Author Topic: New to this site.  (Read 10447 times)

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Offline Rumar

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New to this site.
« on: September 28, 2019, 12:46:19 PM »
Hi, not sure I can do this, really struggling but find it so difficult to open up.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2019, 03:15:00 PM »
Hello Rumar, welcome to this site. So sorry you have reason to come and find us. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug: Painful as it is, I found it made me feel better to tell my story when I joined this site. It helps just to write it down and somehow gets the pent up feelings some release. Everyone here has suffered some kind of loss, so it is unlikely anyone will be shocked by anything you could say. People here have lost loved ones in all kinds of different circumstances but we all go through similar emotions and have similar responses, so will understand how you will be feeling before you have even said anything! If it helps, it felt like some of the weight fell from my shoulders once I joined this site. I got so many kind responses from welcome wishes to sound advice and much sympathy and it made me feel less isolated and alone. Feel free to say whatever you need to say. No one here will judge. Thinking of you.  :hearts:

Offline Rumar

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2019, 04:39:13 PM »
Hi Sandra 61,

I am hurting so much, lost my partner 6 weeks ago, diagnosed 9th August with small cell cancer with liver mets, died one week later.  He died in the early hours of the morning, I was with him talking to him holding his hand for 9hrs, no support, nobody with me, he look so scared and those images will haunt me for as long as I live. Saw doctor at 4.00pm the day before he died, because he said he did not expect him to pass so quickly refused to sign death certificate and was querying palliative care team putting him on Morphine, this is despite me telling him the medication my man was on when he visited.  So it was referred to the Coroner, it took ten days for them to decide there had to be a post-mortem, which absolutely broke me.

I have been so traumatised by all this, my lovely man made me promise he would never go back to
hospital and that’s where they took him and kept him there for 5 days, it shattered my heart.

Still they have not ascertained cause of death, it will take up to another 2 months.  They did allow us to go ahead with the funeral which was last Tuesday, and I brought his ashes home yesterday.

I know he has gone but I just can’t accept it. I have only been out to the doctors and the funeral directors in the last 6 weeks, did try going to supermarket last week but broke down and cried hysterically.

I spend all my time either in bed or in the spare bedroom staring blankly at the TV. That way there are less reminders for me to confront.

Everyday I cry until my head hurts, can hardly sleep and the last hours of my partners life keep going round and round in my head.

I keep calling for him, just silence, everyday just seems to be getting worse, I want him back.




Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2019, 06:26:36 PM »
I'm so sorry, Rumar. I suspect you are probably still in shock. A lot has happened in a short space of time and  you didn't have time to prepare for it at all. It is still very early days for you and I did much the same after my mother died. There were days when I got up and just sat and cried and thought until I noticed it was getting dark and I hadn't washed or dressed or eaten or drunk anything all day and hadn't even noticed the time passing and so just went back to bed, where I lay awake and cried some more. I suspect we all do that for a while after a loss. The pain and shock and emptiness are so overwhelming we just can't deal with it and we expect the world to stop because the ground has fallen from beneath our own feet and we can't understand how the world around us can just go on as normal.

Unfortunately the processes that the law states must be gone through are beyond our control, but in the end, they really make no difference. The person we loved is still gone and even if they took his body back to the hospital, by then he was no longer present in it. You did not let him down. You have done well to get the funeral organised and done. Responding to the changes that losing him has wrought in your world will take longer.

Loss breaks your heart, changes your life and the way your home feels to you and seems impossible to cope with, but you will cope. It may not feel like it now, but things do get better slowly. It is a long hard journey, but for now, if you can remember to drink and eat something, that will be enough. It is still very early days for you, so I am not surprised to hear that you are not sleeping or going out or that you spend all your time crying. I did too. I think we all do.

If it helps, I did find it helped me to do little things to support myself. I found having flowers around lifted my spirits a little and it helped to get out of the house, if only for a walk in the park. I still find it helps to just sit there and think and try to come to terms with all that has happened. But I found myself sometimes feeling a little better for a while only to slip back into misery again and have to try to find a way to climb back out of the hole grief leaves you in.

