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Offline Rosiew42

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First post
« on: August 16, 2020, 12:34:58 PM »
Hello,
I am new to the forum.  I lost my husband in January this year just short of 2 weeks after a diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukaemia and I lost my Dad 4 weeks later to double pneumonia/dementia.  After my Dad’s funeral, the country went into lockdown.  It has been the most awful year.  I haven’t been able to process what has happened.  I just think of my husband as having gone away for a while, to accept that I will not see him again is too painful.  I feel like I’m being suffocated or have been punched in the stomach and can’t breathe.  I function, I exist, I do what I have to just to get through each day but I find little joy and very little point to things. I don’t like my life.  My husband and Dad were both strong, protective and caring people and have left the biggest voids. I feel so lonely.  The only person I want to talk to is my husband and he’s not here.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: First post
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2020, 04:43:22 PM »
Hello Rosie,

So sorry to hear of your double loss. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug: You describe very well what such shock feels like. Your reactions are very typical to someone who has just lost loved ones. Life does feel as if it has no purpose anymore and you are just going through the motions after one loss, never mind two, so in fact, to be managing to get through the days, even on auto-pilot, is an achievement. I think losing anyone you have shared your home with does leave you feeling particularly lonely, because they leave such a void behind them and the house feels so empty without them.

I found it helped me to go out for walks in the park. Just to get out of the house is helpful and at the park, you are surrounded by nature and that lifts the spirits a little. I found it a good place to sit and process all that had happened and to try to gradually come to terms with it. It is a calming environment and lots of the benches have inscriptions on them to loved ones others have lost and it helped me to know that those people were still loved and not forgotten by those left behind. it also means that there are so many of us in the same position and who will understand what you are going through and you will find many of those people here and on the Facebook page. I also kept flowers around the house, because they reminded me that there are still good things in the world and their scent and beauty helped me.

It is a long road to find your way forward from such terrible blows, but find it you do, as time passes. You can still talk to your husband even though he is not physically present anymore. I still talk to the pictures of those people I have lost and can hear what they would have said if they were still here in my mind. So you never really lose them. They were a big part of your life and you carry them forward with you in your heart and in your memories, so they are a part of you now, so can never truly be gone from you. You never stop loving them nor they you. It takes a long time, but grief does slowly become acceptance and slowly you learn to live with what has happened. I don't think you can ever leave behind those you have loved, but instead you carry them forward with you and rebuild your life with that loss a part of it. It does get better and it helps if you can find things to help you with that. I joined a class to give me something to look forward to and to get me out of the house once a week and I made new friends there and that was a big help to me. That is harder in the present circumstances, but you are at least, not alone here. Everyone here has lost someone and will have advice to offer to help you through.

One day at a time, Rosie and try to find little things that help. Talk to us as much as you like. We are here for as long as you need us.  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: First post
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2020, 09:47:03 AM »
Hi Rosie.Also sending you a warm welcome - i found this site after losing my husband too a second stroke - what you are feeling now resonates very much with me - you survive but its difficult to see any point in doing so sometimes - i also pretended to myself that he had gone to work abroad and would we back - of course i knew differently but anything that gets you through the worst moments is ok to do i think.
I had to move house so when i had the first project was to recreate a smaller version of our garden i had brought some plants with me but i wanted to make a pond - i think in my head i was thinking creating it again meant he would know where i was. Digging the pond there was a moment when i found my self looking up at the sky and grinning  - because i remembered so clearly the look on his face when he came out and saw with the original i didnt mean a puddle and i was in a hole looking like stig of the dump - and that's when things started to turn a little bit better i was still able to share that memory with him just in a different way - another time i was digging and thoughts off in my own world of misery when i suddenly became aware of this robin singing so loudly it couldn't be ignored and of the sun on my back - they were fleeting moments but they were the ones i kept hold of to see me through the much darker days.

Its a roller coaster journey and its early days for you and that's when the climbs and drops are steepest - you cant make it stop and you cant get off but over time it will slowly start to even out a bit -and along the way you can pick up some tools to help you get there and hanging on to better moments like that are some of those tools.

 Sandra is right nature is a wonderful healer and you are never quite as alone when you are in it - unlike with humans there is no expectation of how you should behave or feel  - you can cry or shout or talk to lost loved ones without the social boundary people place on you.Nature also reminds us that there is a circle of life.If you look at a tree that drops it leaves we think of the leaves as lost but they are not gone their energy remains  they shelter other life over winter and feed the tree and new leaves come back  - in the same way our loved ones continue to nourish and shelter us in our hearts and memory's and we can take them forward with us.

Finding this site was another of those tools - somewhere to write because sometimes just the act of writing helps us clarify our own thoughts when there is no one you can say them too  and somewhere that others on the same journey can support each other. :hug:

Offline Rosiew42

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Re: First post
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2020, 03:34:15 PM »
Thankyou both for your replies and wise words.  I am a nature, animal and garden lover and my dog gets me out every day.  I have a maple tree dedicated to my husband at the cemetery and i visit as often as I can.  It is a place of peace and Tranquility and somewhere I can sit and think without any interference or judgement.  I can’t see many positives to life right now, it is too empty and too lonely. 

Offline Kg47

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Re: First post
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2020, 05:23:02 PM »
Hi Rosie,
Warm hugs from me too. I lost my wonderful husband just 4 weeks ago & I feel desperately lonely, heartbroken & simply can’t imagine my life without him by my side. We did everything together from watching our favourite tv quizzes, to just walking to the postbox. Everyone said we were like two halves of the same person & I physically feel my hearts broken.
I know exactly how you feel going the motions & imagining he’s away for a few days, although that’s hard as we only spent 13 days apart in 39 years.
I can’t see any positives either & if it weren’t for my sons ( who don’t live near me) I wouldn’t carry on but they were devastated at losing their Dad & I couldn’t do that to them.
Message anytime xx

Offline Rosiew42

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Re: First post
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2020, 07:22:35 AM »
Thank you and I’m so sorry to hear of your loss  :hearts: We too did most things together and it leaves such a large void. I don’t have any children although my husband had 2 daughters from his 1st marriage who are brilliant.  Coming home after work is the most difficult part of the day for me as we always sat down together with a pot of coffee and talked through our day. I miss that. The evenings are very lonely,  Look after yourself, thinking of you. Xx