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Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Sarah83 on March 14, 2019, 02:26:28 PM

Title: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 14, 2019, 02:26:28 PM
Hi,

Its coming up to the one year anniversary since I lost my Dad and I'm really struggling.  He died of Lung cancer and I was with him when he took his final breath.  My dad was my best friend and since he has gone all the joy has gone from my life.

I feel like I am failing badly. I have a 3 year old who was only 6 months old when he got diagnosed and I feel bad that her whole life has been about my dad and his cancer.  Now that he has gone I'm just a rubbish mum to her because I'm so sad.  I keep telling myself that my dad would be so upset if he could see me now but I can't seem to get the energy to change. 

I go over and over how scared he must have been to know he was dying, my Dad would hate to be dead.

Now I'm going through a divorce (which is a good thing) but I really need my Dad here, he would have been my support.

I cant believe I will never see him again.  This is so much more painful then I could ever imagine. Sometimes I wish that I went with him but then I would leave people behind and they would feel the pain like I am.

Will this ever get any better??????
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on March 15, 2019, 11:24:50 AM
Hi Sarah, sending you a warm welcome. :hug: -I know how it feels when the person you could rely on for support has gone as when my husband died my mum had died a few years before.

Firstly you need to stop thinking you are a crap mum, of course you are not, you are human like the rest of us and it is a real struggle with a baby/toddler for anyone let alone when you have had such a trauma to deal with on top of that.

My sugestion would be that when the dust settles a bit from the divorce, you try and make it not about your dads cancer for her, but about his whole life - I was determined my grandkids would know about their grandad - and because of that the younger ones who wernt even born then also know about him as the older ones have passed it down.

One of the things a lot of people do is put together a memory box with their children - perhaps yours is a little young but not necessarilly so to sit with you for a while as you do it just for small bursts of time -and she will listen a you talk - 3 year olds often suprise us with things like that.

Basically a box or even a scrap book with photos and momentos, and if you dont have many of them  write about things you did together as you grew up.

There are other things as well though - i once came across a laminated letter that had been tied to a tree - on top of a hill in the middle of no-where -which was written from a daughter too her dad about how it had been a favourite place to come and how much she missed him, it was really moving to read and so in a way by also telling a casual passer by about his life, making sure others knew something of him too.- something there would never be room for or could never be written on a headstone.

After the funeral service we floated daffodills down the nearby river - as it passes just about everywhere he ever lived in his life -but also because i didnt want the childrens last memorys of his life to be the sadness of a funeral - and naturally, give children water and a mission and it is going to turn into something more fun and i want them to think of him that way rather than with sadness.

But then later we told them they could send grandad messges the same way -as long as it wasnt something that would harm the river - (grandad loved his wildlife)  and over the years ithey have sent flowers, bits of grass, twigs, some docked lambs tails (dont ask) tiny rice paper boats with messages written on, and the younger ones do it too - we dont have a headstone, but in a way that part of the river has become a living memorial - we take picnics down there - i planted native daffodils on the banking -obviousely not eveyone can do things to that extent or have a convenient river nearby  - but maybe there is a special place you spent time with your dad that you can pass on to her, You can create something with your little one that will come to mean much more as she grows.
If you have a garden plant a tree that will grow with her - if there isnt room or you might have to move - a planter with his favourite flowers or spring bulbs, that she can help you take care of -with her own  watering can in summer - With my mum i made a small corner in our garden into a sanctuary in her memory - a bird feeder, water feature and chair - just somewhere to go and have a coffee and be in nature for a while and in a different way from when she was here be with her.I had to move later when my husband died - but moved it with me.
In years to come your little one will appreciate it, but also as you create something,you will start to think yourself of your dads life - as a whole, rather than your dad with lung cancer.- sometimes those memorys will make you cry and thats ok to do, but sometimes they will also make you smile which is better.

It does get better but its a roller coaster ride - Eventually it gets flatter and less agonising but things can still give you a nasty side-swipe every so often - 11 years after my mum died i found myself sobbing over a christmas Carol on the radio  - but thats ok too - because grief  may be seen by some as something we need to be "cured" of - yet we dont want to be cured of the people we have lost - so i think its more about accepting they are gone but at the same time finding ways to take them forward with us. Sometimes the loss is what we go back too - but other times the happier things take over as well - a place we go, can trigger a memory of something daft they did or said,  so for me anway it is about finding ways to cope with the day to day stuff, but also taking them forward with us in a different way - it can never be the same as before by their physical presence, but in our hearts and minds -because we know what they might have said or advised if we search for the answers as though we were asking them, the way we would have had they still been here and we can so often find them still being the props and supports in our lives.

As i live alone now I often find myself talking out loud to my husband -i used to question my sanity on that but not any more because if nothing else i know it is something that would have made him laugh.

Keep coming back, keep talking and writing because this place was one of the key things that helped me stand on my feet again.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on March 15, 2019, 12:12:00 PM
Hello Sarah, :hearts:

Welcome to this very supportive group. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and that you are going through such a difficult time with so many painful things going on all at once. It's no wonder you are struggling, but yes, it does slowly get better. Unfortunately the pace that it does that at varies from person to person. Everyone's journey along this long and bumpy path is different and takes a different length of time to get any better. There is no right way to approach dealing with loss either, so you just have to try to find the ways that help you most.

The loss of a parent is always very hard. It sounds like you devoted as much time and effort as you could to doing whatever you needed to do for your Dad while he was still here and that, in itself, will have put a strain on you. Also you were coping with looking after your new baby, which will have added to the strain you were under. It also sounds as if all this put a strain on your marriage too, so you have certainly been suffering a great deal of pressure and should accept that all this will be taking its toll on you.

You say that you feel you are ‘failing badly’ in terms of being a good mum to your daughter, but I really think you are being too hard on yourself in saying this. You really are under a lot of stress at the moment. Anyone would find all this hard to cope with and loss is difficult enough to cope with on its own, without all these added pressures, so please do try to be kind to yourself. You don't need to add to all that by being too self-critical. You are only human. You have been through a terrible time and things haven’t yet got any better yet. You can’t expect all this not to affect you. I am sure you are doing your best in the circumstances, but anyone would be struggling to deal with all you are trying to cope with. Loss is more painful than you can ever imagine before it happens and it is the hardest thing anyone ever has to go through. It certainly has been for me, so please, don’t be so hard on yourself. It is only natural to be left struggling after you lose someone.

