BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Dibsy on April 22, 2019, 04:05:16 PM
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I heard over the weekend that my long term partner has probably only about two weeks left. The Doctors have been quite truthful; they detailed the many health problems facing my partner which I was glad they told me about as I really needed to know. His illness has come on very quickly and he is in a lot of pain which they are trying to control. Seeing my partner in hospital today, because of his illness, he no longer recognises me. It is really awful seeing him in such a state, I spend hours talking to him and his personality has changed so much, I know he doesn't mean it when he says 'get off' if I hold his hand, I think this is because of the pain. I have had a very difficult life and then we found each other, he is such a lovely man and we had many plans for the future, we both felt we had found someone special. I know at this time I shouldn't be thinking about myself but I keep thinking that having found someone so lovely, they are now being snatched away from me. I was OK while speaking with the Doctor but then he asked me 'who is looking after you'? That destroyed me because I have no one and it brought home to me he won't be around. The closeness, loving, caring for someone and friendship will all be gone, snatched away. I looked after my Father and then my Mother before they died a few years ago but I don't know how to deal with this. I can't understand how it seems so much worse now.
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Its an understandable fear - losing your partner is so personal. And its only natural to also think about yourself aswell in this circumstance. Sending you a big hug, you are not alone here :hearts: xx
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It isnt selfish that you are thinking like that,it is very natural to worry how you will cope especially on your own.
Grief for different people does differ, it doesnt mean we loved one more than the other - i have been widowed twice and the second time was different to the first, perhaps its becomes an accumulation.I think not only the pain but sometimes the pain killers are behind the way they respond.The first time,he said some really dreadful things on occasions, but it was a combination of pain killers and fear, eventually you overcome those memorys, you dont forget them but you bring forward in your mind the person they were before the illness and focus on those instead, knowing that they were not themselves at the time, also sometimes i think they are fearful for us,and try to distance themselves from us as a result.
All you can do is take one day,one hour at a time, and i know it sounds like a cliche but it really is the case. We will be here for you and although we are stangers on an onternet forum Emz is right,you are not alone. :hug:
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Thank you both for your replies. I think initially hearing all this bad news it was so unexpected it sent me spiralling into the unknown, not knowing what to think but I now realise the most important thing for me to do is to be with my partner as much as possible and to help him all that I can. I am focused on that now and everything else can wait. Thank you for your support and comments, I am glad I found this site.
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:hug: you are right, just remember if he shoves you away, it isnt because he doesnt love you. We will be here as long as you need.
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Thank you, I am thinking straight now after the initial shock, I do appreciate your comments.
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Hi and can I say how sad it is to hear your story as I too went through similar when my husband was ill before he passed. He had liver cancer and as the liver isn't filtering the blood properly then those toxins reach the brain and change their character. Bless you my dear and please take care of yourself its really important that you do big hugs xxxx
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Thank you so much for your kind words, we are spending as much time as possible together and he is much more aware now with the medical care he has been receiving. We are taking it day by day. Your comments are very much appreciated. You are all being so kind.
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I was with my husband all the time until he died and I told him over and over how much I loved him. I think it helped both of us and I am pleased that he passed feeling loved. My heart goes out to you - I am so sorry. I send you strength and courage and love.
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Thank you all for your kind comments. It is reassuring and comforting to know that there are people on this site who understand.
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Well he was determined and held on for five weeks and passed away last Saturday. He was very lucid in the last four weeks under medication but really he had had enough. He was in such pain and often I had to insist on pain relief for him, at least I know now he is not hurting. He was so desperate in the end he asked if I could do something for him to end his pain but I had to say no I couldn't. He was so thin and weak it was awful to see him suffering so much. On my last visit he was worried I would leave him and I said over and over I would never leave him as I loved him so very much. I'm so glad I emphasised this to him. I just can't believe he isn't here any more and the feeling is one of complete emptiness he was such a lovely man. I'm finding it very hard to deal with all this and now have two of his distant relatives who haven't visited for years who think they are entitled to this and that. I don't know how people deal with this loss. When my Mother died a few years ago I didn't get into this state although to this day I still love and miss her very much.
