Author Topic: NO CURE  (Read 3166 times)

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Offline Jill

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NO CURE
« on: July 24, 2020, 09:04:03 PM »
     :cry:  If only there was a cure for this.  There are tablets for this and tablets for that.   Can someone give me a tablet to take away this pain in my heart.  This was a good day, I got through right until nighttime without crying, that's a really good day.  Telling everyone what a lovely day I had and what a lovely walk.  This has been the worst year of my life, I just hope it gets better, please make it get better.  Someone help me get through this please.  All the things they can cure in the world but this is like a battle you can never win.  I miss my husband so much, it's like half of me is missing.   :cry:

Offline Karena

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2020, 10:54:31 AM »
 :hug: the thing is there isnt a cure and really do we want to be cured - sure we do  of the heartache and the loneliness of loss, and there are pills that can numb us help us get through day to day and some people find they help but whatever we use to medicate once we stop using it the pain is still there to be dealt with, and i think over time we go from everything being about the pain of what we have lost to remembering much more the joy of what we once had  someone who has loved us so much and given there living years to do that would not want to be remembered just for the pain of those last days of that life - and that's the focus we have to change too, but it is far from easy and its very gradual and sometimes years later something can sideswipe you and knock you off again but by then you know you can get back on track because you have already done it so many times before..

People expect for some reason a year is some kind of cut off date for our grief - in part because of a traditional idea completely devolved from reality.  - the official year of mourning which in reality was nothing more than a Victorian concept designed around convenience - a year was consider respectable but also as a young widow that was the time at which you might become available for re-marriage - and of course (especially if you had inherited a large estate)  that was the expectation women were not considered able to live independently of a man - and you could either re marry or be an asset (estate)  or a burden  to your nearest male relative.The problem is because society has this unreal idea then we also expect it of ourselves  - we have done all the first anniversary's  and got through them - and if we dont "get better"  then there is something wrong with us - its nonesens but we tell ourselves a lot of nonsense about what we perceive as our failings and put even more pressure on ourselves.

Often a good day is followed by a bad evening - sometimes this is guilt - you end up thinking how can you have a good day and some enjoyment out of life -even  that it was disloyal to do it.
Others is just because you come back to the empty house they are not here to share to tell them about that good day and then settle down with a glass of wine or tv or whatever you enjoyed doing together in the evenings - so you walk through the door and it whacks you in the face that nothing has changed from when you left the house this morning they are still absent - i used to get that a lot - i could go away camping with friends and have a great time then come home and get really down again for a couple of days - its like the post holiday thing people get but on speed.
Also for me friday nights - everyone ready to leave work on the dot, get home be with their family  start the weekend - "what are your plans for the weekend" ? - most of the time there wernt any so i was never part of that conversation either  - i went from being among the first  to leave  to having some-one shouting up the stairs to hurry up so they could lock up - then i would  walk slowly - every shop window along the way was suddenly amazingly interesting because i knew when i got through the door i might not speak to another person until monday  There was always the dog and he helped - having that commitment to another living creature helped it wasnt fair of me to be too much later while he was waiting to go out. After he died as well I started making friday night treat night - nothing major just something simple - bath with candles and oils, chocolates a film anything to make going home something to dread a little bit less - you can find strategys different ones work for different people and doing that is part of this path we dont want to be on but cant get off that smoothes the way a little bit and for you that made more difficult by being in a kind of limbo over moving back as well.

It is a battle and along the way there are a lot of dragons to slay - some of them though can be avoided - you can go round them and make the battle more strategic than bloody - a bit less of a conflict - finding the strategys to do that is a long process but you will find them and come to a place where you have learned to live more happily  with the half of you that is left.   :hug:

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2020, 12:01:30 PM »
Oh Karena, thank you so much for giving a damn.  Sometimes that's all I need!  You are spot on about me being in limbo.  The date has not been confirmed and probably won't be until much later so you're left wondering if it's going to happen or not. I can't go back and I can't go forward, only in as much as preparing for something that I hope is going to happen.  Not hearing a thing from anyone about the sale but I suspect and hope that is normal.   You are also right, though I didn't consciously realise it, about coming back to the empty home again.  One thing that has definitely improved is that I really do enjoy seeing people enjoying themselves.  At one time, it just made me feel sad, I hope you understand what I am talking about.  Grief leaves you with very strange feelings towards other people.  Sometimes you just resent them for being a happy couple!!  I think I am over that stage, so that's something positive.  Quoting someone on here - you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go round it, you just have to go through it.  Sometimes I just need to talk to someone who understands, as you do.  Thank you for helping by listening.  Jill 

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2020, 08:01:42 AM »
Hello Jill,I have just read your post and feel your pain so much, I have not long joined this website,and the emptiness that I feel seems to be all consuming,just to have an hour a day to feel normal is an achievement,I agree that this is not a battle you can win and I so wish it would get easier in time,but it doesn't for me at the moment. I hope that today is a better day for both if us,and if you need to talk to me then please do....hugs X 

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2020, 12:41:36 PM »
Hello Midnight Caller and thank you for your kind reply.  I genuinely appreciate your support.  I am sorry you have lost your best friend and soulmate also.  There are two songs that I relate to my husband ' Nothing Compares To You' and 'You're simply the best'.  I very rarely talk to other people here because I am scared of saying the wrong thing and also I am still really struggling myself, even though it will be a year tomorrow that I lost my wonderful husband.  You may have noticed, or perhaps not, that I ask for help a lot to deal with it and thank goodness for Bereavement UK, they have really, really helped.  So just remember that - they will do the same for you if you let them.  I know you were together a long time so I really sympathise with you.  Thank you again.  Jill

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2020, 12:54:20 PM »
Midnight Caller.  I would also like to say that I would always love to hear from you and do feel you can talk to me because I do understand how tough it is, the toughest thing I have ever dealt with that's for sure.  Jill

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2020, 02:35:38 PM »
Hi Jill, yes it's tough for sure and I always did and could cope with anything life could throw me..Andy always said I was so strong,I do smile when I think of that. Love your choices of songs that remind you of your husband. I hope you really are having a better day today.
I will talk again hopefully tomorrow, so much I would like to say.
Take care

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2020, 03:57:38 PM »
Hi Midnight Caller.  Well I must admit I have never thought of myself as tough at all.  That's why I liked having a big strong man looking after me, sorry if that's not politically correct but it's true!!  Feeling bit better today though and just getting along with things, as you do.Glad you like my choice of songs, that's nice.  I will be lighting a candle tomorrow evening, just find that comforting somehow, as if it connects us.  I hope you are having a reasonable day also. Take care. Jill

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2020, 10:15:22 AM »
Hello Jill, Good Morning, will say I was thinking about you yesterday on your special and reflective day,and hope you found peace and smiles through your tears.
I didn't respond to your message for that reason,and yes loved the politically correct term of having a big strong man looking after you, agree totally, it was only in the last few months that Andy said I was "strong" in that I mean mentally, both our mums have dementia-end stage - so he felt I was 'strong' in dealing with them and this cruel illness as well as his own health problems. I have no regrets for my lost life,but truly would love to go back in time....just for a moment...
Take care X

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2020, 12:30:20 PM »
Hello Midnight Caller, I even understand that name, the number of sleepless nights you have when you lose the one you love.  Sometimes I would just be wandering around the house in the middle of the night, I expect you know what I mean.  I went out yesterday morning on purpose, to try not to dwell on things too much, didn't really enjoy it much though.  Then later on it all came flooding back as if it was yesterday, it was horrible.  I was in touch with my family and his family though and that helped very much. 

I am sorry to hear that both of your Mums have dementia, it must be very difficult for you and them to cope with.  And I am sorry for the pain you have to deal with because of your loss.  To be honest, I had absolutely no idea what this was like until it happened to me.  Now I understand better, unfortunately, learned the hard way.  Hope you have some people around you who understand.  Thanks for your message.  Be kind to yourself now.  Jill

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2020, 10:08:41 AM »
Good morning Jill, hoping you are having a better day,as neither of us has not been on here for a few days x

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2020, 12:45:51 PM »
Hello Midnight Caller.  I hope you are managing to cope with it all.  I walked around a beautiful rose garden recently and asked my husband which one he liked the best and I believe it was called Magie Noire (Black Magic?)  . It was a beautiful deep red rose with maybe a touch of black.  But it was certainly beautiful.  I was very surprised that I managed to walk around this beautiful rose garden without sobbing.  Instead I was just trying to look at the roses through his eyes.  So it does get easier in time, although I found that very difficult to believe at one time. Good to hear from you.  Wish I could make it easier for you.  Best wishes Jill

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2020, 02:38:52 PM »
Thank you Jill..what a wonderful experience,looking at the rose garden through your husbands eyes...truly magical...and hope very much it made you feel peace if only for a short time, I really hope..and yes I am using that word a lot now,that you are having a better or should I say more normal day. Today is another "first" for me,Andy's mobility car is being picked up...but because of lockdown etc it has taken a long time (for them) to do this,I know that I always looked forward to coming home to see "our" car outside our home,just watching the clock now waiting for them to come,clearing the car out just broke me,and when it's yet another removal of "him" it hurts so much.
Take care Jill

Offline Jill

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2020, 04:52:01 PM »
Hello Midnight Caller.  I know that you have had a very terrible experience and I really sympathise with you.  I feel so sorry for what you have been through.  At this stage, all you can do is take one day at a time and get through it.  Some days will be better than others.  It was wonderful when some friends of mine made me laugh.  I felt as if I would never laugh again.  Some people know the right thing to say and do, for example, my husband was scottish and someone gave me a little bunch of flowers with a thistle in them.  It meant so much to me, that small gesture.  Also when people repeat some of his jokes, it is nice to think people are remembering as well.  I do hope you have some friends or relatives like this who can help you and understand.  I hope it all goes okay today.  Jill

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: NO CURE
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2020, 12:42:51 PM »
Hello Jill, so much appreciate your replying...and hope you are OK...hoping today is a better day...oh no the car pickup didn't happen,long story but it's seems now next week....X