Everything you describe feeling, wishing you had gone with your Dad; finding it hard to believe you will never see him again; going over all that happened in your mind; lacking the energy to change; all these things are normal when you are grieving and feelings everyone who has experienced loss will recognise. We all experience these feelings when we lose someone, so please don’t feel bad about this either. A year is really still a short time, especially in terms of dealing with loss and grief, so it will all still feel raw and painful to you.
I think the key is to find a way to come to accept what has happened and this will help you come to terms with it. In my experience, you have to find ways to help yourself deal with grief; actively work at it! It will not get any better on it’s own. You can just get stuck, reliving the worst of your memories over and over and sinking deeper into the pit of despair it can drag you into, so that it gets harder and harder to climb out of it again. You might find it helpful to go to your GP to see if he can refer you for grief counselling. That can be helpful, but I have found it is best to try to find ways to combat grief’s worst effects myself. You have to find strategies that help you keep your head above water and keep you afloat.

You are on the right track understanding that your Dad wouldn’t want to see you like this and that if you gave up, it would only cause more suffering to others, so build on that. What would your Dad tell you to do? I am sure he would want you to try to enjoy the rest of your life and to remember him with happiness. It sounds like he was the sort of person who enjoyed life himself, so maybe aim to be like him and start trying to find ways to help move you in that direction. It would be a way of honouring his memory and paying tribute to his life and the influence he had on yours.

Finding ways that help you say good-bye to him and carry his memory and your love for him forward with you into your future might also be a good start. You could put together an album of favourite photos that you could use to tell your daughter about him when she gets older. It would also help revive your memories of happier times with him and shift the focus off the awful time just before and when he passed away. You need to remember, this was not his life, just the last phase of it. It wasn’t the bit that mattered. The bit that mattered was all the years he spent enjoying his life and the time you spent doing that with him. We all pass away in the end. What matters is how we spend the years when we are well and can do some good in the world and enjoy our life and all the good days we can spend with those we love, not the ending. That’s just the last sad phase of fading away, not the joyous majority of the years that we spent making the most of our time here and it’s that part that matters most. That’s the part your Dad would want you to remember.

I am sure you do miss him terribly, especially whilst you are going through such a difficult time yourself with your divorce. It is good that you can see that this may be a positive move though. Build on that too. You can plan for the kind of future want for yourself and your daughter; where you will live; the things you would like to do together; how you want your home to be. You can take your Dad with you into that future and reflect in it some of the things he might have advised you to do. Make plans to take your daughter to places you visited with your Dad and tell her about your memories of the times you spent with him there when she is older. Show her things and places he loved. Give her some of his legacy.

Memories are important, especially when you have a child you want to tell about her granddad as she gets bigger. Some people write down memories in a book or on pieces of paper that they put in a jar, so that when they feel sad or just want to reminisce, they can turn to the things they have written down and spend a little time back in those memories and they will make you smile and feel closer to him for a while. Your memories are your treasure and can be your strength too. Your love for your Dad will always be in your heart for the rest of your life. So will the sadness of having lost him, but that does not mean he is gone from your life. Your Dad was part of your life for so many years and shaped the person you are, and your love for him will always be part of you, so how can he be? He’s still there, just in a different way.

I have a portrait of my Dad on the wall and I still talk to that every day! I tell him about where I am going or have just been, about my day and sometimes, when I am not sure what to do, imagine what he might advise. I can usually hear him telling me in my head, what he would have said if he were here.

You may or may not believe in an afterlife, but I do. I sometimes find feathers at odd times when I am feeling low or upset. I discovered that this is something that can happen when you have lost someone and is often taken as a sign that they are thinking about us still, where they are, and trying to support us, so that might be something you might want to look out for and might help you to feel closer to him.

The other thing I found helped was to take up a new interest and find a few new friends. I know that is hard when you have a young child, but if you can find something to do that takes you out of yourself for a few hours a week, it can really help. It gives you a bit of respite from your grief by making you think about something else for a few hours and getting you out of the house. Did your Dad have a hobby or interest that you might like to carry on in some way? Was there something he would have liked to do or somewhere that he would have liked to see that you and your daughter could go and see or do, in his place and in memory of him? That’s another way of carrying a lost loved one forward with you. Some people like to go to a lost loved one’s favourite spot and release some balloons with messages attached, when it is their birthday or just as a way of remembering or even letting that person go. Might that help?

Grief is exhausting, which is probably why you feel you have no energy to change, so how about taking walks in the park with your daughter, now that the weather is getting a bit better? I find that both calming and cheering. It’s lovely to be out amongst the flowers and greenery this time of year and it provides a lovely environment in which you can just think and process your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you could get a bench put in a favourite spot that you could go to, to remember your dad and to take your daughter to, to help her feel he is still part of her life. Lots of people do. I find reading the inscriptions on them comforting. It is good to know so many people still have so much love for those they have lost and still think about them. At Christmas, many had flowers on them placed there by those who remember them to show they still think of them. It was rather lovely and comforting to see.

Other than that, even little things help. I found it comforting to have flowers in the room. They were so pretty and smell so nice, it cheered me up, despite the sadness. Some people make cushions out of some of the favourite clothes of a lost loved one, so that they have a reminder of them close by and that can make them feel closer to them. It also helps to write down your thoughts and feeling every day. It helps get them out of your system just to write them down and then, as time passes, you can look back and see how much progress you have made between how you felt then and how you feel now.

Sorry this response is so long. I hope you can draw something from it that helps. All I can say is that you need to take it a day at a time. Do be patient and kind to yourself. You are doing your best with what will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through, so don’t expect too much of yourself or judge yourself too harshly. This a difficult time for you, so look after yourself. Remember to eat and drink enough, try to sleep enough. Try to find things to do that will give you a little pleasure. And do whatever helps. You need the TLC. This is not a time to be hard on yourself. One day at a time and find some things to do that will help you. Be positive and try to look forward. Plan ways to take your dad with you into your future and to look back with love and focus on the good times.

Wishing you all the very best and sending you a massive hug, Sarah. Keep talking to us here too. You will find lots of people here who understand and will be able to offer sympathy and understanding and maybe some good advice too! Much love, Sandra .. xx  :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 15, 2019, 09:33:17 PM
Thank you for taking the time to reply and for being so kind. Nobody really asks me how I am anymore, friends and colleagues think I'm ok so when they ask I just say yeah I'm fine, when I'm not.