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Sending you a huge hug :hug:
The only way we get through this rollercoaster journey is to try and take things a day at a time. Dont overwhelm yourself thinking too far ahead - be gentle with yourself and do what you can to keep eating well
We're here xx
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I'm finding it very hard to deal with all this and now have two of his distant relatives who haven't visited for years who think they are entitled to this and that. I don't know how people deal with this loss.
have you spoken to a solicitor? You need to be very aware of the law, so you do not get too overwhelmed (understatement of the year, I know) at this time. It might all be very clear and they may just end up being a nuisance, but the more knowledge you have the easier it will be to deal with this extra problem. Sadly this is often part and parcel of the aftermath of the death of a loved one.
we deal because we have no other choice, do we? Our time has not come yet. For now it may be best to focus on the fact that you had some time together when you could tell him how much he meant to you and also that you know for sure he was ready to go, given the circumstances. It is not much, perhaps, but it is something positive.
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Thank you for your replies. I went to see the solicitors today and clarified the legal position, it has been clarified for me now and it seems it is nuisance problems and they advise they will deal with it for me as they are the executors. I sorted out all the legal necessities and now will just spend time thinking about my lovely man, it is a comfort in some way that he is now out of pain as he was so very poorly. I keep thinking - I must tell him this or I must remember to tell him that - forgetting for a moment, I suppose that never goes? I cannot think of the next step at the moment but next week will start to make final arrangements. I do appreciate you being there.
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HI again, i am glad that at least he had that time of clarity and knowing that he was so loved, and you knowing the same.
Even though what you have to deal with now and the daunting journey in front of you is horrendous you will always know that love was there.
I was also asked to "help" and had to say no, i couldnt be in prison with two kids left behind, but i also dont regret that it is illegal, because i dont think i could have done that anyway, and i suspect it was the morphine talking as he had become fairly addicted too it,maybe as more than just as a pain killer. We cling on to the idea of hope for a miracle - or maybe thats just me, but he had one last good day after that, which is the last day his parents spent with with him before he became unconscious that night, so they have that day in their hearts and not the worst ones.
It seems there is always some-one who appears and who wants something - not to help or offer you comfort, but to take something away, i dont understand why people are like that but so many are i am glad you have got the legal position sorted. :hug:
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I am finding it really difficult to manage day to day after all that has happened. All the arrangements have now been completed and we had such a lovely service with many friends and family attending. The one big problem I have is that various family members of my partner are causing so many problems, people we have not seen for years and years stating what they want etc. All I want is some peace and quiet to settle down and try to get some sanity back after all that has happened. How do you deal with this? I've never known anything like it and it is pulling me down. My partner never had any time for his family which I always used to think was very sad but now I can understand why. The stress of this is really getting to me now and I dread the 'phone ringing. I just keep referring them to the Solicitors but this doesn't seem to deter them.
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:hug: at times like this you certainly get the full meaning of what "crawled out of the woodwork" means.
With some people.Its easy to see how with busy and full lives we loose touch with people and that time passes quicker than we know until suddenly it has been years and for some the reality of that doesnt hit until its too late to make that contact -
for others - well there are just some people out there who are really mean spirited ghouls i,m afraid.
All you can do is keep reffering them back - tell them you are not in a position to deal with anything - nothing can be taken from the estate until probabte has been granted.
I moved house so my home phone number changed and actually i only have one at all now because i had to pay landline rental to get the internet and sometimes companys demand one i never answer it because the people i do want to speak too know to ring my mobile,if they are not in my contacts list i dont answer that either, (its usually sales/begging calls if not they will ring back. If they are in my contacts list, then i can decide whether i want to answer it or not,it goes to answer machine and if they dont leave a message (and most people dont) then i dont get back too them either.So maybe that is one route you could consider expecially for the persistant ones you dont want to speak too, they will then have to phone your solicitor and he/she can decide whether it is something you should be contacted over (put your solicitors number on your contacts list too) i dont know whether home phones do that now if you dont want to go down that route maybe there is a home phone handset that will do the same.?