Almost two years on, I would not say I am 'over it' - I don't think you ever get over it - but I have learned to accept it and no longer live with those awful memories of my mother's last weeks of illness in the forefront of my mind. You have to remember that those last weeks were only a short time compared to the entire lifetime of the person you have lost, which, from the way you talk about it in your post, sounds as if it comprised a lot of love and happy times for you together. It's that that matters. You did your very best for him at the end and stayed with him and held his hand and when the worst happens, that is all you can do. You did your best for him and he is no longer suffering and is at peace. Now it is for you to try to find peace.

I know that is hard when you have a hole in your heart and your life that he used to fill, but you have to remember that he would still want the best for you and even if you only do it in tiny steps, falling back now and then, slowly you have to find ways to help yourself move forward. For me that began with putting together an album of photos of my mum that I can turn to when I am missing her and remember happier times, and keeping a daily journal of what I was thinking about and how I was feeling. Writing it down helped me to process those thoughts and feelings and get them out of my system somehow. Others put together memory boxes and memory books; some create a little shrine to the memory of their lost loved one in the house or garden and others get a bench placed at a favourite spot they used to visit together, so they can go there to feel close to them and remember them.

Whatever works for you is ok. If you can't face doing anything at the moment, that is ok too. We all make this terrible journey in different ways and at varying paces, but we all have to find ways to help ourselves, because this does not just get better on its own. If you have family, it may help to talk to them. If not, talk to us here. We may not be able to give you a real hug, but we will certainly send you a virtual one, full of understanding and sympathy, Rumar, because we have been where you are now and know how hard it is. But it does get better and you will find ways to carry him forward with you into your future. How can you not, when he remains in your heart and your memories?

Thinking of you. :hug: :hearts:

Offline Rumar

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2019, 04:02:58 AM »
 Hi Sandra61,

Thank you for your lovely reply. Unfortunately, at this moment I can’t see a way forward, I am hoping that as you say things will become easier in time. Yesterday, I spent most of the day feeling completely numb, not feeling anything, not recognising that time was passing, the tv was on but I was not watching it, in fact I don’t remember doing anything, I seemed to be in a trance.  That was until late afternoon when it seemed as though I jolted back to reality and the flood gates opened and I have not stopped crying since.

I always thought of myself as a strong person but this has completely knocked me for six!  I feel so alone and isolated, my partner and I were everything to each other so I have no friends to turn to, he was my best friend. I have a brother and sister, they do not live locally, they phone but are now beginning to tell me I have to get over it, they don’t understand and now I want to avoid their calls which will isolate me more.

I have so much respect for you, reaching out with kind words, advice and support, even though you are still adjusting to your loss.

I am so scared that I will not be able to get through this pain, this is not living, it is just existing.

My heart goes out to all who have lost a loved one.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2019, 10:19:50 AM »
Hello Rumar,

If it's any comfort, I think the feelings you describe are perfectly normal for this stage of adjustment and are normal ways we respond to grief. Your mind does just go round and round thinking about those last days before we lost the person we love and it is as though you are in a trance and don't notice anything going on around you.

If you read any of the other posts on here, you will notice those words, numbness, alone and isolation are often repeated. That is how grief makes you feel. The numbness, I think, stems from the disbelief, the feeling of being alone from the void left behind by the person you have lost the seems to leave such a vast emptiness in yourself and your home and your life and the isolation comes from the recognition that anyone else close to you just so often does not seem to have any inkling of what you are going through. So many of us are told to 'get over it', as if we can somehow just switch off our feelings like switching off a light! It's impossible! Try not to be offended by your siblings. It is likely they have never been through such a close loss and have no idea of how it affects you and you are right when you say it knocks you for six. It will floor the very strongest of people. That is grief.

The upheaval in every aspect of our world and our hearts that results from the passing of someone so close and so dear to us is not something you can recover from in a few weeks, but this is often just not understood by anyone who has not experienced it for themselves yet. Pay no heed to what your brother and sister say. The fact that they call means they care. The fact that they are telling you to 'get over it' just means they don't understand the nature of grief.

I don't think any of us can see a way forward at such an early stage of this journey. I don't think I could for about six months and then, in a panic, I sat down and made a list of short-term things that had to be done and another of things I could take a little more time over and that has stood me in good stead up to now. At this stage though, just cry when you need to, get out of the house when you can, even if it is only to go for a walk. It does help not to stay indoors all the time. Try to eat something and make sure you drink enough. It won't help you feel any better if you get ill from not drinking enough. Try setting an alarm to go off to remind you you to make a drink or something to eat and then make sure you do. That can be one of your first tiny steps towards helping yourself cope with this. Otherwise just do whatever you feel you need to do. These little steps will help in time.

