Author Topic: I’m new😊  (Read 1956 times)

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Offline Raye

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I’m new😊
« on: July 21, 2019, 04:56:13 PM »
 :candle:

I recently lost my dad on may 30th. It was several weeks after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  I’m struggling to cope with never having him call me on my birthday which is only a few days away!😔 he always called and sang happy birthday down the phone.  I feel as I’ve let him down that I didn’t do everything in the world to try and save him.  He was my knight in shining armour and now in times of need he isn’t there.  One day I feel like it hasn’t happened then the next day I am so broken.  My partner has been terrible throughout this time before and after my dad passed.  I don’t think anyone really understands Lodi g a parent until the day dawns. 😔 miss my daddy so much  😢

Offline Raye

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Re: I’m new😊
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2019, 05:14:34 PM »
You see he was never a poorly person and when it came to it he was so ill he wanted to stay at home I live over an hours drive away and when he came home we nursed him I was there up until his last breath. Since then I’ve only been to see my mom in the family home a couple of times as each time I go there I break down as he was always there and now it’s all changed it’s not the same I’m still not back at work I’m broken.  I’m scared I’m going to die of a broken heart and I keep thinking of the last wks of his life I took pics of him and videos before he was bed bound and I keep watching and replaying . 😔 just cannot believe within the space of 6 wks he was gone. I worry about how he was feeling and that he was alone. 😔

Offline Karena

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Re: I’m new😊
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2019, 11:00:31 AM »
 :hug: It is still very early days for you and those last weeks would have been a constant roller coaster of emotions and fear and that naturally continues now, and even when we know it is the end of some-ones life i dont think we ever quite accept that until the end, we focus on doing everything for them but still cling to hope that the doctors were wrong or there will be a last minute miracle cure, because thats what keeps us going and being strong for them, so it is still a shock Also feelling guilty that we didnt do/say/act the best way we could is something which i think every one of us has felt when we lose some-one -when in reality all any of us ever did was to do our best given what we knew at the time.He would have known you were there and so not felt alone.
You wont die of a brocken heart,but it will take a long time to heal and will always have that gap where your dad was, although he will still be in it of course,because he was such an important figure in your life and you will always look too him in your heart when you are making future decisions sometimes with sadness that he isnt here to share something with you and sometimes with a smile as you remember what he would have said or done if he had been here.One of the keys is to fill that gap with as many of those latter memorys as you possibly can but it takes a long time for them to take precedent over the sad ones.

of course your familly home doesnt feel the same and it wont for your mum either, but perhaps for her it is her sancturary and she will take comfort from what is around her, but sharing your grief with her will help her as well so if you go and you break down then thats normal and its ok to do that,we cant loose our grief by trying to ignore it, or perhaps you could meet your mum away from the house if you really cant bear to be there but sharing your grief will help you both in the end.

meanwhile keep writing here because just the act of writing can help and expressing your feelings here knowing that everyone here does understand as it is grief which brought all of us here, and sometimes it is easier to talk to starngers or just write things down than to do it face to face with those closer too you. 

Offline Sandra61

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Re: I’m new😊
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2019, 11:41:56 AM »
Hi Raye,

So sorry to hear about your dad. You are right, losing a parent is one of the hardest things you can experience. All the thoughts and feelings you describe are ones we all go through, I think. I know I recognise all of them. I think this is probably a very normal response to loss. Karena is right, it is still very early days for you at the moment, so I am not surprised by the degree of pain you express. It may sound like a cliche, but all you can do at this time is try to be kind to yourself and patient too. You did your best, clearly and blaming yourself in some way is a normal reaction. The truth is though that you did all you could believing it to be the best and it was. You couldn't have changed the outcome and we all lose our parents in one way or another at some time. Much as we would like them to always be there, that just isn't possible.

I know you say it is hard to go back to the family home, but please try not to leave your poor mum alone too much either. She will be experiencing as much shock and pain as you are and possibly more, as he was her husband. You need one another and can help one another. You will be able to help support eachother through this, so use that. It will help.

I found after I lost my mum in 2017 that it helped to make an album of favourite photos of her and some people start a memory book, writing down accounts of times they spent with the person they have lost. I didn't do that, but I did keep a journal of how I was feeling and what I was thinking every day and found that just writing it down helped get it out of my system and helped me feel better, so you might try that.

Time does gradually bring acceptance and the memory of those final days do recede gradually as you recall the good times more clearly as time passes.

You are not alone, Raye. Sending you a hug..xx :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: I’m new😊
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2019, 06:00:33 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:   I lost my dad suddenly many years ago now, and I remember at times the loss felt like a physical pain.
Try not to project too far into the future, try and tackle each days challenge as they come.  Its a very tiring journey, so it'll take enough energy for day to day.
You will not be able to believe this right now, but it will get easier to cope. There'll be gradual changes when some better moments happen between the bad.
Try and remember some of the better times, remember all the things he has taught you and be proud that there'll be things you do or say which you will recognise as his influence. Our loved ones live on in us and us talking about our memories of them xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sav

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Re: I’m new😊
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2019, 09:27:45 PM »
I feel your emptiness and dreadful pain, I am new on here today, 8 months ago I lost my partner also to the evil pancreatic cancer , he was my partner , best friend and soulmate I too am so terribly lost but I am hoping that joining a group of people that understand the inner pain will give me a little strength , missing those daily, calls and everyday conversations is soo difficult , I too hope being on here with others helps you through your pain x