Maybe i sound a bit harsh and i am not mean spirited normally but of course you need some peace and some time to start to heal yourself,and you need to give yourself priority over them when it seems their priority isnt concern for you but something so much more negative. :hug:
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Thank you for your reply. I had a really awful weekend but today have received some really nice cards thanking me for the service and saying how much they knew I meant to my partner. Just these cards seemed to put it into some sort of perspective so now I am putting negative issues to the back ground and trying to ignore them and dwelling on the positive ones where people have been so good to me at this difficult time. I have had caller display put on, I have also now made a list of the numbers I am accepting, and also have found call barring. I have such awful anxiety at the moment with moods going up and down, a lot caused by unwanted phone calls and I really don't like doing this with the phone but I just can't cope any other way.
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:hug: you shouldnt be having to put up with that kind of behaviour but i am glad that others have made up for it. :hug:
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Good Evening Laird,
I was very pleased to read your advice, it's difficult without a sounding board and far from being useless, you have given me such good advice which I very much appreciate especially not agreeing to anything or handing anything over as I did waver a bit. It is a struggle to go on but communicating with people like you in this forum you realise you are not alone, it helps so much you all understand what it is like. Eighteen months is a long time you having to put up with this. The online comments have also started but I'm not reading them any more, only upsets me. After the service, asking about a Will, not even asking what led up to his death or seen him for ten plus years. I'm trying to keep busy as sleep is a problem and have even been wall papering at midnight to stop thinking. I too keep thinking if I could have done more, but I think if you were to go back into the circumstances at the time, you probably would have made the same decisions. The shock is so horrendous and you are out of your normal environment and hind sight is a wonderful thing. At least because I have sorted the phone out that has made a difference for me. I do hope you find some peace of mind soon and thank you again for your reply. (I do like the picture of the dog.)
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What awful things you have had done to you, unless people are in your position they will never know or understand what you are going through. It's wicked and thoughtless to be sending you those things and very nasty. My chief unpleasant person is now badgering the solicitors so I don't think they will get very far there. He's the one who wanted to know immediately where the will was, didn't ask anything about my partner or what happened. I haven't been out for some time apart from a little shop, but tried today to make an effort to meet with friends for coffee and they were really nice to me but it didn't feel right really sitting there and I was so glad to get home and hide again. I seem to feel safer at home. I couldn't talk about my partner to them as I knew I would get upset and didn't want to spoil it for them. I just kept thinking my partner would normally be at home waiting for me. I'm a bit in the countryside and sit in the garden at night when it's very quiet and can hear the owls in some protected trees over the back and also have a friendly hedge hog who comes in for a walk on his rounds. A magpie keeps going up to him and trying to peck but doesn't get very far. It's so lovely to see nature like that. Thank you for your suggestion re the list, I don't really want to take his name off anything but suppose I must, he was such a lovely man and we thought we would have some more years together so I miss him dreadfully. I had to smile today as I found his hidden sweetie tin, I thought I had broken him of that habit.
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Sending a hug :hug: dont put yourself down, you always give good advice too - sometimes its the sharing of our experiences which helps others. And here we dont have to always be cheerful, its a safe place to reach out, to remember you are part of something and not alone. Well done for continuing to step out of your comfort zone and interacting with other locals. All big steps when challenging anxiety, and should remember/reflect on all those achievements, no matter how small it may seem.(maybe keep a notepad, then over time you will realise how far you've come) Unfortunately some people who have never experienced anxiety cant understand. Maybe one day they will have a panic attack and realise a little more and be shocked!
:hug: sending a hug Dibsy, its amazing how many people crawl out of the woodwork and change after a loss. I thought I had a close family but now feel very distant from my uncles/aunties. Its important to notice the ones who are there for you - they're the ones that mean something. Be gentle with yourself, you really need TLC right now so treat yourself as you would a dear friend xx
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All those experiences/resources are still with you, they are just a little hidden at the moment, they will come back :-) :hug: xx
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The difference between the escapology incident and driving a motorbike through a pub is that one was intentional and part of the excesses of youth, the other was not intentional and part of the less excesses and more vagueness of - shall we say less youthful times - but the thing to take from it is that both probably made some-one elses day so much brighter and both in their own way are legendary :whistle: You are right Ruth would be suprised and also proud of how you are dealing with things (as well as howling with laughter )
As for the MP,s comment it seems to me they increasingly come from a different planet to most of us, but for centurys they have suceeded in attaining power only by dividing people, and taking attention from their own actions by demonising others. There have been many "others" in my lifetime,and i have been an "other" several times, but i would rather be me, than live with being some-one who behaves like that.
