Author Topic: Sudden stroke  (Read 1351 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline wanderer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Karma: +0/-0
Sudden stroke
« on: February 02, 2021, 10:36:43 PM »
Thanks you for your messages of support.
I am leaving this forum for now.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2021, 09:19:30 AM by wanderer »

Offline Jill

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 167
  • Karma: +4/-0
Re: Sudden stroke
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2021, 08:04:44 PM »
Hello, I just want to say I am very sorry for your loss.  The circumstances must have made it much harder to deal with.  I lost my husband and I know it is extremely painful.  I understand everything you are saying.  Do try to be kind to yourself now and take one day at a time.  We will be here when you need to talk.  Jill

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Sudden stroke
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2021, 12:22:58 PM »
 :hug:
My husband also died from a stroke - in this case it was his second major one - the first left him with loss of sight and use of an arm - i was his carer during that time and he seemed to be getting stonger and coping with it all -  i was wrong -and this time he didn't recover - he also was 69. I think you are right to take some comfort from being there with your husband at the end and i think he would have been aware that you were there.

Like you i also saw the funeral as the last thing i could do for him at that time - and i made it about him as well so it wasnt conventional as neither was he - but it wasn't the last thing as it turned out -

It was so very difficult after that funeral - i  could see no point in my life at all -the  kids had lives of their own -my job was just a job it wasn't world saving anyone could do it -   no one actually needed me -and i had not been in that position ever before -i was always some-ones carer - like you  parents had also died - second time of being widowed - was it me  was i the  jinx  -  i was in a massive spiral heading down and I  was in a really bad way for a long time.
i had  a couple of really good friends others melted away but new people came into my life as well -  i had new grandchildren and friends i hadnt met face to face  - i found this place and i found those friends here - and between them all those people  slowed that spiral and stopped me actually hitting the bottom completely.But it was doing things for him that started me climbing back out.

I decided if i couldn't see a point in my life then i would live it for him and be his eyes on the world - make sure his grand kids knew him as a living person not as just grandad who died - go back to the places he loved and mark them in some way (i planted native daffodills as he loved them - for him they represented  the spring and the light that came with it  -I would  do the things we talked about but didnt get round too and some things he wanted to do that i would have sat out on - and that was how i moved forward by taking him with me and never feeling i had to leave him behind - he was still a part of everything i did and in doing things for him i was also healing myself.

This year it will be 10 years it has been difficult i wont pretend otherwise  -there have been times when i was overcome by loneliness but i had also learned to be alone and do things alone.and Gardening and wildlife taught me about renewal of life and  i was never truly alone outside.Just making the effort to leave my comfort zone  and go plant bulbs was a minefield  - i was never a confident person and now without his wings to hide under my confidence was at way below zero - but doing it for him force me to find a way to do it because if i didnt in my mind i was letting him down - I  miss him still of course i do -  but i do also feel he is with me  pushing me forward holding my hand through difficult times smiling at me through better ones - laughing at my mistakes - not in a malicious way, but in a loving way that says "typical you".

 My job is still the same  but i studied online and through that found a way to use those and new skills outside work to help causes he would have helped - and it isnt at all just doing it for him any more  because it is they are things that joined us in the first place the things we had in common so it is for both of us

We loved to holiday in a place in Wales and watch dolphins from the harbor wall - thats where we were going to retire too - and i didnt go back for a while it felt too painful to go alone - but then i realized it was me who started that, it was my thing originally and in not going i was depriving myself - taking away even more of what i loved - and the first time i went it was painful i came home with an overwhelming sens of disappointment I  dont know what i expected - perhaps that he would actually physically be there - but i went again and every time since i have felt closer to him there than anywhere else - i wont have that retirement dream now i know that -  but i can still have that respite from life and healing time there.- doing it for me as well and closing that gap of thinking in terms o what is for him and what if for me  means that in a non tangible way we have come back to being us.

Keep posting - everyone here is on this same bumpy road of grief and reaching out to each other creates some of those hands that stop us hitting the bottom and provide the supports we need to help ourselves climb back up.