3 years 8 months 27 days

[longedge]

... and it still hurts like hell. I just wish that I could kick myself up the backside, like I know Chris would've done 

[longedge]

Just watched "Philomena". It's a dramatisation but it's put things back in perspective for me.

[Karena]

I havnt seen the film George - but sending you hugs 
At around four years there was something else which i think bothered me, which was that if i did move forward i would leave him behind, and i didnt want to do that -grief for him was all i had left and so letting go of grief meant letting go of him again and standing on that cliff edge again.
Then i read about a grief theory called continuing bonds and it was like some-one lifted a big rock off my shoulders because it basically says you dont have to be "cured of grief" acceptance isnt the last stage and then you move on and forget some-one  because how can we possibly do that, but acceptance that the bond has changed but not been brocken, the bond is a flexible thing which changes but doesnt ever have to be bocken and acceptance is that we will sometimes still be upset and we we will always miss them,but that we can take them with us -its ok to still feel hurt and sad, but its also ok to move forward - when you think about it in life, we have a bond with our parents but is isnt static it changes and flexes as we grow and form bonds with other people but it doesnt break so why would any other, especially when that person has not deliberately  hurt us and we still love them just as we always did.

Now, 8 years in and even though it is much less of the overwhelmingly dominant factor of my life to feel that way and much more that i can take him with me and go forward,there are times when the sorrow takes over again, so there can  be much of the proverbial kicking - but when you do kick yourself do it gently because it is OK to feel as you do and trying to pretend you dont isnt  going to help, while we can all become expert actors in front of others,we need to be true too ourselves.   

[Sandra61]

Hi George,

I watched Philomena too last week. It's the second time I have seen it and I found it very moving both times. I love films about real life events. I think they help us make sense of our own lives and of ourselves too, so if it helped you, I am glad.

As I think I have said before, I don't think there is any time limit on dealing with grief and we will probably spend the rest of our lives dealing with it in some way, but you have to kick yourself a little along the way, because we are still here and need to make the gift of that time into the best experience that we can. It doesn't mean you let go of your grief or are betraying those you have lost, rather, as you indicate, you need to look to make the best of your future as is possible and in that way, live up to the expectations the person you have lost would have had of you.

Keep going, George. Every day is a new chance to move forward and make the future better. Just do what you can and make the effort. It is hard, but nothing good will happen unless you put that effort in. 

[longedge]

  I'm afraid that "putting effort in" has always been my weak point. I was born lazy  but here we are and we keep going one way or another.

The big problem for me is taking joy in anything e.g. I spent some time with the family yesterday. Had a BBQ and dangled my new great grandson on my knee and all I could think was how sad it was that Chris couldn't be there to enjoy him. I could only console myself with the memories of how blissful she was when his dad was newly born and she went out with him in the pushchair. Came home on cloud nine because several people had mistaken her for a his mother 

Ho hum, just keep on keeping on eh.

[Sandra61]

Hi George,

Born lazy? I don't believe that! No one is born lazy, you just get bogged down by life sometimes and find some things make life seem like wading through treacle. I think loss is one of those things. It does semi-paralyse you so that you don't know what to do to help yourself.

It sounds like your family BBQ went exactly as I would have expected it to do. You had a good time with your family, but at the same time, it reminded you of the absence of your wife and of the days when you had a little one too. That sounds perfectly natural to me, I went to Aylesford Priory the Sunday before last. We used to make annual pilgrimages there when my mum and dad were alive and I missed going, so decided I would go on my own. I was so glad I did. It was sad because I could see images of my mum and dad in my minds eye everywhere I went there and was reminded of all the lovely days out we had spent together there, but at the same time I was so happy to be back and so relieved to be able to go back. I loved seeing all the changes to the place, as well as seeing all the familiar spots as well again. They have made a beautiful new peace garden there. It was so beautiful and built a new tea room and shop and put a new little rose garden near those. I was so pleased to see them. The old magic of the place has not disappeared either and I immediately felt the old reassuring peace of the place walking around there. It was good to know it can still work its magic on me after all these years and all the water that's passed under the bridge over the years.

I think it is natural to feel as you did at your family BBQ, but you need to do things that give you a sense of your own life continuing too. I have a dance to go to tonight and I know I will be thinking how much my mum would have enjoyed it if she could have been there too, but at the same time, I will have a great time and a lot of fun. You can be happy and sad in different ways at the same time, but at least you are still living and doing things that are good for you and making your own life enjoyable. You can't sit at home and grieve and think all the time. It isn't good for you and although you will spend some time doing that, you have to go out and look for things that still make your own life good as well. As my dance teacher says, there are shortcuts to happiness and dancing is one of them, and he is right! It releases endorphins that make you feel good. Why not give it a try, George? The other good thing about it is that quite  a few of the people who go are people who have been bereaved and looking for something to improve their lot after a loss. It does seem to help and you can chat to new people and make new friends. It all helps move you forward and shows you life can still contain good things as well as the sadness you already feel. You need to create a balance between the two I think.

As you say, George, you have to keep on keeping on and find things that help you to do that. Born lazy? Nonsense! Just get out and try something! Philomena, that's one good Judi Dench film, how about The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. That one holds some good lessons too! 

[longedge]

Dancing - me - you don't know what you're saying  . If I'm walking about, I need a stick and always walk alongside a wall or something else I can grab if necessary. I was recently doing a bit of weeding in the front garden and had to step over the lavender border, a second later I was flat on my back on the drive. Had a quick look round to make sure nobody had seen me and struggled back to my feet  .

My mum used to say that the only problem she had with me at bedtime was to stop me sneaking up to bed too early  but that was in days that go back before my earliest memories

[Sandra61]

Sounds like you got stuck in some of that treacle, George!  Well, as I say, you just need to find your equivalent. My mum used to go to a lunch club twice a week and they would all stay for bingo and a chat after and she did that till the government removed the funding and it closed. I guess that was her equivalent activity for a long time. I still think older people are neglected in this country. I also know some older folk who enjoy meeting up to play Bridge and someone else who likes to go and watch his local football team play too. That gentleman also tried cookery classes more for the social aspect than the lessons and really enjoyed that. I think you just have to use what you have an interest in to find a social activity that will add another dimension to your life and give you something to look forward to doing. You never know what it will add to your world or where it may lead, but it will improve your enjoyment of life. As I also said before, we may be older, but we are not yet dead!

I went along to my dance last night and I think it's the best one I've been to. It had a 1950s theme and lots of people made the effort to get dressed up in 50's style outfits and they played great music from that time and a fabulous time was had by all - including my 91 year old friend, Ray, who was sporting a short sleeved multi-coloured shirt in honour of the theme and despite his dodgy knee and cataracts, got up and did the jive and the waltz and the cha cha and the rumba.    In fact, he was in such high demand, I didn't even get a dance with him last night and had to put up with 'hello' and a wave! He is certainly an inspiration. Think on, George! 

[Karena]

I have a 1950,s themed wedding to go too at the end of the month - seriousely -bobby socks and wide dresses with petticoats that fit tightly to my non existant waist is a nightmare scenario for me - - so bah humbug i wont be doing that, i thought maybe there was a different kind of uniform for older women but could only think of mrs cunningham from happy days - and guess what, she has a tiny waist too and some kind of lavish bun thing on her head  -i also have to drive to this so it wouldnt be just be in the venue i have to look so daft.

 plus i dont know any of those kind of dances  so wont be hitting the floor (or if i do it will be because i slipped on some-ones spilt beer on my way out to the exit. - imagine that with a short flary skirt and petticoats ) noooo not happening.

Anyway back on track George, one thing my mum did join was classes, from memory she did art,archaeology,horticulture but theres other stuff out there -it makes sense to me that if you are not confident joining groups (and i am not) in doing something like that everyone there has the subject of interest in common but also the attention is on the teacher for most of the time so you more naturally would build up conversations in breaks ect around the subject rather than trying to think what to say and then only coming up with the weather.But the subject itslef would be something you could carry on outside that class as well  and gradually build up an interest.