It isnt the life we planned pr predicted and its really difficult to carry on when the foundations have crumbled under you and even more so to imagine how we can carry on.
14 weeks is no time on this journey i,m afraid its a long adrduous road ahead and it is still very new for you.
Eventually, slowly step by step we can get though - some-one asked me if i though i would ever get over it and i said no but i will get through it and thats a better goal i think.
We must. for our children and other familly or friends because we wouldnt want them in even more pain if we did otherwise, but also i think we can carry on for our lost loved one and in time for ourselves too.
I imagined if there was even a chance of meeting in another life how upset my husband would be if i threw my life away when he faught for his - and later,a conversation between us in which i had not done anything more with mine and had nothing to tell him, so i made it my job to keep his memory alive for his grandchildren - there have been more arrivals since he died who never met him so for them too it became important they got to know him but not as some-one who sadly died, as some-one who very much lived his life while he was able - and for me in trying to be his eyes on the world i opened mine more widely and found healing in little things i may not have seen before.
I had lost what little confidence i had, he was always the social one and i was happy to stand in his protective shadow.After he died I had panic attacks and constant anxiety but in doing things on his behalf , i had to overcome them and find ways around or over those hurdles, i dont think i would have done that for myself without the desire to live for him pushing me forward - and i am still a very different person to who i was, but i accept that new me now,which was hard to do earlier.
I went back to the places we loved, did things we said - one day we would do, and things he would have liked to do, that i would have sat out on,and some of those things were pretty scary, but all the time in doing those i felt that in some way he was doing it with me and that he is still looking out for me.
If there is no meeting again and we never have that conversation then thats fine too because in my heart and my memorys he is still guiding me forward.
People will say you should move on and cut the bond between you but i never have and never want too - it has changed and flexed but wont ever be brocken. 8 years on and I miss him still, and life can be pretty lonely still, but the pain is not nearly as all consuming as in those earlier days,and rather than living life soley for him i am taking him forward with me, but living it for me too.
Being in your work place must be extra difficult given all that happened there, but one day in the future you will find that it remains mixed but perhaps happier than now as you focus on it being the place you met rather than the place you also got that dreadful call.
