Waking up and remembering

[angela33]

Does anyone else hate that moment in the morning when you wake up and for a split second you have forgotten your loss and then it comes over you like a tidal wave?  That dreadful feeling never seems to get any better - I thought when the summer came with light mornings and sunshine it might start to feel a bit easier, but it hasn't and now I find myself catching the scent of Autumn in the air and am filled with dread at the thought of the short days and long dark nights to be got through again, specially as December 2nd will be my first anniversary of my husband's death.  I feel so helpless in the face of what I am feeling and just cannot seem to 'think positive' and stop this pattern of fear and sadness. Will it come in time do you think? Never thought of myself as such a negative thinker, unable to 'pull myself together'. x

[Julie Magson]

Goodness Angela it could be me typing that post. Sometimes I wake up and think 'Oh Alan's downstairs now' or 'Alan has set off for work' and for a fleeting second I feel happy. I too am dreading Autumn as this was the last Summer Alan was at home with me, then on Sept. 2nd he went into hospital for the next 9 months and never came home so Autumn/Winter hold terrible memories for me.
From what I read then yes, it should get better, even though I don't see how at this stage in my journey. At least you know that yet again the way you are feeling is probably familiar to everyone on here. Always here if you want to rant either on here or by PM.

[Hubby]

I have had that feeling in the morning. I have also found that, as I start getting back into a routine and more relaxed, I sometimes forget during the day only to have the realisation leap out on me again and drag me back to reality.

It's as if grief is a cat and I'm the mouse it's playing with. It lets me get away a little then sticks its claws in just when I think I'm safe only to let me go again.

[Gogga12]

Oh yes Angela, I know that too well. Only the other morning I woke from sleep thought I could hear my Alan in the kitchen making my morning cuppa to bring me with my medication..... I waited and thought he was being a long time this morning, what's taking him so long, and then I remembered and the waves of despair swept over me and I thought I was drowning and when I didn't drown I wish I had.
And the Autumn/ Winter, just how do we face that ..... I haven't got to that one yet, like many before me, but already it fills me with dread ..... getting out even less, no public transport after 7pm, not that I can use public transport, but having to be home before dark at 4pm because my eyesight doesn't let me drive in the dark.
Does any of this ever get better? How can life/God, whatever people believe, do this to us? My word I thought I had suffered more then enough in life already, miscarriage, early hysterectomy so there was no more, divorce, but this, THIS, I have never known pain like it. They say grief is the price we pay for love, oh such a price. I pray that soon I can start to remember all my happy times with Alan, that the memories and years we had will make me smile because at the moment it's not that I've lost my smile but more like I will never, ever smile again.
I feel exactly like you Angela so I send you hugs. Hubby, I've been reading many of your posts and your story from the start and I send you hugs too, i think you are doing amazingly well and I hope I can be as brave as you in the weeks and months to come. Your cat & mouse description is so spot on.
Maybe we should think about starting a bereavement home, like a nursing home but just for those bereaved, where we can go to be supported by all those that have been there before us, just until we feel stronger, just until we learn how to smile again, just until we know we are able to move on. Anyone won the lottery and looking for something to invest their money in ..... think you would be onto a winner.
Thank you and hugs to all on here who are doing so well, one baby step at a time.

[Karena]

In a way this site is just that even though we are not physically in the same building,but looking on it as a convalescence is spot on,just as with physical convalescence there are falls and set backs and its a long process,but if it was physical we probably wouldn't give ourselves such a hard time as we do with grief but the same apples wrap yourself up,feed yourself properly and rest when you can.