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 :hug: I used to find and still do sometimes that it can sometimes feel less lonely to be alone than to be with people  without that special some-one by your side - things like weddings or familly events but it used to be everything even  the every day and banal things shopping.
I also felt like you why him not me - me who now has no purpose or use to anyone else - at the time i also had just got an empty nest - and he was no longer here to care for either in fact after a life of pretty much being a carer for others to having no-one who needed me except the dog - i had no idea how to be anything else.My job wasnt particularly useful to anyone but the company and it wasnt as though i was not replaceable there either.He was the confident one - the one people were drawn too the one who could entertain others,the one who solved practical problems round the house and the one i came home to knowing i was unconditionally loved.

I went from flying through fridays work so i was ready to leave as soon as the clock allowed me to rush home for the weekend, to being the last to leave - dragging out going home looking in closed shop windows to avoid the moment of opening the door to the empty house.

I started making friday night treat night - not  anything big but chocolates a film a candle lightt bath buying myself flowers -  just little things that could never replace him being there  but made friday nights a little less awful.

At some point i imagined a conversation if we ever met again in another life - the one where he asked what i did with the rest of my life and my only reply was i mourned for you. - It would be a short conversation but if i couldn't see a point to my life maybe i could at least try and live it for him - be his eyes on the world - so  the alternative conversation was one where i could say "i went back to the places we loved to go - the dolphins are still around the bay - the one you adopted for me has calves now  - remember we said we would walk up cader idris - well i did that and i wished you were next to me  the views were amazing -and  the ridge was terrifying so i wont be doing it again . Remember when we saw that gorge zipping on tv  and you said you would love to do it and i said you were on your own with that one - well i did it for you - you would have loved it - i didnt but i saw the rainbow in the waterfall i always wanted to see not from the angle i envisaged but thankyou for making that happen for me . - i havnt changed that much   i dug another pond and your stig of the dump nickname came to mind when i was doing it but also when i went and swam in morecombe bay and came out plastered in mud. Work still does my head in but i am using the skills i learned there to help a schools garden project in Africa and thats where all your tools went that i couldnt use i knew you wouldnt mind if some-one else could use them .- You would have laughed when i learned how to clear a u bend i was so full of pride  then tipped the water back in  the sink before i put it back on - what a fool . little -x  (grandkids did/ said this - and older one is trying to get in the brigade now remember when he sitched the outside tap on hosed your car and tried to clean it with a pan scrub."   

Its like an ongoing conversation in my head even now - and its not about "living in the past" or "not letting go" being unhealthy as some people  think we all find different ways to cope in the end and for me it is taking him forward with me and  increasingly with some of this stuff i  started to feel i wont need to tell him what i have done because he has been by my side in some way all along and thats ok too - because the conversation will be shared experiences as they once were and its still better than the one where i have nothing to say except i missed you.- Maybe there will never actually be a conversation and maybe i have been fooling myself all along,  but its still not wasted because it is what eventually got me out of the house restored some self confidence forced me to make some kind of life for myself and still drives me even now 10 years on.
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 :hug:  :hug:
I think it's hard for people who have not lost people to understand- you've explained it really well.  You're amongst people who understand  here  :hug:
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My husband Martin, suffered a heart attack back in March. He was a young 60 years old and so conscientious about his health that it make it so hard to understand how or why this has happened. We had so much to look forward to and he was so relieved to have navigated the tricky route of avoiding covid. It feels almost cruel that after the months of being so conscientious about all the restrictions that I should lose him anyway.
The emotions and pain is so confusing and unbearable. I wish it had been me that went first. I would happily swop places with him in a heart beat. He loved life, was a real peopleís person ..... I was the plodder in life.
I have had so much support and company, everyone making sure I am not lonely....... I donít think they understand that I could be in a crowded room and I would be be lonely...... lonely for my soul mate. I really canít imagine spending the next 20/30 years without him.
Thanks for letting me rant!!
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello
« Last post by Emz2014 on May 15, 2021, 07:21:19 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug: it's a rollercoaster journey but people here understand
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Introducing myself
« Last post by Emz2014 on May 15, 2021, 07:20:19 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello
« Last post by Dave Administrator on May 14, 2021, 01:03:52 PM »
Hello Dee,,and welcome.

First of all I do offer you my sincere condolences for your very sad loss.

It's still such very early days for you, and of course it's perfectly natural to feel the way you do getting angry, as it's all part of the bereavement process and coming to terms with the shock of the suddenness of loosing him.

You'll find it will help tremendously to unload all the pent up emotions going on inside you at the moment just letting go of them here, and not bottling them up for fear of hurting loved ones around you missing him too.

The pain you are in which will seem unbearable at times I know, I promise you will ease as healing time goes by, but right now just don't push yourself taking baby steps each day until you get a little stronger.

Take care. Dave
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Introducing myself
« Last post by Karena on May 13, 2021, 12:43:47 PM »
I was 49 when i became a widow for the second time - also had no idea how to move forward or what the point of my life was - my daughters had their own families and lived far away one on the other side of the world at the time i had no parents to turn too my mum who was my rock the first time had also died. I was lucky enough to have a couple of good friends but even they didn't live close by - on top of that i had to leave our home because i was down to just my income. I was absolutely at rock bottom but what kept me alive was him - even though he wasn't physically here any longer.

