I can't cope

[Jayne]

My darling husband Steve passed away on 23rd March aged just 51 years. he was struck down by a double stroke.
I miss him so much. We had 19 wonderful years together. Yes I have memories and they are locked in my heart. But I'd give anything to have him back.
Every waking moment I'm a gibbering wreck. I just howl. wander from room to room in a complete daze.
I'm on my own with no one to confide in. We only moved here in July 2015 so I don't know anyone.
My daughter lived 120 miles away and she has been a wonderful help travelling here to take me to the hospital when she could. She is at the end of her nursing finals and so is pretty full on herself but she took my dog back to hers so I could stay at the hospital.
The first stroke killed the left side of his brain. He couldn't speak, swallow, was asleep most of the time but occasionally got a little interaction like a nod of his head or a little squeeze of the hand during the first two weeks. He'd had a chest infection that despite three lots of powerful anti-biotics wouldn't go and so was bubbling thick flem and aspirating. I felt so helpless not able to ease him. Then the consultant said he'd had a brain stem stroke and there was no hope he was dying and that he was comatosed, I'm not so sure at one point. But the consultant said they had done repeated CT scans etc. If he survived he would be in a vegetative state.
The last four days were horrendous. The feed and fluids were stopped. I just watched him grow weaker and weaker until he passed away. That experience will haunt me forever.
I can't breath, the tears are forever bluring my vision.
We were two halves that only worked together.
I don't want to begin the next chapter of my life without him. I want my darling husband back. 

[Norma]

Aw Jayne my heart goes out to you hun, how hard it must have been for you to write and tell us about your loss, all  i can only say to you at the moment hun, is take care of yourself you need your strength to get you through these early days. Xxx

 

[Karena]

Five years ago I lost my husband in very similar circumstances and like you really struggled to function at all having adult children far away is the same situation too.We expect them to leave but we don't expect to have to ajust too that without our husbands too.
There is no shortcut on this journey and no exit for the roller coaster ride grief takes you on,but slowly you can create ways of coping.Its really difficult to get those last days and what happened in them out of your mind, eventually I started collecting good ones to replace them almost like a pack of cards when my mind showed me a bad card I took a good one out of the pack to replace it,but in the early days I also wondered round the house crying and unable to cope.Gradually a few minutes an hour a day at a time you will find a way to get through.
Finding this site was a massive help,just writing things down helps get things clearer and also there are lovely people here who are all grieving and do understand.

[Cairo]

I feel for you so much. Xxx

My husband's last week was horrendous, although at that time I expected him to pull through. For the first 2 weeks after he died all I could see was him in this terrible condition. I found the best way to overcome it was to get old photographs of him looking young and fit and really concentrate on remembering him like that. It broke my heart to look at them but it has gradually helped to replace those awful images with more pleasant ones. Don't know if this would work for you. I still have flashbacks but they aren't as bad as a couple of weeks ago.

Have you tried using the chat room? It will provide company and everyone will understand what you are going through.

[Joann]

 

[Emz2014]

Im hoping we can support you.  People here understand
   xx

[Hubby]

My thoughts are with you Jayne. 

[Jude M]

So sorry for your loss Jayne, there is nothing I can say to take away your pain. But i know whats it like to lose your husband. Keep talking to us  and be gentle to yourself xxx

[Dave Administrator]

Oh Jayne,,No one here is going to read your post without feeling immense sorrow for your loss, what a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry.

Please keep posting so we can support you, the last thing you need is to feel alone and that will never happen on here I promise.

[Cleo]

My gorgeous hubby died in January and I miss him every day but I notice I am crying less and remembering more good times rather than when he was ill so time does help.  Keep talking to people as I found that helped. 

[Jayne]

So ..... here I am ten days after my darling husband passed away and I am no further forward.
I didn't know I had so many tears. I can hardly see what I am typing now.
I've had the unenviable task registering his death and arranging his funeral.
And because Easter was early this year I couldn't register until 30th and that conjured up horrific images of him laying in the cold mortuary alone.
I really don't think I can go on it's just too damn painful.
Nothing and I mean nothing has helped.
Everything makes me cry/sob/howl all the time.
My daughter sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday to cheer me up . It was a lovely gesture but all I could do was howl.
A friend emailed me the attached wonderful verse but again it made me sob.
 
The only time I feel at peace is when I'm asleep because every waking moment is so taxing.

[Norma]

Jayne please dont beat yourself up, after the many years you and your hubby were together 10 days is no time at all, i know you dont think so at the monent hun but i promise you it will get easier, you need to make sure you take care of yourself and just  take tiny steps, you probably take two  tiny steps forward and then one back but at least thats one step on your journey. I lost my hubby suddenly in August 2014, and it helped me immensly to keep a diary, i wrote in it every day told my hubby how i was feeling, all my hurt and anger went in that diary, i wrote it as though i was talking to him, i still do now 19 month on, it helps me now because i can read back and see how easier it has become, and also there is laughter and humour in what i write now. Please keep talking to us Jayne you will never be alone xx

[longedge]

A million times my wife grumbled at me for being too quiet and never speaking. Truth be known I am (and always was) too quiet and words don't come easily to me. I don't know what else to say but that you have my deepest sympathy Jayne.

[Hubby]

Ten days is no time to be further forward Jayne. It's hardly time to take in just what has happened. I am in a similar situation having lost Margaret just 15 days ago. I am barely functioning and break down at the drop of a hat. i am thinking of you going through this terrible time. 

[Jayne]

HUBBY .... I am so sorry for your loss also.
You said you were barely functioning and break down at the drop of a hat.
That is exactly the same as me.
I hope you find the strength to get through this terrible time.
Hugs x x