Author Topic: Introducing myself  (Read 1576 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Teddy

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Karma: +0/-0
Introducing myself
« on: January 06, 2021, 01:44:27 AM »
I am new to this forum.
My partner died suddenly in November of a heart attack. We were In lockdown and I was with him.
He was fit and well and we had no warning - he collapsed and I gave CPR under direction of the emergency services until the paramedics arrived, but he was unable to be resuscitated.
I’m still in shock. We had spent every moment together since the first lockdown in March. We worked, lived and loved together.
I’m a 54 year older woman with one child at uni and am literally devastated. Staying with friends for now before deciding what to do next.
I am still struggling to conceive of a future without him. He was the kindest and most generous loving parter.
Night times are really difficult and I thought it may help to chat to some others who understand the loss and the added pressure of covid on the grieving process.
Many thanks and empathy to all others going through this dreadful time.
Teddy

Offline Sandra61

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 579
  • Karma: +62/-0
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2021, 10:08:34 AM »
So sorry to hear of your loss. I can understand that you are devastated by such an unexpected event. Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:  My father died of a heart attack many years ago now, but I recall what a shock and how painful it was. I don't think you ever stop missing the person you have lost, but I still think of him every day, indeed all those I have lost. You carry the memory of them and the love you have for them with you every day, so they never really leave you.

Grief is one of the hardest things you will ever go through and takes a long time to recover from. It's different for everyone, but the pain does dull over time and the better memories do resurface. You just have to do whatever helps each day to work towards helping yourself get to that point. For me, walking in the park helped, both to get me out of the house, which is very important when you are grieving I feel, and to provide a calming environment in which to try to take in what has happened and come to terms with it. Having nature around you reminds you that there are also still beautiful things in the world and things worth living for.

Another thing that can help is writing down how you feel about what happened, perhaps in the form of a letter to your lost loved one, especially when the loss was so unexpected. It could enable you to say all the things you might have wanted to say to him but didn't have the chance to say. You don't have to show it to anyone, but somehow, writing it down does seem to help give those feeling some expression and eases the burden of pain somehow.

I am sure there will be others here who will have an experience more similar to yours, but hope something here helps. You might try our Facebook page where people do tend to reply more quickly, although not usually less fully than here. Wishing you well.  :hug: :hearts:

Offline Dee64

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2021, 10:54:42 PM »
Teddy, so sorry for your loss. I’m in a very similar situation to you. My husband passed away in March 2021. Very suddenly and so unexpected. A heart attack. I find it to painful to think or plan any further then the day I am actually in. That’s after I get over the disappointment of having woken to face another day with out my soul mate.
He was a young 60 year old who enjoyed life, was excited to be returning to near as normal life after the year of madness due to covid. He spent so much time and effort making sure we followed all the rules that we had to live by to stay covid safe only for something else to come along and end his life far too early. I would swop places with him in a heart beat. At 57 years old I dread the thought of living many more years without him.
It’s not where I want to be in my life. I feel exhausted emotionally and there are still plenty of tears. I have no answers other then ...... I really feel your pain and I am hoping that by joining this group we may both gain some reassuring words that will eventually give us some kind of comfort.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2021, 12:43:47 PM »
I was 49 when i became a widow for the second time - also had no idea how to move forward or what the point of my life was - my daughters had their own families and lived far away one on the other side of the world at the time i had no parents to turn too my mum who was my rock the first time had also died. I was lucky enough to have a couple of good friends but even they didn't live close by - on top of that i had to leave our home because i was down to just my income. I was absolutely at rock bottom but what kept me alive was him - even though he wasn't physically here any longer.

I wanted his memory to live on - not just a name on a headstone or a photo on a mantelpiece of some-one who died but of some-one who lived and whose life could continue to inspire me and others in the new generations.
It started with the funeral - after the service we floated daffodils down the river next to the church from the stepping stones - knowing that the lasting memory of that day for his grand kids would not be of sombre adults in a church but water and splashing and something more fun -  he was a fun person and i wanted him to still be the one behind that . It also became a spot they could send him  flowers or a leaf ( and on one occasion docked lambs tail) if they chose, and is still a place  for picnics when the grand kids are around still fun still his special place even though the younger ones have never met him its still grandads stepping stones.

I went on to go back and plant native daffodils in our favorite camping places and his friends from our camping club sometimes were there - in a way he forced me to go to these places and to keep in contact with them because i was planting them for him and to do that i had to plan to contact people to keep our camper van on the road where i would really have liked just to go to bed and never get up or drink myself into oblivion.
as time went on i did things we said we would but didnt get round too and some things he would have loved to do and i would have sat out of because while i couldnt see a life for myself i was building one through living his for him.
When i moved i set about recreating our garden - the place he loved to be in - it was much smaller but had the same things even some of the original plants that i moved with me. I didn't realize at the time how much that was helping but looking back i do - i dug the pond and wore myself out physically so slept better but also found my self smiling at the way my pond digging had been such a joke between us earning me the pet name swampy -learned to lauhg at myself when i made a silly error knowing he would have laughed with me listened to his voice when i was working out how to do something practical.

On the first anniversary of his death i took the day off work and bought plants to go in a corner i had decided would be dedicated to him - the same way he did in our old garden when my mum died - some-where with his favourite plants the sound of water and the bird feeder he had bought for her and a seat i could go to sit quietly surrounded by the things they loved somewhere to this day i go to relax and suround myself with that love.While i was putting in the plants  i suddenly became aware of the sun on my back and a robin singing so persistently i could not ignore it - i looked up to locate it and somehow looking up in what was only a fleeting moment when i felt briefly happy  was when i started to climb out of  the big hole he left in my life. It was a moment i clung too through darker days ahead telling myself if i could feel happy in that moment there would be more of those moments if i accepted the darkness when it came but hung on and looked for them.

We are all different and what works for one doesnt work for everyone but the principle is the same just different ideas of how to do it. Like Sandra though i have found the greatest healer to be the natural world.

Grief is a long hard journey  a roller coaster where you climb slowly up a hill only to plunge back down again often at really unexpected times but when you think of what makes that roller coaster work other than the engine you have a chain made of lots of pieces and as you go along the links of that chain increase as you add more too it  - it is made of friends and family - of outside support like finding somewhere like this to talk about things that sometimes you cant share with them, and of moments like that when a ray of sun comes out of the dark clouds.

Some of the links may go out of immediate  view and you find new links to add. Some of those take time to find  new interests, new jobs, new young family members new friends etc  you dont think as individual links they can take away your pain  some of them might mean letting go of others or triggering feelings of lonliness without him there to share with you but- the chain drags you up the hill and saves you from derailment when you plunge back down - and over time the thing levels out the ups get less steep and the falls less deep.

What holds the links together is the pins and they are made from the love you shared.That love doesn't go away it changes direction and form but doesn't break and doesn't leave you.

For me this forum was a strong part of the chain. We are not trained counselors just different people brought together by a shared pain of grief.The people here in my darkest days who were further along the journey than me reaching back to give me a helping hand and thats why i am still here, because i hope that i and others already here  can do the same for others just starting out.

Please dont be afraid to come back and grab our hands when you need too we know they are virtual hands but there is genuine friendship behind what is written by them. :hug:

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Introducing myself
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2021, 07:20:19 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx