BEREAVEMENTUK SUPPORT FORUM
General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: dizzylizzy on November 10, 2016, 12:32:06 PM
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Already I am thinking about Christmas. Everything about it reminds me of my mum. She made it amazing and I will try to seize on that but oh my, it's agony as the first one without her looms. Everything hurts. This year I am having my dad so this will be my first xmas as host. I plan on making it the best I can for my kids. I know it is hard to stay sad when they will be excited and I want us to be together. My sister and brother are having there own families and are doing there own thing but even as an adult, I was a mummy's girl and she was such a great granny. I burst out crying in Aldi the other day when I saw the Stollen cake. I just couldn't help it. Sorry I am rambling but I have to let my thoughts out. I know I won't be alone in feeling like this so I thought I'd see if it helps to talk about.
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This time of year indeed is so very hard to get through for some I know, with so many things seen and heard around you leading up to Christmas, makes your heart break in two.
The first of anything will be difficult but in all my years running this site, it is the weeks and days before hand that are normally the worst and somehow you get through Christmas day with a strength I don't know from where it comes from but it does i promise you.
Keep posting Diz, we are here for you to help you on this journey we all have had to make...
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I agree, this will be my first Xmas on my own, and unlike previous years, it's one I'm not looking forwards to.
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Well that last Xmas I wasn't a widow but Alan was seriously ill in hospital so I was basically without him apart from being at the hospital most of the day. It was sooo hard leading up to it with supermarkets and music and adverts and all that. So this will be my first as a widow but it doesn't seem as bad in shops as yet- last year I was in tears more often than not with music they play, so apart from Xmas lunch when I'll be going with a few family to a restaurant that will be it for me. I'm taping things to save to watch which aren't Xmas related and I'll just be glad to see the end of the day.
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Julie, I'm still trying to decide whether to send all the Xmas cards and gifts that Ann and I used to do, I really feel like giving the whole thing a miss this year. However, I know if I do, I'll be accused of being mean Mr miserable guts by certain members of the family, because they have no concept of what grieving for someone really is.
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That's a shame Brian they should be thinking of you and what you are up to. Would they accept if you were to tell them you are going to donate to a charity instead and maybe they would like to as well?
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Sadly, no... they would not appreciate that suggestion Julie, my daughter yes, but certainly not my 2 sons, one in particular. :sad:
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I am going to help my dad to see if he wants to send cards this year. I don't think he should bother putting himself through the trauma. I honestly think people who care should understand that it's just too sore for him. We are not really a card family though. he can maybe start next year. I never send cards. I always wrote them, then miss the post!
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Last year I printed (mail merged) all my own cards from scratch and it was one of the things that kept me busy for a while and it kept me half sane :smiley:. I'm trying my best to look on Christmas as an opportunity to divert my bleak thoughts when in fact I'm wishing that winter was over and spring was here again! I solve the presents problem the same way - the cards for the family included a crisp new bank note.
I got some good feedback from many of the recipients saying they appreciated the personal touch and they were glad I was coping so well!! - what they didn't know was that it was my way of surviving :smiley:
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I don't even know where to start with Christmas. Margaret sorted absolutely everything my contribution was handing over cash and choosing hef present (usually at ten to five on Christmas Eve).
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I'm new to the boards so still getting to know everyone. Hubby, do you have other family to help. I know my dad doesn't have a clue either as mum did everything. For what it's worth none of us expect anything of him and I personally just want to help him through it. i think I too am also seeing it as a chance to keep busy and feel rather than not wanting to celebrate, I could go to the extreme as I try to cope and start ordering snow machines and real deer to appear at my door. I get that impulsiveness from my mum :)
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Im sorry that Im not posting much Im in a Bad place at the moment and im stuck , I am going to Contact my Locxal Church to get there bereavement help, anyways when I lost my Wonderful Wife in Febuary the thought of any Occassions didnt enter my Mind. but on every Anniversary birthday wedding anniverary or even when I Lost her, I have been very lucky My Children have promised to be there along with my 2 only gods sends ( both Grand children are Girls ) My Children are very supportive they wanted all of us to Go out to Eat this year, But I really didnt want too Becuase I want it to be as Normal as I can in a funny way I feel Safer that way, maybe im wrong but somone told me ages ago to do what I think best, so I hope we agree to have a family Occassion I know my children will be there for me all the time, sorry for running on my Brain is in Reserve Im having problems putting sentances together sorry if the story is Unreadable or you dont get the gest of what I am saying. Love to you all xx
Mike :hug:
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One day at a time Mike....
I'm not sure if everybody is the same as me but personally speaking the approach, worry and anticipation of these various 'events' are always far worse for me than the thing itself.
I remember seeing a comedy film where a man got hold of a gizmo like a video remote control but one that acted on the real world. I could do with one of those to fast forward into spring and then go into slow motion :laugh:
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So sorry you are in a bad place mike,but your post does make perfect sense.
Like long edge I have found anticipating these events worse than the day itself.having kids/grandkids around really helps at Christmas.
If you really don't want to go out though it might be best to say so soon though because I think places book early and once booked the situation could be even more difficult with family.I would also recommend you offer to help out if you stay in take the dessert along or something along those lines.perhaps for your daughter cooking Xmas dinner without her mum might be difficult maybe something she wants to avoid about Xmas.
