Dealing with inappropriate comments

[Anacapa]

Although am very new to this wonderful supportive forum I have noticed that dealing with the stuff people say to you is sometimes very difficult.  I have a ‘friend’ in my village that I have a hobby in common with, I met her through the WI and at first didn’t think she was my cup of tea but she is so clever with the craft work she does that I agreed to go to a few craft shows with her.  We are fine if we stick with this but it has turned out we have very little else in common.   She has not had children, through choice, and has a very dysfunctional relationship with her own mother so just does not seem to get how close I was to my daughter and how I want to help support my son-in-law and grandchildren following her passing.  As a result she has made some very off the cuff and to my mind inappropriate comments.  Just to give you an example, when I was visiting my daughter after she had been given a terminal diagnosis she asked me ”If I was visiting her for her or for me”,  whatever that was meant to mean, when I told my daughter about this she was very angry and told me to tell her to -  go away -  but not quite so politely.  When my lovely girl was coming towards the end of her struggle and it was very hard to all our family to watch this, but I must tell you she fought to the end, the last thing she wanted to do was leave her beautiful children, this woman’s husband told me if he was in my daughters shoes he would go to dignitas in Switzerland and commit suicide.  She has accused me of taking time up at the doctors surgery talking about how I am coping, even though I had told her the conversation was started by my lovely supportive, empathetic doctor.  She has told me I will be a surrogate mother to my grandchildren if I am not careful and should think about not going to see them as often.   I could go on with other comments but it seems she just does not seem to understand how close my daughter and I were and how inappropriate her comments are.  My problem is that at the moment I am doing my best to avoid her, I am retired and she has just gone part time and seems to think I should join classes with her  and generally spend time with her and I just think if these comments carry on coming I am going to blow up.  I have seen that other members mention being sensitive to what people say without thinking but I feel  I cannot cope with any further comments.  Can anyone give me advice to solve this problem, I cannot hide in my house forever and I am bound to run into her.  She leaves messages on my answering machine and I have not been returning her calls.   This week I skipped my yoga class, something I had to talk myself to going back to after my daughters passing but I couldn’t face seeing her, she has just joined following her part time working.  I cannot face a confrontation but I also do not feel strong enough to brush off these comments.  Sorry if this is long winded but this is on my mind and I have enough to cope with.  Thank you for your patience.

[Norma]

 
Anacapa you do not need friends like this woman, obviously she hasnt suffered a significant loss in her life yet, but know it may sound awful to say it but the saying of 'what goes round comes round' springs to my mind at the moment. Xxx

 

[Julie Magson]

That is a difficult one. I agree with Norma that she doesn't sound the type of personality you need to be around right now. I have a friend who is one of the few who have bothered to visit me which I totally appreciate but she just doesn't 'get it' couldn't understand why I was upset that I had to clear out Alan's garage, told me I needed to get out of the house and what I could do instead (all on my own of course!). I think if it was me I would be tempted to maybe write her a letter and tell her how you feel when she says these things? She will either cut herself off from you or if she is a true friend, one that is there for YOU then she will understand. If you want to keep being her friend tell her so, but also that you can't cope with some of the  things she says sometimes, and explain that these things wound a newly bereaved person, and that you understand how difficult it is for someone who hasn't gone through this to know how to deal with us.

[Brian71]

I also agree with Norma,  this lady is not a genuine friend,  and is one you can do without,   she is saying these things to provoke a response,  I can understand the question where she asked if you were doing it to make you feel good or for your daughter,   but no genuine friend would ever say that, it's totally inappropriate, and if she was a real caring friend she wouldn't even need to ask that, indeed it would never come into their head to do so,  her husband sounds little better.

This lady friend is what I call a "Put Downer"  friends like this are not worth having,  instead of showing real empathy and support especially at a time when you need it,  they tend to undermine you.

Your rather vulnerable at the moment, also because of your loss it's probably discussed frequently and it's likely the subject of your daughter will be at the forefront of your mind which is natural,  I talk a lot about my wife who I lost in April after 49yrs marriage to un-diagnosed cancer,   but others often don't share your grief,  they have no idea at all how you are really feeling.
My son said he stopped grieving at his Mums funeral, and indeed said to me about 2 months ago 'Dad she's dead...let her go and stop talking about it'  he thinks I'm full of negativity all the time,  IOW he's a prat and couldn't care less.    My daughter is the opposite,  she lives furthest away 235miles but phones every day and is staying with me next week,  the 3rd time since her Mum died.

Fortunately there are people who genuinely care and are supportive, and sadly there are those that in reality don't really want to know if the truth be told.   IOW the opposite, and these sort of people instead of being genuinely supportive at a time you need it,  actually enjoy pulling you down,  or at least it would  appear that way sometimes, it's even possible your so called friend may even be a little envious of the attention you have been receiving because of your loss,  I know that sounds totally crazy,  but we just don't know.  You know yourself this friend is not helping you,  she gets off on knocking you down,...you don't need it. 

Julie's more tactful thoughtful reply may also be a option if you wish to remain friends with her, but I have a feeling she would not respond in a positive supportive manner,  I hope I'm wrong, and to quote Julie...It is a difficult one.
 