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My goodness you have got up to some pranks! You mentioned 6'5" and your motor bikes, my partner was 6'6" but the motor bikes went long ago by my prompting. I have found lately that I am mostly 'stable' at home without any hassle of going out to meet people, so that's what I will do for a while. I can't talk to anyone about my partner it is just too hard and am going up and down like a yo yo. I get very panicky in the mornings but by going out in the garden it helps to relieve it, I like being outside but within my castle. I have cut out those people causing problems and I remember that once I said to my Mother so and so had upset me over something and she said quite forcefully, well don't let them. She was a down to earth Edinburgh lady and she is quite right, why should I let other people upset me. She still amuses me even though I miss her very much and she died seven years ago. True to her Scottish roots, after she died, my sister and I were clearing out her bedroom and kept coming upon various boxes with money in them. She had been hoarding them, in fact some of the notes had to be changed at the Bank as they were so old. She was very shrewd and careful, no lights left on unnecessarily, heating only went on when it was practically freezing and she even took out the bulb of an outside light I had fitted for her. I am taking his name off docs now and did copy any documents I took into the Sols - thanks for that suggestion - just in case. I have done practical things like sorting out his clothes but can't seem to want to find new homes for them just yet, I'm reluctant to let them go.
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Oh my!! I would be terrified trapped in the cubicle! Im battling some claustrophobia issues at the moment, ever since the redundancy. (I think its connected to the feeling of being out of my control). Its 50:50 whether I can achieve going in a lift for example. Went to the loo at my sisters the other day, which is a small downstairs loo and it momentarily crossed my mind what would happen if the lock broke and I had to fight a panic! Well done for managing to get out!!
You could look to saving some clothing to have made into items Dibsy? I know I've seen memory bears and cushions from shirts or tshirts. Or could save your favourites in a vacuum pack bag so you have plenty of time before you decide :hearts: do whatever feels right for you xx
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:hug: you dont have to let anything go until you want too if ever.
Some one told my gran they had read that if some-one broke in they would never think to look in the fridge for money -(it doesnt occur to these people that the theives might read too) after she died we found a bag of five pound notes in the freezer compartment and several lose ones stuffed down the back.
She was not Scottish, but of scottish descent, born in Yorkshire, equally knonw for its budgetry prowess -
Cakes always had half the eggs the recipe said "these recipes always add uneccasary eggs" ( you can imagine she was no granny wild) - but the ultimate was in a hot summer when i found half a glass of water in her fridge - there was a hosepipe ban but my gran was going to go one better and save us all from drought by having half a glass in the morning and the other half in the afternoon. (it wasnt even a big glass) -
Having siad all that her habits have stood me in good stead over the years when things have been tight - baked bean shepherds pie (yum) -potatoe and onion stew, onion pastys, comfrey ointment for every ill, rasberry vinegar for colds,onion and brown sugar for coughs - nettle soup - sheets cut then turned so the worn middle bit goes to the sides and is then re-attached.
Too small jumpers unravelled and the wool re-used, jumble sale clothes at the end of the sale that go for nothing,retireved for the wool or in some cases just the buttons, darned socks.
Worst was embarassing huge knickers cut up for dusters ( this was her, not me, i used old t shirts :rofl:) but hers were cut in such a way you could see they had been knickers - (there was one of those dusters in sight the first time i ever brought a boyfriend home - embrassing beyond belief) :rofl:
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It isnt selfish that you are thinking like that,it is very natural to worry how you will cope especially on your own.
Grief for different people does differ, it doesnt mean we loved one more than the other - i have been widowed twice and the second time was different to the first, perhaps its becomes an accumulation.I think not only the pain but sometimes the pain killers are behind the way they respond.The first time,he said some really dreadful things on occasions, but it was a combination of pain killers and fear, eventually you overcome those memorys, you dont forget them but you bring forward in your mind the person they were before the illness and focus on those instead, knowing that they were not themselves at the time, also sometimes i think they are fearful for us,and try to distance themselves from us as a result.
