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General Discussion / Dreading Christmas and lack of support
« Last post by SarahB on November 23, 2021, 02:30:14 PM »

Hi everyone

I've been absent for a long time, so I hope it is okay to come back as I really could use someone to talk to. I hope you are all ok and have managed as best you can throughout the pandemic.

It's the time of year again that I start to feel very down. It was around this time 2 years ago that my Mum took very ill and the 2nd anniversary of her death is on 7 December. In many ways I feel that time has stood still and I can't believe I haven't seen my beloved Mummy in nearly 2 years.  It just feels wrong.

I recently moved into my Mum and Dad's house so that has been a big step too.

I hate Christmas. My family and I haven't been able to enjoy a proper Christmas in years really. My brother struggled with alcoholism (he's over a year sober now yay!) which ruined many Christmas' in the years before Mum died. As some of you may know my Dad is dead too and I'm only 45, lost him when I was 23.

I feel I have had no support whatsoever from people who I did think were close friends. Sure at the time, with the passing and her funeral they were all full on - on the day of the funeral at least. Then the guy (a gay guy) who I thought was my closest friend disappeared on holiday with his latest boyfriend and I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. Not even one text and that was the immediate aftermath of her death. My closest girlfriend has a small child, but she doesn't visit either. I've known her for nearly 14 years and she has never once made the half hour journey to my house. Other girlfriends manage to leave their children with their fathers or parents but she just refuses to. The little girl is now 4.  My other male gay friend who was here when Mum died has been off the scene for the 2 years and I don't hear from him, yet even during Covid I saw pictures of him at parties and outings.

I feel totally alone and without meaning to frighten anyone, the thought of suicide does creep into my head more often now than it did - but in a peaceful way. I feel that no one cares. I don't see my brother very often and although he really is so supportive in many ways, he is always, always busy at work and even when I've arranged to meet him for coffee he is rushing off somewhere else. To be honest I am really only living for my cats at the moment.

The first gay friend I told you about continues to be a total lack of support. He has just flown to South America to meet a new lover (in a red zone!!!) and seems to care more about that guy getting over to the UK for Christmas than he cares about one of his best friends (allegedly!) being alone.  I will be totally alone at Christmas and I don't think I can cope with it. It's too hard.  My gay friend (1) hides things from me because he is too spineless to tell me the truth but one look at social media will show all the things he is getting up to (some of them with people who were my friends first) over Christmas, that I haven't been invited to.

I feel like they are a weight round my neck but I'm too scared to ditch them because I feel that Gay 1 has control over the lot of them - he refers to himself as The Puppetmaster - and they will believe anything he says. He still has his parents and even a grandmother for support.

In many ways I feel he is trying to destroy me so maybe I should give him what he wants and just die. He makes out to everyone he's this wonderful friend but I have to have an appointment to see him because he is NEVER in. My Mum was very good to him as well and paid for him to go on a holiday with me for one of my birthdays. He swore to her he'd always be there for me but he never is.  I have to put on a brave face all the time because he once accused me of having 'too high expectations' so I'm afraid to ask for anything incase it's 'too much', but all I really want is a little support.  He said he'd help with my house move and decorating etc and it is yet to happen and I'm here since August.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I feel angry and bitter and feel like screaming at them 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???' I don't know where they have all been but it is always me who runs after them, puts in the effort, goes to visit the girl with the child, buys the gifts etc and I just feel like saying 'you know what f off I'm not doing this anymore!'

I'm not sure if anyone else has ever felt like this but do you ever wish that it would happen to someone else? Part of me, although I'm not a nasty person just wants Gay 1 taken down a peg or two and for something to happen to give him a reality check. All he does is break Covid rules and still has all his family.  I'm so angry and disappointed in him but I have to act like everything is ok.

I don't know what to do. I'm 45 and unlikely to meet new friends at this stage, or so I'm told.

I don't understand why this has only happened to me and none of them. I don't understand why they not to care. I know unless you've been through it it's hard to grasp but I would have thought there would be SOME more support or thought, instead of Gay 1 saying really thoughtless things like 'Oh last Christmas was just awful!' because his new squeeze who he hadn't met being stranded in South America or 'We all have struggles' when I bring up my Mum's death. He has even started going out with acquaintances of mine whom he said he didn't like a very short time ago. But because he seems so popular I'm reluctant to cut him off - even though I feel like he is a massive weight around my shoulders, accusing me of anything from being 'too sensitive' to 'exhausting'.

I don't know what to do and this post really isn't all about him, it's about the lack of support I feel I have and the dread I feel coming up to what for me is the worst time of the year. I just don't think anyone cares enough to even ask me how I'm doing.

