Author Topic: Depressed :(  (Read 425 times)

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Offline Dennis

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Depressed :(
« on: October 22, 2020, 03:05:41 PM »
Hi All. At the time of typing this I feel very lonely, tearful and sad about the things I'm going to say. Sometime in 2012 my wife Jo was standing in between the kitchen and front room when she turned around and pushed her chest against the door frame and felt an ache. Upon feeling this she then felt a small lump on or around her breast which she felt needed an investigation. The night before she/we was due to go to the hospital she was very nervous of what the outcome would be and I tried to assure her it was nothing to worry about. The following day after the biopsy we was told the bad news which devastated both of us and that she had breast cancer and we both couldn't stop crying. Along came the surgery and unknown to both of us the lymph nodes were infected as well. The surgeon didn't have the authority to remove them but probably knew she would be back and she was. Lots of surgery plus radio therapy and chemo which took its toll on her poor thing and hopefully things would be fine. A couple of years ago she developed a cough which wouldn't go away and I insisted she went to the doctors who then referred her back to hospital. The cancer was back pressing up against one of her lungs. She was given this new drug that she had faith in but after a while it stopped working so different drugs and more radio therapy and chemo. This went on and on for her suffering. sometime in June 2020 she lost her appetite and didn't eat for a couple of days and one terrible night she was sick and I called the hospital at 2 o'clock in the morning for help. The hospital took her in on the Friday morning at 10.30am and a consultant examined her. He came away and took myself and my Daughter to one side and said she was weak and her liver had stopped working and she was going to die within a week. She was taken into palliative care where she was well looked after. The following day Saturday I visited her in the morning and again later in the evening. The poor woman so weak I washed her and creamed her hands and arms etc to make her feel nice. After a couple of hours I left to go home and get something to eat and go to bed ready for a Sunday morning visit. Jo text me Saturday evening saying she was feeling ok cause the nurse had given her morphine to which I replied close your eyes. I had a call Sunday morning from the consultant explaining that she was poorly so I immediately left the house. She was in a terrible state and needed a mask to breath. The doctor done his rounds and told me she was going to die very soon that day. I rang my kids and told them to hurry to the hospital. She died peacefully that Sunday afternoon. That was just over 3 months ago and I can't stop crying every day and feeling guilty at not staying with her all night Saturday. I don't know if I was being selfish or it just didn't sink in that she was really going to die because I'd lived with that feeling for 8 years. I still find myself  talking to her in the room to make myself feel not so sad and haven't even unpacked her cloths that she took to hospital on the Friday. Every day since she died I've been crying and I don't think I'll ever stop. I can't honestly see it getting easier. When I go to bed I hope I don't wake so that I can see her again. I also can't get the image of her out of my head in her wheelchair in her room in the hospital looking at me as I left on the Saturday evening. I wish I could die myself so as to put this pain I'm going through to rest. Not sure what the rest of my life has to offer as I used to look forward to weekends and now I look forward to dying. Sorry for the long winded letter. I just wanted to put you in the picture a little. She was my best mate and wife and as long as I knew she was in the background I was safe and happy. I wish I told her I loved her more often but I felt embarrassed. She died aged 55. Shame on me..................dennis

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Depressed :(
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2020, 02:05:14 AM »
Dear Dennis,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife and to hear what you are going through now. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug: What a horrible and stressful time you have both had over the years. I know what you mean about living with the threat of losing someone over an extended period. I found my way here after my mother died in 2017. She was very ill at times over the years due to a heart condition and other problems and several times she went into hospital and I didn't think she was likely to come home again, but she did, twice  at least. However, the last time, was too much for her and I lost her.

I was told she would not survive about four days before she died and I did stay with her every night for each of those days, but worn out and exhausted on her last day, I did come home for a little rest and she passed away a couple of hours after I left. I didn't make it back to the hospital in time. You did, so you can at least take some relief in that. You may not have stayed with her all night, but you were there for her in her final hours. You should not blame yourself.

I think we can all find something to blame ourselves for. There are always things we can think of, looking back, that we wish we had done differently, but it is a different thing to look back and wish you had done something differently to being in the moment. At the time, we do what we think is best and perhaps it was and maybe it just doesn't feel like that with hindsight. You say yourself that she texted you to say she was feeling ok. It was understandable that you wanted to rest and go back next day. No one can see into the future and predict what will happen in the next few hours. People can deteriorate rapidly when they are so ill. I have heard of things like this happening to people I know several times, so you are not alone in acting as you did, I assure you.

I am sorry but not surprised that you cry every day. I don't think that is unusual such a short time after losing someone. I was still crying daily for six months or more. It is not surprising. You have been through both a terrible trauma and a shock. When you lose someone so close, it rips the foundations out from under your feet and nothing is ever the same again. You can't recover from this quickly, but eventually, you realise that this is your new reality and you gradually learn to live with that.

It may not feel like things will ever be any better at the moment, but slowly they do improve. People describe grief as a rollercoaster because there are times when you feel terrible, but gradually, as you learn to accept what has happened, you do begin to have better days and eventually, begin to have longer spells of feeling a little better, even if you still have times when you feel terrible again.

It is still early days for you and it is impossible in those early days to see how anything will ever get better, but I have found that this is not something that happens on its own and it is something you have to work at. For me, it helped to have some flowers around to remind me that there are still good things in the world and to help lift my spirits a bit. I also found it helped to walk in the park and sit there to try to come to terms with all that had happened. It was a calming environment to do that in and it really does help just to get out of the house. Just take things one day at a time for now and try to take care of yourself and eat and drink enough. Remind yourself that this is what your lovely lady would want for you and do it for her. I found various things that helped me to cope. I made a photo album of my favorite pictures of her and some people, if they have a garden, plant and area of it with their lost loved ones' favorite plants and use that area to go and sit in to remember them when the weather permits.

Don't worry that you haven't unpacked the bag she took to the hospital with her. This is not unusual either. I have only just started sorting out my mother's clothes three years after losing her. You will do these things when you are ready and if you are not ready even several months or years later, that's ok. There are no rules when it comes to grief and it is different for everyone. For some, it takes much longer to begin to recover than for others and that is ok too. Just try to be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. I am sure your lady would not want you to be feeling like you are, so try to remind yourself that it is up to you now to care for yourself as she would have  tried to do for you when she was here, so that is something you can do to honour her memory.

If it helps, write her a letter or write in a journal, all the things you feel about those final times and how you feel now and say all the things you wish you had said at the time. It really does help to write these things down and does somehow help relieve the burden that those feeling put on you when you don't express them somehow. You don't need to show it to anyone, or keep it if you don't want to. It's up to you. You could just put together a memory box of items that have some particular sentimental value to you in connection with her and put it with those, but I think you would find it would help.

Whatever you decide to do, you are not alone here. Everyone here has lost someone and knows what you are going through, because we have all been through similar feelings ourselves. Hard as it is to see now, there will eventually be light at the end of the tunnel. There may always be weeks or days that are harder, because you will always go on loving and missing your wife. That's just part of loving her. But there will eventually be better days and weeks too. You learn to live with loss and you carry the memory of your lost loved one forward with you for the rest of your life and never stop loving them and that is as it should be. She was a huge part of your life, so that is inevitable, but over time, the memory of the horror of those last days will fade and you will begin to recall the happy times you had together more easily. Those are your treasure and will help you move into your future supported by the good days you had together. Talk to us here as much as you want. No apologies are necessary. We will help as best we can for as long as you need us.

Sending strength and wishing you well.  :hug:

Offline Dennis

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Re: Depressed :(
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2020, 07:11:36 PM »
Thank you @Sandra61 for the very kind words and I'm very sorry to hear about your Mother. My wife Jo loved flowers especially lilies so I make sure the front room and bathroom has a fresh bunch every week just in case she's lurking. Funnily enough there is a park directly on the back of my garden so I do find time to have a walk round there on my own a couple of times a day hoping no one wants to talk to me. A month before she died we had a visit to a garden centre and bought a rose and another flower which she'd seen on the cover of a magazine which I planted into a terracotta pot. When its a nice morning its nice to sit by the pot watching the sun come over the roofs of the adjacent houses. I still dread being on my own in the house and get sad and emotional knowing I'm going to be on my own and still can't get my head around the fact she isn't here. I hate that feeling and it does bring tears to my eyes.

Offline SarahB

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Re: Depressed :(
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2020, 03:51:15 PM »


Hi Dennis

Well done for reaching out. I'm very much alone too and can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I've lost both my parents and my friends seem to have forgotten me. If you'd like to talk please drop me a pm.

Sarah x

Offline Dennis

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Re: Depressed :(
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2020, 09:34:51 AM »


Hi Dennis

Well done for reaching out. I'm very much alone too and can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I've lost both my parents and my friends seem to have forgotten me. If you'd like to talk please drop me a pm.

Sarah x

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