Struggling to support my partner after loosing his Dad

[Nat0813]

Hi I'm Nat I'm really struggling to be there for my partner we lost his dad 4 weeks ago to multiple organ failure so it wasn't an unexpected death not that it makes it any easier!
To start with my partner was very loving and all he wanted was me and the kids. He's always gone to the pub for a few beers with his mates but now he's started drinking more and he's getting very nasty towards me!  I'm emotionally and physically drained and so tired I just need to recharge my batteries get a good night's sleep but when I do try to go to bed when he's not ready when he's had a drink he starts making comments that I'm leaving him on his own n he needs someone to talk to. Iv told him to stay out with his friends if that's helping him but he ends up bringing them home n waking me up iv tried to tell him my homes my haven and my kids but he's not listening  he's saying his friends r his haven but they are not the ones who end up sitting with him on the kitchen floor holding him while he sobs he's told me I'm not doing my job comforting him but how can I when I don't really want to be around him atm I cnt handle all the nasty comments and the constant un called for comments. I already have a history of depression due to an abusive ex. He's never been n e thing like him until now. I know it's part of grieving and taking it out on ur lived ones but to what expense to my mental health ?? How long am I supposed to put up with the drinking and abuse for??? I'm lucky some of his friends have noticed and a few are planning to try n talk some scense into him but what if he won't listen??? He's being very selfish it seems like because it happened 4 weeks ago we have had the funeral and people have stopped showering him with sympathy he's seems to still expect it n now he's not getting it he's taking it out on me! I'm sick of crying due to his actions and words! Am I in the wrong for wanting a quiet weekend to recharge my body n mind it's been a whirlwind few weeks! How am I supposed to help him n deal with it all????

[Emz2014]

Sending you a welcome hug      

Whilst bereavement is a hard journey and does put alot of strain on relationships, and there's bound to be misunderstandings/disagreements due to the mix of emotions it's not acceptable if someone is being abusive.

It's really important that you have some support also, its not easy supporting someone through grief. Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to?

I'm not much of a morning person so am struggling for words/thoughts at the moment xx

[Sandra61]

Hi Nat,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner and his loss and how that is impacting on you.  Four weeks into grief after a loss is still very early days and it sounds like your partner has been hit hard by this loss. It is hard to support anyone who is grieving as no one is their usual self throughout this time and it is hard to know how long it will take for the person who is grieving to begin to get through it. Please understand he is not himself and whatever he is saying to you is not something he would ordinarily say. It comes from the hurt he is experiencing and is not in any way your fault. You are not doing anything wrong, but you will struggle to do anything right in his eyes, because he is not himself at the moment.

I wonder if it might be worth a trip to the doctor to explain what is happening and see if you can persuade your partner to go too and seek grief counselling. He certainly isn't going to find the answer to his pain in a bottle and drinking more will only make things worse. It may be worth trying to help him see this too. You could encourage him to redirect his pain into something more positive, like putting together an album of favourite pictures of his dad and writing down his thoughts and feelings in a journal each day. I did find that helped me get some of those feelings out of my system. Could you ask him to start a memory book, so that he can record there his memories of his dad, so that they will be something for the children to be able to get to know their grandfather through as they grow up? You could also do some research to see if you can find a bereavement group somewhere near you that he could perhaps go to to talk about his loss. These can be useful, especially as the wait for grief counselling can be a long one. Otherwise, instead of encouraging him to go to the pub and talk to his friends there, it may be better to encourage him instead to take walk in the park with you and talk to you about how he is feeling. In a public place, he is less likely to be unkind or to treat you badly and may find it useful to be able to have you just listen to what he has to say. Talking does help.

Could you perhaps also see if it might help him to use this site in some way to help him find support and advice? We are not professionals, but have all arrived here because we have lost someone too and found ourselves looking for the same kind of support and so we will at least know what he is going through and may be able to help with advice or sympathy, if nothing else.

Is his mum still alive? Or does he have any brothers or sisters he could talk to? Would that help, do you think?

All you can do is try to be there for him and try not to be hurt by anything he says to you, understanding that he would not  be acting that way if he were not so upset himself. I know it is hard to support him when he is being like this, but I would encourage him not to drink at this time in his life as it really won't help and talking and thinking will help more, but he needs to be made to feel he can do that safely and honestly and that he won't find any help that comes in a bottle.