All you can do is take one day,one hour at a time, and i know it sounds like a cliche but it really is the case. We will be here for you and although we are stangers on an onternet forum Emz is right,you are not alone. :hug:
That's has just made so much sense to me, thank you
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Don't know if this will help, Dibsy, but after my mum died in 2017, I did find myself in a bit of a panic about six months later. Much of it had to do with the probate process, I think and wondering if I might have to sell the house and how I would manage to sort through all my mum's and dad's things in a rush, if I had to. Thirty- four years on from my dad's death, I still have things of his that we were never able to let go of. Anyway, I made a plan. I made a list of short-term things that needed to be done quickly and long-term plan to work out how I might deal with different scenarios, depending on how the probate matter eventually worked out. This did at least help me feel less like everything was out of my control and helped me calm down a bit. As it turned out, although eighteen months on from losing my mum, the probate people have still not sent me confirmation that this side of things is now completely settled, I do feel reasonably sure that I probably will be able to keep the house, so I now know which long-term plan to move forward with. I also still have a list of options I made in case something still works out a different way to how I anticipate things will now probably go. I think it has helped me worry and panic less and feel I know I have options worked out for different kinds of turns of events and that is reassuring, especially at a time when you are going through so much emotional and practical turmoil and change and trying to adjust to all that and cope with your loss as well.
In terms of getting rid of things, I have now started letting some of my parent's things go. I decided that the last of my dad's shoes that we had kept for so long were probably of more use to someone who could wear them and I have sold off some of my mum's dresses on ebay. I chose this route as the ones I have let go, she either never wore, wore very seldom of wasn't particularly fond of, so I didn't feel she would have disapproved in any way and I know she always preferred to get some money back for things we got rid of when she was alive, so felt she would approve of my doing that too. In fact, I am sure she would have enjoyed the process of selling things on ebay, so I don't feel bad about that at all. Stuff that either doesn't sell or that i don't think it worth trying to sell, I either give to friends or to charity. Slowly, I am at least getting through some of the stuff that doesn't have any emotional significance for me. I am as yet, unable to part with anything she did use regularly. I tend to open the drawer or wardrobe intending to sort out the contents, but then closing it again, because I can still see her in so many of those outfits and getting rid of them still doesn't feel like something I can do yet. I am immensely glad that I have not had to sell the house as having to rush through doing this would have been much too painful and now, at least I can do it, as and when I feel I can. So don['t feel you have to rush through any of this. I know they are just things, but they hold so many memories and images and feeling for us that they become much more than that. You can't just dispose of them in a hurry and that is ok.
Karena, what a wise old granny you had! I think she and my mum and gran must have been cut from the same cloth! Part of their legacy to me has been that I also always use half the number of eggs when baking a cake and yes, also have bags of cut up old vests, pants and night-shirts that I still use for dusters and cloths! Old sheets make great dust-covers when you are decorating and I still have most of my dad's old tools and use them whenever I need to, so those never went! Oh dear - doesn't everyone do that?!
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Those posts remind me fondly of a book I have from the 1940's hamper I won - all about how women adjusted recipes and coped through rations during the war. So interesting and actually inspiring - a refreshing change of attitude from the current prevailing attitude. Although I don't want rations, I do think there's plenty we can cut back on to reduce wastefulness nowadays xx
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All though it is heart breaking that your loved one has passed and you miss them so very much, they are no longer suffering. I felt comfort from this after my husband passed, we were told he had plenty of time to make arrangements etc but he only lasted 1 week after diagnosis and that was 1 week of terrible pain. You know that you have a long road ahead but done ever feel alone we are hear for you, we have all suffered the same - loss - and already you have started to organise what needs to be done, well done for that too. Do not be to hard on yourself and taking one day at a time is good advice. im just over a year on this road and still just try to focus on the day ahead. love and hugs xxxx
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Thank you but I can't seem to do anything more at the moment, nothing seems to have any meaning. There doesn't seem to be a purpose. I am so very glad though that he is at last out of pain. I am keeping a lot of his things as I can't let them go. Not valuables but they were his. I found he had kept all the cards I had sent him over the years, I didn't know that. I always kept mine from him so now they are together. I have this over whelming tiredness, I suppose it is everything catching up with me. Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them.