I did visit the doctor when my dad was towards the end and they gave me antidepressants, I tried them but I felt worse. I feel now that it was my relationship with my Husband (or lack of) which has made it so hard for me to deal with my dad dying.  My Husband has always been verbally aggressive towards me, he grew up himself with an aggressive dad so did it to me.  I always forgave him as knew what he had gone through and I like to think i'm kind.  My husbands dad passed away a few years before mine and the aggressiveness got worse and he became controlling over money. He would constantly tell me I did nothing, didn't earn enough. I worked part time after maternity leave and my parents had our daughter.  My parents had her till the very end, my dad loved her so much.  I couldn't even think about money, I had a small child my dad was dying and my mum has MS.

My Husband never really seemed interested in my dads diagnosis, he didn't ask about his consultations, forgot most of them,forgot my dads last birthday, he was 70 and then forgot mine. I on the other hand was slowly loosing myself.  Going to work and waiting for the emergency phonecalls, you need to come home as dad has been taken to the hospital.  Endless times I would sit in my car almost passing out from panic attacks, to then go and see him and try to hold it together. Then go home and have panic attacks in my sleep.  My dad never accepted the cancer, he wanted to live so badly.  He was supposed to be looking after my mum as she has MS.  He thought he was causing us stress and used to get so angry, it was killing me, trying to hold myself together.  My heart was breaking and there was nobody to care of it. My husband did nothing for me and I will never forgive him.  I know he lost his father but he didn't need to add to the weight I was carrying.  He kept shouting at me, talking about money, talking about making his will so i wouldn't get it if he died. All I wanted was for someone to tell me its ok, if you loose your dad, your hero, then you have me and I will be all of those things......

So I asked for a divorce and we are back to the talks about money and I don't have the strength. 

My husband wants to sell our house.  I just cant deal with this.  We bought our house from my parents 5 years ago at half the price as it was my grandparents.  My dad was ecstatic, I was/am a daddies girl and we would live 5 mins away. We bought a dog, this became my dads best friend.  The house had to be completely stripped and me and my dad did all the decorating together until he got sick.  I have so many memories of us doing it together, bickering as I am a perfectionist. He would knock at the window, the dog would bark and my heart would smile....dads here.  He liked to come over to escape from my mum for a while!!!!  But now my husband wants to sell and I don't think I can afford to pay him out.  My husband doesn't even need the money right now as he has a great salary. I don't as I have my little girl all the time. 

A few years back my dad bought me a willow tree, it was £1 and dead (typical yorkshire man) but he planted it and it grew and grew, I don't want to leave this tree behind.

Anyway, sorry for the rant.  I don't know if it will help but I just feel I can't move on from the weight of my relationship to even think about my dad. Do you think that I may see clearer when I get through this?
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on March 18, 2019, 12:52:26 PM
 :hug:
Dont worry you never have to apologise for a rant here.
wow you certainly dont need that kind of pressure.I also found anti depressants made thing worse - they made me physically ill.maybe or a while something more gentle like nytol ( off the shelf - or herbal teas might help a bit - but also take time out of it for yourself - have a long bath with candles, ( when your little one is asleep) or  meditation might help ( that doesnt have to be altars incense and bells, some types of yoga cover it - in the same way mindfulness doesnt have to be colouring books - you can practice it while peeling potatoes.Doing something like that gives you a break but doesnt make your head even more scrambled.

As regards your husband he doesnt seem to have dealt with his father dying and not overcome that learned abusive behaviour either, there is only so long anyone can put up with being shouted at and threatened like that, and how long would pass before your daughter starts to see this bahviour
None of that is your fault.
Threatening to cut you out of his will is, frankly, pretty pathetic but a sign he sees everything as part of his obsession with money as being something everyone shares therefore something which he can hold over you to control you.
 
As regards the house i dont think he can demand it be sold, until  that becomes part of a divorce settlement,and his earnings might mean he is entitled to a percent of the house rather than half and half - another angle is how much he put in - if you bought it together was it joint or with a mortgage just in his name  etc etc, if it was sold cheaply to you then would his claim be based on the value at the time, rather than todays full value - which would make his share more affordable to you.Or is he thinking he will get a nice little earner out of it and at your expense.
 I dont know the answers, but i think if you find them, then that knowledge puts you into a position of greater strength and makes it more difficult for him to bully you into what might be the wrong decision. I know its exhausting and you have enough on your plate, but make that first step and you will  find the more you know about your legal position, the stronger you will become,and you willl also find strength in thinking what your dad would have advised - listen to him just as you would have done when he was here.

The way i understand it is you can get divorced with all that in place or go through the courts but in between you can apply for mediation - this isnt relationship counselling as many people think  - its about settling issues such as financial agreements, child care etc and division of assetts with a neutral party involved. You may be able to get legal aid for that,but put in that context it also reduces his ability to bully you into an agreement you dont have to make.
I think the best option is to go to citizens advice - make an apointment now - There is also a government website - but if your head isnt with it, ploughing through the information is going to be hard work - at least citizens advice can point you to the information you actually need to be concerned with.

If it comes too it and you have to sell - willow is really good at propagating and surviving as you saw with this tree.
There are loads of you tube videos etc out there to show you how - and spring is the best time to do it - take several cuttings and grow them on in pots  so you have a better chance of at least one taking root,  then even if you have to leave the tree in its present form  - you can still take it with you, and its still the same tree.
If you end up with another garden and you have a few cuttings you could even create a structure from it such as a den for your little girl ( or you come to that)  :hug:


 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 18, 2019, 07:36:55 PM
If my dad was hear now I know exactly what he would say to me. He didn’t really like my Husband because of the way he treated me so would have been really happy if I left him. I think this was one of the last conversations we had had in hospital before he passed away. The only trouble is he is not hear giving me that support. I think he would have helped me with my mortgage and would have been around all the time heloing me out.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on March 19, 2019, 11:40:54 AM
Oh Sarah, what a lot you have to contend with. I would echo Karena's advice. Go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau and perhaps get a free first consultation with a solicitor. They don't usually charge for the first interview. That way you can get some proper advice. Knowledge is power and it will make you feel better to get a better idea of where you stand.

I can imagine the amount of stress you are under, but, for your dad, stand up for your rights and for yourself and your daughter. If this was one of the last conversations you had with him, then you know that, wherever he is now, he is supporting you. He may not be here in body, but he is in your heart and I bet you can still hear him in your head advising you. The loved ones we lose to bodily death never really leave us, because we carry the memory of them with us still.

I know you feel alone, but that is part of losing someone and you still have your mum. I am sure she supports you as best she can despite her own illness. You must stand up to your husband and have made a good start. Hard as it is, don't give up now. Get some advice. Make a plan and work on creating the future your dad would want you to have. If he is your strength, hold him inside you and he will go on being just that. I do with my dad. He was always great a practical things, so when something bad happens at home, I always think, what would dad have done and I can usually work out how to handle it from there.

