Hi

[MG]

Hi,

So my journey with bereavement started around 4 years ago, when my mum passed away from secondary breast cancer, before then I'd been one of the 'lucky ones' and made it to 29 (she died 3 days before my 30th birthday) without any knowledge of what it was like to experience someone dying, only the wondering, and it then became very real. My wife was absolutely fantastic and took away a lot of the stress from me with organising things like funerals, something i'd never even considered, and all the choices that comes with them. For weeks i just went about things as if nothing had happened, rang round all the various places to inform them, wrote letters to others, and I started thinking, what on earth is wrong with me, your mum has just died, why are you not upset?! I started getting upset at the fact i wasn't upset then, but one night stood in the shower, bang, hit me like a train, and then i couldn't stop crying.

I still think i buried my head in the sand for years after, but my wifes life long illness started getting worse, and I put all my concentration and effort on her, and at the time I thought it helped a lot with what had happened, but now I realised I was just putting it to one side, but that it would need dealing with at some point.

nearly 4 years on from that event, and my wife sadly lost her battle with her illness, she was my true soulmate, there was no doubting that at all, and in the 17 years i knew her, i cared for her in one way or another for her illness for most of those years, and by the end was doing pretty much everything for her, whilst still working full time, and this meant when it all happened i was absolutely shattered, and didn't really have the energy for anything. I was totally lost, and still am. I've suffered with Social Anxiety all of my life, which has slowly been getting worse over the years, but the one person I could actually talk to properly, without feeling embarrassed or shy, now gone, and that has been so hard for me. One of the things I miss the most is the caring for her and loving her, and also the hospital appointments oddly. I delved deep into the science behind what was going on with her illness, and am proud to say that my efforts rewarded me with another 12 months with her, i ended up becoming so knowledgable about her condition that even in the final days on critical care, the consultants were asking my opinion before doing anything. She wasn't your average person though, the condition in the form she had it, made her totally unique in the world. I always knew my time with her was going to be short, but my oh my i didn't expect this. We were just days from our 10th wedding anniversary, she was desperate to get to it, but just missed it.

Just over 6 months has passed, and life is steadily getting worse, some days you get caught up in the routines, work is busy and your thoughts are elsewhere, but I find as soon as it stops and reality kicks in, it hits you again. People never considered how hard it was to come home, to an empty house. Just after we got married in 2009, we bought a bunny, as a bit of a makeshift child really, we'd tried IVF and it had failed, but my wife had so wanted to be a parent, so we decided to get a pet to fill the gap, and he has been absolutely amazing, he ended up living in the house for the majority of his life, and his cuddles have got me this far, but sadly life caught up with him at 4am yesterday morning, and he passed away too (oddly he died in exactly the same way as my wife, which dragged up a lot of emotions), and now I really feel alone, the house is eerie and so quiet like i've never known. So all the people and animals i've relied on for so many years just to get me from one day to the next are all gone, and now I just feel anxious all the time, and i'm so scared of everything.

I work from home most of the time, so its not often im around other people, but its something I haven't been able to do comfortably for many years, now it seems even more impossible as I haven't got someone by my side. Its got to a stage where I hate going out anywhere. I try to drag myself to some nice gardens for a bit of fresh air and exercise, but feel its more like im testing myself, rather than something pleasurable to do.

Like many of you here (been reading some of your posts), life has become challenging beyond comprehension, and many days I just feel like why do i even want to go on, i'm not particularly benefitting anyone, nor do I have any kind of purpose (especially not since yesterday morning), just living life one day to the next. It is truly horrible. At only 34 i've got such a long way to go, both in work, and likely in life too, and just wonder how long can i live feeling like this, as its killing me, slowly and painfully.

[Emz2014]

Sending you a welcome hug 

Six months isn't long in bereavement. Initially there is so much to do, organise, sort, I think that keeps at bay some of the pain aswell as having an element of shock. Around this time, to me, it felt like it was real and that brought a different/extra pain. I think our minds also have a protection mechanism where it lets you feel a certain amount then in time as it feels you're coping releases a bit more (like all in one go would be too much), but that does make it feel a rollercoaster. It doesnt feel like it at all now but it will get easier/learn to cope

Having lost your bunny too, thats a fresh loss to process on top of your grief. Pets are so much more than pets, they are part of the family
Be gentle with yourself, take things day by day or even hour by hour on bad days 

[MG]

Thank you. Yeah he was definitely part of the family, such a big hole again.

I think at times i expect too much of myself, i put on myself far too much, but its as if i just can't help it. Friends have often said to take care of myself and love me, but I'm just at a total loss as to how to do that. Over the years for some reason I've instilled in myself that I don't matter, i have no worth, and my main priority is to make others feel better, regardless of what effect it has on me. Where its come from i've no idea, perhaps from childhood, which is another thing I can remember very little about, despite on being 34, the majority of it is a total blank!

[Emz2014]

Sometimes we get used to being the strong one, then we feel a bit lost when we're struggling. When you're so used to looking after others it can be hard to either let others look after you or even to know yourself what you need

I have definitely learnt alot on my bereavement journey,and also found i had to find 'me' again, I feel I changed through this.
Biggest thing I learnt was to be gentler with myself. Sometimes there are occasions you need to push yourself forward but many times its ok to slow and be kind to yourself.
Maybe think what you may do for a friend and then do that for yourself. The more you do that for yourself you can rebuild your sense of worth.

[MG]

Very inspiring words, i feel i do have a lot to learn in life, and need to get to know myself again, and perhaps stop torturing myself all the time for the things i can't do.

I think back to walking into the hospital ward where my wife spent a lot of time a couple of years ago, and yes i still had issues with anxiety, but I was confident to be there, knew what I was doing, had confidence in what i was talking about, and i think thats a part of my loss too, as it was something i was good at that im no longer required to do. I even did things like IV infusions on the ward to free up the nurses time (I was certified to do them), and often Drs, consultants, other nurses walked in while i was doing them, but it never put me off. Odd that I had so much confidence in that, but yet none in anything else.

[Emz2014]

There are some things that come naturally to us and when they do confidence shines through.  We're not all supposed to be the same so makes sense that some things we excel at or feel natural with. And we can prove to ourselves that when we want or need to do something, feels possible to us, we can find a way to battle the anxiety. Just like that saying, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing it is stupid

In time maybe you'll find something in that kind of area, helping with ivs or sharing knowledge, maybe theres some voluntary posts - when you've had some time to heal you may be able to help others. You never know how much even a little help could mean to someone. 

I had no idea that after I lost my dad I would volunteer here - then 2 years after I lost him I also retrained and have a lot more meaning in my work now.  But at the beginning I had to focus on healing. Bereavement does impact confidence alot and brings anxiety, I had to build my confidence back up

We do learn alot about life and ourselves through bereavement, and here you're not alone on your journey