New to this site.

[Karena]

Its a long one i,m afraid but maybe if i take you on my journey a bit it could help.
My life felt completely pointless i had always been a carer in one way or another and had no one to care for - i didnt have the fainyest idea how to care for myself i wasnt wrth cooking for i didnt matter at all. - I worked i had to go back to work, but it felt like why bother,  all i am doing is working to pay the bills for a life i dont want.
 My girls had both moved away in the previous 6 months one to the other side of the world -there was a horrrid divorce going on with the other who had also just been through a major trauma of her own and even a threat i would be deprived of seeing two of my grandsons again at that time -because their dads  new girlfriend hated my daughter and by default me too.
Everything was just so awful i felt helpless to help them and i couldnt even earn enough to keep paying the rent on the house we both loved so much, so had to move and lose that too and the community we lived in  -it was the worst time of my life - and i will be honest i did think almost clinically about ending it
but then i imagined a conversation if we ever met again, if that was even possible, how angry would he be with me how could it a re union of any kind of  romance he faught for his life and i threw mine away, and caused even more hurt too our familly than they were already going through, that i would not longer be the person he knew and loved because that would have been such a change from who i was before.
 
Later that thought turned to that potential conversation -  what i could do with my life  - and again what if i did nothing just survive but wait for it to end -  how short would that conversation be -a hug a kis a welcome and then what -  we were more than that - like you we talked all the time we did things together all the time laughed at each others ways or errors we made that were funny or silly   and there were so many things he wanted to do but never got the chance too -so if i couldnt live my life for me i could try and live it for him - and if that meeting never happens at least i will have filled those empty years.

It wasnt easy it wasnt a sudden revelation that picked me up and launched me instantly into doing these things but a seed of thought and because i was the introvert, the one who was happy to stand back and shelter under his wings -  the one who cannot walk into a cafe and order a coffee on her own let alone a room full of people this wasnt going to be easy  -and i didnt avoid depression, but then i have SAD and have always struggled in winter anyway - the difference now is there is no-one there to make it better - light the fire and cuddle up with me, go for walks with me on the days the sun shone, make sure i ate -make me laugh - look after me.

So i had to fight each dragon that stood in my way or find a way to go round it but even the planning that went into that was motivation even though i didnt realise it then.  - On his birthday i started planting native daffodill bulbs in some of our favourite places most of those were campsites we had had meets with other campervan enthusists so  to do that i had to get there, so the campervan needed to go back on the road, and i needed to be in contact with the others from the group and go back to those meets to access the sites. But when i did those who had been his freinds helped me to do it. I cant tell you how many times i set off somewhere in that van and almost turned back but it was him that drove me forward. The following year and every year since I went back to the place we loved most and planned to retire too, and i sat on the harbour wall and watched dolphins and cried that he wasnt there, but also felt felt he had sent the dolphins to see me He had adopted one as a present for me - that year on the last evening it was the first time i ever saw her, she swam into the harbour with her calf i couldnt have been closer too her and still be on land.Over those years i have made new friends all of us there because of the dolphins and all of us from different places but recognising each other from those conversations or shared boat trips and  this year going to the pub together every night and having a laugh.I still feel closer too him there than anywhere.
 
 But going back wasnt enough on its own there were things we planned to do so i did some of those on my own too - i cried my way through a Russell  Watson concert because we had been bought the tickets just before he died  - he was the fan  but i did it anyway,and too this day i cannot bring myself to listen too his CD -   I have still to walk up Cader Idris and i will do it one day.
There were also things that he might have done and i would most definitely not -  zip wiring acorss a gorge in south africa was the utimate i was terrified beyond belief but my reward on the last turn was a rainbow in a waterfall - something he knew i had always said i wanted to see once in my lifetime.
To do any of these things took money and i so i was working for more than just paying bills and work became more important than it had before.

