BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Lost675 on February 10, 2018, 11:30:27 PM
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Hello. My husband died of a stroke in his sleep on 8 January, totally unexpected. He was only 50 and had no symptoms or warning signs. I am devastated and just feel lost.
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Sending a welcome hug :hug: xx
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Sending you a warm welcome.My husband also died from a stroke although it was a second one so not as out of the blue.I am much further along this horrible grief journey than you but finding this forum was a big help.I hope it will come to be that lifeline for you too. :hug:
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Thank you for your kind replies.
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:hug: we will be here as long as you need us , so even if you dont feel like talking right now you can always come back -sometimes when things are so painful a distraction is useful -so there is the everyday chat section -and also you can start your own diary -sometimes it is easier just to write without restraint -i used to write one in the form of letters too my husband there.
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I really like the diary idea, I'll try that. Lots of people ask me how I am and what they really want me to say is 'I'm fine' even though I'm not. I think writing to Paul about how I really feel would be a good release, he was always a fantastic listener.
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Ah, the well meaning but completely insensitive comments that friends and family keep making are making me really cross too. I keep being told 'you're doing really well' which is of course just because I'm not falling apart in front of them. It hurts like hell and sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed but I too have thrown myself into keeping busy as a distraction from the awful reality - we have to find a way to function to get through each day. I wish people could see that we're just surviving each day of grief in any way we can, not 'doing well'. I picked up my husband's ashes last week and my best friend messaged me to ask if it 'helped' how I was feeling. I just answers 'no' although I wanted to answer 'good God woman how on earth could that help'. I fear I will give a truthful answer one of these days instead of the polite ones I find myself giving to make them feel better.
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:hug: people just don't know what to say and end up getting it wrong when they do.In truth nothing they can say will make it better and people deal with it differently so even when they have lost someone themselves how they got through each day isn't necessarily how you do.
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Hi
I totally identify with peoples insensitive comments. We have to deal with one thing at a time and if we are seen to be even remotely coping then we must be doing well. It has been 7 weeks to the day since my partner passed and it still hurts like mad, I still struggle to look at photo's of him when he was well. My friends mostly now are in the "stay away" phase. One so called friend ended a telephone call with "right got to go now as my man is coming home from work and I must cook him a lovely tea".
I think this reply is a little gloomy and maybe a little clumsy. I was trying to empathise but not sure I have the right tone. Please take care :coffeetoast:
Pam
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I will certainly give some thought to having a section like that Brian.I think one of the problems is that it may different between countrys.Churches also differ some insist on hymns others are more flexible but I think maybe members who do know more hymns might be able too add too a list..I was thinking of doing a travel tips section as I know a lot of people do find the idea of travelling alone daunting.For many here things are difficult in different ways because they have lost different people so the practicalitys are different so we tend to answer questions as they arise but we could certainly look into having more sections.
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Welcome to all and sending heartfelt condolences.
I had approx 6 weeks with my husband after told terminal, a shock, and though I was able to talk.to him he very quickly lost power of speech and understandig. Very difficult to watch decline.
I too found that about 3 or 4 weeks after funeral that friends and acquaintenances call and visit less and I have struggled with lonlieness since the day he died and findi t no easier now.
I totally understand the feelings of being lost and broken, we were together over 40 years so it us unrealistic fornpeoplw to expect that we can adapt or adjust to a solitary life we did not want.
Brian I am amazed that yiu can have no contact for up to 2 weeks, I dont know how you cope with that...I struggle badly with 1 or 2 days. I dont have a pet but have thought about one.
Hope you all find some comfort in knowing other people are reading your posts and understand the sentiments in them
:hug:
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salt and cold water paste,been there got the Tshirt. :rofl:
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Hi
Thank you for your comprehensive, not rambling reply Brian. I do not want to hijack the original posters theme but everyone seems to have the same problems with filling time, finding ways to deal with the lonliness, people staying away as they can't deal with things and emotions. When they do call, or more likely you call them most often its awkward and you can tell they are dying to get off the phone or change the subject.
I recently had to have a new boiler fitted and it was quite complex changing from floor standing to wall mounted. It has left quite an extensive restoration job which I can't do. My partner would have found it a breeze being really good at DIY.
Also have to discourage my son from trying to do it. He's about as good at DIY as his dad is and also has the same delusions of adequacy.
Many thanks and peace to everyone on here, may you find some solace.
Pam