[Emz2014]

She does sound very insensitive and overpowering (possibly to the level of bullying) and I too question the value of a friend like that, but also realise this is delicate as you are in a village so not as easy to avoid her going forward.  And whilst grieving a potentially confrontational discussion is the last thing you need or want

Some people are overpowering and believe what they think is best for others (and the only option) and won't change. Perhaps have a think whether she has shown these traits before your loss - is this a pattern of behaviour or is she meaning well but getting it totally wrong (ie was supportive before or tried to force her opinion) that may help inform whether there is a friendship there you want to retain/repair (repair being her work to do, not yours) or your next actions are to find a non confrontational way to end the friendship

It seems to me that this is possibly going beyond the odd insensitive comment (I remember when my ex husband had committed suicide a so called friend at the time thought it was appropriate to ask if I 'benefited financially' and proceeded to slag him off (it was a complex situation, not a straight forward split)  but this woman appears to be taking this much further, she is actually seeming to try and tell you what you should do with your grandchildren. And that is none of her business

I think perhaps a letter explaining the hurt she is causing would be an option (if you believe she means well), you don't have to have a discussion whilst in a vulnerable position (and it sounds like she is taking advantage of this, by attempting to overpower you with opinions you are not requesting).  So a letter explaining why it is so hurtful, and explaining that if it has to continue that way you'll need to call an end to the friendship.

Or if it is a toxic friendship explain it will not be continuing (I have stopped contact with toxic friends and it's surprising how much better it feels afterwards, especially when you hadn't realised the drama they had brought with them. In time it feels good being free from it)

If it would help to draft a letter here for some help or support I'm sure the group would be happy to help with suggestions if that would be helpful. Otherwise write what you feel is right (you know this woman better than us) and we're here supporting you all the way xx

[Emz2014]

Sorry for such a long response but I'm in quite a thinking mode at the moment. (and trapped on a train lol) Another thing that came to mind is that we are not obliged to be friends with everyone who may want to be friends with us.  As adults life is hectic with lots of areas requiring our attention and energy (and that's before we even consider anything traumatic  we are dealing with) and sometimes if we have explored and found we don't have enough in common with someone it's OK to say, actually, we're not cut out to be friends. Could be acquaintances, or polite when see them out and about, but we shouldn't feel obliged to do more than we feel comfortable with.  It's just acknowledging we're all different, not everyone is destined to get on.   I know I won't be everyone's cup of tea and before I would have been upset thinking someone might not like me, but years down the line in my bereavement journey I am learning that it's my friends opinions that matter and it's those lovely people I want to invest my time

It's a difficult topic to broach, and even more so when we are so fragile, but we shouldn't feel bad when we have to say a relationship doesn't work for us.  You do what you need for you. There will always be other people more suitable for a beautiful friendship xx

[Karena]

I totally agree with the others and although as you say we do get sensitive to things others say in this case this isn't over sensitive of you.Her comments are totally inappropriate.The only possible excuse would be if she had an undiagnosed condition in which she is unaware of others emotions otherwise I would say she is just a toxic person.I also live in a village and totally understand why you dont want a full scale row. Next time she asks or phones you I would just say something on the lines of.

,look I,m sorry,my family come first right now and I need and want to spend time with them so no I,m not coming to x or y, perhaps it might be better for you if you find someone else to go with you.

Things are bad enough right now without her unhelpful comments and without a self imposed exile.

[Hubby]

Perhaps I could put another viewpoint on this.

Death and bereavement are not really discussed a lot in society. This has the effect of not only the whole process being a complete unknown to those of us going through it but also making people around us who have not experienced it awkward.

A few avoid us like the plague. Most people seem to muddle through but we will all have experienced people 'putting their foot in it'. Sometimes they realise it straight away and go into that strange over apologetic mode. Sometimes they don't realise it but we let it go because we understand that it is just a mistake. Then there are the few people who seem to be saying the wrong thing far too often for it to be simple mistakes as your friend seems to do.

My mother was such a person. She had no social skills. She was incapable of holding her tongue. She did not think before talking and would voice the first thing that came into her head without even a fleeting consideration of what upset it would cause. It wasn't malice, it was a mental issue, she simply didn't know better. I knew this to be the case and for years just let the hurtful things she would say go.

It was hard work. Too hard. After hundreds of second chances I had to cut her adrift as I couldn't take anymore. I didn't talk to her for ten years before her death.

Do I regret it? Do I hell. I wish I'd done it years sooner.

Some people simply are not worth the hassle.

[Norma]

Aw hubby ive just read your post and need to give you a massive (((hug)))

 

[Hubby]

I'll take that hug thank you Norma

 

[Brian71]

Some thoughtful responses, and whatever Anacapa decides to do, if indeed anything,  I hope it achieves the right result.

Hubby also makes some valid good points... as he says... from a different viewpoint, so a difficult decision I think,  there's an old saying,  if in doubt...do nothing, which is one of Hubbies suggestions and possibly the safest and perhaps the most viable choice at this time.

Sorry to hear that about your own Mum Hubby,   my Mum also had the occasional habit of saying something without thinking first.
It's something we are all guilty of doing sometimes and we regret saying it afterwards, but sadly some people can do it too frequently and often don't realise they are doing it, or the upset it causes. 

[Anacapa]

 Thank you all so much for your very helpful replies it has really given me lots to think about and I am feeling much clearer about how I may handle this situation, I will let you know the end result.  Again many thanks and lots of hugs to all.