I can get on a plane i can travel across the world i have done surfing and snorkelling but not just for him because now i do these things things for me too  - but i still cant walk into a coffee shop or a restaurant  on my own, the point is i dont need too because there are always take aways - and in the UK i have built a conversion for the camper van so i can cater for myself  - another new set of skills aquired in order to avoid a dragon.

Sometimes we set ourselves goals that really are the wrong ones - and i have done that too joined local things WI, amateur dramatics which is about all thats on offer here and then ended up shattered and sobbing back at home because i didnt fit in - i was doing what other people said i should but not what suited me,  i know that now, but then it was, in my mind just another sign that i was a failure as a person.
I still need to look like some-one who has a reason to be somewhere i need a prop - a camera is a good one -i have series of photos of vintage car radiator grids from a steam fair he liked going too -  and another of building gable ends in Manchester  - because i had to break a journey there and had hours to sit around -there are ways around everything and the camera meant it looked like i had a mission.

If you imagine right now you are in a forest and you are sitting under a tree -  and everything around you is black and frightening its fine to stay there you dont have to move away from the tree but at some point the black will start to become more colurful -  leaves coming out glimpses of blue in the clouds - you will look up hear a bird sing see a ray of sunshine and spot a path  - and take a step towards it - sometimes we move forward in the wrong direction or go around in a circle and end up back where we started under that tree - other times  we see another path and set off again and path  leads to another unexpected one - doing fee online courses to fill the time  lead to me finding something i could do that i never though of before. The tree is always there we can still go and sit there and shelter under it and that is fine too it doesnt mean we have failed or we are not grieving properly or we are crazy but  the things we discover on those paths are the way we move forward until we find the right onefor us.

I am not religious i dont have a single set of beliefs,and i dont doubt some aspects of all of them including science and quantum physics , but i feel quite strongly that if that meeting ever can take place, if the conversation can ever be had, i wont afterall be telling him about everything as though i did it on my own and  he hasnt been with me, but we will talk about it as though we have shared it , because so many time i have felt him present with me - and if none of it is true and there is nothing as tangible as that and even if he is just a memory he has still been my guide, pushing me forward looking afte me and he is still with me in some way because he was always the motive to start to live again.

I still work but i also volunteer for a school gardens permaculture project in Africa - most of that work is done from my desk here thanks to those course - and his tools, the ones i dont use, eventually went to a project which cleans them up and gives them to young people over there to help them get training and start their own business, and that was so easy to do because he went out there and trained mechanics himself - so i know he would have done that ith those tools himself.
Over time you will value some of his possesions and keep them and they may be really unexpected things (a rear heater matrix from our first camper van for goodness sake) and others you will find you can let go because its right at that time.

But it all takes time not everyone is the same -so not the same length of time - not the same journey or path  - the local group worked for Sandra it could work for you too but you will find your own path.
This is my 8th year, i still miss him i know i always will there are still days i struggle to cope,nights i dont sleep and empty  spaces i cant fill and i still talk too him,but i dont regret at all that i made the decision i did, to go on and fight and live for him and generally life is good.The oldest of those grandsons is moving in with me at half term  october so i can help him get through his gcse,s -so its about to get better, and again that unexpected path of education has taken another turn into teaching.

Ther is something for all of us and some way in which they remain with us finding that is an adventure and a complete emotional rollercoaster but you will and for now you need to be kind too yourself every step is important every small thing you do is a step.

[Rumar]

Karena and Sandra, you are both an absolute inspiration, I hope in time I hope I will be able to honour the memory of my partner they way you have honoured the memory of your husband and mum.  At the moment I cannot accept that I will not see him again, therefore, I can’t see any way forward. I can truly say that I feel that I am losing my mind and that’s scary!  Karena,  I am also an introvert, a coffee shop is out for me as well.  Unfortunately, I do not drive, I did not need to, I had my own private chauffeur!  Reading your post made me cry, you and your husband sound very similar in some ways to me and mine.  We absolutely loved walking, the mountains, rugged coasts and the New Forest. Many happy times were spent at New Quay Wales watching the dolphins, the beautiful ponies and donkeys in the forest.  Donations from my partner’s funeral went to the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon, another place we loved.

It is just so sad that I can’t ever imagine doing these things again, just thinking about them is breaking my heart.

I also worked, at the moment I am signed off sick but I don’t think I will be going back.  We met at this place, there is another reason I can’t discuss on an open forum but I think it would tip me over the edge.  Money will be tight and I know that I will be even more isolated.

I just hope that I can find some meaning to life before I am completely overwhelmed.  I am so pleased that you both have found ways to help you through, please don’t think I am not grateful for your words and support, just can’t even begin to understand how I will come out the other side. X

[Sandra61]

This is all still very recent for you, Rumar, so it is no wonder you can't yet see any way forward from this. Give yourself time. Don't try to look too far ahead. Deal with daily simple tasks for now. Eat a little and make sure your drink enough. Wash and dress on the days when you can and even if you just go out into the garden or onto the balcony if you have one, a little fresh air and a look at the trees and plants and birds around you will help. One day at a time. 

[Rumar]

Thank you Sandra, I really needed a word from someone, I feel so lonely today, not even got up, nothing helps, I think I am going mad, holding on by a thread but really wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up, I am so low, I know there are many more that feel like me, but at the moment I don’t care, what a dreadful person this grief and pain is turning me into. X.   

[Sandra61]

It's an awful time, Rumar. Best just let yourself grieve and cry as and when you need to. Concentrate on the little things and take care of yourself. Slowly, as you start to accept what has happened, it becomes easier to exist with that knowledge and you will start to build a new life around the new reality. It will take time and effort, so just keep taking those tiny steps whenever you can. They all move you forward. I know it's so hard. Thinking of you. 

[Buttercup]

Hi Rumar, you've already received such amazing help and advice but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone. I know it feels it and everything seems so huge and unreal but be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
Your messages are so sad, and I really, really feel for you to have those last memories. As others have said, you are also coping with the trauma of that and all the hurdles the authorities have thrown at you.
I'm new here myself and everyone has been so supportive, keep talking and sharing. You have already shown how strong you are by making your first post and sharing. Sending you healing love 🤗

[Karena]

  You are not a dreadful person - this is something which changes us all, how could it not do so. You are a person whose life has just been shredded into pieces and trying to put it back together with a huge number of the pieces missing  - like a jigsaw start with the corners -the very basics of functioning -you dont need to do more than that at the moment. As you start to add more over time you will find fewer are brocken than you thought and with others you have to cut new ones but in cutting them they are the familiar shape of what was there before because they are built from our memorys of the older ones.

It probably sounds basic and unrelated, but one of the courses i have done was about consciousness (from a neurological point of view) and a lot of it was based on the difference between instinct and learned/conscious behaviour - so there was comparison with the animal kingdom - how they behave and how we behave, what they learn and what we do through play for example and the function of that learning.
But one subject was looking at response to grief using Elephant studies.

What happens when a particularly close relationship within a herd such as mother and calf  is brocken by a death - the other one separates herself from the herd and goes into a safe space - a den or lair hidden away in the trees.
The rest of the herd, which is in general like dolphins, a matriarchal structure, go past daily and leave food but retain a respect for the one in the lair who stays there, but then one day will come out and walk to the waterhole with them before returning to the lair and eventually at the waterhole will become more interested in the playful side of that behaviour until over time they start to mix with the herd more fully and then rejoin them.

 It is the one grieving who sets this pace  - the herd are nearby but only interfere is if there is danger particularly with a vulnerable calf or injured adult when they will make a protective ring aound the lair - or if it is imperative to migrate at that point to another area - when water dries up etc when they will try and persuade the grieving one to move with them, - they will only abandon them if the rest of the herd is in danger by staying.

The herd meanwhile will also sometimes cover the body of the one who died with branches as though within their particular herd they have a buriel ceremony others dont do this but in all cases start a routine where they visit the site and stop as they pass.

I thought at the time i read it, we are the same when we grieve, our instinct is to go into a lair and hide away and that is pefectly natural behavior, but what differs is that our more patriarchal herd is more impatient, it is structured in a different way -it measures importance of a situation differently because the basics survival itself, in western society anyway, is not such a massive consideration. We have water on tap and dont exist in the wilderness with lions waiting to eat us  - so our herds stop dropping the food round, they consider it is our behaviour which is unnatural not theirs because it doesnt fit a written pattern instinct isnt a reaction to convention - and because they consider it to be the case so do we and then put pressure on ourselves to return before we are ready.
 Our "evolved" culture moves on when they chose, not when we do, and they expect us to follow, if we dont then will abandon us for much less vital reasons but vital to their thinking, because they are on a different level, to the wilderness level of understanding survival.
 
So the return to work, to socialising etc, the evolution of established, written behaviour patterns rather than following our instincts, the clinical theorising of grief as stages then the idea we just move on and cut the bonds of the past, this notion of a time based grief is conscious behaviour which our society has adopted not instinct.
Early religions and rituals and rites within humans echoes the elephant behaviour - the ancestor worship that happens still in some societys which we consider is somehow more primative than that of modern religions or cultures isnt worship but respect -just as when the Elephant herd come back after that migration and stand in the spot where that body once was is respect and that habit is passed through generations.The Elephnat is not conscious of the ancestor where as the human is, but still stops at that spot as it did with its mother - but how does it remember where that is and why does it continue that behaviour. 

What i am trying to say in my roundabout way is that we in our society are torn between our instinct and expected behaviour and start to think it us who are fundamentally flawed -so a "bad person" but in my view that is wrong.
We obey our other instincts - we think nothing of obeying the flight/fight response - we recognise fear as part of us, we know if we step off a cliff we will be injured without being told, we even go into a lair and nuture ourselves if we are physically ill, and these instincts are all about our survival - yet we deny our instinct to do that when it is our loss of a loved one which is creating that reaction, and we try to fight against it because of our cultural conditioning which does us no favours at a time we are already distraught.I you want to stay in bed then do that -those who may feel they can udge have no jurisdiction over your grief and how you cope with it.

 
 

[Rumar]

Hi Karena, thank you for your very interesting post, I have read it several times.  Thanks also for the support from Sandra and Buttercup.  I don’t feel like a strong person, how can someone cry every single day? How can there not be one good memory? Everything is taken over by bad images.  I know that I will probably get through this but as you all say it will take time. 

Had a bad day yesterday, had Drs appointment, have to see her every 2 weeks at the moment, had panic attack and barely made it to the surgery. Anyway, I am now on antidepressants, not keen on medication but seem to be slipping further into that “Dark Hole”, so need to give it a go.

It means so much to know there are people on this site who will talk to you, even when every post is one of misery, thank you all. xxx

[Buttercup]

Ahhh Rumar, immensely proud of you for making it to the drs today, really hope that the tablets might help and by your next appt things might feel a little more bearable.
I know exactly what you mean about good memories vs last memories. I am sure all those wonderful times you had together and memories you made, will all come back to you, Once you have time to process ll the awfulness of your situation. Keep going lovely, you are doing really well and please keep posting and keeping in touch ♥

[Sandra61]

Rumar, what you describe is normal grieving. We do cry every day, for months or years sometimes. We do want to just stay in bed, because the thought of living a normal day is so insignificant in comparison to the catastrophe of the loss  of a loved one, so consequently, nothing else seems to matter anymore. You can't focus on anything else either, because you are consumed by the shock and the pain and the huge impact that loss has had on you and your life. So you focus on those last days and weeks and can't see the good memories because they are blotted out by those terrible ones.

It is normal, Rumar, and you need to be less hard on yourself. Don't judge yourself by the expectations of others and be kinder to yourself. If ever you needed to be kind to yourself, it is now. What you are going through is not depression. It's just grief. That's how it is. It will get better and the good memories will resurface as time goes on, but time is key to this, time and your own efforts to care for yourself at this awful time.

I'm not a great believer in anti-depressants as a treatment for grief either, but it's worth trying and if it helps, so much the better, but I would go back and ask the gp if you can be referred for grief counselling. I don't think there is any substitute for being able to talk it through with someone. I really think  that might help you more. Failing that, writing it down helped me very much, so you could try that too. There's something about the act of writing it down that helps you get those emotions out of your system and helps you make sense of them.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Rumar. You are grieving and all the feelings you have are normal for a grieving person.

I do recognise the fear of sliding into the black hole though and what helped most with that was getting out of the house and walking in the park, having flowers in the house and just giving myself time to adjust to everything, absorb it all and also trying to give myself a break from all the stress of grieving, which in my case, I did by joining a class, as I have mentioned, so that I had something to look forward to, leave the house for and that meant I had to think about something else for a few hours a week. I really recommend it. If you only go out for a walk, try and get out. Look on it as a little treat, therapy even. See if it helps.

Keep going. It will get easier in time, but don't expect it to be a quick process, No one can adjust to something so enormous in the space of a few weeks or months. Find some strategies that help you and turn to them when you need them. Grief is largely a matter of patience and self help in my experience.

Keep going, Rumar. Think what your husband would want for you and try to care for yourself as he would have done. He loved you and would want you to be ok after he was gone, so now you need to concentrate on trying to make that happen, for him.

Thinking of you. 

[Rumar]

Hi Sandra, thanks for your reply. I hear where you are coming from and hope I will be able to get myself into a place where I can begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel. The only time I leave the house now is to go to the Dr. my brother drives me because I feel as though my heart is beating out of my chest, I can’t breathe and start to sweat at the thought of being outside.  A couple of weeks ago, I did make it to the shop but had a mega meltdown , now I even check to make sure there is nobody around before putting the rubbish out, apart from seeing my brother for a couple of hours a week, I am on my own, that’s when all the dark thoughts creep in.

I have tried setting myself just one small task a day, just to try and do something normal but it seems that everything just emphasises that a few weeks ago we were two, now I am alone, nobody to share with, no hugs and gentle words, no laughter, I can’t seem to push through this.

I will give the pills a go because I feel as though I am going mad, I still expect to see my partner, I just can’t accept that he will not be in the kitchen making me a cup of tea and when he is not there it is like losing him all over again.

I read replies from you and Karena and how you helped yourselves but I can’t seem to do it, I am still staying in one room just trying to avoid reminders, I know in my heart that this is ridiculous because the reminders are in my head all the time.

Thank you for listening. x

[Karena]

  it took time we crawled back up but we didnt do it overnight.

[Sandra61]

Try not to expect too much of yourself too soon, Rumar. All this is very recent for you. As Karena says, it takes time to learn to cope with it. Again, expecting to find your husband still there as he always was is normal. I still walk into the front room sometimes and find it odd not to see my mum sitting in her favourite chair and find it hard to go into her bedroom, because again, it feels odd that she isn't there anymore. It's a normal part of grieving to experience these thoughts and feelings and to want to hide away.

You will reach a point where you will want to try to help yourself, but need to be ready to do that. You will need more time than this to get to that point. Keep trying and you will find little things you can do and gradually, become braver and start doing more. Patience and perseverance and time are needed. Just don't give up. 

