Hello Nikki,
So sorry to hear about your two recent losses. That must be very hard to bear and I am not surprised to hear that you feel alone and are suffering so.
I think one of the things that helped me most to deal with such feelings was to put pen to paper and write down how I felt about what happened when I lost my mum recently. I wrote down all the thoughts and feelings I had about those last weeks of her life and how I felt about the things I did and how I felt at those times and acknowledged any failings on my part and it did help get those feelings out of my system and made me feel better. I went on to keep a diary, writing down how I felt each day and that has helped too. I think you have to find an outlet for the pressure that all these feelings place on you and once you do, it helps to relieve the pressure. Some people find this in couselling. I found it in writing. I also wrote a couple of poems about it at the time and that helped too. I know some people write letters to their lost loved ones and find that helps them.
It also helped to take up a new activity to take me out the house and out of myself and made me think about something else for a couple of hours a week and that did seem to give me a break from grieving. Grieving is exhausting and overwhelming and I think you do have to try to find a way to counterbalance those feelings for a little while.
Nothing will bring back those you have lost, so grief is partly about finding a way to live with what has happened and to be able to live with it. You will need to find strategies to help you do that. As well as the writing, I found it helps to have flowers around as it reminds me there are still good things in the world and they helped to lift my spirits. Walking in the park helps similarly with that.
Grief is one of the hardest most destructive things we ever have to face in my view, so you have to be kind and be patient with yourself, Nikki. It is unlikely others will understand unless they have been through it and often they do expect you to be 'over it' within the space of a few months, but the truth is that you will always be grieving, because you will always miss those you have lost and always love them, so it is more about finding a way to live with that loss and still live. Try to find some things that work for you and talk to us here. We have all lost someone and understand how you feel. We are here for as long as you need us. Sending you strength and an understanding hug.