Good luck, Nat. I am sure someone else may reply with some better ideas, but that's all I can think of at present. I hope things soon improve. xx

[Nat0813]

Thankyou for your reply. I have a right game trying to get him to the drs for his diabetes  iv got absolutely no chance of him concidering going to get counciling or joining this group. I seriously doubt I can get him to not drink either especially at this time. He can be quiet selfish. Iv suggested going away for weekends with the kids Instead of him going to the pub.  I'm hoping that his friends talk some sense into him and he actually listens to there advice. It's horrible he's come home from work today not spoken a word to me I'm worried if I try n talk to him he's going to snap at me I just feel like I need to stay out of his way.

[Sandra61]

I'm sorry to hear this, Nat. Maybe start on a smaller scale and try to get him out with you and the children to the park or playground for a kick about. That way, when he is ready for a sit down, maybe you could talk a little while the children are playing.

I hope you are right and his friends will be able to help, but this will take time, I'm afraid. I think you just have to keep trying new ways to help him, until you find a few things to do that help. It might help to see if any other members of the family might talk to him about his grief too, as they will be going through the same. A brother or sister or his mum, if any such relatives are around.

Don't give up though, Nat. It's a long rocky road, but he will come through this and so will you. If you can't get him to seek help, do go to your doctor yourself for advice and support. In the meantime, try not to take anything he says or does to heart. He probably doesn't mean to be unkind. He's just hurting and isn't himself. Try to remember that when he says something that upsets you. You are the same person. He is not at present. This is not your fault. xx

[Karena]

Firstly and understandably your experience with your ex is going to make you feel more vulnerable and maybe take to heart the nasty things he says potentially more than if you hadnt been through that experience in the past, so if you can, try and separate that it might help you,  because despite his current behaviour he is not your ex, and his normal behaviour before this happened wasnt abusive and as Sandra says it isnt your fault -he is the one lashing out and  he has temporailly changed but this doesnt necessarilly mean a permanant change.He is trying to deal with grief and getting into a cycle of feeling drink helps which in reality it doesnt because its a very temporary fix which then adds to depression.

Its very early days and often people disapear from your life after the funeral leaving you to deal with the aftermath of emotions,guilt,anger depression being just three of the more common ones, but also sometimes there is a defense mechanism in our brains which tells us we wont get hurt again if we dont love other people - so we can try and put a barrier up and push them away - this also passes because of course we cant just cut off love for  other people especially not our children, but this isnt a rational journey,so maybe he is  subconsciousely trying too do that with you.

Secondly his drinking is a form of self medicating,rather than facing his emotions so its likely he claims he feels better on a night out because of that, rather than because of being with his friends.Alcahol is a depressant and he may feel better at the time he is drinking it but then feels worse when it wears off and unfortunately thats when he gets home to you - there is also a physical element too it more pronounced with him because of his diabetes -alcahol is loaded with sugar so he will be getting spikes of sugar which quickly drop and that also creates massive mood swings.I have seen normally nice people with diabetes turn into some-one completely different when it gets out of control - they cant help it, its nuerological but it can be devastating for relationships.
I agree with Ems try and get him to spend more time with the kids -take them to the park - for picnics -or days out, then build up to weekends away later because a weekend away right now might turn into a disaster, he may feel he shouldnt be enjoying himself for a whole weekend - its the illogical guilt thing that happens pretty much to everyone the first time we laugh or do something enjoyable,so for now shorter time gaps may well be better

The friends that have noticed and are concerned could maybe help by arranging to do things other than drinking - a lads day out, go- carting or laser shooting, or something more adventurous, white water rafting,climbing etc (within the boundaries of controling his diabetes of course) - Being outdoors is always a good healer and physical activity a good way to expend pent up emotions we might otherwise try and drown in alcahol.If he isnt into physical activity then a day fishing can be therapeutic i,m told.  Anything that will take him away from the pub and help him realise he doesnt have to go there to be with his mates and he doesnt have to drink to feel better even temporarilly.
Telling him not to drink but then not replacing the solace he perceives it is bringing him, with an alternative is less likely to work, than putting something in place which gives him less time to drink and an alternative more healthy means to self medicate ,so he feels less need too and hopefully slows down on it himself though his own choice rather than being told not too.

Also i suspect he may have attracted some hangers on who see an opportunity to carry on drinking back at your house rather than concern for his health and relationships so maybe less time in the pub means he might drop some of the not so good mates who may well be encouraging him to stay and have another.

meanwhile take what time you can to be kind too yourself and have that time out even if its just a long bath and candles or a good bookk/film or even something mindful like colouring books because you need to keep up your strength and look after yourself if you are going to be able to help him.