You are not alone here either, Sarah. We are here for you. Perhaps we cannot be there in person, but we are here. Rant away, if it helps! You may even find someone can offer you some good advice! If nothing else, we will listen and talk and that helps alot, believe me!

Sending you a hug on behalf of your lovely dad ,, xx :hearts: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 19, 2019, 07:01:21 PM
Thanks again for your kind words and advice.  I did have a 30 min consultation with a lawyer but it wasn’t much help, more about formalities really. I wish that I could just have one thing to deal with at a time but I suppose that is life. Just as I was about to speak to my Husband about the 30 min appointment I had he had a phone call that his sister back home (he is not from the UK) has a major accident (this was a month ago now) She pulled through but will probably never walk again. He is obviously devastated and I feel just terrible bringing up the separation again. I literally feel like my head is gong to explode.

My mum doesn’t really want to hear about it anymore, she has had enough and is very down lately as it will be a year soon that dad passed. I don’t think I can get over his total lack of support when I needed it so badly but my heart goes out to him at the same time. Why does this have to be so difficult! My dad would have probably not been so sympathetic about the situation as he like I said didn’t like the way my husband treated me.

I went to see my dad today to ask him what he thinks I should do but no reply☹️
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on March 20, 2019, 08:47:35 AM
Then do go to the CAB, Sarah. What has happened to your husband's sister is terrible, but you need to concern yourself with you and your daughter's futures and to organise that, you need some proper advice and to make a plan.

I know what you mean about feeling like everything is happening at once and like your head is going to exp;ode. I am in also in a complicated situation and about six months after my mum died, I had a week when I just went into complete meltdown with all the worry of everything, but, as you say, that's life, Unfortunately, things do all happen at once and we just have to do our best to cope with it all, I know one thing though. Doing nothing but worrying about it won't help. You just have to try to pick yourself up and try to do something about it all, It won't get any better on its own. So try to stay strong Sarah. Set out your goals on paper if that helps make things clearer for you, then set about working out how you can achieve them. Your husband sounds like he is being ruthless, so you must be equally so and fight your corner, for yourself, for your daughter and for your dad.

I know it's hard when you are dealing with grief too, but you just have to do it. Reality has to take priority and inaction will get you nowhere. Keep going, Sarah..xx  :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 20, 2019, 09:14:48 AM
Oh Sandra you are so totally right, doing nothing is making me ill, just going over and over it all the time. I went to speak to my husband yesterday after visiting dad determined to say something  but when I got there he was crying and in a complete state, says he can’t cope with everything. So me being me just left it alone. We are both suffering from all that has happened, both of us have lost our dads both in our mid 30’s. I wish someone could just do this all for me but I have to do it myself.  Just want to climb into a big hole right now! I wish my dad could just come and visit me and tell me what to do! If I carry on I will absolutely crush my husband but I know that you are right in that I have to think about me and my daughter.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on March 22, 2019, 10:49:26 AM
Sarah, if you are both going through so much, perhaps it might help to suggest to him that you do nothing about selling the house at the moment until you are both in better place in your heads. Is he still living with you? If so, that might be the first thing to try to address and try to find somewhere else for him to live for the time being until you are both better equipped to deal with all the big decisions affecting you both.

It is hard, but if you both try to deal with all this in the state you are both in now, that might be too hard. Perhaps just sort your living conditions for now and make sure your finances are ok so that you can look after yourself and your daughter. After that, given that you are both feeling fragile, see a mediator to help you settle your divorce and all the practicalities. It sounds to me like that would work better for you. I believe this is free. CAB would know more about that and it is a way to talk to eachother in a slightly more detached way, so that you are not so inhibited by your own feelings and fear of upsetting him or letting him upset you. Enquire about that. I think it could work for you.

In the meantime, try writing down how you feel each day and what things you are thinking about. It does help get it out of your system and work through all the tumult of emotions. It gets it out of your system a bit. It may help.

Thinking of you..xx :hearts:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on March 22, 2019, 12:42:40 PM
I agree with Sandra -neither of you are in the right place to be discussing this right now - take a break from it,
i dont mean take him back or stop proceedings out of pity - but if the two of you could agree to put this on hold for a while and keep the status quo - i assume from your post he has moved out.
But you can still go to CAB and still take the time to find out what your position would be and what your options are after that time, then that knowledge would help you -even knowing it could be negative is better than imagining things that might not be the case.

When it comes to dealing with your worries and trying to do too much at once - heres something i did that might help you.

get your daughters crayons/felt tips out and some paper

You are going to write a list of all those things -one under the other, but you are going to prioratise them.
So write the most urgent ones in green at the top
then the less urgent in blue underneath.

 Firstly looking at the list, you may very well  see there are not actually as many as your anxious state is telling you there are, because rather than coming into your head then going away they are all swirling round and round which makes them seem more,  as they keep re -appearing.


Put the the most urgent - things at the top - write them in green pen and the less urgent underneath write them in blue pen-
Now get another piece of paper and start with the top item lets say in this case
your worries over the house.
what is your objective. - to keep the house.

what are the goals you need to score to do that.

1. find out what your position is legally

what actions do you need to take
1. make an apointment at CAB
2. when is the apointment - go too it
3. asses the options they have advised you have.
4. chose your favoured option
5. take action - repeat.

what actions do you need to take now.
1.
2.
3.

keep writing the actions down each time you come to that question and each time you do something  put a red line through it.

OK so maybe you find out that legally he cant sell the house - excellent you have achieved that objective go back to the first piece of paper cross that off your list of worries go to the second and repeat.

Alternatively you find out he can demand you sell the house what are the alternatives now
can you buy him out
action 1 make mortgages enquiries
can i get one yes/no - 
can i afford it yes/no - if no is there another potential action
can i approch him with an idea
what are other alternatives
action 1 approach him with the best of the alternatives for example put the house in your daughters name with a lifetime interest - for you so that you can live there for as long as you want too but when it reverts to her it is her inheritance from both of you jointly ( if he doesnt need money maybe he would go for that) because should he eventually go on and have other children in the years ahead her inheritance is secured   
again go through each one and as you take an action put a red line through it.

What you end up with is a record of acheivement and the more you look at it the more red lines you want to see.
set yourself a target to action one thing every day or every week and if there is a delay, in getting the information for example or between making an apoinment and attending it,  go back to the first list and cross something off the blue section - maybe even two things - that way the red lines are still growing - but you are not trying to tackle more than one major issue at the same time but still achieving the smaller ones daily.

If you think of your brain as a computer everything is flying round and round and totally muddled but if for example you know he can sell the house and you know you cant buy him out with a mortgage etc that  knowlege might not be what you want to find out but it means you are no longer considering those - theyre not going round and round, theyre not clogging up the files theyre not even recyclable - theyre deleted,

but he is not aproachable at the moment  by calling a temporary halt now you have created  time to start doing the filing - think of other proposals you could put too him when he is ready.

and now - you have a piece of paper with lots of red lines on it that reminds you how far down that list you have come and just how much you can achieve, even taking just a step at a time.
Basically you are getting some armour - so his normal actions of verbal abuse - which completely wrecks your confidence, will start to bounce off it - because you know he is wrong and that you are not useless and there is the proof, and afterall you only need to prove it too yourself not to him. :hug:



 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Watto on March 22, 2019, 02:29:25 PM
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Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 22, 2019, 07:34:59 PM
Thanks for all the great advice, writing it down does seem like a great idea as I cant hold a thought for longer then a second at the moment. I have a thought and it’s always followed by I wish dad was here, I miss dad, I wouldn’t be in this mess if dad was here....and so on.

Unfortunately I moved to my mums with my daughter about a month ago as he got really heated with me and I got scared, he has no family here. I miss my house now and it’s hard in one room with my daughter. He has no intentions of going anywhere. I own more of our house and my parents gave us a large deposit almost half the price.

I really just want to put my big girl pants on and just sort it out but I feel weak. Perhaps I should let the one year anniversary pass and then just bite the bullet!!!! I have had some good advice I need to start putting into place I just know he is going to disagree with everything.

My brother is also being difficult as he is dealing with dads probate and discovering how much dad had always helped me out. Me and my dad were bestest friends, my brother and his wife are well off so didn’t need much help financially also he went more to his wife’s side of the family. It feels so personal going through  scraps of all the bits of money dad has sent me. It seems I’ve got money issues coming from everywhere!!

Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Emz2014 on March 23, 2019, 07:46:04 AM
That sounds so familiar Sarah, I lost so much confidence after losing my dad.  At that time you just want to hide away and its hard to put the big girl pants on.  I'm 6 years along on the journey, it does get a bit easier each year.  I remember being surprised that the second year brought its own challenges - i guess society gives you the expectation of all being ok after a set period.  The second year I did alot of reading, and finding 'me' again.

Hold on in there on this rollercoaster  :hug:

Sending you a welcome hug Watto  :hug:  it is surprisingly lonely on the bereavement journey, even when surrounded by people.  Try your best to concentrate on one day at a time at the moment, that will help a little with the anxiety.  Hope you find the forum helps you too xx
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on March 23, 2019, 09:02:49 PM
Today has been a really terrible day so far, keep getting flash backs of my dads face when he was dying. I haven’t really had them for a little while now but today for some reason I can’t shake the image. Watching him suffocate in front of me, my wonderful dad I think these images will haunt me forever! I just can’t believe it, not my dad, he was so alive then cancer took him. I don’t feel like I will ever be ok again, how can I be the same person with these images in my head. How do you live without the people you live for. My dad made my life better, I miss him so much.

I can’t get passed the fact that he was alive, happy, living then dead, gone. He must of been so afraid, so deeply sad to know he was going to miss out. I feel so bad for him that he isn’t here. I almost don’t want to do anything so he isn’t missing anything.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on March 25, 2019, 11:43:32 AM
 :hug: Again you need legal advice, you are right you cant really live in one room with your daughter, but as you say get the anniversary over with and then start taking action.Writing  stuff down does help, because while its in your head its very difficult to evaluate exactly what needs doing but also will feel much more un managable.

Your brother wont be helping, but at the moment there are more important things at the top of your list that need to take priority - perhaps he needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with the fact he isnt a child anymore and your dad was helping you out because you needed it at the time and your brother did not.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on March 26, 2019, 09:30:33 AM
Hi Sarah,

I really think you have to make seeing the CAB the priority then, if your husband is living in your house and you are in one room with your daughter. I don't know much about divorce, but I do know they prioritise the child's living conditions and often selling the house is forbidden until the child is of age and it is the spouse who has to move out and the mother and children who are entitled to be in the house. You need to know your rights. Go and get advice. Make notes, as you won't remember all they tell you. Knowledge is power. You will feel better once you have some.

I am sure your dad would have been of help, but without him, just use that knowledge to empower yourself. If he would have known what to do, you can find out too and learn to be strong and wise too. A lot of wisdom comes from experience.

I wouldn't stand still. I would at least go and see the CAB.

I am sorry your brother is put out finding out the degree to which your dad helped you out, but that was his choice and your brother needs to understand that. No doubt he would have done the same for your brother if he had needed it. It isn't a measure of how much he loved each of you. Perhaps that is something you need to remind your brother of.

I know all about the 'joys' of dealing with probate, so I do have some sympathy with him over that! It really is a ghastly process that comes at exactly the time when you feel least able to deal with it, so perhaps cut him a little slack with this. It may not be that he is upset with what he is finding out about your dad having helped you out as upset caused by having to deal with all this officialdom. I know it has driven me mad for the last 18 months and I am still not at the end of the process!

Good luck, Sarah! :hearts:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 01, 2019, 07:39:01 PM
Hi there, just wanted to sign back on and let you know what I’ve been doing. I have taken and thank you so much,  lots of the advice you have all given and I feel a little bit better.

I have bought a memory box and have started adding bits to it that represent the man my daddy was. My little girl  gets it out a hundred times a day and we have to talk through it all which is nice. It makes it feel like he isn’t so far away and just gone. It does bring it home that he is going to miss out on so much with his granddaughter which is really sad as he deserved to be here with her. At the moment by brain is trying to figure out why he had to go and I’m trying to persuade myself that it is just out of our hands. When you haven’t lost anyone close before death feels so alien, I don’t really understand what it means. I really want to find out if there is something afterward so that there will be a time I will see my dad again. It feels so odd knowing that you won’t see someone again.

Regarding my husband, I have sorted some advice and looked into some benefits I could get to help me at the moment. It looks like the balls firmly in my court and I need to be more confident about what needs doing. I just hate the fact that what I’m doing is hurting somebody and is breaking up the family, even though he has pushed me to this. I wish I wasn’t a person who was always worried about offending or hurting people when people always hurt and offend me.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 02, 2019, 11:15:11 AM
 :hug: Sarah it isnt you that is breaking up the familly it is him and his behaviour - you cant go on putting up with it and you shouldnt have too. --try and  think about it another way - your daughter will observe it and when it becomes what she sees as normal then there are a couple of things that can happen.
Firstly she receives the message that you are incompetant, that you are wrong, not worthy of respect and that you can be treated that way -and spoken too that way - and so she copies it and that is her realtionship with you - she is little now, but by the time she is a teenager that message is well and truly installed in her.

Secondly what about her future relationships - if it is ok for you to be treated that way then perhaps if she doesnt see that as being wrong, so she follows the pattern and gets into a similar relationship herself.

Some-one i am close too was in a relationship that was physically abusive - they had a baby boy  together and she thought i was wrong to split up the familly -even though i kept saying it was better for the baby to have a loving, independant mother than a battered one and better for his future not to think that it it is ok to hit his partners because he saw his dad get away with it all the time.
The day he hit her as she was putting the baby down and then she saw her blood all over the baby was the day she finally left  and even though there were difficult times afterwards she never looked back with regret at leaving.
I know physical abuse might be different but emotional and mental abuse is equally as damaging just in a different way - it is still abuse.

Your husband could chose to modify his behaviour in future, if he realises that it isnt acceptable so in a sense you could be doing him a favour too although he wont see it now, but perhaps allowing him to be more successful in a future relationship - and maybe he will come to respect you for that and you can be freinds, but how he responds is his choice you cannot be resonsible for it.

I know its difficult i am very much like you, when it comes to putting myself last and being worried about hurting others, but your dad obviousely thought more of you too  he would be cheering you on and you know that - taking a stand now is not a selfish act - if you feel you are not worth it remember those you love and let that give you strength to act for the best.It doesnt have to be the end of your daughters relationship with her dad but it wont be in the same little unit it was and that is far from unusual these days,how he conducts that relationship again it is up to him to make the effort required.

The question of an afterlife is something we would probably all like answered - but maybe  the answer isnt good for us - maybe we would behave even worse as humans if we thought this was just a practice run.
My personal feeling is that there is something - and i am pretty open minded about what that something could be.From a physics point of view energy cannot leave it might take another form but cant be lost but some of  those other  " certaintys" that traditional physics had us follow are being questioned in the fairly new science of quantum physics, so just as more traditional science questioned religious or cultural beliefs in the past, quantum physics is now questioning that in turn, so there are still very few absolutes, and many possabilitys.Even neuro scientists cannot fully explain consciousness, and so cannot dismiss the idea of us having a soul or spirit amd it is that which i think remains around us after they die.     

 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 02, 2019, 11:59:45 AM
Yes everything you said is totally right and the reason I finally left in the end was for the sake of my daughter. Our last argument was horrible, he actually threatened me and my daughter just sat on the sofa screaming at the top of her voice. I just thought what am I doing, I was staying for the sake of our family but it just wasn’t right. Now I hate to see him so broken, he is truly devastated and so am I but I will never trust him again. Probably will never just another man again! At the moment I’m not really taking any action and he is doing nothing, hoping I’ll change my mind. Every time I try and speak to him he cry’s and I feel terrible.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 03, 2019, 10:29:50 AM
Oh Sarah, what a bad time for all this to have happened to you, but the fact that you are still talking to us on here and considering how to move forward, even if that does feel like you are facing an impossible task, just shows how strong and realistic you really are at the bottom of you. Despite all the hurt and worry that is uppermost in your mind at the moment, you are thinking about the future and that is what your dad would want. You can't afford to worry about your husband or how he is feeling. You are responsible for your daughter, so just think about you and her.

Karena is right in everything she says. I worked in a school for some years and there was a boy there who was about twelve, who lived in a household with an abusive father. He settled arguments with his fists, because that was what he saw at home and he treated girls with a complete lack of respect. Children learn from what they see and emulate that, so your daughter needs to see that strength and purpose you are struggling to find in yourself at the moment. But she sees you trying and will learn from that. So keep that in your mind. Besides which, I am sure you never want her to witness another argument like the one you have described.

Other people's feelings are down to them. Your feelings are all you can manage. You know what you need to do and you know what your dad would advise, so get on and do it for you and for him and for your daughter. You are not the first and will not be the last to have to. I also now work with a doctor who is involved in helping women in abusive relationships, so I do know, others can and have done it. So can you. Stay strong. Stay purposed. I suspect your husband may end up respecting you more for that in the future and may re-evaluate his own behaviour in the future through this, so you will be doing good all round. Also, it is kinder really to him top start doing concrete things that indicate to him that you are closing the door on your past together and will not be changing your mind, so that he too will start to have to accept this and move on.

I know the memories of your dad can be hard and sometimes the painful ones will rise to the surface, but as time passes, the good memories come to the surface more and more. I think this is down to the growing acceptance that you will reach. Gradually, as you come to terms with the fact that you can't change anything that happened, you learn to just live with that pain and it recedes a little and you find yourself focusing on the good memories that, after all, made up the majority of his and your days. It is good to remember that fact. He made the most of the largest part of his life and you were a big part of that that he clearly valued hugely, so that should make you realise your own self-worth, so you need to protect you - if only to honour what your dad valued. He knew you were worth it, so you must grasp that too.

As for an afterlife, I don't have any doubts that I will see my lost loved ones again. I believe they live on. But it is a very personal thing. We all feel differently about it and time shapes that belief, so you will probably develop different feelings and beliefs about this throughout your life. I have. I miss the ones I have lost terribly, but I do believe their spirits live on and that, at least some of the time, they are around still in a different form. I have never stopped believing in them and get the feeling that although, they have moved on to a new kind of existence, they still believe in me, so I have to keep working to make the best of my life for them. It's hard, but it matters to me to keep going and keep trying so that I will be what they raised and wanted me to be. I don't know if any of that helps you, Sarah, but that's my two penneth on the subject! I really believe love never dies and our loved ones never really leave us. We may feel alone and feel like they are gone, but that may not be as final as we think and may not even be the real truth, so I keep an open mind and accept the signs I see and they bolster me up and support me on days when I feel low. If nothing else, the love they left in my heart will always be there, so that is my strength.

Thinking of you and wishing you luck..xx :hearts: :hug:

Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 03, 2019, 11:14:59 AM
Thanks guys your replies really are helping me so much, so far I have been on a really lonely path!

Today a year ago at about 8am my dad took his final breath. People are asking me if I am ok but to be honest it’s not worse or better than any other day!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 04, 2019, 09:49:54 AM
Hi Sarah,

Well, you've made it this far. Getting through the first year is a big mile-stone. I wouldn't say it gets easier after that, but at least you know you have survived thus far without your dad being around. No doubt it will stir up all the worst memories once again being the first anniversary, but you will get through that. Did you decide to mark the day at all? I had to work on my mum's first anniversary. It was a tough day. I kept watching the clock and thinking back to what I was doing at that time back then, It was rather a low point for me, but some people take flowers to the cemetery or release balloons or something, so that they can mark it in some special way.

I'm glad it's helping you to talk to people here. We are here for as long as you need us.

Thinking of you,,xx :hearts:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 04, 2019, 10:13:10 AM
I took my daughter to her gymnastics lesson in the morning and to the park in the afternoon. I just tried to carry on as normal. To be honest I tried to ignore the day, if I start thinking about dad I’ll let the flood gates open again and I’m too exhausted for it. I tried when I went to bed to think about him and I did have some funny thoughts about the silly things he said and as I predicted I cried myself to sleep in a state! It’s just too much to think about him and him not being here anymore. I’m sure everyone says the same things but he was a great dad and I miss his love so much. He really did love me and I really feel it’s gone now.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 04, 2019, 10:27:05 AM
 :hug: its ok to cry Sarah in fact its probably a good thing  :hug: 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 04, 2019, 11:11:52 AM
You know, I think your situation is probably affecting you to a large degree. You have so much to cope with at the moment on top of your loss and loss is hard enough to cope with without anything else going on, so I am sure this is making things worse for you and may be partly why to feel your dad's absence so keenly. I know you say you feel his love is gone from you, but it really isn't. You may be feeling too many other things at the moment that just exaggerate that feeling of it being gone, but you still have it within you and it will never really be gone. His physical presence is gone, but his love does stay with you. You miss him. Of course you do, You miss him being here, but you have the memories he left you and the knowledge of the faith and love he had for you, so that remains. You will never really be without him.

It may not be in this conversation, I don't have time to check now, but Karena mentioned the theory of continuing the bonds that bind us to a loved one and how we can use that to maintain our relationship with a lost loved one, I have read a little about that now and agree that that is something most of us try to do in some way. Your relationship with a lost loved one does not end when they die. We still go on thinking of them and loving them. Our relationship with them just changes, because they are not physically there anymore. It might help you to look into this theory, Sarah. It sounds a good way of moving forward into a future without a lost loved one's presence in it to me and I think is probably something we all seek to do. We just haven't expressed or perhaps recognised that on our own. This theory makes perfect sense to me. You might find it helpful to read up on it. just a thought.

Sending you a hug, Sarah ..xx :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 04, 2019, 07:19:07 PM
I’m sure this is everyone’s wish but I just want to be happy, I have’t just been going through the motions for a long time.

I want to go back to my house. I want to start decorating again like me and my dad did together. I want to start getting into gardening, I think these things will help me to be happy again.  But I can’t as my husband is still in the house. I want him to move out, he can’t cope with the house, it’s only small but when I go over it’s in such a mess, it’s making me upset. Yesterday he cracked one of the kitchen work tops, it’s only 2 years old. He is slowly destroying the work me and my dad did. There are food stains everywhere and all the pots pans etc everywhere full of food, he is obviously not coping. I so badly want this sorted, my little girl needs to go home. But everywhere  I turn I’m going to be hurting someone so do nothing and I’m hurting myself now.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 04, 2019, 11:02:17 PM
I agree, Sarah. Everyone wants to be happy, but to make that happen, you need to take some action sometimes, and I think this is one of those times. Doing nothing never helps sort anything out. You need to get advice and start trying to get your husband to move out and yourself and your daughter back into your house. You will have rights because of your daughter.

Take your courage in both hands and go and find out what you need to do to start the process. It may take a while, so the sooner you begin, the sooner you will regain some control over your life and that will make you feel better. One step at a time, yes. But you have to start taking those steps. Nothing will get sorted out until you start making that happen.

Sending you strength and a hug..xx :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 05, 2019, 08:21:22 PM
Ok please wish me luck I’m about to put my big girl pants on an approach my husband. I can see this effecting my daughter now, today wasn’t a great day! I’m off into the tunnel, hopeful I’ll emerge soon!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 06, 2019, 09:48:18 AM
I hope it went well, Sarah.  :hearts:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 06, 2019, 04:46:55 PM
It went ok so far. He is being reasonable at the moment and understands that it is something that he has done and it’s not just me trying to do him over and take his money. I keep telling him we have to do the best thing for our daughter. We need to figure out how to get him to move out. He has no family here to go to. I can’t afford to pay him his share of the house and he doesn’t want to sell in the current market. I don’t want any of his money or pensions and the only thing I could suggest is :

A, we draw up something that says he can force a sale or I buy him out when our daughter turns 16, or

B, he signs over his half of the house to our daughter. One of his main concerns is that I meet  another man and I leave the house to him not daughter.

He has enough money for a deposit or he can rent, he has a good salary also.

I’m quite happy to take no savings so he can put it on a flat or something, he can keep his pension I just want to sort out the house so we can move back home. He will be much better off financially than me after the initial move, I just want to be free to build myself back up again mentally!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 07, 2019, 10:34:22 AM
Well done, Sarah. I would still get some advice though. You don't want to leave yourself with less than you should have. Sounds like you coped well though, so that's a great first step. I am sure your dad would be proud of you.  :hearts:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 08, 2019, 10:38:32 AM
well done on getting as far as you did - a couple of things - first of all his argument that you might meet some-one else is partly valid in as much as that if you married that person and didnt make a will the house, or your share of it,  would default to the new husband if something happened to you, however that argument also stands against him as he could meet and marry some-one else and his share revert to her - but as you are not divorced yet it cant happen in either case as neither of you can re-marry until you are (living together counts for nothing - a friend of mine just got evicted after living in for nearly 30 years as he hadnt got divorced so his ex wasnt legally his ex but still his wife)
so of course all this is to be considered in future, so for example if you did re-marry you could make a will leaving it to your daughter - and he could sign his half over to her as part of a divorce settlement so no future children or wives of his could make a claim on it -  but again you are racing ahead,  him moving out now doesnt take away his rights as part owner, and is not a valid excuse for him to remain there - given that your daughter is living in far from ideal conditions it is him who should move out -at that point you would be separated but until you are actually divorced he has the same legal rights as though you were together.

