Author Topic: Hello  (Read 1248 times)

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Offline Son37

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Hello
« on: January 15, 2020, 09:18:55 PM »
Hi there. I’ve found myself here hoping something helps. I lost my dad to a heart attack when I was 15. My mum lost her 6 month battle to cancer yesterday. I’m pleased she is not suffering now but will miss her so much.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2020, 07:54:49 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2020, 11:13:46 AM »
Hi also sending a warm welcome.It is a horrible thing that we come here for, and just having somewhwere to write where others are at the same or different stages of the same journey so do understand the pain we are in where others around us may not.

It is very early days and even beginning to feel better is something that takes a while and even then its a rollercoaster of emotions.

Even when some-one has something like cancer and we are forewarned what the outcome will be, there is that glimmer of hope that the medics are wrong or there will be an overnight cure just in time, so in a lot of ways it is still something which creates a state of shock in us just as a sudden death does.
It is also something which often triggers a previous grief and at 15 you were very young to have to deal with that, but even when you have lost one person and you think you know the effects of grief and how it will follow a course it isnt the case - i have lost my parents over the years but most telliing on that side of it i have also been widowed twice -and my reaction was very different.
The first time i had children to take care of i had to support them both financially and emotionally and make so many other changes i hardly had time for grief i just kept pushing and pushing it away and using every ounce of energy elsewhere but then would literally find myself sobbing  in the car driving to work alone, because there was no other time i could. But i also had my mum around then so i had her support.The second time she had died, the kids had left home and were a long way off -and i did the opposite - didnt see the point of my life - if it hadnt been for the dog i would have just not got out of bed - so it is very different and very difficult to cope with the difference not just in who we lost but in the way those still around us are not the same people who helped us last time.We get impatient with our grief and with ourselves very quickly. At this time for you there will be all the admin stuff to contend with as well but i would say emotionally get through one hour at a time and then one day at a time  and be kind too yourself.

Accept grief in the way you would accept a badly brocken leg  - you know you wont be running a marathon for a long time, you know you have a journey to get through but initially you need to keep still and rest it as much as you can and eat well so your body can start to heal it.   - you know as it heals there will be setbacks moving forward will be painful and at times you will fall over but each time you do getting back up will be a little bit easier because you have gained some strength in knowing you did that last time you fell and you know that maybe you will be left with a scar or a limp or an ache -ing  pain which comes back every time it rains but that will always be a part of you - something you take with you but it doesnt stop you doing that run.

Along the way of course with a brocken leg you have plastercast and crutches and people give you sympathy and open doors to help you - that is not the case with grief -people dont see and understand your pain the same way - but just because you cant see the crutches it doesnt mean they are not there - so dont be afraid to lean on others around you or see this site as a crutch too we will be here as long as you need us.

Finally whatever your beliefs or culture i dont think our parents ever leave us - they are in our DNA - we are them - and more than that  they nurtured us - they cant answer us now when we need advice, but when we look inside ourselves we know what their answer would be - we can still be their eyes on the world so tha ache we take forward with us is sometimes also a joyful one to carry - i have been places where i have laughed at the memorys they evoked and cried because they wernt physically here with me now, -  but in the end the laughter outlives the tears just as a life is so much more than its ending, which is the thing that dominates right now,  and wherever we go we can feel them close in some way just not the same physical way.  :hug: 

Offline Son37

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2020, 06:00:40 PM »
Thank you both for your warm welcomes, kind words and your own story. I’m back at my mum’s home, where my sister moved in 6 months ago when mum first got diagnosed, and where I was for the last 6 weeks. So many memories of the place she stamped her personality on. Just bricks and mortar to some extent yes but with a front door I wish she would walk in through but know she won’t. My sister is out walking with her new bf. I don’t feel like I want any sort of new relationship at the moment as I’m just not sure how good I am at coming to terms with my mum’s physical absence. I suspect it’s normal and trying to maximise rest, along with making necessary arrangements. Thanks again for listening x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2020, 08:54:23 PM »
It is a rollercoaster journey, sounds like a good idea to rest when you can, it will take some time. We will be here as long as you need, having somewhere to talk can really help (even if it is knowing you're not alone in how you feel). I know I found it comforting when someone told me they were also waking/unable to sleep at random times of night - at those times you feel so alone sat awake in the dark/silence, but knowing others understood helped me through those stages
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2020, 12:04:38 PM »
So sorry to hear about your mum.  :hug:

I still live in the house my mum and I shared and even now, more that two years on, I still find it odd not seeing her about the house.

This is a tough period for anyone following a loss. There is a huge amount of things you have to do and trying to do them whilst the pain is still so raw and unbearable is an enormous load to bear. I did find it helped me to write on this website. It helped to know others understood what I was going through and made me feel less alone and that helped somehow, even though the company was remote and virtual.

Try to make sure you eat a little and drink enough. I found that was something I had trouble remembering to do in those early days and sleep was a problem as well. It does slowly get better, but finding a way forward is hard and takes a long time. I think a lot of people who lose someone close and haven't been through that before expect to recover from it in weeks or months, but it doesn't work that way. It takes different people varying lengths of time to find their way forward from such a personal disaster in their lives. For most it takes months and for many years and it often gets worse before it gets better and grief is a nasty slippery slope that you have to help yourself not to slide down, because it can be overwhelming, like mud, once it gets a hold on you, it can be very difficult to drag yourself out of it again, so I would advise that you take it slowly, a day at a time. Look for anything that helps. For me it was having flowers around and sitting on a bench in the park, where it was calm and peaceful,so i could try to absorb all that had happened and come to terms with it in my mind.

I also found it exhausting, so I needed to find a way to have a break from it sometimes and to do that , I took up a new interest and joined a class, so that I had a reason to go out once a week and had something to look forward to.It made me engage with life again and forced me to think about something else. It also meant I had other people to talk to, some of whom I found understood what I was going through, having experienced it themselves.

You will find your way forward from this and it will get better, but be patient and be good to yourself as you nurse yourself through this. The immediate pain will dull with time as acceptance grows and the shock recedes, but once you are a grieving person, I think you will always be a grieving person and sometimes you will find the sadness back with you for a while, but it will lift again and you will have better days. You learn to live with it.

I found it also changed me as a person and I have never been who I was before it happened since. It changes your outlook on life and your priorities. It makes you see things differently and approach life differently, so there is the new you to come to terms with being as well.

It is a rocky road, but it does lead on and no doubt, your memories and love for your lovely mum will always remain in your heart to sustain and guide you through your future. They have for me. I still hear her advice in my mind when I don't know what to do about something, my dad's too and he passed away over thirty years ago now! Your loved ones never really leave you because they are a part of you and always will be. I find that a great comfort and it will do for now, until we meet again.

Wishing you well.   :hearts: