Dealing with physical grief after the death of a loved one.

[Simonb]

Hello everyone I'm new hear, I lost both my mum and nan last year within the space of 3 weeks,ever since then I've been having pains in my chest and arms,I have been to hospital a couple of times and I'm due to go next week for an ct scan just to make sure they are not missing anything. I have also been waiting 12 weeks for Cruse counselling to bet in contact with me. Does anybody think I or  know that when I start counselling my pains might start to ease ? Thanks

[Sandra61]

Hello Simon,

I am sorry to hear of your recent losses. Sending you an understanding hug.  I am sorry too to hear of the pains you have been experiencing in your chest and arms since, but am glad you did the sensible thing and went to your doctor about them.

I don't know if counselling will help you. I hope it does, but at least if all the hospital tests have been done, you will know if there is anything physically wrong with you and if nothing is found, will know whether it is more likely related to your grief.

There is such a thing as heartache, a physical pain we experience in our chest when we are very sad and hurt by loss, so that is possible and I have heard that the degree of that pain can be severe and can affect your health, so you are right to have these tests done and to have alerted your doctor.

I hope counselling might help you a little when you do get it. I know it can be a great help, although it is not for everyone. I lost my own mum in October 2017, which is what brought me here too, but I found little things helped like putting together an album of photos of her, keeping a journal of my feelings and thoughts each day (which helped ease some of the physical symptoms by getting them out of my system by writing them down), walking in the park and enjoying being somewhere calm, pretty and peaceful and quietish, where I could sit and think and try to process all that had happened, taking up a new interest to take me out of the house and out of myself and distract me from dwelling on all that had happened and making me engage with life again for a couple of hours a week. It also helped to revisit places I had gone with mum and helped me to remember the good times we had together. You might find some of these things might help you too. I think we all have to look for things that help us, so I hope you find some strategies that work for you.

Good luck with the hospital tests, Simon. It is good to find out the facts so that you can look at what could be the causes of your pains and then you can look at ways to improve that. 

[Simonb]

Hello Sandra61,

Thankyou for your reply it means alot of sense of what you said.

I have good days and bad days with these pains I get, but I dont seem to understand what triggers the pains off and why some days are better than others this week alone I have had 4 bad days including today which has been one of the worst for a while.

Maybe it's me stressing out about the hospital appointment this week also waiting to hear from Cruse as I was told it would be between 8 to 10 weeks but expect to wait 12 weeks before I hear anything.

Hopefully come this time next week my mind will be at ease after my appointment and contact with Cruse.

Take care of yourself.

[Sandra61]

Hello Simon,

Yes, the trigger could be stress. It could also be subconcious. I think, after I lost my mum, even now still, I am often thinking and talking about something else with someone, but am also still thinking about mum and losing her at the back of my mind. It's ever present in your thoughts, especially in the early days, so whilst you are doing one thing on the surface, you are thinking about something else inside.

Also, if all this happened only last year, it is still early days yet for you to try to come to terms with it all. It all takes a very long time and you never really get used to it. I still think of my dad and miss him every day and he died in 1985.

It could be something as simple as posture or that you need a new bed! I suffer from a bad back from time to time and found out when I was being treated for that, that my bed was too soft and did not support my back properly and that was partly causing it. Consequently, I was getting pain in my lower back and hips and my neck and shoulders, as I also needed to use fewer pillows to keep the spine straight. I was also told I needed to sit with my back straight at work and that can affect the comfort of the front of your body as well as the back, so it might be worth looking at these things too.

I know there is a waiting list for counselling, so I do hope you hear from them soon. In the meantime, try keeping a journal and of course, keep talking to us and to any friends willing to spend time listening. It does help to talk and to write things down.

Wishing you all the best, Simon.

[Karena]

There is a relationship between grief or any mental stress and physical symptoms - but getting those physical symptoms checked out is important so you need to go ahead with that regardless.

As Sandra says it could be posture  if you are feeling stressed then you tend to have your muscles tensed all the time somethimes wihout even recognising what you are doing.It is also quite common for people to have a lot of anxiety after bereavement  -that can manifest in panic attacks so maybe what you are experiencing is some form of panic attack - so potentially treating it the same way - controlling your breathing etc might help,
Has your behaviour changed in other ways - drinking more or not eating properly - we do also tend to neglect ourselves.

Bereavement counselling varys from person to person, i did have it through my GP and it helped me but i think it depends on your relationship with the individual counsellor and also on your expectations - it isnt a cure for grief - but it helps you to see things differently and to find ways of coping with it and certainly worth giving it a try - but also i found writing here helped,as when we write in a place others can read we write coherently and in making some kind of sense of our words for others to be able to read, i think it helps clarify those emotions especially when they are often very confused and we feel we are trying to plait fog. 

[Simonb]

Hello Karena,

Thank you for the positive feedback.

Yes I do think posture has a lot to do with things, the way I sit on my sofa I always seem to be leaning on my left hand side which automatically sets off the pain.

As with eating, I have mood swings, sometimes I want to eat other times I do not care for food don't know why it just seems to come in waves.


Counselling im hoping they will help me to understand what has happened and also find out if there is anything else on my mind bugging me.


Never had any pains before mum died so i hoping it is nothing serious.


Thanks again for replying take care.

[Karena]

Once you have had the scan between that and counselling, try to be more conscious of the way you are sitting -get up and move around more - i have permanantly damaged my shoulder due to a mix of having always tensed my neck and shoulders in times of stress,(and there have been many of those as my grief has left me with anxiety problems which means my reactions are gretaer than the situation warrants ) -  but also bad posture at work in erlier times lifting heavy weights and now through sitting in a bad position without moving much for 8 hours a day - the dichotomy being that it is also now the least painful position to sit in -so i do try to move around more now, although sometimes i get really involved and forget,  but i at least  make sure i leave the premises and walk at lunch time which helps a bit even though it might be painful at the time -
With unexplained chest pain though i totally understand why you would be nervous of doing that right now, so once you have the medical all clear you will be less stressed about that at least and be able to help yourself a bit more, through the counselling to help you cope with the grief that is underlying it all but also through thinking about posture etc and becoming conscious of your physical response to stress so you can undo it.