Author Topic: Hello. Unbearable grief.  (Read 2140 times)

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Offline Steve3

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Hello. Unbearable grief.
« on: November 11, 2020, 11:52:54 PM »
Hello.

My lovely partner died on 13th July 2020 after a 4-year battle with cancer.  The way I feel, I wish I had died with him. We were together for 25 years and we were soulmates.  I loved him more than anything and couldn't imagine life without him. The last year, having to watch him suffer in extreme pain and deteriorate was unbearable.  His life ended in a hospice and the last few days have mentally scarred me - probably forever.   

I was numb and in shock for the first few weeks and during the funeral.  Now, I although I know he is dead, my brain can't process the fact that I will never see him again and I can't deal with the concept of this is now ''forever''.  I'm masking the pain, on some strange level, and think he's going to come back because the harsh reality is too overwhelming to comprehend. I feel like I'm waiting, time is endless, days are empty and everything is pointless. I can't move forward and don't think I want to because in a way it will mean I'll be leaving him behind. I'm trying not to think of the future beacuse I think about teh future I have lost.

I'm constantly crying and trying to get through one day at a time but I feel I'm drowning in crushing grief and the gut-wrenching feelings of despair and panic. I can't stop thinking about those last horrible days. I feel I let him down in so many ways and wish I'd done more than I did but I just couldn't cope with what I knew was coming.

It's the first time I've been really exposed to the stark finality of death and its fallout.

I get comfort when I speak to people who can relate to the mental pain experienced after the loss of a loved one - that's why I'm here. People say ''it's still early days...'' but that doesn't really help...

Thank you for reading this.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2020, 11:59:19 PM by Steve3 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2020, 11:16:41 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
We have many members who have lost their partner and will understand. Hope the forum helps
« Last Edit: November 12, 2020, 11:21:10 PM by Emz2014 »
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2020, 07:54:32 PM »
 :hug: theyre not wrong ii is early days but i know it doesnt really help to say it
In time I found rather than thinking if i took a step forward i was leaving was leaving my husband behind it helped to think of him moving forward with me - not in the same way i would have wanted of course, but i but he is always in my mind when i do anything even now. I started doing  things as a tribute to him - planting wild daffodils in our favourite places - going and doing some of the things we said we would do "one day" but didnt get round too and doing some things he would have done that i would have sat out on - as though doing them for him.It wasn't easy i had to move house and remember hanging his dressing gown up on the door of my room and telling myself he was working away and would be back one day - i knew it wasn't true but it was the only way i could get things done so i did it. Going back to some of those places on my own was a battle as well but everything was back then if it hadn't been for our dog needing looking after i wouldn't have go out of bed a lot of days.I became more anxious and i had panic attacks the attacks i have found ways to stop  the anxiety never quite has done, but i deal with it because that's who i am now and because i have found strategy's to deal with it and again it takes time i,m afraid.

Remembering the last days thinking we didn't so enough or we took the wrong action or said the wrong thing is common to us all here i think - the fact is we didn't do anything or say anything that wasn't done through love for them even if that was being sharp sometimes or hiding away for a while to take a breather and collect ourselves together so we could be stronger for them.we dont have hindsight and cant change it but we can look at it in a different way - often if you think of what it is and revers it you find you would still have felt guilt - for example my husband wanted to go home i insisted on calling an ambulance and said we will just get it checked then we can go home - but he never went home again and to me i had brocken a promise denied his last request - yet i also know if i hadn't called the ambulance i would always worry there might have been something the hospital could have done to save him -but it took for some-one on here to point that out to me because i wasn't seeing things clearly but stuck in a cycle of self blame. 

I did find something that helped with those last memory's was to go back to what was before and collect better ones  - if you imagine a memory is a card in a pack and put a picture on it then when the awful ones come up imagine throwing it down and putting a good one in its place - it works better the more you do it and it works better the more good ones you collect until the bad ones are completely outnumbered and dont come up so often.

Keep coming back and keep talking we will be here as long as you need us. :hug:   

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2021, 12:16:36 PM »
Hello Steve,

It's a while since you posted your story and I hope things are gradually improving for you. I don't always get time to reply promptly to a post and the last few months have been very busy in the face of the pandemic, but I have been catching up today with a few of the posts that I missed in the last few months. A few things struck me about your post that I thought I would like to respond to.

