Feeling very lost

[Mikecap87]

Hi, this is my first post here, I'm feeling like I need to speak and if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate that.

I lost my mum 6 months ago now and am grieving more than I ever have done, I don't normally express my emotions much and certainly didn't in the past, but it all seems to be getting too much now,

I've also been doing some fairly stupid things since my mum went and I'm trying to understand the fact that I've changed a bit since and not for the better,

At the time my mum was in her final stages of cancer me and my long term girlfriend (we lived together) were trying to come to terms that we couldn't work and should break up, this was mutual although very sad, anyway she stuck by me as much as she could after my mum died, but we always felt we never loved each other enough,

I had a pre arranged trip to thailand coming up that I decided to still go on, big mistake, as I then started really grieving and ws crying most days, I then ended up getting with another woman (no sex but still being ungaithfull) my girlfriend found out nd I was kicked out of my home upon my return, to live with my dad,

I couldn't explain to anyone let alone myself why I was so weak and tempted by another woman, but I knew it was wrong, anyway after a few months have passed me and my ex have been getting closer again, but I've ended up hurting her by seeking what I feel instant gratification from other women, going on dates, spending time with others and even meeting for sex, I wasn't telling my ex ay of this until she has repeatidly found out several occurrences,

My ex is now potentially pregnant with my child, is going for a scan in a week, we both thought we could keep it, but she doesn't want to be around me anymore, which I completely understand! what I don't understand is why I now keep messing things up for myself, I want to be with her, I know she would make the best mum in the world and I know we could be very happy,

So I'm now dealing with more grief for my mum than I ever have before and extremely sad about the situation with my ex, I'm at a loss with what to do and keep pushing those who love me away :(
I feel I've turned into not a very nice person who's constantly seeking attention from others to feel slightly better

[Mikecap87]

Also to add, my Dad has since moved out and is getting on with his life, he is now engaged to the head nurse who was looking after my mum in the hospice, all this after just 6 months, I feel my dad is being very selfish, I never see him as he's never around and we hardly speak much as he's always busy with his new life!

I basically feel like I now have no one close in my life and the only person I did have I have repeatedly pushed away.

[Joann]

  I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Grief does change you and sometimes its easier to make decisions because we dont want to think about the consequences. Keep posting, you will find a very supportive group here.

[Mikecap87]

Thank-you Redeemed, 
I just can't ever seem to make the right decisions for the people that I actually care about, I'm a nice person but I've been acting very selfishly recently, and its hard because I know my ex is going through a he'll of a lot too with this possible pregnancy, but I'm not being there for her 

[Emz2014]

 I think grief hits us so deeply we can do stuff that is out of character, and in a way it is a way of seeking feeling something either because in a way we deeply feel numb inside or a way of trying to distract from the pain or turmoil we feel inside.  I have seen this with a friend years ago and I think is something we can only make sense of some time later

It is kind of a way of seeking comfort.  Losing a loved one can really put strain on a relationship, its hard.  My boyfriend and I had a difficult time after I lost my dad

Keep talking with us, talking helps us process our feelings xx

[Mikecap87]

Thanks Emz2014,
Yes straight after my mum went I felt extremely numb, I hardly cried or showed any emotions, although I 'knew' I should be sad,
Now I'm feeling all kinds of emotions, maybe I've just started grieving I don't know, I do believe when things seemed to be going wrong with my past girlfriend after the death of my mum I have been unable to resist any kind of affection from other women and recently I've been looking for more affection from others, it might lso be a case of the 'excitement' of meeting new people lifts me up momentarily.

Trouble is my ex girlfriend has been so understanding and has forgiven me loads, the last straw has been when I agreed to not speak with anyone and get off any dating sites until after her scan (next week) but I couldn't and she found out, it's like whenever I have time alone to think I need to do something to feel better

[Emz2014]

It might make it easier understanding why you might be doing it, but not always easy to tackle.  I went through a phase of feeling extremely lonely and in a way became addicted to facebook, going on it constantly, and it took time and conscious effort to get myself out of it and replace the behaviour with other things

Maybe chatting here and finding a connection with others (as in we are all on the same journey, albeit different stages) might help xx

[Mikecap87]

Your story certainly makes sense to me, I do find myself going on these dating apps looking for attention, I think because I am very lonely, other than my ex I have no one that I consider close enough to talk to these days.
I think I have become less patient, a bit selfish, and in need of constant little approvals of affection

[Joann]

Mikecap87, thanks so much for your honesty. Its so hard going through each day and people ask you how you feel and you smile and say, "I'm good" even though most times you are not. For me, people are at the stage where they dont know what to say to me because its now been 6 months. I find posting on this forum and being so honest and open verg liberating.

[Mikecap87]

That's fine, what else can I do really, I don't particularly like myself at the moment, and the last week has actually been my hardest ever,

And it's funny because I'm a spiritual person, I truly believe my mum's now in a better place and is probably looking over us now, I also believe things happen for a reason and we are all here to learn,

I guess this is something I need to go through and learn from, but it's just so hard! I miss mum so much, I wish I'd done more with her in her last few months but she was always keeping everything to herself and didn't ever want to show how bad she was, which translated into her not being able to see me or my sister as much as we all should have 

[Mikecap87]

And yes! My default answer is I am good, and day to day I really can be, but it's when I have time to think about it all that's when it hurts

[Joann]

I truly believe my Mum is in Heaven and she was a believer also which brings me a lot of peace. My Mum was not well and declined quite quickly but it absolutely floored me when she went unconscious one day and was gone 4 days later. I know I spent time with her but I have had my moments where I think I could have done more and I think that is a normal part of grief. My Mum was a very independent person and enjoyed her own company but them thoughts are still there.
The nights are the worst I think, because you keep busy or occupied through the day then sit and think.

[Mikecap87]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss Redeemed, it's so hard even when it is expected.
And you're so right, the evening nights are when I start contemplating the meaning of everything

[Hubby]

Bereavement effects people in different ways. We have to face it as best we can doing what we think is right and there is no normal. We may push people away or hurt them in the early, angry, stages but hopefully they will understand and still be there for us when we start to come to terms with our loss and realise what is important in our new future.