2 months since my wife died

[onmyown]

Hi everyone
My wife died in early March from metastatic beast cancer which spread to her brain. We were together 38 years. I cared for her at home until 2 days before she died when she was admitted to the local hospice as I could no longer provide the care that she needed. As a family we were not permitted to have the funeral that we had planned as it was limited to close family only and the venue we had booked afterwards was closed.
Since the funeral I have seen one of my daughters at a distance once since lockdown restrictions were eased and apart from absolutely essential trips to the chemist and for food I haven't been further than the garden which I guess I can be grateful for as not everyone has a garden.
The first couple of weeks after my wife died I spent informing the bank, utilities, council tax etc etc. I did this on autopilot and broke down frequently until the day of the funeral.
The funeral was extremely hard on everyone with lots of family and friends missing, I cried throughout the service and as soon as it was finished I was ushered away to a waiting car to be taken home.
For the first 6 weeks or so I cried almost continually and ate very little and it wasn't until I could no longer keep my trousers up I decided to weigh myself, I had lost over 2 stone. I guess at this point I realised that I had spent so long cooking 3 meals a day for my wife that I didn't want to cook for one. I couldn't face the idea of going to the supermarket so managed to get an online shop and bought some ready meals, maybe not the best food but better than no food.
By the end of 8 weeks I really did think that I was going to have a heart attack as the pain was so intense, I ended up climbing into bed thinking well this is what it's like to die and to be honest I didn't care if I lived or died. I managed to fall asleep and woke the next day still with an aching heart and full of tears.
This Wednesday coming would have been my wifes 54th Birthday and it will be exactly 11 weeks since she died and I dread it knowing that I can't be with her.

[Sandra61]

So very sorry to hear of the loss of your wife. Sending you a welcome hug.  You sum up very well what it feels like to be in that early period of grieving. I am so sorry. It brings back the memory of what it felt like a couple of years ago for me after I lost my mum.

There isn't much I can say to help you feel better, other than that all of us here understand how you are feeling and hard as it may be for you to believe now, it does get better. How long that takes and how hard it is to walk that road though is just a terrible journey that we all have to make at some point.

The only  advice I can give is that you try to take care of yourself and try to do anything that helps. For me, that was having flowers around to lift my spirits a little, walking in the park and sitting on a bench to try to take it all in and putting together an album of pictures of my mum to look at when I needed to. It also helped to write down what I was thinking about and how I was feeling each day. Writing does seem to help and I think it might help you to try it. It somehow seems to help get some of the weight and stress of it all out of your system.

Try to eat and drink enough and remember that your wife will always be with you in your heart and in your memories and so will never truly be gone from you. Going forward, try to think what she would have wanted for you and gradually try to show yourself the concern and love that she would have done, in her memory and in honour of the life you shared together.

We are here for as long as you need us. 

[onmyown]

Hi Sandra
Thanks for your kind welcome to the forum and your kind words. I have to admit that I have been keeping a concise diary which goes back to the start of the year before my wife died. This was to mainly keep track of medications and any changes, near the end I felt like I was the only person who knew how many and what times medication was needed. The diary continued after my wife died.
I realised that however bad I felt that I wasn't the first person to lose my beloved and that there must be other men out there that have gone through the same experience.
I watched a video about Vinnie Jones the footballer who lost his wife in similar circumstances and a lot of it made sense what he was saying. I also watched a video about Liam Neeson and how he fared when he lost his wife. The videos helped a bit and the first thing I do when I get up is make the bed and get dressed ready for another day. I set myself small tasks to complete and if I manage to get them done then thats great but if not that task rolls over to the next day. One thing that I try to explain to my daughters is that they lost their Mum but since my wife died there have been over 30,000 deaths from coronavirus which means that as much as we feel empty and alone there are many many more families going through the pain of bereavement.
I have to agree that writing is a distraction albeit only for a short time but I guess it helps to put down how you are feeling. I have ordered my wifes favourite flowers to celebrate her birthday on Wednesday and intend to leave them on her mothers grave as my wife was cremated and doesn't have a grave.
We will have a memorial service for my wife once the rest of the world returns to some sort of normal. Well its 8am now and time for me to push the vacuum round and once that is done I have another couple of jobs I need to get done. Take care everyone.

[Karena]

Also sending you a warm welcome -  every day you get up and make the bed and hoover and just function is a massive achievement in those early days. It takes longer than we imagine and its a roller coaster - i too found writing helps and writing here because if you have to make words into readable sentences it means you have to make sense in your own head as well and sometimes  sorting through your own emotions is like plaiting fog.

I dont have a grave for my husband but after my mum died he created a special corner in our garden with bird feeder because she loved to watch the birds a little fountain he made from copper a seat and her favourite plants. When he then  died i had to move house and brought what i could of that garden with me - adding new plants that were his favourite and digging a pond because he used to love watching the wildlife in the one we had there.

Its just a nice place to go and sit -a memorial but not one filled with sadness - and creating it helped me - gave me a purpose in life that i needed to have to keep going forward and take him with me just in a different way to his physical presence.MAybe you could do something in your garden special to you that would also help you.