But how you feel now is normal, Rumar. You just have to find little ways to help yourself feel better as time goes on. I realised that early on.  If anyone was going to help me, it was only going to be me. Work colleagues don't care. Family often don't understand or are coping with their own grief. Like you, I was my mother's carer, so didn't have any close friends, so I had to help myself and feeling I was sliding slowly into the abyss of grief, I decided I had to make a new life for myself in these new unwanted circumstances and slowly started looking for ways to do that. It can be done, but, only slowly and with difficulty.

Tiny steps, Rumar, but they still add up to achievement. You do have a future. One you would not have chosen, but it will be for you to make it as good as it can be. Tiny steps. sending you a hug.  :hug:

Offline Rumar

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2019, 10:50:16 AM »
Thank you Sandra61, I will try to remember your inspirational words but I cannot see any hope at the moment.  perhaps as you say it is too early.  I am so distraught, this time last week I was just leaving home for my darling’s funeral, everything is as raw as it was the moment he died.  This is so difficult posting here, I always feel that I don’t want to bring people down, they have enough grief of their own.  You seem to be such a strong person, The relationship you had with your mum sounds as though it was extremely close, you must miss her terribly but you are still here to help others and I am so glad you are. X

Offline Karena

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2019, 11:19:33 AM »
Dont be afraid to express your emotions thats the point of the site  that we share our grief - and sometimes later on we share other things the good days the mediocre ones too, as well as the bad, , but no-one expects good days so soon .
My journey started much longer ago but i do remember only too well the feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness.
The support i found here back then and the way writing helped me to express what i couldnt ever do elsewhere is priceless.
We spend a lot of time painting on a smile and saying we are OK when we are not on this wretched grief journey - you dont have to do that here. :hug:

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2019, 10:54:14 AM »
Of course you are still distraught, Rumar. Your loss is still very recent. That's normal. And don't think you are bringing anyone down! As Karena says, that's the point of this site. You can say how you really feel and everyone will understand because they either still feel or have felt exactly the same way and just wan to help and sympathise. And it is so important to have that support so that you don't feel you are doing this all on your own. Even if that support is only virtual and we cannot be with you to give you a real hug, it made all the    difference to me to know others were thinking of me and understood what I was going through and we do, Rumar. You can say whatever you like here and no one will mind or be brought down by it. They will just want to help. We all have to help each other. When the worst has happened, it is a help to know you are not alone.  :hug: :hearts:

Offline Rumar

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2019, 05:46:29 PM »
Thank you Karena and Sandra61, I really appreciate your support.  Today has been another numb day, as you have said it is probably still shock.  I got up this morning, another sleepless night, thought I would try to do just one little job, next thing looked at the clock and half the day has gone and I don’t even remember getting out of bed.  Can’t be bothered to shower or get dressed, all seems so pointless.  I will try again tomorrow to do something but right now just want to get back into bed and wish the rest of the day away.  Thank you again.       




Offline Emz2014

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2019, 07:42:24 PM »
Try to take it in small steps  :hug:  make sure you notice each little step forward, some days getting up and showered will be an achievement. And thats ok  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Rumar

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2019, 08:43:54 AM »
Hi All, just needed to talk.  Got up and decided to just do one little job, gathered all my partners jackets shoes etc. to put them all in the same wardrobe, have no intention of getting rid of anything  but wanted them to all be in the same place.  Have absolutely had a mega breakdown, spent half an hour frantically sniffing all his clothes trying to smell his scent. He always said that “if he put any of his things down for five minutes it would be in the washing machine”.  Can’t smell him anywhere, it’s like he has been washed out of my life, why did I do it?  I hate this rotten misery, I feel as though I am falling into a big hole and can’t get out, I hate this life.   :cray:  .