I'm sorry!  Sorry this is so long. But I really don't think my death would cost them anything.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Loss of partner
« Last post by Nicdt on October 30, 2021, 08:55:56 AM »
I lost my future long term partner to pancreatic cancer in complicated circumstances for weeks ago. This is my second bereavement and Iím struggling to deal with it all. I have never suffered from panic attacks or anxiety but they have arrived with a vengeance now.
I've not been on this forum for quite a long time now; in fact I just logged in because I wanted to start a new topic/query, and before doing so read back my old posts. And I definitely allowed myself a smile when reading this thread!  I promised to report back with how my date went, back in May 2019... so here goes: sorry it's a little late!!

It went brilliantly! Conversation flowed very naturally and I enjoyed myself more than I could possibly have guessed possible. It turned into another date, and another, and another, and we both realised it was becoming serious. Sue and I formally moved in together just before lockdown started, which is where we are now (and if lockdown wasn't a good enough test of a relationship, I don't know what is!).   This is hopefully for keeps now; we are really good together, and I am happier again than I would ever have thought possible.   Crucially for me, Sue gets on famously with my (adult) kids, too, they are really supportive of the relationship and are delighted that I've 'found' somebody.

One of the things I love about Sue is that she's 100% understanding of my widower status. As I mentioned in a previous post she knew my late wife, Ann, and is very comfortable talking about her when appropriate; there's none of this awkward walking on eggshells: Ann is actually something we both had in common.   Sue fully understands that I adored Ann and that but for the dreaded Big C we would still be happily together, and told me early on that she totally gets that this makes her my 'second choice'. Which was a bit cringey to hear her say, but we both know it's basically the truth and I love that she's comfortable with that and is open enough to say it out loud.   Her take on the situation is that she really admires the long, happy and faithful marriage I had with Ann, and that the experience makes me the sort of person that she can envisage spending the rest of her life with.

I certainly haven't forgotten about Ann and do still think about her a lot.  Ann was undoubtedly the love of my life, yet I now love Sue, though, too - and that's such a strange, weird feeling which is almost impossible to describe.  I find I can't think about them at the same time - it's as if my brain simply can't process it and will explode if I try.  The best way I can describe it to myself (and you guys here; absolutely nobody else!) is that the two of them live in two different rooms in my brain. The two doors are always closed.  I spend most of my time now living in Sue's room, but sometimes, when I'm alone, I just nip out into Ann's for a while.  Is that weird?

So that's me now.  I hope that my experience might help someone else who was where I was a few years ago...
So sorry for you loss . I know one of the hardest losses  to bare is a mothers loss ! It is a irreplaceable loss .
I haven't been on this site for a while but every once  in a while I have the need  to return ! I
I have also lost my mum a long time ago and it never goes away ! I xx
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Clousure
« Last post by Mandyo550 on October 08, 2021, 08:30:59 PM »
How does anyone carry on without closure !  Life goes on but without getting closure it's living a life without knowing what really happened ! I have moved on to a certain extent but it's a never ending of not really knowing !

Hi I've not been here for a while but from time to time I just need  to log on and chat to people in similar situations ! Not for just me but to chat and maybe help  with experiences that people are going through x
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Life Without My Brother
« Last post by estherelyse on October 04, 2021, 06:20:35 AM »
Life without my brother is no life at all. There's three things that I can say that keep me here, otherwise there'd be no purpose in my life. Life changed FOREVER when I lost my brother. I'd never think in a million years my brother would be gone, I assumed we'd be together forever. I've failed my brother, you wouldn't understand what I mean by that unless you've felt it too. Maybe one day I can forgive myself, I don't know. Has my brother forgiven me, I don't know. He's gone now and I hope there is this beautiful Heaven like people say so I can see him again. Tell him how much I  love and miss him,hug him, kiss him and never let him go. And ask for forgiveness;
Sorry for your loss of your grammie/mom. Try to think of the happy memories you've shared together and they will stay with you forever. I understand when you question your purpose, I too question/have questioned the same thing. I have 3 responsibilities in my life,they are my purpose. Without them I question my life. I'm here on this forum because I lost my brother, my only sibling. And life as I knew it, changed forever.  It's beneficial that your going to therapy and also that you stopped drinking which can lead to health problems later in life. I should go for therapy because I have alot of things on my mind and complicated grief. It's good to have someone to share that with that you can trust. And someone that will listen to you.
Take care friend  :hug:

Stop looking for the purpose in all life! 
Start looking for your purpose while alive!
You'll find it!

Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: My Brother 💔
« Last post by Karena on September 09, 2021, 10:06:12 AM »
 :hug: I,m sure you will - its just getting over the hurdle of going back that's the really difficult thing - the first time i went i came back  disappointed - i think i was trying too hard - expecting some kind of miracle where he actually was there in person in front of me - after that i was more relaxed about it all focusing on the dolphins or just sitting on the harbour wall literally like the song dock of the bay watching the waves seagulls boats etc  between them showing up.
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