I more or less binned Xmas to be honest,I get presents and usually spend the day at my daughters then drive home and shut the door.I did start a new tradition though so instead of the usual tree and decorations in the house (i gave mine away ) the grandkids and I spend a day on the run up decorating the big conifer in my garden for the birds strings of popcorn fat balls etc which we make then top it off toasting teacakes with an old fashioned toasting fork over the fire and hot chocolate to finish.They love it and I don't come across as miserable just different.I look in on Christmas now its someone else's celebration which I have an invitation too but as a guest not a participant because I have my own thing.
I,m not saying do that,it wont work for everyone it did for me just that starting a new tradition can get you out of having to follow the old ones that might make you feel even worse about it.
For anyone on their own perhaps consider volunteering at one of the places that do Xmas dinners for the homeless or perhaps see whether a local nursing home might appreciate a bit of extra help.
I figure if Xmas is going to be bad then maybe brightening someone else's might make it feel less bad.
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Our motto seems to be one day at a time yet all of us torture ourselves by anticipating the next big milestone, anniversary, occasion. We spend ages worrying and, mostly, tha actual day is nowhere near as bad as we imagine.
I'll get some stuff in but I think I'll try to put making plans forChristmas on hold till at least the middle of December. (I know it's impossible)
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Karen that tree idea sounds amazing! I did have a smile though when you described decorating the tree and then it says you top it off with teacakes and a toasting fork! Till I reread it correctly! :smiley:
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I like the popcorn idea. It just so happens I have loads of bags of microwave popcorn somebody gave to me so that is a strong possibility. (My daughter destroyed our microwave last week by cooking popcorn for too long so I will have to be careful with the new one)
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That's true we do worry and build up stress,but that isn't always negative.I always take our wedding anniversay off work so even that has to have a preplanning element.The first one I didn't know what to do with myself but I knew whatever it was I couldn't try to ignore it.By the second one i had moved and started the garden.There is a secluded corner that i resolved to make a memory corner so on the lead up too it i cleared it out and built a little fountain so that on the day it was ready for planting,I went to buy them in the morning and planted it up in the afternoon so by evening it was done.If I hadn't preplanned I might have just ended up with a heap of tear soaked mud,but having the pre planned programme meant I got through the day and had achieved something positive at the end of it.
I had a little smile earlier reading your post about your Xmas meal timings hubby,it reminded me of my mum.I was doing dinner but my brother and his family were coming.I was making soup but his kids who were frankly a bit bratty would only eat certain brand chicken soup,so my mum said she would bring that and she would make rum sauce for the pudding.Trying to be helpful she heated them up and put them in flasks.Everyone else was having the homemade soup so
only when I got to serving pudding and poured the rum sauce into a jug did I realise how lumpy and odd it looked.
It was chicken soup,she had served rum sauce to the kids.Luckily I had a packet of instant custard in the cupboard.We never mentioned it,and the kids didn't either.Possibly because they slept until home time.She swore it wasn't a deliberate mistake.I only believe her because I know she was obsessed with not wasting food. :rofl:
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I discussed Christmas with my daughters today and we have decided that we will all go to my youngests house for xmas dinner as being here would just feel wrong without Margaret. Hopefully being somewhere different will stop it becoming too everwhelming.
I did have a bit of a laugh before when we remembered Margarets Christmas dinners. Something always went wrong it got forgotten. There was the year the giblets were still in the turkey, the year we found the sprouts on Boxing Day (nobody noticed they were missing off the dinner), the time the turkey wouldn't fit in the oven and many others but he best one was when Margaret plated everything up and sat down herself pleased that she had finally remembered everything for once. Nobody dared mention she had forgotten to put the turkey on the plates. :rofl:
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That made me chuckle Hubby! You'll have to make sure that something is forgotten this year!
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I'm sure we will. :whistle:
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Hi,
I have not been able to put a tree up since mum passed, that was about 5 years ago. its not the same to me. I was going to try this year . but will see nearer December.
thats so funny about the dinner Hubby.
Masie
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Ive booked a cottage in Masham this year family in a big house in the same bilkage but i need my own space will be joining them for dinners though, im hoping the cottage ive rented is already de orated or im afraid ill be a bah humbug xx
:hug:
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Masham is gorgeous,you won't need decorations,the views will be enough especially if you get real snow.
Maisie,it is early yet.
This year I,m going to south Africa so totally different experience,absolutely no snow. :rofl:.
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Masie- maybe try putting up a little live tree that is already decorated, a miniature conifer like you can see in the supermarkets or garden centres?
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I put up my decorations after the 10th (anniversary of losing hubby). Used to enjoy my decorations, but do it for the boys now. Don't have any enjoyment out of them anymore.
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You can't beat a stay in a cottage.
I'll be putting decorations up but only for the sake of my grandson. He's fascinated by baubles and I just know he's going to pull some bodies tree over this year.
It's going to be mine isn't it? :undecided:
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my grandson. He's fascinated by baubles and I just know he's going to pull some bodies tree over this year
Mines just the same Hubby, you'd think that at 24 he'd have grown out of it...... :rofl:
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My daughters now wondering why I'm laughing out loud George. :rofl:
Thanks for that. Cheered me up no end :smiley:
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Oh George that was funny- thank you I needed that! :rofl:
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:rofl:even brought a smile on a Monday.