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Hi Dibsy,
I recognise that feeling of tiredness and nothing having any purpose or meaning anymore. I felt that very strongly during that first year. Slowly you do have to make yourself attend to daily chores and even that felt like an effort and lack of interest in anything pervaded strongly. Perhaps it will be different for you, but I felt I had to consciously combat that as it was making me get more and more depressed. I decided to join a class in order to have to leave the house at least once a week and engage with other people and with life again and I do feel that that has helped me more than anything in getting through this process. I was mixing with people outside of work and we had something to talk about as we focussed on the subject of the classes. It became something I looked forward to each week. It gave me a sort of break from grieving, which is very exhausting and brings you down terribly. I would go so far as to say it saved me from sliding into depression. I supplemented this with taking walks in the park and still do. I find the park a calming and cheering place in which to sit and process all that has happened and come to terms with it. I would strongly recommend both of these things. They have really helped me. Perhaps it might be worth a try.
I hope you are finding your way through this horrible time. Do keep talking to us whenever you wish. It can be about anything and for as long as you like. Sending you an understanding hug. :hug:
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:hug:It is an exhausting journey and that exhaustion is something that isnt really mentioned in the grief theorys but makes sense when you think about it because of the emotional roller coaster we have found ourselves on. I have a valentines card my husband made next to my bed even now - just a silly thing but it makes me smile still, its fine to keep stuff as long as you want and it often is the little things like that which mean the most - i also have a verse of a poem he wrote on the wall in my office at work printed over a picture of our favourite spot for holidays, i found the poem in a box in the garage and had never seen it before but it obviousely applied to our relationship in the earlier verses but the last one i still read over too myself on a bad day which is why it sits on the wall.
the last verse says
" fly to the future round hurdles and bends and ride out the storms that nature sends despite ruffled fathers and tired wings never forget that every bird sings"
I also get that life seems pointless at the moment, i felt that too - life was pointless i was pointless, but we are still here and i think there is a reason for that.
perhaps you wont even know it, but that moment you are in the right time and place to stop something awful happening to some-one else or the day you smile and say hello to some-one who is having a really bad day will make a difference to them perhaps to the extent that something so seemingly small will be the point of you being here still.Then gradually you will start to see a point for yourself as well.
I think that period of exhaustion our brains way of telling us to rest, and to begin to heal and take stock, and really only in the human world do we ignore that - grief studies in other mammals has shown that - the expression "retreat to the lair" isnt just because of physical injury but because of grief too, the difference is with a herd or a pod in normal circumstances which dont threaten the rest of them, they offer quiet support, drop food neaby and check up on their grieving member certainly, but they dont go barging in there, telling them they have to get out more or get back to work until they are ready to do so, they are more gentle and more coaxing and more patient.
If you think of this time as being in a forest and sitting under a tree, you sleep when you can and eat some berrys to survive then start to look around and at first there doesnt seem to be any way out, and you dont know which direction to look , but then you start to see what looks like a path, you may take a few steps down it then realise it isnt a path at all and come back to rest under the tree again,but then you will see another and perhaps this time it will go round in a circle because it is the wrong path, but eventually you will find one which seems more promising.It isnt straight or smooth but has hurdles all the way along it, but each hurdle you get over gives you strength to face the next even if you need to rest under another tree between them.
I found a few non paths and i found a few circular ones,and when i did find a better path it took a while to recognise it, and i realised that part of the problem had been i was trying to leave my husband behind under the original tree when i should have been taking him with me, not in the physical sense but in looking to his nature, his decisions, the things he enjoyed and loved to do and the things he felt passionate about, and using them as my guide.
But going back too that original tree,the thing that made me raise my head from the dirt to even start to see any kind of path was the things i found in the tree,the patterns in the bark, the birds, the sounds of wind the feel of rain or sunshine and the way nature replenishes itself every year - a fallen leaf isnt dead it remains part of the circle that is life, and thats why i use the tree to try and explain my journey because being outside and being in nature as much as possible is,i believe the best aid to start healing our hearts that we can ever find, so where ever you lair is try to keep that connection too the natural world as Sandra says go for a walk to the park or if you are lucky as i was to have one, spend time in the garden.
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I've been trying really hard to come to terms with all that has happened but am not managing very well. I went out today 'socialising' for the first time since he died and I had a bit of a breakdown, it was very embarrassing, I'm so glad to get home and be on my own, I can't risk going out and have that happen again. All the time I was thinking he should have been there with me. I miss him so much. I don't want to be a damper on anyone but I do wonder if I really am unstable as I keep getting so upset all the time. I came across some more clothes of his and this time have kept them. I just can't seem to see an end to this, he's just in my thoughts all the time.
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:hug:You are not unstable in any way other than in grief. I questioned my sanity several times as well, i think all of us will have.
Dont be put off going out - its also fine to have emotional outbursts we are emotional beings and those emotions are all valid we cant keep denying it and we shouldnt have too, and people who count for anything will understand, even if they cant understand grief itself they wont be put off you if you cry sometimes, I had panic attacks, embrassing yes but people just wanted to help and didnt judge. and it wont happen all the time,but some things will get to you more than others, and when they do thats normal too.
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Thank you for your reply but I just can't risk going out now. I understand your comments but I can cope at home much better than outside so will do that for now.
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Break it down into steps Dibsy. Try and invite friends or family over now and again so you dont become isolated. When you're ready you can work out how to venture back out again :hug: be gentle with yourself
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I agree with Emz - just going to the shop is an achievement long before full on socialising, but also if you can get one friend to come to you for a coffee or lunch, then to go with you somewhere outside the house later even just for a walk, then its a starting point.
The other thing i used to do was make sure i had an exit - starting from work - behind the shed was my go to cry place, - in somewhere public i always knew where the loos were or where ther was a quiet corner i could retreat too - my elderly dog became the reason to not "stay for long", driving for "not having a drink" - (an absolute meltdown trigger for me)
I also think we need to pick our battles - there was a conversation here years ago about not eating out in a restaurant alone - some-one did and i was full of admiration for her, but also the prospect of me doing it filled me with horror -To this day, i can fly across the world alone but cant contemplate doing that - because i realised i dont have too - it isnt a goal for me, i,m not a foody person and there is no-where these days you cant grab a sandwhich to take away, so i wasnt going to make it something i needed to fight to do, when there were other things i had to fight for and there are other things i will take on because its all about the destination. Deciding what i want or need to do, and how to get there by going around or developing strageys to climb over the obstacles on the way, rather than trying to achieve something that is some-one elses goal.
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Don't worry about not being able to go out much, Dibsy. It is still only a short time into this journey for you and it will take as long as it takes to begin to feel stronger or more confident.
I had a complete melt down one week about six months after my mum died and went into a total panic about everything. I couldn't stop crying and didn't know how I was going to go on. Everything seemed so 'up in the air' and more than I could cope with. I decided a plan would help me and sat down and wrote a list of things I needed to do for practical purposes and a list of things I ought to try to find solutions for and worked out alternatives for how I might deal with all those things and it is still standing me in good stead almost two years on after various twists and turns and unexpected eventualities.
I think it is perfectly normal to find yourself wanting to be alone, but as the others have said, don't isolate yourself completely, even if you just ring someone for a chat once in a while for now. You need to keep a connection to life in some way, because you won't feel like this forever. Even if you can't see it at the moment, your life does still have purpose and you will be able to enjoy things again in the future, even if they may be tinged with sadness in some ways.
I think we are all so conscious of the absence of the person we have lost for a while that it blocks out everything else and is all we can focus on, but that does begin to pass as we accept that what has happened has happened and begin to rebuild our lives from the ruins. You will get through this, but it will take much longer than you might have expected and definitely longer than anyone else might expect. Unless you have been through it, you have no idea of the effect loss has on you and will never understand until you have been through it yourself.
One day at a time and tiny steps, Dibsy. Of course try to find anything that helps you along this journey, but don't try to meet challenges you don't yet feel ready to face. There is no time limit on when you should feel better or even if you should. Nor must you try to get back to 'normal'. This is a new normal now that will take time to get used to and to accept and you have to give yourself that time without putting pressure on yourself to find it. One day at a time, Dibsy. xx :hug: