Author Topic: Grief Stricken  (Read 1428 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline kam67

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Grief Stricken
« on: February 10, 2020, 12:17:54 AM »

Last Monday my only and younger brother was cleaning his
Infinity pool at his cliff side house in Cape Town and slipped. He fell 6 metres and hit his head. I received a call later that day in which a friend delivered the terrible news with words which still haunt me: “I’m very sorry but Omar has passed away” -  so inadequate and anodyne they seemed but also possessing a dreadful finality.

The agony is almost constant and visceral. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably and at times whimpering like a wounded animal. I’m in so much pain, that words can at best only hint at it ... This has broken me. every moment feels like an eternity; the simplest tasks feel like a mountain to climb. I was already on my knees - this has floored me.

He was only 50, 3 years younger than me. For years like myself he struggled with alcoholism and other addictions (and the underlying emotional trauma) - and like me, he could not conquer his demons.  But in some ways he was the stronger, more positive and life affirming one. He was as much a father (my biological father utterly inadequate -  had long abandoned us) as a brother - always pulling me out of my frequent bouts of melancholia.

Initially - and still at times now - I felt  like I'm in the depths of Hell , with no end in sight. Except perhaps Death itself when it comes for me. I imagine my brother falling to his death like a tape in an endless loop. I can't forgive myself for not being there to catch him. I never realise how much I loved him.

What has sustained me is the unyielding and tireless love of partner of 20 years Susan.

But then I learnt from his girlfriend Imogen that he saw it as one of his life’s ‘missions’ to help me recover.  It was then that it began to dawn on me that the only good that can come from this terrible loss is for me to honour his memory (and my partner’s love) is to turn this terrible tragedy as a catalyst  to clean up my act and begin to heal... A sort of spiritual alchemy. (This is an excerpt about how Eric Clapton responded to the death of his beautiful 4 year old boy: When the tragedy occurred, Clapton was reportedly just three years sober after battling drug and alcohol abuse for over a decade. And while his son’s death could have easily made Clapton resort to his old vices to numb his grief, Norman said he was determined to stay sober.
“He was trying to beat the alcoholism when his son was just a baby,” said Norman. “He was fighting against it. But it was really the death of Conor that made him determined that he would never drink again.”)

I know my only hope to find some  peace is to challenge my habitual almost nihilistic skepticism and cynicism (long used to justify my various self destructive addictive behaviours) is to find that spiritual connection, and start trusting his spirit lives on. But then the realisation that even if his soul has survived physical death,I will never again be able to see him and hold him again in this lifetime floods me and I find myself drowning in grief.

Offline Sandra61

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 579
  • Karma: +62/-0
Re: Grief Stricken
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2020, 11:08:47 AM »
So sorry to hear about your brother, Kam67. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug: The feelings your describe so eloquently are common to all those who experience loss. It is the hardest thing any of us ever has to go through and although there is no right or wrong way to journey through it, it is heartening that, so early in your journey, you have already recognised that you need and intend to honour your brother's memory by turning it into a catalyst for change in yourself. I have to say this shows a great strength and depth of love within you that you are able to see and commit to that at such an early stage in your grief journey. So many people take a long time to see that they owe it to their lost loved one to try to do that and some never manage to grasp it at all. I wish you luck and success. I think this is the best thing you can do for your brother now and that he will be watching and willing you to succeed. Clearly, he did his best to help you make your life and the way you feel better whilst he was here, so now you will have to do that for both of you and make it the best it can be, so that when you meet again, you have lots of good things to tell him about. Wishing you strength and sending you an understanding hug.  :hearts: :hug:

Offline kam67

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Grief Stricken
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2020, 11:10:56 AM »
Thank you so much for empathic and compassionate response, Sandra61

