ALL ALONE

[Jill]

I think I realise now why this is so difficult.  I have had a lot of very kind people helping me since my husband died.  But what I realise is they can't know what I am going through because they haven't been here.  Unless you have been married for 25 years to someone who is easy-going, kind-hearted, unselfish and completely on the same page as you, you are never going to understand.  I am trying to sell the house we bought together, when he was in good health, and move back to England.  I am only taking back a car-load of stuff and leaving everything else here.  So I have had to get rid of all our things that I remember buying and choosing together.  A lot of things have very romantic memories for me and I have cried over so many things that have had to go.  It has been very difficult but I don't want to stay here, it is too painful.  I see little things he has made and jobs he has done everywhere and it breaks my heart.  I know some people will understand what I am saying but other people won't because they haven't been here.  I put on this happy face, I don't really know why I do that, but I do.  When we did all these things it was for the present and the future and now that future with him is gone.  When I read other people's letters and replies on here, I at least know someone understands so I am just sharing my feelings.  I miss him so much, I know I always will, the more you love someone, the more you miss them.  Broken hearted J.

[Karena]

 :hug:I had to move as well although not so drastically as you so i was able to take a lot with me but at some point i will have to do it again and downsize drastically  - my younger daughter bought me an album and sugested i take photos of things that have to go in it so i will always have those reminders if not the real thing - maybe thats something you could do - i know its not the same at all  and maybe in the future you will find you cant bear to look at them, but then again maybe you will find comfort from it and you cant really know that now but if it exists you will have the choice later.
I think also its difficult to see it but we dont exist because of our posessions and a special relationship isnt dependant on them even though they are important symbols of it especially when it is somehing they have created, but the love between you is something that can never be lost even when the symbols are.

[Jill]

Thanks Karena, strangely enough I was only thinking today that people are important, possessions aren't.  I have kept quite a few things that remind me of him, especially the lovely cards he gave me for birthdays and anniversaries.  He always wrote a lovely message in them.  As you say he will be with me always. I do appreciate your help in getting through it.  Jill

[Karena]

I have a hand drawn on computer paper coloured in wih felt tip card with a daft message in that made me laugh which he gave me for valentines day i am so glad now i kept that at the time because it means so much now and still makes me smile - it is the little things and the silly things -that become important.

he took out a faulty heater matrix from the campervan and left it on the kitchen windowsill -i had asked him to move it a few times - he was terrible for keeping things - you wouldnt believe how many used brake pads i threw out when i left there - but with the matrix  it was one of those stand offs - the kind you have with the laundry basket - so after a while i put a post it note on it saying "move me" - came home and he had put a glass test tube (Dont ask me why he had such a thing i have no idea) in the pipe end and put a rose in it - so then of course it became his "repurposed vase" a piece of modern art which couldnt be thrown out and "one day will fetch us a fortune and be in the tate housed in a glass cage"   it didnt of course, but it became the place we carried on leaving daft or romantic stuff for each other - i still have it and again it still makes me smile.

But you are right it is the people not posessions that are important. and if we cant keep them all and they give some-one else pleasure then maybe thats their purpose and thats surely a good thing:hug:

[Jill]

Well Karena, you and I are lucky to have these lovely memories, I know that.  I have kept some lovely things but he is kind of always with me.  I know he will always be on my side.  Jill

[Karena]

 :hug:of course he will and over time you will start to feel he is by your side and look around for him but then find you dont need to look - you just know.