Author Topic: Distraction  (Read 327 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Nice2bNice

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: +0/-0
Distraction
« on: December 01, 2020, 03:28:51 PM »
I feel like I'm ready to talk however the waiting lists are so long, I don't know if the need or the want to get back to work is affecting my mood, the outbursts of momentary rage are of course not helping me achieve getting back to work.
Unfortunately I've been too focussed on this thought of returning to work and most likely setting myself up to fail as it were due to the unreachable goals I'm setting myself.
I've found some very good advice and I've found I'm able to relate to some of the experiences of others.
I've decided this week that I need to stop this and learn more about myself and my reactions, how I can release and nurture my grief if that makes any sense at all, when I am on this zone so to speak the words flow without much thought. Maybe then it better I type than talk, I don't know. All I know is I want to change things for the better.
It's only coming up 7 months since my partner passed while we chatted, some say traumatic loss, others say bereavement. All I know is I can deal with the medical reasons of her sudden death but I'm having so much trouble with my personal life and trying to adjust to life without her.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and hopefully understand what I wrote.
Kind regards. Gordon

Offline longedge

  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 419
  • Karma: +30/-2
  • Gender: Male
Re: Distraction
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2020, 12:01:35 AM »
Hey Gordon, if you are lucky enough to have a job & employers who are understanding then work is important. It adds structure and meaning to your life which is very important. The thing you have to be prepared for is the sudden drops into despair when grief overwhelms you again just as you think you are OK. Understanding relatives/friends/colleagues/bosses are so important. I say, do what feels right at the moment  :smiley:
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2106
  • Karma: +142/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2020, 10:27:07 AM »
some company's will consider a phased return to work - so you go in for fewer hours and do maybe the more simple/auto pilot type tasks gradually building up to doing the full job. It does depend on what your job is of course its not possible for everyone but it may be something you and they could consider.when my husband had his first stroke and was in hospital i used to go in at night after 10 when i got back from visiting and work through into the early hours  as my job isnt bound too office hours and is more task than hours based -   than when he came out and i was his carer i could drop him at a friends and work just the mornings. I went back too early  when he died to make up for that,  i had the option to go back later but felt i shouldn't  - in part because it didnt seem fair after they were so generous before and in part because i  hardly slept and i needed to do something to fill the ling days and nights and other than packing the house up to move and walking the dog i couldn't find anything .

But one thing i did do when i went back was find a run out space - one was a walk round the block, the other was behind a shed so if i started to feel overwhelmed i could go outside and be on my own have a cry or just breathe and calm down then go back in.
That became something i do to this day in social or travel situations as well as i am still not confident and back then had panic attacks which i havnt for a long time now  because i have created weapons against them  -If i go somewhere i look for my "safe space" as soon as i get there. I also took to taking a prop - a camera - and i would set myself a task to make a series of photos of very specific things  - at a steam fair i took radiator grills of vintage cars - waiting for a long train connection in Manchester i took gable ends of old buildings - doing something so concentrated meant my mind was occupied but also  in my mind i had felt the need to justify being somewhere on my own to other people - i know they werent really looking and wondering why i was somewhere at all, but i felt they were at the time and that worked for me.

Some-one here at the time said its a bit like slaying dragons - (Being part welsh and being a total softie for any kind of animals  i wouldnt slay dragons only metaphorical ones)
but they dont all have to be slain only the ones that you cant avoid and i did find ways to avoid them.

There was a discussion here about eating in a restaurant alone - some-one had done it and of course  we were all  pleased for her - and to me that became a thing i knew i could never do it - perhaps that meant there is something fundamentally wrong with me   - I still haven't done it  because i then  realized  what is a goal for some isnt for others and it isn't my goal - If  the goal is to travel somewhere there are plenty of sandwich and coffee take ways -  eating for me is just the fuel to travel with -  so my advice to anyone else trying to move forward is pick the dragons carefully and make sure they are yours - everyone has different ones and everyone can find props and ways to get round the ones that dont need slaying   
Over time when you feel you need to step out of the bubble a bit, but have lost confidence you will find your own path  but something we do find in common is  loss of confidence is -  yet another trick grief plays on many people. :hug:

Offline Nice2bNice

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2020, 12:28:37 AM »
Well a few days later has seen me suffer sleepless nights and my get up and go went away by itself. Wow what a turnaround from where I was to where I am now, again.
It's not the answer but a couple of Christmas movies and a bottle of Rum will set me up for a good sleep. I just feel that when I'd like to move on I have a surge of memories that remind me of what I used to have when I should be thankful of what we once had.
I was all set to get the Christmas tree and decorations down from the loft today, I found myself doing something else instead then I went out on my motorbike, getting back at 4:30 during dusk and with an evening schedule to keep have I succeeded in not facing reality or putting off facing it.
Just thought I'd pop this on here, it's good to talk albeit via text and keyboard but it's out there all the same.
Take care

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2106
  • Karma: +142/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2020, 05:32:56 PM »
making the move to even attempt to put up xmas decorations is a big move they are usually so filled with memorys - i pretty much sacked xmas off - couldnt bear to write cards with just my name so i didnt -  just sent some hand made new year ones to a few friends.My xmas tree was a conifer in the garden which i decorated with lots of goodies for the wildlife and started a new tradition doing that with grandkids with hot chocolate and sometimes the fire pit lit for marshmallows - i still got presents for grandkids and had lunch with the ones who live near enough but that was it and it took away all thats stress - like being a guest looking in on some-one elses celebration - then celibrate the new year by stealing a more pagan practice of letting in the light and by lighting a candle and burning it over midnight thats my way of saying to him i am taking you into the new year with me not leaving you behind in this one.It will be different this year  but that has been the way i managed xmas - but for others it has been important to keep the old traditions going and that has helped them so we are all different in how we cope with it. :hug: 

Offline Nice2bNice

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2020, 11:01:06 PM »
I admire your strength to adapt on a positive way Karena, I did buy a new albeit small Christmas decoration today, that's the first one on display so hoping it will break the ice so to speak and I will see how I feel about the tree etc and whether or not to display it this year.
However, I love the idea of lighting a candle overnight into the new year as well as the wildlife tree. I must say though, everyone's replies are rewarding to read, thank you 💕

Offline Nice2bNice

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2020, 11:53:59 PM »
The Christmas tree was put up around 1 week ago now along with a few other small standing decorations. I'm hopefully starting back work 11th Jan, phased return and I find it easier to talk a little more openly.
Thank you all for making this such a great forum where we can all find the courage to make the second step, the first being that we joined and introduced ourselves.
Kind regards. Gordon


Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2106
  • Karma: +142/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2020, 09:57:40 AM »
well done on the tree and approaching the return to work - non of this is easy so be kind to yourself congratualate yourself on every little step forward you  take and nurse yourself through the times when you might feel you have fallen down. :hug:

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1897
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Distraction
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2020, 07:49:39 AM »
 :hug:
Making great progress  :hearts: so glad the forum has been able to help, it certainly helped me
Sometimes I found it may feel you take a step forward then have to take a few steps back, but from my experience that's totally normal. Like Karena said, be kind to yourself if this happens atall. And remember to acknowledge each step forward, no matter how small
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx