Hello Suzanne,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I am also very sorry to hear about the reactions of your family. Sadly, however, this is not something new to hear. So often people, whether they be family or friends, just don't understand how devastating grief can be and how long it can be before you even begin to find a way to live with it. Often they will not understand until they lose someone very close themselves and therein lies the problem. Others, more detached in their relationship with the person they have lost, can not understand how you, who were closer to them, can still be feeling so lost so much later after losing them, but this is perfectly normal and something that a lot of people go through and many for much longer than this.
You're not being a drama queen and there is no one who is entitled to dictate to you when you should be 'over it' or should no longer be crying. It is your experience of loss, not anyone else's and there is no right or wrong way to feel about that and definitely no time limit on when it should start to get better. It is different for everyone. You are not doing anything wrong. If anyone is, it is your family. They should not be pressuring you to 'get over it'. You can't just switch your feelings off when you have lost someone who meant so much to you, nor should you try. Your husband was a part of your life for a long time and you can't be expected to stop missing him after such a relatively short time - and 14 months is a relatively short time, Suzanne. I lost my mum just under two years ago and had a moment tonight when the tears started to sting my eyes a little as something suddenly reminded me of her and this was the time of year when I lost her. I lost my dad around this time of year 34 years ago and I still miss him and think of him every day, so you are far from alone in feeling as you do and are definitely not doing anything wrong.
On a more positive note, I have found it helps to take up an interest I used to share with my mum and joined a class doing that and that has helped me, so it might be worth trying something of the sort yourself. As we shared that interest, it has felt to me like she would have approved of my doing this and when I go out, I do say out loud, 'you come too, mum, you'd enjoy this'. I suppose what I am trying to show is that you don't leave behind the loved ones you have lost, not ever. They are ever present in your heart and your mind and so never really leave you, nor you them. You find ways to take them forward with you as you try to build a new life without them and that feels right. You are who you are and your life is as it is partly due to the part they have played in it, so how can you be expected to move on from losing them. It is an unrealistic expectation from people who don't understand. Don't bother arguing with them, Suzanne. Just get on with doing whatever helps you to cope and don't try to talk about it with people who won't listen. I found some lovely new friends who do understand at the class I go to and that has helped me more than anything since losing my mum. Perhaps you would be as lucky.
You do have to move forward slowly, but that doesn't mean moving on or forgetting or getting 'over it'. It means finding a way to live with what has happened and moving into a new phase of your life as best you can and that will be a long, slow process that does not need to be complicated by being upset by unfeeling relatives! Any little thing that helps is what you need. For me, it was having flowers around and walking in the park, where I could sit calmly and try to process all that had happened, trying new things to see what might take me out of myself for a few hours and give me something to look forward to and something different to think about; something that would help me cope with my altered circumstances and take my mind off my loss for a couple of hours each week. I also found it helped to write a plan, two in fact, one of short-term priorities and one for longer term ones, so that I felt I had regained some control over my life again.
In terms of remembering my lost loved ones, making an album of favourite photos helped. Some people make a memory box and fill it with objects of sentimental value, others write memory books of recollections of the time they spent with the person they have lost. I keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings each day and chat to my mum and dad's pictures when I need to. I can often hear what the replies would be in my head. You do whatever helps and you exclude anything that doesn't. You have to, to survive. You can find a way forward, Suzanne, but you have to put in a little effort. Grief doesn't get better on it's own. Counselling helps some people, and support groups help others. Making a special spot to go and sit in in the garden to remember their loved one in helps some people too. There is no right or wrong way and no telling how long it will take to recover a little from this awful experience. You just do whatever helps and find your way forward slowly. But don't let others upset you. You are not doing anything wrong. They just don't understand. This is your journey. They are your feelings and there is nothing wrong with that, but you still have the rest of your life to live, so try to find little things that help you make that easier for you.
Sending you an understanding hug, Suzanne.