[Rumar]

Hi, having a rough time, tried my hardest to try and take a few steps forward but my world is collapsing around me.  Have hardly been out of bed for the last 5 days, don’t know if theses pills are making things worse, the flashbacks to the day J died are more vivid, I try to think of happy memories, I can see the places but can’t see J at all, it as though he was never part of them.  There is only misery in my life and I can’t see how I can go on like this, I cry all day, real gut wrenching sobbing, if I do manage to get a couple of hours sleep, I wake up and find my pillow wet where I have been crying in my sleep. I was such an active person, now I can’t do anything, I don’t care about anyone or anything. I feel as though I am up to my neck in quicksand, being pulled under x.   

[Karena]

I dont know which tablets you are on but i think the SSRI type do take a while to start working and may make you feel worse initially, its a reaction between the two main chemicsls they use. if it doesnt settle go back to your GP and they can give you different ones.I couuldnt take any they made me really ill and created hallucinations so the GP put me down for bereavement counselling i was resistant to the idea how could taking too a stranger help but that was the only option -the first two sessions i left feeling worse but after that it really helped.
the thing is though you are grieveing and it is early days and no drug is going to stop that being a fact - they tend to help you get through the days in a functional way but dont stop you grieving just sit on the emotions a bit.Counselling is the same in that it can help you think a different way sometimes it takes a stranger to pick up on something you might be feeling turn it upside down and make you think differently - but again its a prop and we need whatever props are available and best for us as individuals to get through this, but maybe we expect too much of them because they cant take grief away -

If you think about it if you have a badly brocken leg you know it is going to hurt for some time to come but you dont give yourself a hard time for admitting you are in pain or for resting up in bed for a while - the cast and the crutches - are the props, they keep it stable reduce the pain a bit and  help you get to the bathroom then later move around  a bit further  but they dont take away the pain completely.
One of the differences with this is no-one sees the crutches so no one sees the suffering in the same way, no one brings you food or drives you to physio every day and professional services are something you have to ask for you dont get automatic apointments through the door so there is less support all round - and another is that you know with a brocken leg in a few weeks it will feel better you can calculate when you will return to work, when you will be able to drive again based on what you are told but grief doesnt have a set time healing time because it isnt a bone fixing itself it cant be predicted based on common data so you need more patience with this than you ever imagined possible and its a more lonely journey.

But what is the same is that with the leg you get rid of the plaster cast and get physio and eventually the crutches maybe one at a time but by then you will know which crutch works best for you -you will have covered the handles in foam to make them more comfortable learned how to get up and down stairs with them set them at the right height etc, but you  are aware that you wont be leaping out of bed and walking as fast as you did, and you certainly wont start running any marathons or climbing any mountains for a long time to come yet, and yet you will get impatient with that and maybe sometimes try and go too fast and fall over again which takes you back a few stages  but later begin to accept that to make progress those falls will happen but less often and the landing is less hard because you have also leaned how to protect yourself as you fall and they too are part of the process, and in my experience of brocken legs even years later on very rainy days they will ache like mad and that will keep you awake at night sometimes, and so will re living the trauma situation that lead too it and you will perhaps always have a bit of a limp.

But that doesnt mean you will never run that marathon or climb that mountain you might have to walk instead of run, you might have to find a different way to scramble over the rocks or go round them on a different route but you will still make it in the end.

You are still at the resting up stage of this journey and if you can do one thing every day even if it is something small you wouldnt have thought twice about before  it is an acheivement and you need to give yourself credit for that, rather than put yourself down for not being able to do more, this is what we mean when we say be kind too yourself - you will do more in time but dont set the goal posts so far away you cant see them.
get up, get dressed, wash your hair,make yourself a meal, wash the dishes - and if thats all you do today thats enough and if you dont do it today maybe you will tomorow , its ok to cry and its ok to be in bed for the rest of the time because next week or the week after you might go outside for a short walk as well as those things, and maybe the week after that you might go to the shop or hoover the carpets all those tiny little things are an acheivement cross them off a list and give yourself a mental pat on the back, but also dont give yourself a hard time if you didnt manage them today.