Firstly, I am sure this must be an especially difficult time of year for you, as it is for all those of us who are grieving people, so I just wanted to say you are not alone in this. Sending you a hug.  :hug:

Secondly, you put it well in mentioning the future you have lost. I think this is one of the things we grieve for, but moving forward into that future does not mean you have to leave the person you have loved and lost behind. I have lost several people over the years and the latest was my mum, who passed away in 2017, but I don't feel I have left any of them behind. The times I spent with them may be behind me now, but I have never felt I have left them behind. I carry them with me every day in my heart. I still talk to them most days, which may sound mad, but doesn't feel at all daft! I have pictures of them in the house and I do talk to them and in my heart and my head, I can hear what their replies and advice would probably be. I don't feel at all that I have left them behind. They helped make me who I am, so they are a part of me, so they can never be left behind. I am grateful for every day I had with them, good or bad. The memories people leave you help shape who you are and shape your responses to whatever you experience in your future. Their influence on your life goes on, woven into the tapestry of who you are and you never forget them and not a day goes by that you don't think of them, so, in a way, they remain with you always, not as you would have liked, but they are there, all the time, in your mind and in your heart.

Thirdly, you mention still crying all the time and being unable to dispel the memories of those last days. I found grief overwhelming too especially during those first six months. I don't think I was aware of feeling better at all really for at least eighteen months, but I realised, six months in, that unless I did something about it, grief was going to drag me down into a pit I might not be able to climb out of again, so I knew I had to work at getting better and set about that. It has helped. I looked for little strategies that I could turn to to help me and found them in simple things like walking in the park, where I felt I could sit on a bench to try to absorb all that had happened. The calm and peaceful outlook helped me feel calmer and reminded me that there were still beautiful things in the world. Having flowers around at home helped in a similar way. Their scent raised my spirits a little and helped me feel better. I also found the inscriptions on the benches comforting, showing that those others have lost are not forgotten and at Christmas, you often find people, who still remember those they have lost, leave little bunches of flowers on them, proving that they are not forgotten and their memories are still cherished and they are still loved and missed, even years later. Similarly, visit a cemetery at Christmas and you will find the monuments dressed in tinsel and baubles by family and friends who still want them to be part of their Christmas. You will never see so many flowers or so many people visiting graves of lost loved ones as on Christmas Day. The ones we have loved and lost are never forgotten or left behind.

In terms of dispelling those awful memories of those last days and not letting grief drag you down, I found it helped to revisit places I had been to with them in the past. It helped reawaken memories of happier times we had had together and looking a photos also helped with that, so I put together an album of favorite photos to look at when I was missing them. Both these things may have brought a tear to the eye, but they also put a smile on my face remembering those times and realising what  treasure they created for me and they are mine for the rest of my life. A strength and a treasure. You will have your own. You just need to reconnect with them.

Lastly, we all feel guilt that we have let them down. That's a normal reaction I think. Everyone can find something to feel guilty about and goes through the 'what if' process, blaming themselves for having done or not done this or that. The truth is, we do the best we can with the information and the situation we are in at the time. Looking back, we can always find fault, but there is none really. We did what we thought best at the time. We may feel differently about that with hindsight, but in the moment, we don't have the benefit of hindsight. We do the best we can based on the information we have at the time and what we can manage to do under the severest stress and in a huge state of upset. There is no point to go on blaming yourself for anything. You did your best at the time and what happened would have happened anyway.

Once you are a grieving person, some part of you will be a grieving person forever and some days will always be worse than others when something suddenly happens to remind you and takes you back to that moment, but better days do come again and your grief  dulls and becomes a part of who you are. It makes you into a different person, and you have to learn to live with the new you and your new normality, but that never means leaving your lost loved one behind. It means finding your way into a new and different future but carrying your lost loved on with you into that future, because you can't do anything else. They are part of who you are and will be with you always and that is how it should be.

You do have a future Steve, not the one you wanted perhaps and it will be a future you will have to work at to make it the best it can be, but you do have a future and riding the grief roller-coaster will have its many ups and downs, but however many bad days there are, there will also be better ones. You may, no, you will have to work at that, but find what helps you and use those things to help prop you up and move you forward. Life is for the living and your lost loved ones would always want the best for you and want you to be happy, so now they are not here to help that happen, it's up to you to do that on their behalf now, in honour of their memory and the legacy of their presence in your life. Be positive, be strong and do the best you can to make your future a good one, for them.

We do understand here. You are not alone. I hope you are doing better now. Sending you an understanding hug and strength.  :hug: :hearts:


Offline Seven

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2021, 09:40:17 PM »
Hello
I have not lost my partner to cancer but he did get an incurable diagnosis of cancer a year ago. Thankfully against all odds and the original diagnosis world class surgery took the most of the cancer away. I just joined this site today as I am grieving the loss of my fourth sibling.
Anyway I am replying because I’d like to recommend a book that I have found helpful, it’s called ‘grief works’ by Julia samuel. I can only begin to imagine the pain and anguish you must be feeling, thank you for sharing your brave story. Maybe the book can help with some of the complex feelings and upset you must be experiencing. Best wishes to you xx 

Offline Nice2bNice

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2021, 05:08:46 PM »
The void caused by the loss of someone who you both loved unconditionally and cared for without question is so vast that nothing makes sense, that's how I felt and gradually I came to terms with the reasons my partner suddenly passed away in front of me HOWEVER I did not make sense of anything on a personal level.
For me it was like my brain piecing together something that never fitted together.
Anger, guilt, impatience, restlessness etc, all the emotions we suffer and are unable to deal with will feel like life is standing still for you while everyone else appears to be 'getting on with things'.
Talk, express your feelings and emotions on here, to your family and friends, professional persons if required but talk, also for me reading through posts and knowing others were feeling similar to the way I felt was helpful in the way that I was comforted in knowing I wasn't being irrational. Yes time will indeed help but talking, expressing yourself will help more and in turn hopefully you will be able to give advice of your own journey on here, or to others but that's not to say you will be ready to face your journey soon, you need to take time to heal, to make sense of things, to rest, to remember all the wonderfully blessed memories you made together.
To think of my partner to be in a better place gives me comfort, to wish she was still with me would give me joy but I know she was tiring of the constant feeling of not being a complete woman everytime another operation had to be performed or infected area surgically removed but such is love and the torment we're caught up in.
Be happy for what you managed to achieve, those memories will soon bring smiles when today they only bring sorrow and pain.
Talk, for me that was the key, whether vacally or with type/text and when you are ready, I'm sorry if I seem a bit harsh in some areas but my path took me places I would rather not go again, especially the anger.
I think of my wife as being free, not that I lost her or she left me 💞
« Last Edit: January 16, 2021, 05:13:37 PM by Nice2bNice »

Offline Rod

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2021, 12:04:51 PM »
I did everything for my wife during her illness but my depression makes me think I didn’t do enough. Can’t get rid of unsettling thoughts.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2021, 11:28:48 AM »
I think we all do that at some point Rod - think what we could have said or done to change what happened - in truth its not likely we could have whatever we did - sometimes it can be helpful to turn these thoughts upside down - if i hadnt done this but done this instead maybe this would have been better or would it - for example my husband had his final stroke at his daughters house -when i went to collect him  he wanted to go home but  i insisted on calling an ambulance saying we would go home later as soon as the hospital had checked him out - he didnt ever go home and i felt so guilty about that - but some-one on here pointed out he would have died if i took him home as well and then i would be feeling guilty because i didn't call an ambulance - always wandering whether they could have saved him - i have never stopped wandering if i  let him down  - potentially even  lied because  i knew underneath it had happened again although not the outcome but that it wasn't going to be  quick turn around from the hospital  -  did i make the right choice ? -- some questions will never be answered but i also know i would still be asking the same question whichever choice i had made so have learned to live with the unanswered questions.

Offline North West London

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2021, 05:09:49 PM »
Hi Steve,

I’m so ssorry for your loss. I know that probably doesn’t count for much right now, but the way you speak about your partner just comes through with such fierce love for him. It feels odd to post to a complete stranger but your post just connected with me. I’m so sorry and I’m just sending you warm hugs and just know that every day is hopefully a little bit more hopeful. I don’t know your partner but I do know that anyone that felt that love wouldn’t want the other person to feel sad.

I’ve lost a best friend to cancer at the end of November and a close friend killed  themselves at the weekend because they’d become so isolated and lonely during lockdown. It’s beyond my wildest thoughts that either of them can’t be here now,  but I try and cling to the thought that neither of them would want anything but love for me, and not sadness.

I’ve joined this forum to try and understand when and how it gets more bearable. I wish you all the best and hope you can be kind to yourself. Xxx