Author Topic: Dreading Christmas and lack of support  (Read 11 times)

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Offline SarahB

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Dreading Christmas and lack of support
« on: November 23, 2021, 02:30:14 PM »

Hi everyone

I've been absent for a long time, so I hope it is okay to come back as I really could use someone to talk to. I hope you are all ok and have managed as best you can throughout the pandemic.

It's the time of year again that I start to feel very down. It was around this time 2 years ago that my Mum took very ill and the 2nd anniversary of her death is on 7 December. In many ways I feel that time has stood still and I can't believe I haven't seen my beloved Mummy in nearly 2 years.  It just feels wrong.

I recently moved into my Mum and Dad's house so that has been a big step too.

I hate Christmas. My family and I haven't been able to enjoy a proper Christmas in years really. My brother struggled with alcoholism (he's over a year sober now yay!) which ruined many Christmas' in the years before Mum died. As some of you may know my Dad is dead too and I'm only 45, lost him when I was 23.

I feel I have had no support whatsoever from people who I did think were close friends. Sure at the time, with the passing and her funeral they were all full on - on the day of the funeral at least. Then the guy (a gay guy) who I thought was my closest friend disappeared on holiday with his latest boyfriend and I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. Not even one text and that was the immediate aftermath of her death. My closest girlfriend has a small child, but she doesn't visit either. I've known her for nearly 14 years and she has never once made the half hour journey to my house. Other girlfriends manage to leave their children with their fathers or parents but she just refuses to. The little girl is now 4.  My other male gay friend who was here when Mum died has been off the scene for the 2 years and I don't hear from him, yet even during Covid I saw pictures of him at parties and outings.

I feel totally alone and without meaning to frighten anyone, the thought of suicide does creep into my head more often now than it did - but in a peaceful way. I feel that no one cares. I don't see my brother very often and although he really is so supportive in many ways, he is always, always busy at work and even when I've arranged to meet him for coffee he is rushing off somewhere else. To be honest I am really only living for my cats at the moment.

The first gay friend I told you about continues to be a total lack of support. He has just flown to South America to meet a new lover (in a red zone!!!) and seems to care more about that guy getting over to the UK for Christmas than he cares about one of his best friends (allegedly!) being alone.  I will be totally alone at Christmas and I don't think I can cope with it. It's too hard.  My gay friend (1) hides things from me because he is too spineless to tell me the truth but one look at social media will show all the things he is getting up to (some of them with people who were my friends first) over Christmas, that I haven't been invited to.

I feel like they are a weight round my neck but I'm too scared to ditch them because I feel that Gay 1 has control over the lot of them - he refers to himself as The Puppetmaster - and they will believe anything he says. He still has his parents and even a grandmother for support.

In many ways I feel he is trying to destroy me so maybe I should give him what he wants and just die. He makes out to everyone he's this wonderful friend but I have to have an appointment to see him because he is NEVER in. My Mum was very good to him as well and paid for him to go on a holiday with me for one of my birthdays. He swore to her he'd always be there for me but he never is.  I have to put on a brave face all the time because he once accused me of having 'too high expectations' so I'm afraid to ask for anything incase it's 'too much', but all I really want is a little support.  He said he'd help with my house move and decorating etc and it is yet to happen and I'm here since August.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I feel angry and bitter and feel like screaming at them 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???' I don't know where they have all been but it is always me who runs after them, puts in the effort, goes to visit the girl with the child, buys the gifts etc and I just feel like saying 'you know what f off I'm not doing this anymore!'

I'm not sure if anyone else has ever felt like this but do you ever wish that it would happen to someone else? Part of me, although I'm not a nasty person just wants Gay 1 taken down a peg or two and for something to happen to give him a reality check. All he does is break Covid rules and still has all his family.  I'm so angry and disappointed in him but I have to act like everything is ok.

I don't know what to do. I'm 45 and unlikely to meet new friends at this stage, or so I'm told.

I don't understand why this has only happened to me and none of them. I don't understand why they not to care. I know unless you've been through it it's hard to grasp but I would have thought there would be SOME more support or thought, instead of Gay 1 saying really thoughtless things like 'Oh last Christmas was just awful!' because his new squeeze who he hadn't met being stranded in South America or 'We all have struggles' when I bring up my Mum's death. He has even started going out with acquaintances of mine whom he said he didn't like a very short time ago. But because he seems so popular I'm reluctant to cut him off - even though I feel like he is a massive weight around my shoulders, accusing me of anything from being 'too sensitive' to 'exhausting'.

I don't know what to do and this post really isn't all about him, it's about the lack of support I feel I have and the dread I feel coming up to what for me is the worst time of the year. I just don't think anyone cares enough to even ask me how I'm doing.

I'm sorry!  Sorry this is so long. But I really don't think my death would cost them anything.


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