Offline Karena

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2019, 10:53:53 AM »
 :hug:no pressure to get rid of anything only you will know when or if ever you are ready to do that - i wore my husbands big fleece round the house for a long time and his dressing gown is still on the back of the door but its not the same house i had to move and hung it there while telling myself the lie he was just working away -and knowing it wasnt true but thats what got me through the move, even complaining too him about leaving me with all the work to do but i didnt find his smell in thse things -just every so often a glimmer around me not attached too an object and in the early days i think maybe we look for the obvious too hard and miss the small things - in time they will come from unexpected places at unexpected times - sometimes they will make you cry and you wont believe me now but other times they will make you smile.

He hasnt been washed away he will always be with you in some way but at the moment grief is too big and overwhelming for you to find that way. :hug:

Offline Rumar

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2019, 12:17:41 PM »
Hi Karen,  thank you for your support, I so look forward to any little thing that will give me hope that there is more than this heartbreaking finality.  I feel so ashamed that I am saying “ I hate this life” when there are so many people putting up a desperate fight for theirs, but I really don’t feel I can ever heal from this.  We never spent a day apart, we knew what each other was going to say before we said it.  Everybody used to say “ what on earth do you two find to talk about, you are always talking!” We didn’t need friends, we were happy to just be each other’s best friends, only now I don’t have my best friend and the conversation has stopped.   :cray:  x

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New to this site.
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2019, 09:01:45 PM »
So sorry you are so overwhelmed by your grief, Rumar. I know it is very hard, but what Karena says is true. You will feel better in time, as unbelievable as that sounds now.

I don't seem to have anything that retains my mum's scent either, but hard as it was, and I am not surprised you fell apart after, I think that was an achievement to put all your husband's things in one wardrobe. You wanted it that way and you did it. Now you know you can go to that cupboard and look at his clothes when you want to and each item will have a memory attached to it of somewhere you went together or something you did. That's why I am finding it hard to part with my mum's things. But as Karena also says, you can keep them forever and that's ok. If they bring you any kind of comfort or a memory of some kind, that is a help. I think so many people keep their lost loved ones' things. It is a comfort and a way to feel closer to them.

Some people here have made cushions from their loved one's clothes so that they can have them round the room to remind them of the person they have lost and hug them to make them feel closer to them. Just a thought for the future perhaps. I don't think it would work for me. All I could see if I considered doing that would be my mum berating me for spoiling her lovely things, so I wouldn't dare! It's something you might like to think about though.

Conversation is more complicated as an issue. I still tell my mum and dad if I am going out and where and invite them to come along in spirit when I am off somewhere nice. I also talk to their pictures about my day or if I am upset or worried about something. I can often hear in my mind what their replies might have been too. I know some people write a letter to the person they have lost to tell them all the things they might have wanted to say in person, but never got the chance to do, or how they are feeling now without them and what they feel about the future. You don't have to stop talking to him. You just change how you do it or how you hear his responses. You can't bring him back, but that doesn't mean that you have to let him go or forget him either.

Your description of feeling you are falling into a big black hole that you gave earlier and of hating this life is another thing that is normal for grief and another thing we all go through too. It made me quite scared at the time. I felt like I was sliding into depression and wasn't sure if I would be able to get out of that hole again. For me, that was a bit of a turning point. I knew  I was going to need something in my life to help me find a way forward and give me some respite from the grieving and some little ray of hope to keep me going. I joined a class doing something my mum also used to enjoy and that felt ok, because I knew she would have gone with me if she had still been here and would not have disapproved. It took a lot of courage, but I was so glad I went.

Like you, I had no real friends and I made some there and it made me think about something else for a couple of hours a week. It got me out of the house and gave me a change of scene and became something I look forward to doing each week. I didn't stop grieving or crying, not for many more months and I don't think, even when you learn to cope with it better, that you ever stop grieving, but it did help and still does. I don't know what I would have done without that class to look forward to. I really believe that it saved me from going into depression. I still go now and still enjoy it two years later almost. It's all part of building a new life for yourself in your new circumstances really and making life bearable again. Maybe there is something you might think about doing when you feel up to it, something perhaps that you both enjoyed or were interested in, so that you could do it for the both of you. It is worth thinking about. It helped me. It did help combat the grief pit and kept me from sliding in!

Well done for sorting out your husband's clothes though, Rumar. As upsetting as it was, it was a little step forward and a little victory for you. Sending you a hug.  :hug: