Author Topic: Ten months on after the loss of my husband  (Read 94 times)

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Offline ChristineM

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Ten months on after the loss of my husband
« on: February 11, 2021, 01:31:21 PM »
I lost my husband April 2020  We had been together 45 years and married for 43  He died during the first lockdown which has made everything so much harder  He had been unwell for  several years and I gradually became his carer In 2017 he developed lymphoma a blood cancer and was very unwell with side effects of the treatment However he went into remission but he was left with health problems  During 2018 /19 he had severe copd with numerous hospital admissions eventually having to use oxygen 24/7 and a ventilator at home During all of this he had a nervous breakdown and I had to have a major operation  It all became too much for me being on call day and night  We had occasional support from palliative care nurses  but it wasnít enough When he was eligible for continuing nhs care he went into a local nursing home as he wanted to help me even though he was only in his sixties  He became more unwell there as his copd progressed then after all his battles he caught covid and died very suddenly within 48 hours  My son and I saw him in hospital He was not aware of us then had to leave him to die on his own several hours later  Because of the lockdown Iíve been on my own for most of these last 10 months  My son and his wife and my grandson live a long distance away from me so I donít see them very often at all
I say Iím ok to them as I donít want to burden them with my sadness all the time  I donít sleep very well and canít find much purpose in getting up in the morning. I write in a journal from time to time to get things off my chest I have lots of photos of my husband around the house but they donít make up for him not being here with me I talk to him all the time I try going for a walk when the weather permits It does help to get out the house sometimes but doesnít take away the sadness and overwhelming loneliness I feel. I miss him so much  Just being able to share my life with him again is my greatest wish to be able to turn the clock back and relive it all again  The months have passed by so quickly in a blur  I donít know how Iíve got through them  yet in some ways the loss of my husband all seems to have happened so long ago  I think as the months pass family just assume you must be ok and have got over it whatever that means  I think you have to experience this loss for yourself to truly know how it feels I have lost my father several years ago but it canít be compared to losing your husband I know he would want me to be happy but itís easier said then done

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Ten months on after the loss of my husband
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2021, 02:01:21 AM »
So sorry, Christine. Sending you a hug.  :hug: Loss is the hardest thing anyone ever has to go through and I admire you for doing all the things that I found helped after my own most recent loss in 2017. Sadly, it is a long and difficult road and we just have to take things one day at a time, but lockdown and being cut off from others only makes that harder. You are not alone here. We do understand and have been there ourselves. For me, it was a help just to know that. Things do get better slowly. It would help if things were not as they are just now and you could find new interests and new friends to distract yourself from your grief, but at the moment the only way to do that would be on-line and that might be worth thinking about. If there were some interest you have or shared with your husband that you could follow a course on, it might help. It would give you something else to think about for a while and do for both of you perhaps. Grief is exhausting and it can help to make yourself think about something else for a while. Feel free to talk to us here too. Wishing you well.  :hearts:

Offline ChristineM

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Re: Ten months on after the loss of my husband
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2021, 09:24:47 AM »
Hello Sandra. Thanks for your reply. Iím so glad I joined this site to get support from people like yourself who know how Iím feeling I do know that others have gone through and are going through the loss of their loved one but I think I tend to forget this Grief makes me feel so alone and isolated Ill try to remember Iím not alone and that it will as you say get better Iíll take it one day at a time instead of looking too far ahead Your suggestion about trying an online course is something Iíve never really given much thought to but itís a good idea  Iíll certainly think about that I do have a large garden and spend alot of time in it in the warmer months Richard my husband used to love gardening before he became ill and when I do it I do think Iím doing it for him Iíll think about your suggestion itíll be something different to occupy my thoughts with because grief is exhausting every day going round and round in my head all the thoughts memories and feelings  They are never ending
Thanks again
Christine

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Ten months on after the loss of my husband
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2021, 10:59:57 AM »
For me, Christine, I really found it helpful to follow up a shared interest. The fact that it was an interest I had shared with the person I had lost somehow helped make it feel ok to join a class. It helped also that this was a class you could physically attend as it was before lockdown, but I am sure even Zoom attendance would be better than nothing or even working away on your own as it will still take your mind off your grief for a while.

I think we all have that experience of going over all those things that happened close to the end going round in our heads over and over. I found I had to make an effort to move out of that. It helped to make an album of favourite photos and that did help re-evoke memories of better times too. It also helped to revisit places we had been to together as this also reminded me of better times.

The other thing is to accept that whatever you did at the time, you did for the best. We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time and even if we feel we could have done better looking back, that is not so. We don't have the benefit of hindsight at the time, so we just try to do the best with the information we have then. We can all find something to criticize ourselves for, but there is no one who will not have done what they thought was the best in the moment So if you are going over everything because you are feeling like this, please don't blame yourself. I am sure you should not be.

The other thing to remember is that the end of a life only makes up a tiny fraction of that person's life as a whole and it sounds like you and your husband were very happy together, so hold on to that. Illness and painful memories always surround the end of a life, but they don't blot out the many years of happiness and laughter and fun of the many previous years, so you have to remember that and be grateful and celebrate that too. They are much more important and significant than those painful last days. 

Sending you a hug.  :hug:

Offline ChristineM

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Re: Ten months on after the loss of my husband
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2021, 11:22:58 AM »
Thanks Sandra youíve helped to put a more positive way of looking at things across  I tend to look at all the negative things  and itís so easier to do this  Youíre right when you say that illness and painful memories are only part of a persons life and yes we did have many happy times together  Iíll try and think of them more  I do have a lot of photos and Iíll go thru them and make an album of them thatís a good idea I did make one for our grandson with photos of him and his gramps doing things together such as in the park on holiday  etc as I wanted him to have something of his own to keep and remember him by Iíll make one for myself  Iíll definitely look into the courses Iíll have a think about what we both liked  As for the feelings I did have days of thinking I should have done this or that but Iím trying to let them go as Iíve realised no one is perfect and as you say we do whatís best at the time 
Thanks for all your help Sandra  youíve definitely helped me a lot Itís good to hear someone elseís viewpoint  Take care
Christine