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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: The Movie: "Signs"
« Last post by Ian Haines on August 18, 2021, 06:54:27 PM »

I think I understand.  A wise man once said, "Music takes us were words cannot!".
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: The Movie: "Signs"
« Last post by Karena on August 18, 2021, 04:46:42 PM »
I have a place standing on a harbour wall looking out to sea where  i can feel him standing behind me as he did in life when we went there.
It is in a place we planned to retire too - and a long way from here.The dream of moving there died with him and i cant get there there very often, but it almost feels as though the veil is thinner there and he knows when i am there and reaches through to me. The other connection is music rather than film - there are the songs that i know will make me cry but its the others that randomly come on the radio not always sad ones either but where i can have been thinking about something that i would have asked him if he was here and the lyrics connect with what i think  he would have said - sometimes its encouragement to go ahead and do something i am not sure about Sometimes something that makes me smile when i am feeling sad - its not a particular genre we had different tastes in music a lot of the time  and sometimes it can be a song that was written  after he died and i dont listen to it and adapt it to something i want to hear - it finds me if that makes any sense.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: SHARING
« Last post by Karena on August 18, 2021, 03:59:44 PM »
 :hug: well done on getting that roller coaster moving again -i almost went back to bed myself this morning but reisited - enjoy your take away and your day out tomorow - and treat youself to a long soak in the bath with some luxury radox  tonight. :coffeetoast:

i took a weeks leave this week -the first for almost  2 years and on that holiday i was in wales in the sun next to the sea with friends having a good laugh -  but now everyone is staying in the uk and because last year was such a disaster for them the holiday cottages and even the camp-sites have suddenly got too expensive - dont know why i bothered taking this week off the original plan was i was going to camp in the garden and stay away from doing jobs in the house - which was a bit whacky - but at the time it was sunny and warm and i had just pitched a tent to test its waterproof - ness (is that even a word) so it seemed like a good idea then - but naturally of course the weather isnt obliging and although i,m not a fair weather camper when i  go away it didnt seem like such an attractive idea to sit in the garden freezing and wet  so i have mostly been doing jobs that need doing round the house  :rofl:

Then i had an artistic moment and decided to change  the ugly mount on a picture i quite like, For some reason the mount, as it turns out it has been glued to the picture - some-one name was mud when i found that out  :evil:SO then  i had the idea of  using the background of the picture to extend the picture out to the edge of the frame by painting it on the mount .  Who knew colour matching is not as easy with acrylic paint as it is with photoshop -  maybe i should have just painted the mount a better colour instead of trying to be clever but never mind it has a unique look now. :whistle: 
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Loss of my Husband
« Last post by Melanie Penn on August 18, 2021, 03:15:51 PM »
Hi Just a bit about me.

I lost my Darling Husband Dave to Covid Pneumonia,on the 3rd of February 2021.

I feel so sad and lost with out him he was my rock and my love of my life.

Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / The Movie: "Signs"
« Last post by Ian Haines on August 18, 2021, 03:58:00 AM »

Lin (my last (late) "ex") and I never actually watched this, together.  We'd split up a long time before it.  But, I told her about which scenes made me burst into tears...and, they still do.  I feel that there is some mysterious link in this film between Lin, where she now is...and me.  My heart's top ten films looks nothing like my general top ten films list. 

There is something about that film that makes me feel more close to her than I usually feel.

That's not to say that I can explain it, because I can't.  As long as I know that it links me with her, I'll always hold it dear to me and I will never stop going back to it, and watching makes me feel like she's physically near to me.  When I put the film on, I even say, aloud, "I'm watching this for you, Lin!"  I think that there are very many of these doorways to those on the other side, and that's what I consider the film "Signs" to be, for me. 

Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: SHARING
« Last post by Jill on August 17, 2021, 09:23:30 PM »
Well I was at the very bottom of the roller coaster today and then it stopped working.  But I have managed to crank the handle up and get it moving again so the only way is up I hope.  Treated myself to a take-away and tomorrow I am off out for the day.

I get the lightbulb moment of not avoiding things.  I do that a lot!! avoid them I mean!  What you say makes sense.  I ran away from football, cricket, plants, films, records.  In the end you can't run away.  It's a bit like falling over and then you just have to get up again and get on with it.  You can't stay laying on the pavement for ever.  Thanks Karena.  I knew you would understand. 
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: SHARING
« Last post by Karena on August 17, 2021, 02:50:27 PM »
 :hug: I know you can - the missing doesn't end but becomes part of us and who we are.

I know that i cant have him back in this life or ever have  those times back, but at some point it clicked in my head that by avoiding the things we loved to do and the places we went as a couple i was taking away things i loved as an individual as well,  so here i was sat in this big pit of despair and effectively digging it deeper.
If i could start to put those things back in my life maybe i could  build them higher and find a way to get out - in a way i suppose given it was the first proactive thing i did when i moved here making the pond was a metaphor for that although not an intentional one at the time.
 At the old house my pond digging was a standing joke between us - he thought i was digging a little pond not the lake it turned into but when it was done  he spent hours sitting by it taking photos planting up pulling out blanket weed etc and  in summer when i came home from work that's where i would find him.For me losing the house and having to move from the community and place i knew had been another blow to cope with.

