Author Topic: adult step children making this so much harder  (Read 170 times)

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Offline so-lost

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adult step children making this so much harder
« on: January 03, 2021, 11:34:18 PM »
Hi, I'm new here
My partner of 15yrs took his own life 4 weeks ago - we moved in together 5 yrs ago. I have my 18yr old daughter who lives with us and he has 3 adult children who have never lived with us. He never changed his will He was the air that I breath - I am truley devestated.
However he never changed his will & left everything to his kids - we have a joint mortgage - my home and any financial future is at risk. Although he said he had talked to his kids about the house and money - they now deny this. If I talk about money they get upset. I arranged the funeral but they dominated it & wanted it to be all about their dad when they were growing up  - nothing about me or my daughter who has lived with him for the past 5 years. My partner & I talked about everything - he knew me and 'got' me - his kids dont,  and see me as a money grabber - I just want to know what's going on . We were close before his death - I love the grandchildren, but they really cant see it from my perspective and wont want to acknowledge his role as step father to my daughter. ( they see her as being to blame for his death - she is not).  I am devastated at the loss - so hurt and excluded. They even talked amongst themselves what to do with his ashes without including me. I am lost without my soul mate. I thought that I got on well with my step family but am now begining to think that I will loose that relationship to.
I tick each day off on the calendar as I complete yet another day.  Each day is such an effort  - made harder by his children closing ranks - even his sons eulogy was about the 3 of them against the world.
He was my whole world - my everything - how do you keep going. Hurting so much.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: adult step children making this so much harder
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2021, 10:14:44 AM »
So sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to lose anyone and especially hard to lose someone in such a way as this. Sending you an understanding hug.  :hug:

Unfortunately I suspect the reaction of your partner's children is not unusual. I do think it is unfathomable though. You all loved the person you have lost, so why do some of those who loved him turn against others who did? it makes no sense to me, sadly.

I do think you should see a solicitor about your financial situation to see what you may be able to do legally. That will probably be the best course of action in these circumstances. The only other thing is to try to keep talking to his children and attempt to keep the avenues of communication open. Whether this works or not, try to hold on to the good memories you have of your five years with your partner and do whatever helps you come to terms with this. Perhaps put together an album of favorite photos you can turn to when you are missing him and revisit places you visited together to help reawaken the good memories you have of him. If you were excluded from helping take an active part in the funeral, perhaps you could commemorate his memory in a different way by getting a bench placed at a favorite place he liked with a dedication on it or plant a tree for him.

If there are unsaid things you still need to express, you could try writing these in a letter to him. You don't need to show it to anyone, but writing does help give expression to a lot of those unexpressed feelings and helps get them out of your system somehow.

Be kind to yourself, especially as your honorary step-children are not and try to find out what helps, so that you have a few things you can use to help you feel better. Grief is a long and difficult road to walk, so just take it one day at a time. Wishing you well.  :hearts:

Offline so-lost

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Re: adult step children making this so much harder
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2021, 10:39:48 AM »
Thank you your reply. I do plan to get a journal and start writing g things down. Letters to him and letters to his children. I have tried my hardest to support them but feel that the 3 of them have closed ranks and the 3 of them against me.
I really can only do one day at a time - sometimes only 1/2 day. Force myself to get up and dressed - feels like a huge gaping wound...


Offline Sandra61

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Re: adult step children making this so much harder
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2021, 10:59:35 AM »
Well, if it's any comfort, this is normal. I came here after losing my mum in 2017. It wasn't the first time I had lost someone, but it was the hardest. There were days when I didn't get dressed at all and didn't even notice time passing, so anything you can manage, even making a cup of tea is a small achievement. You just have to do whatever you can manage and live from day to day until you begin to feel a little better. This whole episode must have come as a terrible shock and will take time to adjust to. Any close loss causes a massive irreversible upheaval in your life and a lot of effort to come to terms with. I found having flowers around helped me. Also walking in the park. Nature has a way of reminding you that there are still things worth living for and that life goes on. I found it did help to get out of the house, so try to go for a walk and find things that help you. It was a help to me just to know that others understood. You might like to take a look at the Facebook page for this group. That was also a help in the early days after my mum died. One day at a time, or one moment at a time when needs must. Be gentle with yourself.  :hearts: :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: adult step children making this so much harder
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2021, 12:56:55 PM »
 :hug: something similar happened to a friend of mine - she was with her partner for 22 years but he hadnt divorced his wife as she had been so obstructive and was an alcaholic and potentially drug dependant - they had two daughters and my friend had children too including a daughter who he had always been dad too -

The wife and daughters were round the house the same morning an hour or two after he died demanding all the paperwork even for their vehicles and caravan  - she always knew they would get the house but they took everything else as well and they arranged the funeral in a catholic church - he wasnt religious - and the order of service had a photo of them on the front from when they were small  like  my friend had never existed - the song choices were pathetic. the minister had never met him which then made his eulogy very fake because he didnt acknowledge that.
 They arranged a wake in a dive of a pub and with the drink around it was always going to end up being awful for her facing them - so for mutual friends we  just went to a local pub he liked had a meal and a drink with her and her children and grandchildren.
This was almost 3 years ago  it was absolutely devastating of course  but she is beginning to find peace now.She no longer sees her stepdaughters that was their choice she didnt push them out they chose to stay out of her life  but is ok with that now.

Kharma has a way of dealing with things sometimes - The house it turned was stucturally a disaster waiting to happen they couldnt live in it rent it out or sell it for a decent price but it went to a builder for next to nothing.
They  had to take posession of the vehicles to sell them  and move them off the property to do so -  but with no-where to move them too parked them roadside  but then got caught with no tax or insurance on them  -  and we found the caravan on e-bay and bought it back for her on a friends account so they had no idea it was going back to her until they saw her with it .

We used to joke with her that he was wreaking revenge on her behalf from wherever he now is.

We met through our campervan meets  some which she had organised and were in a field near their house and sadly had already lost 3 members from those meets including my husband  and we had already started  planting a wildlife hedge in their memory so another tree went in and we all said our own words about what he meant too us and that has more meaning for her than the funeral ever did so maybe that is something you could think about in the future - o something that is about him and you and will have much more meaning for your daughter and friends too.

My whole point in writing this is that she couldnt think why the girls had reacted like this they had always got on well  she had never done anything to hurt the girls and had taken the youngest in at one point when her mums drinking got too much - but sometimes minds are poisened and people behave in cruel and irrational ways -She was in no way to blame for what they did and accepts that now - their mother was alive and they chose  her side -  but the overwhelming thing through all this was that through the worst times of their reactions my friend has always held on to the most important thing -whatever else has been lost  they cant ever take away her memorys and they cant ever take away  the love  they had shared and the love she still has for him and as mutual friends of both of them we are around to share those smiles and sometimes tears too.
The girls will miss out on that - they sold what they took so it had no meaning for them  and their dad would have been shocked and really upset  that they behaved that way his intention was only that they would get the house he wouldn't have imagined they would take everything like that   and sadly for them i dont see how that cant be a taint on their memorys of him because if they knew him at all they know that about him - and that is why she has left the door open so if  they can see later what is really precious in life  they can be part of that if they choose.