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Grief Stricken
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2020, 02:54:16 PM »
 :hug:That must have come as such a terrible shock and grief even when it is expected some-one will die is one of life most major hurdles and lasts much longer than many people think -it is very early days for you so it will be the most constant and acute pain imaginable. Like Sandra said though your love for your brother and his for you in helping you cope with the things life has thrown at you isn not something that will die because whatever our beliefs about an afterlife are our loved ones live on in our hearts and minds - and i know that isnt the same as having them here besides us  but it remsins a comfort in the months and years ahead.
I came here after losing my husband and i was in a vey bad place with other things that had happened just prior too that and imagined that long awaited for afterlife - what it would be like to be together again but it also made me think how short that conversation would be - because we always talked about not just the things we shared together places we loved to go and things we did . but things we wanted to do both together and separately - things he would have enjoyed and i would have watched -but what if i didnt do any of those things - but allowed myself to be swallowed up by pain and grief and just did nothing - what would we talk about then. Would he be angry with me after he faught for his life if i just threw mine away - would that potential meeting in another life be tarnished by that and well yes of course it would -
So very much as you have done  i decided i would live my life for him and be his eyes on the world and beome his legacy through my life - and thats what i have tried to do ever since.
It isnt easy -there are so many hurdles in the way - for me social anxiety was one of those -but over time i learned that each step no matter how small,  is important even if i went backwards after it because once you have taken a step you know can take another one - i learned  also that sometimes there are props you can use - for me a camera and a mission to take a series of photos on a very defined topic - so i had a legitimacy in being somewehere - if anyone was looking which of course they wernt except in my head - and i learned there are dragons you dont need to slay you can just go round them.
Visiting South Africa has been a big part of the new adventures the things we didnt get around too  - despite all its problems there is something about it which has rooted itself in me i can get too an airport and on a plane and fly over there and snorkle and surf and see the wildlife - even zip wire a gorge - but i cant walk into a cafe in England and eat alone - but that doesnt matter - i dont need too i dont want too, its some-one elses challenge so i dont need to slay that dragon.

but doing these things and finding myself over time has lead to a feeling that maybe i am not doing these alone - i hated the zip wire it would have been one of those things i definitely sat out on -but on the last leg there was a rainbow in the waterfall right in fron to fme - and it took me back to an early conversation when i saw a picture of one on a travel brochure and said i had always wanted to see that - and he promised me he would make sure i di - yes it wasnt from that angle and yes he wasnt with me the way he should have been but now i wonder if maybe that conversation wont be all about me telling him what i have done but him knowing it because he was by my side in some way i just cant see him - and over here going back to the place we spent our holidays that we were going to retire too and count dolphins is the closest place i feel too him - yet the place i put off going too for the longest time, because that dream would never happen now - and it still wont retiring isnt an option -  but i go and i count dolphins and sometimes in a quiet moment on the harbour wall i feel him stand behind me like he used to do.
So make your life his legacy too -  no matter how simple that first step is - mine was planting wildflowers in a favourite place whatever yours is once you take it you will keep taking more and sometimes you will fall down but you will get back up.  :hug:

Offline kam67

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Grief Stricken
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2020, 06:19:12 PM »
Thank you for sharing your experience of how you managed to cope after the death of your husband, Karena. I’m very much at the beginning of the process you describe. Today I learnt the details of his accident and was consumed by grief but also anger how reckless and impatient he was. Rather than wait 10 minutes for the pool maintenance to fetch their tools, he decided to do the job himself - climbing to the edge of the pool which was a 6 metres above a hard surface, slipped and fell headfirst to his death. I keep imagining his last moments.... it’s nightmarish.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Grief Stricken
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2020, 10:02:56 AM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: of course it must be a nightmare to even think about it - its a bit like having flashbacks even though you were not there - but in time we kind of learn to focus on their life rather than the end of it, no matter how that happens - i used to imagine holding a pack of cards and projecting happy memorys onto them like a picture  - every time the horrible card of that last image comes into your mind imagine yourself throwing it down and replacing it with the good one, The more good cards in the pack the easier it becomes so the awful one doesnt keep coming back to the top so often and to get those good cards you focus on the best parts rather than the worst. it does still come back from time to time even now but i have got quite good at throwing it down.

Offline kam67

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Grief Stricken
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2020, 10:34:44 AM »
Thanks again for your kindness and shared experience.