BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: KarinaLianne on March 23, 2018, 07:56:02 PM
-
Hi my name is Karina and I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly three weeks ago. He was 51. We have two teenage children. His funeral was yesterday and I just can’t believe he’s never coming home! Hope to chat to you all soon x
-
Sending a welcome hug :hug: We're here when you're ready to talk. Everyone here is at different stages of this grief journey xx
-
Thank you very much x
-
Hi Karina,
So sorry for your loss, so young and so sudden. The funeral tends to be something of a waterfall, we need it maybe but I remember being somewhat numb up to the time it approached and then concentrating on getting through the day. Afterwards when folks had gone back to their lives reality kicked in. Please take each day , each minute as it comes. Try to have some structure, something to do even if you cannot concentrate too well. Try to eat and get some rest. I cannot say that it gets better but assured from people further on that it does. I am twelve weeks in and still hurting, that will probably not be comfortable reading but there is no time limit, no rule book and no instruction manual sadly.
Sending you peace of mind if I could, :coffeetoast:
Pam
-
Hi, thank you for your reply. I’ve had a better day today because I stayed out of the house a lot. Saturdays were his favourite day so they will always be hard. It’s funny how I’ve actually put sky sports on every Saturday afternoon so far because it feels more normal!! Also I’m going to brave going to his Dads house next weekend and that’s where my husbands van is at the moment. Not sure how that will be to see it for the first time in three weeks! Still can’t believe it’s not outside my house where it should be! Thank you again for replying :)
-
Hi Karina
I lost my husband completely unexpected too on 8 January. He went to bed as usual but died in his sleep, he was 50. I have a 17 year old and it's him that keeps me going and gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I'm sorry I can't say anything that will ease the pain but just wanted to acknowledge your post. I have found dipping in and out of this forum helps me as sadly we're all on this hideous journey together.
-
Hi, thank you for sharing that. I can’t believe how it helps already to know there are people going through the same awful things. How is your son coping? And do you mind me asking if you know the cause as that’s something we are still left wondering as they haven’t ascertained anything with Chris. We have to have an inquest in six months!
-
That's such a long time to wait for some answers, I really feel for you. Waiting for the post mortem for us was a dreadful feeling, I can't imagine what facing a 6 month wait is like. Paul died of a brain aneurysm which was instant and comes with no symptoms or warning so we had no idea it was going to happen. The shock has been devastating. My son was strong to start with, almost taking charge. Once he went back to college and I went back to work 3 weeks ago he started to struggle. I suppose we're trying to find some normality but nothing feels normal anymore. Paul used to help my son with homework and general 'boy' stuff so there's a big practical as well as emotional void. It came out in him just being very stroppy (more than the usual teenage stuff) However, he seems to be getting stronger again this past week and so I guess it's just the rollercoaster people talk about. He can't concentrate very well at the moment but his college have been great and said last week they will apply for some dispensation on his exams so that eased the pressure. I try not to cry in front of him now and focus on the nice memories with him so he doesn't worry himself silly about me too. I'm only a few weeks ahead of you but if it helps, each day I feel a tiny bit stronger as the waves come. Kim
-
Thank you it really is good to talk to someone who has been through the same. The worst thing about waiting until September is that they won’t know anything different to what they do now as all tests were done and results back. I guess they just have to officially say that it’s unknown and will put down to sudden adult death. I am the same and try not to cry in front of the children and I think they do the same with me! My son has cried with his girlfriend more than me. As long as we all get to talk to someone I guess that’s ok. My daughter is being the practical one helping fill out forms etc. Poor things. It feels bad being back at work this morning I feel kind of guilty!
-
It's cruel isn't it that you have to wait so long, you'd think in the circumstances they'd make it a top priority. Why do you feel guilty being back at work? Although I'm back, I'm definitely not at full speed, it's just a distraction for me and helps the time pass quicker. Before, I never seemed to have any spare time and now I seem have loads of it and it drags. General nattering with him is what I miss a lot and I still finding myself thinking 'I'll tell Paul that when I get home'.Sometimes I write it down in a note book, like a letter to him and that helps.
-
I think I feel guilty because it feels too ‘normal’ to be back at work. It’s the same with music, I love music and it’s a big part of my life but I haven’t listened to one song since because I feel like that’s me just going back to normal. Does that make sense?! Writing things down is good. I wrote Chris a letter to put in with him and I might continue to write in a notebook. I know what you mean about thinking I just must tell him something! The brewery down the road from our house caught fire a couple of weeks ago and I grabbed my phone to text him! It’s like your mind forgets just for a second.
-
It makes total sense. Every time, you do something 'normal' you feel like you're wiping a bit more of them away. I had to clean the bathroom so had to tidy his things away that had casually been left out the night before he died. I threw away his toothbrush, the only thing I have parted with and I feel awful about it. My best friend and my husband both loved reading (I don't) so they used to talk about books all the time. She couldn't read after he died but Paul would be gutted by that because he loved reading so much so I told her that. They wouldn't want us to lose something we love doing, we've lost enough already. She started reading again and doing something they both loved gives her a feeling that she's somehow enjoying it for both if them. We're all different so do what feels right for you.
-
I know what you mean about parting with their things. The toothbrush is still there although I was going to throw it out but my daughter said no! We went through a basket full of shoes yesterday and threw a couple of old pairs away but only because we were throwing some of ours out too! Can’t imagine how anyone parts with clothes etc! I still haven’t seen his van that’s at his Dads house and that’s going to be hard looking through that when I eventually do. He was at work when he died so thankfully his Dad and brother collected his van for me. So many things to deal with!!
-
There is a lot to sort out, the paperwork mountain goes on and on. I don't know how people part with clothes and more personal stuff either, I can't face that one yet. I've cleaned his car as I do need to get on and sell it but haven't actually got my act together to sort that out - it's all pretty exhausting isn't it!
-
Very I’ve never been so tired! The funeral day was the worst I was in bed at 3pm!! Life is cruel sometimes but we will get through it, good job we have our children to keep us focused on the day to day tasks!
-
:hug:There is no rush or hurry to part with things -I had to move house and packed my husbands things up then hung his dressing gown on the bedroom door in the new house -that way i could pretend he was working away and would be back. It sounds mad now and i knew he wasnt then -but the illusion got me through the move. Its been 7 years now -and his dressing gown is still on a hook at the back of the door.I found,over time different things start to have more-or less meaning than others and parting with some things becomes less painful -others i have kept and probably always will, but only you will know when the time is right if thats 6 months,6 years,or never.
Returning to work -even though it feels meaningless, and doing things "normal" sparks guilt along with so many other things all the what ifs, but it does at least add structure too the day and fill some of those endless hours.Its a long journey trying to find a new "normal" trying to redefine who we are and what are roles are,
My daughters had left home,you are still always a mother, but its less of a dominant role as they get older, youre still always a worker. But filling that time that they left is difficult, doing so is not the same as leaving them behind.Try to think more in the way of carrying them forward with you just in a different way.
I imagined a conversation, if there was ever such a thing as meeting in an afterlife, and how short that conversation would be if i just stopped doing anything,
but how much longer and more vibrant it would be if I had gone back to the places we both loved to get updates, done things we talked about doing, and new things too.It might look like normal too people who dont know, but i,m doing it so i can be the eyes on the world as a kind of tribute too him.
Writing too him is something i also found helpful -some days it was heartbreaking stuff others much more general but it did at least provide an oulet -as did this site.