14 long years!

[Ben30]

Hi everyone. I'm completely new to this type of thing. I'm 30 years old now and married with kids. I consider myself to be happy the majority of the time but there's just always something there that will make me feel fed up or upset at the most random of times.
My mum died by suicide when i was 16. I was the eldest of 5 children and my dad brought us up from then on. I do not get deeply upset very often and I actually feel sometimes like I have never grieved enough. Often feeling guilty about this. My family are not the type to talk about this especially when we where younger. I had counselling a few years ago but it altered nothing.
I have also just fell out with my dad who brought us up. This is the first time ever we aren't really on good terms. Another point to mention is that I'm the only child who isn't his by blood. He has never let this be an issue at all but it sometimes creeps into my head that I don't have a blood parent in my life. Which I know is daft but happens when I feel sorry for myself. The bouts of being upset or fed up have been more frequent since this falling out.
I suppose I'm on here to see if anyone else has anything similar to this. Is it just an acceptable level of bereavement to live with? I don't feel depressed or suicidal. Is this a slow gradual build up to something worse? It's been 14 years, is this just how I'll feel now? As I said I'm very happy or atleast satisfied with my life the vast majority of the time.
Thanks for your time.
It would be great to meet someone to just talk to when needs be on a one to one basis.
Ben

[Norma]

Sending a welcome hug Ben xx
 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug Ben 
I lost my dad just over 3 years ago.  I could easily use your description for myself.  Majority of the time I'm fine, but sometimes it feels like there's an underlying sadness/restlessness. I'm happy with my life, have things I'm working towards/looking forward to but still get those moments.
Falling out with your dad will bring back some of the feelings of loss. 
You say you're very happy/satisfied, I think its good to focus on the good.  Life will always have ups, downs and a few non descript moments, when feeling flat remember all the good things and memories xx

[Ben30]

Sending a welcome hug Ben xx
 

Thankyou

[Ben30]

Thanks emz.
I suppose I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. My wife has depression so I don't want to burden her. My sisters and dad have always found it hard to talk about it and we aren't on good terms anyway.
This means it's just always there and when it does rear it's head I can't release it, only try to bury it again. Even having a reply on here has made me feel much better.
Thanks
X

[Emz2014]

It does help to have someone to talk to and everyone here has lost loved ones and understand.  Members are all at different stages of the journey.  We share the bad times but also share the good times between too

There's a chat room in the eve too, if you're having a low moment and want more active chat

Keep talking with us,  you may find it helps.   Xx

[Julie Magson]

Hi Ben- I've found that just writing 'talking' on here had been a huge help to me- I have my sister but she is going through her own troubles at the moment and my children all have their life issues to deal with so here is a safe haven where everyone just understands without us really having to say much.

[Ben30]

Thanks for your caring replies. I may well pop by to the chat room at some point. Its just been nice to see a couple of friendly replies. Couldn't really see many active chatrooms or forums about online for this kind of thing.

[Emz2014]

Whenever you need to chat, whatever you need to talk about there's a lovely bunch of people here. I certainly found talking here helped me.

We also arrange meet ups too.  We try to do a meet which most members can get to each year, this year was Bristol, last year was Birmingham.   There are also mini meets set up around various parts of the country. 
I went to Bristol meet this year and certainly came away with friends.  Xx

[Ben30]

Yeh that sounds pretty good. However doubt I'll be travelling across the country to attend these meet ups as I'm based in north West and I dont want my wife to know I'm feeling this way due to her own problems.
I feel good today though. May it carry on that way. Back to work tomorrow though and i work in a prison so that could always have an affect on my mood.
My mum died by suicide because of sexual abuse her and her sisters had endured at the hands of her step father when they where young. The trial later in life that lead to his imprisonment was too much for my mother and the whole situation took her to a level to which she felt she couldn't carry on. This in turn gave me an interest in mental health and I now work as a pharmacy tech in a prison as of 3 weeks ago. I'm constantly dealing with convicted sexual abusers and paedophiles and providing a service for them I suppose, ensuring they have their medication.  I find it fascinating and very interesting however as i write this now I am beginning to wonder if this kind of exposure has lead to me feeling a bit fed up recently subconsciously.
I didn't intend to write about this in this post so it goes to show what talking about things can do and how it can help me understand my situation.
X

[Ben30]

Thankyou Eileen.

[Karena]

Welcome Ben.I think its likely your job is connected to how you are feeling just now.things do trigger grief when we don't expect it and falling out with your dad is a second potential trigger.Its 12 years since I lost my mum and not that bereavement that brought me here,yet last Christmas a Xmas carol on the radio that she used to sing that I havnt heard for years triggered not just tears but a few months of upset.

[Ben30]

Nice to meet you karena. I'm sorry you have obviously had to go through more than one close loss in your life. Your right it does seem that somethings can trigger long term deep lying upset which in me leaves me feeling fed up when I'm not busy.
I hope to speak and listen more to yourself and the rest of you kind people in the coming months and beyond. Who knows, it may change everything for me after 14 years of hurt.

[Hubby]

Hi Ben. Welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear of the loss of your mum.

I think it helps to write stuff down or talk it over with people like counsellors or the Samaritans. It seems to me that we can't process it properly just in our heads and we have to find a way to let it out to make ourselves feel better. Hopefully ousting on here will help you feel a little better.

Take care