Hello Patrece,
So sorry to hear of what you are going through. Sending you a welcome hug.
You are not alone in experiencing delayed grief and there are members here who are going through similar experiences. Have you considered asking your GP to refer you for counselling? Grief counselling might help you explore the feelings you have and help you to deal with them. It is not unusual even after many years to suddenly feel as if a loss occurred just yesterday or to still have problems dealing with it after years have passed. Such pain and love cannot be turned off like a tap and will always be with us. It becomes part of who we are and is a comfort in some ways. It means the love remains also and the memories and we have to be thankful that we get to keep those at least.
It often helps too to write things down and that also helps you order your thoughts and understand your feelings and it helps to release the guilt and pain by providing a release for them. Just write down all your memories of that time and how you felt about them then and how you feel about them now, how you felt about the person you lost and how you feel now, the things you loved and miss about him and the way you have felt over the years. It can help to write it in the form of a letter to him, as then you can say all those unsaid things that you perhaps never said to him when he was alive and that may help to bring you some closure.
You could also visit the grave and places you used to go to together. It would perhaps help you explore the memories you have and that might help you come to terms with the loss too.
I am sure others will have good advice to offer. I know some of our members have arrived here with similar feelings and experiences. Hopefully some of them may have some advice for you also. Wishing you well.
