To both of you i apologise in advance for the length this will end up being and i know it doesnt help when people say it will get better but i hope my experience will help. In a lot of ways it doesnt get better, the lonliness and missing them doesnt go away - and i also have social anxiety -so know how difficult it is, and that feeling of there being no point to my life and to being here anymore is also one i know only too well.
It is 8 years now since my husband died so i am much further along this journey than you are and its a bumpy road - it is a roller coaster of a journey sometimes you think you are doing ok then something unexpectred swipes you off the road again - but there is a point there is a future, it isnt the one you planned or hoped for -but it isnt all bad either - getting to where you can see it however is the hard bit.
I found props to deal with the social anxiety - i still have it but i have found ways to cope with it - firstly always looking for an escape so i can get out of the way if i feel a panic attack coming on or if it simply all gets too much - at work it was behind a shed - in other places it tends to be outside because i do better outside and in others like airports when all else fails the loos. I did say airports - and thats where i have got too in that 8 years - in part that has come about because my daughter lives in Africa - and to see her i had to do something, but also through doing free online courses - and i know on line isnt the same as talking to real people but by doing the courses you are talking to people with the same interests - no need for small talk or hiding when it gets too much - so i did a few - just to fill time and give my mind something to think about other than the massive loss and the black clouds always over me. Then eventually i found a link between skills i use at work and the courses i thought i was picking randomly and saw a way i could still contribute something to the world just from my pc - so i got involved with a charity creating school gardens designing their marketing stuff - using ideas to get others on board with the idea and then got invited to Africa to visit one - and without realising it i was building confidence - not in my ability so socialise but in my ability to learn and contribute.
Getting to the airport getting through the security getting on a plane on my own were the challenges - but the end goal gave me a reason to take them on and for each thing i needed a coping srategy.
The other part of getting there was i imagined a conversation with my husband - if there was some sort of afterlife and we met again - and realised it would be a short conversation - he would not have wanted me to throw my life away when he faught so hard for his - he might actually be cross about it, so that reunion we all dream of wouldnt be so perfect as we imagine.
It didnt start with something as massive as an airport - it started with thinking if i couldnt live life for myself then i would live it for him and be his eyes on the world, and it started very small with planting wild daffodills which he loved, in a place he loved - then there were more places to plant in and i had to work out how to get there , so it grew bigger - and there were things we loved to do together which is diificult how could i still love dolphin watching in the place we were supposed to retire too without him standing next to me - it took time to do that one, and the first time wasnt easy i came away disillusioned but i tried again and it turns out i can still love it, and instead of feeling sadder than normal i actually feel closer to him there than anywhere else, and when life is bad enough anyway by not doing the things you loved to do, you are making it worse even though it doesnt feel possible to be worse.
Then there was the things we talked about doing but didnt get chance like walking up cader Idris - (still left to do) - and the things he would have loved to do and i would have sat out on - social anxiety became less terrifying than actually doing a couple of them - zip wiring across a gorge wasnt my idea of fun - yet i was rewarded with seeing a rainbow in a waterfall and remembered me saying when we first got together seeing a photo of one on a travel brochure and how i would love to see that, and him promising one day he would make sure i did - it wasnt the angle i hoped to see it from, and it wasnt him who physically took me there in the way he meant - yet it was him who was still driving the things i did - so in a way it was him who kept his promise - i wont be doing zip wiring again though.
Each one of those things became a challenge and each challenge had to have a strategy, it didnt jusy happen - except the rainbow did just happen.
Strategy ranges from something as simple as a pebble from a favourite beach always in my pocket - so if i start to feel off, holding it and thinking of the beach calms me down - to carrying a camera and setting myself a series of shots to take - having the camera makes me feel as though i have a legitimacy to be somewhere and the series focussed my mind so much that i wasnt thinking about the people around and worrying what they were thinking about me - which we do even though we know they probably aren,t - they were daft things - car radiators at a vintage show - cable ends on buildings when i had to wait hours to change trains in Manchester - that kind of close focussed thing single purpose thing.
I can do that stuff now, yet to this day i wouldnt go into a cafe on my own either - and that used to bother me i thought it was some sort of failing on my part - and maybe it is - but the thing is it doesnt matter to me now the way it did - i dont actually want too or need too - there are always alternatives - and it was the same with joining something local - its quite remote where i live and there isnt much choice of things to join - amateur dramatics - as if i am ever going to stand on a stage - but i thought maybe something back stage - it didnt work - and neither did the WI - i went because people said i should join something, not because i was interested in what the thing was and it was awfull, in part because the clicks of people were already estblished and i would just be standing on my own like a spare part but had i felt passionate about the thing they were doing maybe i would have tried again but in truth i didnt - they wernt my thing, so not only do you need to have a strategy to slay the dragons in the way of where you want to be, you have to recognise the ones you dont need to slay because its not really blocking you from what you want to do.
Everyone has different interests lives in different place what works for me will not work for everyone but i think the ideas remain
Firstly accept that grief will always be with you and it will change who you are - there will be times you dont recognise the person you have become but over time you can learn to live with both those things and recognise that even though they are physically gone the love between you doesnt go and whatever your beliefs they can still be a driving force behind you the way they always were.
Secondly pick the dragons you need to slay and if you cant slay them find a strategy to get round them but tackle them one at a time - if getting out of the door is a challenge then practice getting out of the door before you move on to the next step.
Thirdly dont bother with the dragons that are not in the way of what you want to do and dont think that it means you have failed by doing that - if you cant go in a cafe unless going in a cafe is important too you then it isnt a fail dont be hard on yourself.
-and finally (sorry i do go on - a lot)
Start with little things - go for a walk round the block - look closely at nature, and there is nature wherever you are living - from trees in a park to seagulls flying over you - to a weed climbing its way through a chink in the pavement - because nature is the greatest healer there is - and it shows us that there is always new life - there is always a moment of beauty when your spirits lift even though they can so quickly drop again, the more of those moments there are the better and sometimes you have to look for them.Nature shows you there is always a struggle but ther is always new life and persistance pays off - i walk to work every day and i once saw a snowdrop that had braved the cold and come out then been squashed flat by a car tyre - but the next day it was upright - unloved, un recognised but still fighting - and its still there still coming up at the side of the road after every harsh winter.
If you need a prop like a pebble or a camera - or anything that you can think of that would help you maybe something they wore, a piece of jewellery perhaps - (i still have my husbands fleece under my coat on cold days because it reminds me of his warmth and a bracelet that i dipped into the indian ocean - because it reminds me if i can get that far i can walk into a shop ) - then take it with you and use it.
Maybe you will find if you go at a regular time on a regular route you will see other people who are also doing the same - they might say good morning and you answer them as you pass but you dont have to have a long conversation or think about what to say and maybe a smile is all it will take to brighten your day just a little bit - but also they may be as lonely as you and as in as much pain as you - we dont know what has happened in the life of that stranger so maybe if you are the one who smiles at them you will make their day brighter - and although you may never know it, the difference that you make to their day is one of many reasons why there absolutely is a point to you being here.
