Hi, Looking forwards to meeting people who understand

[vinny]

Hi,

I lost my beautiful mum in March last year, A few days before her funeral we received a call to say my estranged dad (who i also held a lot of love for) was seriously ill, Had a wonderful chance to reconnect with him but sadly he passed in the August. Following their passing life was extremely busy and a blur, things are calming down now and  i find myself struggling to deal with such mixed emotions and just feel so lost and alone. I have a loving family and 2 young boys who have autism so life can be challenging at the best of times (not that i would change them for the world) but i just feel so alone and the missing is immense.

Anyways on a positive note i am looking forwards to meeting and also hopefully supporting others who are struggling at this time x

[Sandra61]

So sorry to hear of your two recent losses, Vinny. Sending you a welcome hug.  It is no wonder you are struggling. One loss is hard enough to bear, not to mention two, plus there is no loss that is quite as devastating as losing your parents. Suddenly, if you felt anything like I did when I lost my mum, having already lost my dad years ago, you find yourself to be the 'older generation' and it is very sobering. I think losing your mum and dad does make you feel very lonely. I used to talk over all my troubles with my mum and we felt much the same about everything and liked the same things, so I have lost my closest friend as well. It does make you feel very isolated not to have that anymore.

You will find lots of people in the same boat here and I hope you find lots of good advice and sympathy and ideas for things that might help too. I found it made me feel that a weight had lifted from my shoulders when I found this site. It was good to know that others understood and did make me feel less along. Wishing you well. 

[Karena]

Hi Vinny - i found this place after losing my husband but i had also lost both my parents before that - with my mum the sudden realisation that i was now the senior in the familly was a massive hit - because even when we are adults and have famillys of our own and make our own decisions somehow your parents are still the seniors - still ultimately the ones who will stand by you whatever -and now thats your role - the foundations that you rested on - you parents have slid from under you  and your left clinging on but you also have a new role to fill.Losing my husband later retriggered that because for the first time she wasnt there to support me.

I think with time you come to understand that the foundations didnt leave when they did - you will always miss them but you will always know their wisdom - you are a parent as well and i am a grandparent and as such i think we will continue for our whole lives to build on those foundations they created but make sure they are strong enough to survive after we too have gone.
Its in your heart and your head - you know what they would have said if you asked them for advice you still know that - you know how they would have felt about something you did - you still know that - you might not agree of course but that doesnt matter so much as knowing does and the foundations havnt gone or crumbled they have shifted and finding the new relationship you have with that, as well as of course missing their physical presence is a journey we have to travel -and its a bumpy road.

I think with your dad being estranged though there is another dynamic - i was lucky i met my dad twice before he died and had a couple of very vague childhood memorys,  but even so the grief is not so much missing what you shared, but missing what you should have - missing the future you could have built -knowing they wont ever meet your children or come round for christmas dinner - and logically we are not suposed too miss something we didnt have, and those around us perhaps understand that even less when we do.