Author Topic: Going Backwards  (Read 512 times)

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Offline MightyB

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Going Backwards
« on: October 05, 2020, 09:31:06 PM »
Hi everyone,

Iím very much new into this forum. 9 months on from my mum passing away pretty suddenly. Hellish time as all of you will relate to. Broadly tho things seemed to be getting better / going in the right direction over the piece - until last month. Iíve always been a pretty positive person but lately some sort of general melancholy or hopelessness seems to have settled over me. Itís not raw grief and itís not raging anger either. Rather itís like a gnawing sadness, a deeper kind of grief maybe. Also feel crazy anxious socially which not been something Iíve experienced - certainly for many years.
Does this resonate with anyone here??... pretty scary stuff and a bit bewildering too... fun and games this grieving lark eh!!

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2020, 12:58:12 AM »
Hello, sending you a hug  :hug:

Yes, it does resonate. I am three years on from losing my mum and I still have weeks like that. I think it's partly that you have accepted that this is never going to change and just really miss your mum. Everything is different and trying to get used to that is depressing. Even more so in these difficult times.

I found i was making progress building a new life in this new normal for myself after losing my mum, but now, due to Covid, that has all ground to a halt and there is just work and home and shopping and worry. Nothing to distract or enjoy or help me feel like I'm moving forward much anymore. I think the sense of loss just bears down on you all the more when you are stuck in this pandemic nightmare and just sharpens the sense of loss and isolation all the more.

So, not sure if that is what you were getting at, but your experience certainly chimes a chord with me. Not sure if this helps. I don't think I began to feel much in control of things following my mum passing until about eighteen months after losing her and even now am still finding it hard at times. I doubt now that it will ever be much easier. Life rolls along but as you say, there is a gnawing sadness at the back of my mind all the time, and sometimes at the front of it too.

It does begin to become a usual feeling, but it's always there. Not sure if this is phase that will improve further or if this is it for me now. Time will tell I suppose, but no, you are not alone in feeling like this. 

Best wishes,  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2020, 12:55:14 PM »
 :hug:It certainly isnt unusual to feel this way so rest assured you are far from alone with it. Depression is a difficult one it goes with grief but can also be something you have anyway that worsens because of grief for example i have always had seasonal depression but it got much worse after my husband died - was it grief or was it going to get worse anyway isn't something i can answer. Anxiety absolutely makes sense your mum especially is the foundations of your life - no matter what life throws at you for most of us our mum is going to be there and even when you dont agree on something a voice that you do listen too and consult, and that foundation has fallen away under your feet  - there may be others but that one is the first one that was laid and everything is built around it.
Its a long time since my mum died but later when my husband also died it was made even more difficult by my mum not being around i think. Anxiety even panic attacks became something i had to deal with - it was a matter of getting coping strategys together for me so i could manage it  antidepressants etc made me physically ill others have found they helped it is different for everyone as is grief itself.My coping strategy's have helped me get over or around hurdles and stave off panic attacks before they happen putting them together has taken a while but mostly it centers around pre- planning - how much do i want to go there or do i have to - how can i get there and avoid x y or z situation when i know it is something which is going to create more anxiety - what props can i use to distract from that situation if i cant go round it.We all have different situations and different props that work for us -but you can always come back and ask for more ideas here.

I also think with our mum especially if we listen we can still hear that voice in our hearts and souls we know them too, they were the first voice we heard and we know what they would have advised how they would have reacted what they would have said and of course we miss them but even without her physical presence i still ask my mum things and listen to what i know she would have said.

As Sandra says these are really difficult times and its so hard to find some of the things we would otherwise have relied on to help move forward.I am also now finding it very difficult - work from home was great at first but cabin fever i have discovered is real - but  we can spend some of that time making and perfecting plans for the time  in the future when we can start to move again - you could make new ball gown perhaps Sandra or practice a new dance in front of the mirror ready for when you can do it for real.

Mighty B - i dont know what kind of things appeal to you or what your mum liked - but  i  was just thinking i have a giant planter tub which i planted up because my husband loved daffodils and although i planted the native ones around our favourite places i wanted something right outside the door so every morning it would remind me that spring is just round the corner - after the first year i took the bulbs out and re- used them again but this time in what is called a bulb lasagne so from the first snow drops right through to the late tulips there is always something flowering and there is a xmas rose over winter too - its just that for me  to continue to do things as a tribute for him helped me keep him close but also helped me set some goals for myself  - and now is bulb planting time so if you have a space and maybe if your mum liked flowers doing something positive to look forward too seeing the results of in spring might help you.       

Offline MightyB

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2020, 09:29:41 PM »
Really do appreciate the replies from both the folks on here. Think probably the first time Iíve ever used let alone posted on a forum! I guess there is definitely a level of comfort just in knowing other people find these things tough too, so thanks. Wishing you both all the very best

Offline SarahB

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2020, 04:50:37 PM »

Hi- what date did you lose your Mum? It must have been quite close to mine as I've just passed 10 months.

Reading your post gave me comfort that I'm not alone. I've actually just had a good cry as I guess I needed to talk more today than I realised. I'm really dreading Christmas without her being around and have made a new post about that - would love to hear your thoughts/feelings on it.

I have moments too where I feel I'm doing ok then suddenly BAM the pain descends and it won't stop. And to be honest I am sick and tired of being the only person in my circle of friends who knows what this is like. It's very clear to me that people I thought understood and would be there for me, haven't the first idea what this is like.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2020, 10:08:55 PM »
I found i lost alot of confidence after losing my dad, withdrew and at some points felt like I'd lost myself.  Its a rollercoaster but from my experience it does get easier  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Dennis

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2020, 05:38:18 PM »

It's very clear to me that people I thought understood and would be there for me, haven't the first idea what this is like.
IMO Only the person who's lost someone will feel the pain.

Offline MightyB

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2020, 09:54:25 AM »
Hi Sarah B - my mum passed on 15th Dec. She had a pretty major stroke on 4th Dec but was conscious and i could talk to her (although she was a wee bit muddled!) Looked to be improving every day, doctors 'astonished' at her progress and how 'unscathed' she was. My sister and i planning out how we would manage looking after her, logisitcs etc (i'm from Glasgow but now live in London) On the 10th however she had another catastrophic stroke, and this time there was no way back and as folks on here will know, everything changes.
i think i know what you mean about friends not being able / equipped to empathise properly or know what it's like. I'm lucky in that i've got a great, supportive wife and young kids who make me laugh & provide great distraction - but even they don't or can't truly know what it's like and even with that closeness, it can def still sometimes feel a bit isolating.
Equally, as Dennis said,  i sometimes feel like actually there's this real singularity, a real sense that this is my 'thing' to face, to process or to make peace with - but i agree that having people showing you that they care is undoubtedly a comfort in helping you to do that.

I found i lost alot of confidence after losing my dad, withdrew and at some points felt like I'd lost myself.  Its a rollercoaster but from my experience it does get easier  :hug:
Thanks for that - i can definetly relate - look forward to this mythical 'getting easier' thing you mention ;)

Again, appreciate people taking the time to reply on this and hope everyone is sometimes managing to remember the good times too

Offline SarahB

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Re: Going Backwards
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2020, 03:58:26 PM »

Hi Mighty B, my Mum passed on 7 December and it's the last thing in the world I was expecting. She was my other half in so many ways.

I'm feeling like how you describe in your first post - a raw sadness seems to have come over me that I can't shake. I've literally felt like this for days now. It's making me feel sick as well. I don't feel anyone cares about me at all. So I get it.