Hanging on, I think

[jcass]

Hi
It will be 22 months on Wednesday since I lost my husband, its just not getting any easier, tonight I've cried so much and so hard I now have a headache. When does it stop, I wish I knew what to do, how to behave, how to go on. I feel so lost and bewildered, how can this have happened, it just cant be real.Please someone tell me its not real.
Every night I ask him to come get me and every morning I wake angry that I'm still here. Every night I ask him to tell me what I'm supposed to do. People think I'm doing ok because I go to work, I look after my grandchildren I've got my house and my car, I even go on holiday, but I'm not.
Tonight I've felt like smashing everything in this house, windows included, tearing up every picture I have of him, its just to unbearable to look at him, the physical pain is draining me, I keep telling myself it will pass.
Should I be over this now, making a new life, am I just wallowing in my own self pity, do I cry for him, me or both of us, am I depressed, should I go to the doctor, really I don't know which way is up anymore.
We planned a holiday before he became ill and it had to be cancelled, last week I went to the same place (different hotel) we had booked to go. I done the things he would have liked to do, it was a good time. Since I've come back everything is just pointless, life is pointless it has no reason anymore.
A person at work asked did I have a good time I said yes but I wont be going away again, they asked why not, I said it hurts to much to come back to nothing and no one, the reply was I don't understand what you mean you should be passed that by now. I'd love to just shut the door on the world forever.

[Jill]

Hello jcass,  I just want to say how sorry I am that you are suffering so much.  I understand totally everything you are saying.  I lost my wonderful husband 3 months ago and the pain is unbearable.  I keep thinking of my past with him and thinking if only I had that time again.  All I am saying is that unfortunately I know how you feel.  I live completely alone now and don't see a soul for days on end.  What I have found is when people have been kind enough to come and stay with me (in France) it's lovely while they are here but when they go it all seems much worse in the days or weeks afterwards.  So I think maybe when you went on that holiday it was the same effect, that big let down afterwards when you have to get used to being alone again.  When you lose the love of your life, your best friend, you don't just get over it.  If you have lost someone very very close yourself you understand that.  Do you know that song Freddy Mercury sings, 'Show Must Go On'?  Because for me that says it all, how everyone around you thinks you are okay because they never see you crying so they think you are okay.  I very often sit and cry behind my sunglasses, right in public, nobody sees and I very often feel like nobody cares either.  Maybe it would be an idea to ask your doctor for something to help you get through it?  They should hopefully understand that grief for your husband is one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with in your life.  I find some days are better than others, as they say a roller-coaster, do you find that?  Sharing your pain - Jill

[jcass]

Thank you Jill, and sorry for your loss. A rollercoaster is very correct, a very frightening one. Take care x

[Jill]

Okay Jcass, come back here when it all gets too much.  Just because there are people who REALLY UNDERSTAND.  Jill

[Karena]

So sorry you are still feeling like this - but it isnt unusual, it isnt something wrong with you at all and no you shouldnt have "got over this by now" the people who say that have no idea -that you dont get over it, but you do learnt to live with it and that takes as long as it takes

In queen songs
sometimes you are doing  "the show must go on"  sometimes you are doing "through the night"
and others  "these were the days of our lives" and thats all one mad mix up of this journey that no one can put together in a way that makes sense,  but the one which stays for me and is always the last line - is from these were the days " i look and i find i still love you" and for me thats always going to be the case i never have to let go of it i never have to justify it to anyone else, it just is.

But that doesnt mean there is always nothing ahead and everything good is past ot that because "those days are all gone now" there cant be other good days ahead.   
 
I think going on holiday isnt something you should not consider doing again - but the opposite.

There is always this period straight after a holiday for a while which is really difficult when we look at the winter ahead return to the same old job same old routine etc and i think a lot of people feel that way without the fact they are, as you say, coming home to an empty house to "nothing" which is a thousand times more difficult than for others who havnt been in this situation.

I am 8 years into this and i still feel that to a degree, but less so now and for much less time, because one of the major parts with that added post trip depression  is not having some-one to share the memorys of it with, preferaby the person who should have been there with you and that brings back yet again the depth of the hole your life fell into without them,
and maybe also to some level, not having done anything interesting enough to describe to others back at work - nothing wrong with that it is a holiday after all and its meant to be relaxing but for me, doing something particular means you meet people that you have that thing in common with and can end up sharing those memorys and those good times because you can keep in touch.
and maybe it becomes easier to talk about to those who wernt there because the particular "thing" you went to do is a focus of interest maybe something they havnt done.

When my husband was alive we used to go voluntary dolphin watching to Wales - i didnt go back the first year but then i decided i would as a tribute too him and our shared lives - but not in an official capacity so i could do as i pleased  without letting anyone down if i wanted to come back early -and the first time it was really hard i spent quite a lot of time crying, i think maybe i had been at the stage where you subconsciousely somehow think they will be there waiting for you - it was our place we were going to retire there so thats where i would find him -and i didnt find him there that first year, but it wasnt all crying some of it was good and my love for the place and the dolphins had been re-kindled but was underlying my overwhelming feeling of being disapointed that i hadnt found him, also that i hadnt left my grief behind so i crashed righ back down again when i got back.
But over the next few months the love for the place took over more i went back again and it was much easier the second time, and I have gone every year since and the feeling that he is there but not in the way i was expecting that first time has grown and i now feel very close too him there, more than anywhere else in fact.It is still "our place"  but also over that time i have made friends with others doing the same thing -I know if i had just wondered round doing the tourist thing i wouldnt have made new friends, but having the goal of the dolphins puts me on the harbour wall day after day and it doesnt matter if i am alone there because i have that focus, and i am not normally very good at socialising at all so its difficult for me to do that, but the ice is brocken when a dolphin appears, everyone is looking the same way, everyone is excited and so there are others standing on the wall all day as well so the conversations go on long after the dolphin has disapeared and when there are none around it turns to other things - its identifying the individual ones we know are resident in the bay, its taking the best photo its sharing boat trips  falling of of kayaks and evenings outside with a couple of drinks and silly chat about sea badgers, but thanks to social media the chat goes on through the whole year, new conversations errupt with a new springwatch programme or new sightings in other parts of the world -  so we do have those shared memorys and the laughs, and i know it isnt the same as when your husband was part of that, but its still good.


The other thing i have done over the years is go to south africa my daughter lives there, but i have also done a couple of permaculture voluntary projects, sustainable fruit farming, school gardens, turtle counts,zipwiring,(hated it) camped in the Kruger park, snorkelling, even had a go at surfing (badly) and except for the school gardens project i am still involved with even from home, they have been one offs but the kind of thing people at work have been interested in and slighly amazed that the only middle aged woman in the building is the only one who  would do anything like that and the school garens project meant studying and learning and using those skills year round to still help out because i cant be there being hands on all the time.

Anyway i have rambled on enough but my point really is if you go with an end goal, whatever that is, something that interest you, that you would like to do or maybe one day before this awful thing happened thought you might like to try, rather than just being a tourist, and when others you meet share that goal, it means coming home is less of a let down,and you learn to pick yourself up again faster,and then just plan the next one, and hopefully are able to stay in touch with those new people to share the joint memorys with them  -
 
It will never be the same as doing things with your husband it will never be the same kind of sharing, and maybe you will chose the wrong thing and go back to square one,  but if there is one thing i can promise you, its that  its better than staying in that empty house with that nothingness ahead of you 

[jcass]

Thanks for the reply Karena, you've made some good points. I do know I need to find an interest but at this point nothing interests me. I will just keep hanging on, trying to stay calm and try not to give up. X

[Sandra61]

So sorry to hear how much you are suffering JCass. Please know you are not alone.  The lovely folk on this website know how grief feels and how hard it is. I lost my mum two years ago and understand how it is to try to seem ok to everyone, go to work and do normal things and still feel the point of it all has gone. I try. We all do. And I think i am doing better now than I was. I did find an interest to get me out of the house and give me something to look forward to each week and I made some very supportive new friends through that too, so I think it does help to try something. You just have to find out what works for you.

I suppose the way to look at it is that life is ever changing and losses are inevitable. They are a part of life, even though they do pull the rug out from under us and floor us. None of us is here forever. Part of what Karena says is explaining that the past is never lost to us and we need to reconnect with it and with our memories and value those wonderful days we spent with the people we have lost over the years. You can be angry and frustrated that those days are gone by, but a loss leads to a change of life and what you make of the future is in your own hands.

The one thing I know, is that you can't live in grief. It drags you down and wears you out and destroys you. You have to find strategies to help yourself cope with it. It won't go away or get better by itself. It is something you have to find ways to work at making it better. They might be little things like going for a walk or having flowers in the room to lift your spirits, but every little thing that helps you is a good thing. They all combine to give you the strength to make it through the day and make it to the next day, until you can find the will to do that in yourself.

Have you tried grief counselling? It does sound to me as if you have a lot of pent up feelings that need to be released in some way. Counselling can help.  I think talking to anyone helps if you can find a sympathetic ear. I also find writing helps. I keep a diary of how I am feeling and what I am doing. I only started doing this after my mum died, but she had always kept a diary, so in a way, I felt I was carrying that on for her. I have also tried to follow through on some of the plans we had together when she was alive, so feel she would have been happy about that too. It is a way of carrying her forward with me into the future, much like Karena has done in doing lots of things she had hoped to do with her husband. It is a positive way of celebrating their presence in this world and celebrating what they meant to us. It will always be hard to be without someone you have loved, but you owe it to them to make your future the best it can be, because you know that that is what the person you have lost would want for you, so you need to do it for both of you.

I hope some of this helps, JCass. You can learn to live with grief and loss, but living so fully in it, I feel is a destructive force that will not benefit you. Please seek help. I am not a fan of medication. I think grief is something you have to work on finding a way to come to terms with and I don't think you can do that by taking a tablet or a drink . You can do it by expressing your feelings, so talk and writing work better, i feel. Maybe write your husband a letter and tell him what is in your heart and how you feel now and then do with that whatever feels right. Burn it and scatter the ashes  somewhere special to you both, or attach it to a balloon and release it or just hang on to it and put it with his things. Anything that helps you in a constructive way, JCass. I would see the doctor and see if you can be referred for counselling. It might help.

Wishing you well. 

[Walkingalone]

I feel that this thing called grief whilst having common elements it is without a doubt a very personal journey, as individuals we all have our own unique way of finding our way through it. I am brand new to walking this one, however, I too realised that it was one that I would not be able to do alone unaided, so I reached out to my local Dr who supported me spent the time to listen and prescribed medication to help with my struggles. My experience with the meds is one of a supportive one that is enabling me to continue with this painful journey. I would ask you to at least go along and see your doctor as a starting point.  Hope this helps and like so many of us comment you are spiritually not alone on this part of your life junney.

[jcass]

Thank you both for your replies, I've avoided the doctor route as I've been down the anti depressant road before and don't feel I'm at that stage. Today I contacted Cruise who said it could be 6 -8 wks waiting to be assessed then a further 8 to 12 wks waiting on a counsellor. Looking into private counselling. I write in a diary every night, I talk all the time to my husband, I feel it helps me keep him near.
 Really it comes down to being unable to accept that this terrible thing has happened, the pure disbelief that he will never be here again. I think once I reach that final stage of acceptance things may change. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not very good at letting go.
You are right that we all must find our own way and its good to get others experiences.
My next step is self help.

Thanks

[Sandra61]

Well done for contacting Cruise, JCass. I know the wait can be long, so you may well do better to see if you can get counselling privately. I am glad you do write down your feelings in a diary too. I do feel that it helps me process my own feelings and get them out of my system to some extent. I think it is good that you still talk to your husband too. I do feel a bit daft talking to a picture, but I don't care! I do it anyway. I hope they hear me.

You are right, it does help to reach an acceptance of what has happened and that that person has gone and to realise and understand that that part of your life is over, but I am not sure I agree it is about letting go. I don't think we can let go of people we have loved. They have been such a huge part of our lives, you can't leave them behind. I do feel my life still contains lots of links to those I have lost, not just in objects I pick up that have a memory linked to them of those who have gone, but in the person I am and the future I am living. I am where I am in my life largely due to them. Many of the plans I am following through now were ones we made together. The hobby I took up was an interest my mum shared too, so I do tend to feel mum would be happy I was doing this and when I go out the door, I always tell her where I am off to and invite her along, as I know she would enjoy it too!

You are the person you are due in large part to the life you shared with the person you have lost and their influence on you and the circumstances you live in, your home, your possessions, your outlook. All these things are linked to them in that they made a lot of these choices with you and you would probably have ended up somewhere else and been a different person without them having been a part of that. They have helped shape who you are and how your life is, so you are a product of their presence in the world and their legacy goes on in you. So you don't ever really let go or leave them behind, because they are a part of you in a way and you of them. Your shared history will always link you to them and your future decisions and the paths you choose will always be linked to what they might have chosen to do, as you will always be able to hear in your mind, and instinctively know that they would have done in any particular circumstance, even without realising you are doing it! So you don't leave them behind, you carry them forward with you. They walk with you like a shadow at your side, always. Your love for them never leaves you and theirs for you has gone with them to wherever they are now, so nothing is ever really lost, apart from their physical presence.

Perhaps it is a change of perspective you need to start to nurture, JCass. Your lovely man is not lost to you, not really. Your life has changed in the loss of his presence with you in body, but he is ever present in your heart and mind and in the way his memory influences your current and future decisions and plans and in the fact that your life is where it is because of all you built together when he was here, so he is not ever really going to be gone from you. You took that holiday because you planned to go together. He will have been with you in spirit. It will give you something to talk about if there is an afterlife and you do meet again some day!

Remember the good times when you look at the things in your home that you chose together and you will smile at those memories. Be grateful and appreciate how lucky you were to have had the time you did have with him. Don't be angry that he is not here now. Loss is part of life. No one is with us forever, but the time they did spend with us is a treasure that can never be taken from you, so don't smash things up, give them a grateful and happy pat to say thanks for the memories and then use those memories to give you strength as you move into your future, bolstered up by all that treasure you carry in your heart.

Acceptance is needed, but it does not have to mean saying goodbye or be a negative thing. It is the end of one chapter, but you can still turn the page and the new chapter will still link to the one before and can and should be written on a positive note, not a negative one. It is a question of perspective and you can train yourself to make that positive rather than negative. You have lost something good, yes, and that hurts terribly, but you were also lucky enough to have had that  good period in your life and can still use it to help you make the future as good as you can too and after all, isn't that what the person you have lost, who loved you too, would want for you? So it's up to you to make sure you look after you now, for them.

Think on, Jcass! Sending you strength and sympathy.   

[Karena]

seems like we are of one accord over this Sandra - i think "acceptance has somehow been interpreted to mean acceptance thay have gone and snapping  the bond you shared putting them behind you.In the traditional form of psychology it is the moment you are "cured " and that kind of psychology has always been aimed at "curing" you  - for me acceptance isnt the same at all  i found another much later histoically theory called continuing bonds and that to me makes much more sense - it means acceptance that they are not here in the same way they were, acceptance of the grief which will always be part of you now that there is not a "cure" from because actually we dont want to be cured, -  our loved ones are not some kind of disease to be cut out - we dont want to have to snap a bond that has been so close and i also think as long as we believe we must do so in order to move forward we are in the worst place for longer because we cant bear the thought of doing it -  so for me, finding that very different idea  was like a boulder off my shoulder - it allowed me to be me and to grieve my own way - not to try and be some-one society wants - to be the cured person put into a case file.

We will always miss the physical closeness  but never have to accept  that the bond is brocken or that it ever has to be brocken  -but instead accept it has a differnt form - if you think of it as a bungy rope it has stretched and taken another direction but it is still there, attached at both ends -  and that bond isnt an exclusive one there are others which have also changed but not gone, and new ones to be formed in the future but none are ever lost in that process.

[Penelope]

Hello, just read your post and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my fiancé when I was 36. It’s been five years since he died. People who tell you how they believe you should be over it, I put in the blissfully unaware category. There is absolutely no time limit to how you should be feeling. Every loss brings a different journey. I still miss my fiancé. All I can say is your skin gets a bit thicker and at times you will find bursts of energy where you will smile and do things that bring joy. But ultimately we always will miss them. Why wouldn’t we? They were the butter to our bread. They meant the world to us. Don’t feel bad for struggling, or feeling. If you were numb I would be worried for you. But you are feeling and that’s natural. Just take each day as it comes. Only do what you feel you can cope with. And on days when you feel a bit stronger (they will come) step out a little and see if life has anything more to offer. I am sure being here with people who can empathise with you, something will come from being here, and help give you some strength. Being strong isn’t something that actually comes with loss. Some blissfully unaware people will tell you, you’re strong. But actually you had no choice but to go through the experience. Being strong comes in time, during the grieving process. Right now you are vulnerable and emotional. Be gentle with yourself and just keep talking about how you feel. I promise you, someone on here will relate to your feelings. I hid my fiancé’s pictures for a while, because looking at them was just to overwhelming for me. But now I have some up and I enjoy seeing them. I hope nothing I have said offends, it’s amazing you opened out, and a good sign in my book. Try and ignore those people who are blissfully unaware. I envy them because they just don’t know. I hope today is a better day for you

Hugs 🤗

[Jackie - Richard]

In my world there is no time scale for getting through bereavement as often outsiders tend to point out " that we are expected to be over it by now, "...anyway why would we want to get over our loss...For me it has now been seven plus months since i lost my partner Richard suddenly ( age 74 ) and no, the longer he is gone, the worse it is hitting me " he is never coming back, nor will i ever see his face nor hear his voice ever again " this is my -  our reality...

Jackie...((( HUG )))

[jcass]

Thank you both for your replies, still struggling and make no apologies for it.
I understand exactly how you feel Jackie, even now, this can't be happening to me. I have a friend who is a qualified therapist so I've been talking to her which has helped. Still unsure if I will go to doctors, I'm working on that one. Certainly I'm a lot calmer than after the holiday.
Thanks again for everyone's support.
J