I wanted his memory to live on - not just a name on a headstone or a photo on a mantelpiece of some-one who died but of some-one who lived and whose life could continue to inspire me and others in the new generations.
It started with the funeral - after the service we floated daffodils down the river next to the church from the stepping stones - knowing that the lasting memory of that day for his grand kids would not be of sombre adults in a church but water and splashing and something more fun -  he was a fun person and i wanted him to still be the one behind that . It also became a spot they could send him  flowers or a leaf ( and on one occasion docked lambs tail) if they chose, and is still a place  for picnics when the grand kids are around still fun still his special place even though the younger ones have never met him its still grandads stepping stones.

I went on to go back and plant native daffodils in our favorite camping places and his friends from our camping club sometimes were there - in a way he forced me to go to these places and to keep in contact with them because i was planting them for him and to do that i had to plan to contact people to keep our camper van on the road where i would really have liked just to go to bed and never get up or drink myself into oblivion.
as time went on i did things we said we would but didnt get round too and some things he would have loved to do and i would have sat out of because while i couldnt see a life for myself i was building one through living his for him.
When i moved i set about recreating our garden - the place he loved to be in - it was much smaller but had the same things even some of the original plants that i moved with me. I didn't realize at the time how much that was helping but looking back i do - i dug the pond and wore myself out physically so slept better but also found my self smiling at the way my pond digging had been such a joke between us earning me the pet name swampy -learned to lauhg at myself when i made a silly error knowing he would have laughed with me listened to his voice when i was working out how to do something practical.

On the first anniversary of his death i took the day off work and bought plants to go in a corner i had decided would be dedicated to him - the same way he did in our old garden when my mum died - some-where with his favourite plants the sound of water and the bird feeder he had bought for her and a seat i could go to sit quietly surrounded by the things they loved somewhere to this day i go to relax and suround myself with that love.While i was putting in the plants  i suddenly became aware of the sun on my back and a robin singing so persistently i could not ignore it - i looked up to locate it and somehow looking up in what was only a fleeting moment when i felt briefly happy  was when i started to climb out of  the big hole he left in my life. It was a moment i clung too through darker days ahead telling myself if i could feel happy in that moment there would be more of those moments if i accepted the darkness when it came but hung on and looked for them.

We are all different and what works for one doesnt work for everyone but the principle is the same just different ideas of how to do it. Like Sandra though i have found the greatest healer to be the natural world.

Grief is a long hard journey  a roller coaster where you climb slowly up a hill only to plunge back down again often at really unexpected times but when you think of what makes that roller coaster work other than the engine you have a chain made of lots of pieces and as you go along the links of that chain increase as you add more too it  - it is made of friends and family - of outside support like finding somewhere like this to talk about things that sometimes you cant share with them, and of moments like that when a ray of sun comes out of the dark clouds.

Some of the links may go out of immediate  view and you find new links to add. Some of those take time to find  new interests, new jobs, new young family members new friends etc  you dont think as individual links they can take away your pain  some of them might mean letting go of others or triggering feelings of lonliness without him there to share with you but- the chain drags you up the hill and saves you from derailment when you plunge back down - and over time the thing levels out the ups get less steep and the falls less deep.

What holds the links together is the pins and they are made from the love you shared.That love doesn't go away it changes direction and form but doesn't break and doesn't leave you.

For me this forum was a strong part of the chain. We are not trained counselors just different people brought together by a shared pain of grief.The people here in my darkest days who were further along the journey than me reaching back to give me a helping hand and thats why i am still here, because i hope that i and others already here  can do the same for others just starting out.

Please dont be afraid to come back and grab our hands when you need too we know they are virtual hands but there is genuine friendship behind what is written by them. :hug:
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Introducing myself
« Last post by Dee64 on May 12, 2021, 10:54:42 PM »
Teddy, so sorry for your loss. Iím in a very similar situation to you. My husband passed away in March 2021. Very suddenly and so unexpected. A heart attack. I find it to painful to think or plan any further then the day I am actually in. Thatís after I get over the disappointment of having woken to face another day with out my soul mate.
He was a young 60 year old who enjoyed life, was excited to be returning to near as normal life after the year of madness due to covid. He spent so much time and effort making sure we followed all the rules that we had to live by to stay covid safe only for something else to come along and end his life far too early. I would swop places with him in a heart beat. At 57 years old I dread the thought of living many more years without him.
Itís not where I want to be in my life. I feel exhausted emotionally and there are still plenty of tears. I have no answers other then ...... I really feel your pain and I am hoping that by joining this group we may both gain some reassuring words that will eventually give us some kind of comfort.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Hello
« Last post by Dee64 on May 12, 2021, 09:33:28 PM »
I lost my husband on 10th March this year. It was so sudden and unexpected. One day we were busy getting on with our lifeís, the next day he was gone. I donít feel like I have breathed properly since he passed away. Everyone around me have been so supportive and kind, saying wonderful things  about him but instead of feeling grateful I just feel angry. I donít want their kind words, I want my husband.
🥺😢
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General Discussion / Re: New live chat room
« Last post by Emz2014 on March 23, 2021, 08:10:29 PM »
 :heart:
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