Maybe when your life feels so out of control you hang on to something however small you can control and maybe i had this dream  i would come home from work and he would be sitting next to it waiting or maybe if he was looking from somewhere above he would know where i was by the pond I knew the first one wasn't going to happen but rational thought was not something that offered me any hope.This pond here became something i could put back in my life and building it meant i was in control of something.

 It had to be dug and maybe grief in a weird way requires us to dig deeper first in order to  get out of that pit, the same way if you want to pull some one into a small boat you have to dunk them first and let natural bouyancy help you pull them out. But once the pond digging stops  you literally start filling it. You create a soft bed to protect the liner then the liner has to be folded  and trimmed to fit the space and then stand back and watch as the rainfall fills it then add the pump and landscape and plants one thing at a time and sometimes you need to move them or replace them and all the time it keeps filling up and the wildlife is drawn too it and the plants grow and you can chose whether to keep control or let go of it and as it evolves so do you.Realizing the whole point of the ponds for me has been to build them for nature  i studied  ecology and conservation -  then went back to dolphin watching and called at the CAT center on the way home for something for the pond  and rekindled an interest in permaculture.Rather than trying to fill my life with new things i just couldn't find the motivation to do,  the ladder out of that pit for me was built by going back and using the pieces of the old life that i could still find, as a foundation to build on.

The pit is still there under it all but i keep building around it so i dont fall  back in. I miss him, there isnt a day goes by i dont, but at the same time going back like that is one of the ways he is still very much my motivation and my guide.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: SHARING
« Last post by Jill on August 16, 2021, 06:17:02 PM »
Hello Karena,  thank you for your very kind and thoughtful reply.  You are right that, although I am surrounded by people, I really don't have anyone that I can confide in who really understands apart from here, so I will need to look in from time to time so that I am not alone, as it were. 

You are also right about the two year expectation.  You expect the first two years to be tough and then you think it will be easier, which in a lot of ways it is but you can't avoid those reminders.  We moved house a few times and always made a lovely garden together.  That was our thing.  So now every plant, flower and even ponds just make me want those days back again to be honest.  Nothing is the same without him.  I know that's the way it is but I don't have to like it.  I am surrounded by people who care about me now so I am very lucky and count my blessings a lot.  You are right though, I just didn't expect to still miss him so much.   
You can't go back so you have to move forward and do new things.  If you can do it, so can I!  Jill
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: SHARING
« Last post by Karena on August 16, 2021, 01:56:49 PM »
Hi Jill. :hug:
I agree with what Ian said but it is so very difficult  especially when you cant speak to people around you about things and even the every day things seem either pointless or 100 times more difficult than they used to be.You have come a long way forward though and sometimes its a good idea to remind yourself of that when things seem be swamping you.

A lot of people who have come here before also found the second year more difficult not because the grief is greater but because in the first year you expect to be swiped by grief you know the "firsts" the anniversaries and events are going to hurt but  expect it to happen less in the second year because you got through all the firsts.

In part i think its because of some kind of hangover from the Victorian concept of a year of mourning after which you could be married off again or no longer would be criticized if you didn't wear black all the time. That was never about feelings and emotions but convenience of putting people in slots but our society seems to have misread that or maybe subconsciously use that convenience in a different way  - they move on with their lives and think you have done the same then are surprised if  they find out you haven't - and because they do that you start to doubt yourself and put pressure on yourself to at least pretend. People stop speaking to you about it so you stop speaking about it too but that doesn't mean you should stop talking about him either. One of the firsts i was dreading was new year - not because we did anything special over new year but because moving to the next year would mean leaving him in the last year -

Sometimes to remind ourselves that we can move forward and take them with us is to have an affirmation of that intention by doing something like some kind of ritual  that might be involving your religion or just going somewhere that meant something to you both ot putting flowers on a grave we all differ in what means something too us.Ever since that first year  i have lit a candle to burn over that midnight period on new years eve.In my mind it was there as a physical light so he could see i wanted him to move with me into the next year. i took the idea  from celtic tradition and also having secured him in the next year on new days day it is about letting go of the bad things of that year and letting in the light of a new year - cleaning the house opening windows and smudging with sage - i know its not everyone's idea of sane - but however its done or whenever, any kind of ritual can have the effect of strengthening and affirming that as you move forward you take your  love forward with you. 
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: SHARING
« Last post by Jill on August 16, 2021, 01:34:35 PM »
Thank you so much for replying to my message Ian.  I agree with every word you say.  Although I am really forging ahead with my life and meeting people, I find I am only meeting people who are married or divorced and they don't understand at all what it is to lose the love of your life and most of the time I feel I shouldn't keep talking about my husband, which seems a shame.  But here I can and also when I am with the people who miss him too.  I buy a birthday card, christmas card, anniversary card etc and light a candle and talk to my darling husband.  We were always on the same page about everything, whereas with other people I always have to watch what I say as they may have quite different ideas.  I am sorry you lost the love of your life also. 

I have been trying to deal with this sadness on my own but I think I will come back here and listen to others and sometimes add my penny's worth too.  Thanks again.  Jill
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