If he has a good salary then couch surfing is not what he needs to do and not having anywhere to go and do that is also not an excuse - he could rent somewhere until the other issues are sorted out, i dont see the house market taking a sudden rise with brexit on the horizon so him sitting there until it does and he can sell later is just not an option, as i said further up the post his absence from the property doesnt take away his legal  rights.
Maybe you could explain that too him and that the divorce will include mediation where you can tackle these other issues and meanwhile you will  "help" him look for somewhere.   
 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 08, 2019, 07:42:52 PM
Hi Guys, it was just small step but at least he recognised that I have no intention of getting back with him. Up until now he has been hoping. He also recognises that he needs to move out and we need to go home. None of this is mine to bear anymore and certainly not my little girl. I have put my happiness on hold for a long time in hope but it just isn’t worth it anymore. One thing my dads death has taught me and from reading others posts on forums is that death is definite and you get one go and I’m wasting it at the moment. Although deep down I do love my husband and love the idea of a family unit what I think I’d like and what we have are two very different things. I hope this doesn’t seem horrible but me and my husband had two very different upbringings, his was very violent and mine the opposite. My dad worked hard at being a great dad and my husbands dad was terrible. My h has never dealt with it and is using the same behaviour on me. My dad does not deserve it and neither do I, I hate to sound horrible but it not my burden to carry anymore. If I don’t stop it then it will become my daughters burden and her children and so on. I hope it doesn’t seem selfish.  I will help my husband as much as I can and have always done so.

I fear that when actual figures are discussed things will probably turn uglier again , as I’m not intending to take any physical cash so he can stand on his own feet but expect this to be reflected when we sort out who owns how much of the house. I’m kind of hoping to get one of those orders that we hold the sale until daughter is 16, hopefully then I could buy him out. I really want to advice him to rent instead of making any hasty decisions about buying but I get the feeling he won’t go until he can buy! All of this is so so complicated and difficult when you walking on egg shells!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 09, 2019, 10:30:13 AM
Of course you don't sound horrible or selfish, Sarah! You sound like you are being practical and thinking of what is best for you and your daughter. That is exactly what you need to do, so keep focusing on that. As you say, your husband's past is for him to deal with, not you.

I am not a lawyer, but a friend of mine got divorced and she and her children were able to stay in the house until her youngest child reached the age of 18, then the house was sold and the money divided. She too was living in her grandmother's house, which they had bought at a reduced price, so she was in a similar situation to you. I think you are entitled to remain until your child comes of age, but speak to CAB and they will know better. Ask them too about division of assets. You need to do what is fair, not give everything else to your husband out of guilt. I am sure the divorce will settle these things fairly, so don't be in too much of a rush to hand over your joint savings. You are entitled to a share of this too, I am sure, if only for the sake of your daughter.

Anyway, this sounds like a good start, so keep moving in this direction and you will feel better that progress is being made. I think if your husband now accepts that you will not change your mind, this will help move things along, but stand up for yourself and your daughter and don't be too hasty to give away your assets!

Good luck, Sarah! I am sure your dad would be pleased you are making progress and don't neglect your own feelings. Feelings can not be buried and ignored. They will need some kind of release, so do spend some time doing something to continue getting yourself through losing him. You will find everything building up like a pressure cooker otherwise. Losing your dad is something else that is happening to you, so you need to go on dealing with that too. Different areas of your life, but both are important to acknowledge and manage. Keep going, Sarah! Very well done!  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 09, 2019, 11:08:06 AM
I agree you are not being selfish you are being a mum protecting your daughter and by default protecting your self as she needs you to bring her up - Its very sad when violence moves down famillies like this and very frequent and some-one has to stop that going on to even more generations, its a shame your husband hasnt been able to deal with it - perhaps he simply hasnt had the opportunity, but as a friend outside the marriage maybe you can help him find help, not something that you can do inside the marriage as the victim of that abuse - or perhaps he will chose to continue his way, but either way you are not to blame for any of it. :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 09, 2019, 11:41:01 AM
Oh here we go, now he is starting to get horrible again. He now doesn’t want to give me anything. Says he will sign over his equity to our daughter out of good will but will give nothing else and not pay maintenance 😕 I won’t be able to survive without the maintenance, it will mean our daughter will suffer.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 09, 2019, 12:13:20 PM
This is he last msg I received....I'm willing to walk away and start from scratch.You don't have a pension or savings because of your own laziness and lack of ambition please don't put your problems on my shoulders as I have enough of my own thank you.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 10, 2019, 12:35:34 PM
Wow what a ****
First of all he may have no choice but to pay maintainance for your daughter.

Second - much good may it do him to have pension and savings if he continues to drive away the people in his life, because they are what matters far more than money.

Third laziness - really ?  i wonder which one of you got up in the night to feed the baby,cooked the meals, cleaned the house etc etc = marriage is suposed to be a parnership, having a child means that one person in that partnership will normally do more paid hours than the other because the child has requirements and both partners are resposible for that  - laziness is not defined by how much paid work we do - from what you say of how he has treated the house since you left i think his own laziness is pretty much staring him in the face every time he walks in.

Fourthly - dont have a row and repeat all that i just wrote,( can you tell i,m angry on your behalf now) dont give him the satisfaction, he is heading for the door firing derogatory comments over his shoulder -still trying to undermine you, maybe still trying to make you see how much you depend on him - you dont.

But take it on board you are not to blame you are not lazy, this is his obsession which you no longer need to be concerned with and you have plenty of time in the future to think about your financial security -so dont let him undermine you with that sort of comment, let him walk away with his  "gesture of goodwill"  -  you already have proved him wrong by finding the strength to leave. That strength is something you will build on and your dad would be so proud of it, it is a gift from him you will never lose.
It will carry you and your daughter forward and she will have gain far more from your strength and love and emotional support than his money could ever buy her, and an abuse free home is going to be the massive starting block for her too. :hug: 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 10, 2019, 01:11:37 PM
Karena all he has managed to do is squash any glimmer of regret I had over leaving him. Thank god I kept my strength to carry on with my decision and although he is not here a large amount of that strength is from my dad. He is willing me on, I can here him telling me ‘go girl, don’t give up now’.

Yes, some of what he said is true. I have my faults, most of which manifested themselves as a symptom of the way he treated me. Now I’m going to make damn sure I learn how to be happy and successful without him, to show him that he is wrong and to show my dad that he was right, I’m worth it! The last few months although they have been hard the emotional hold my Husband has on me is slipping. I don’t care anymore what he thinks of me. Don’t get me wrong I will never just try and “do him over” as that will cause damage to our daughter.

He is offering to sign over the house with £140,000 equity in exchange for me not taking any CM and him taking the pension/savings of roughly £40,000. His CM payments would be about £300 a month so it works out pretty much 50/50 and  happy with that. I’m even more happy that it would be a clean  break, I am tempted!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 11, 2019, 11:53:38 AM
I can see why you would be tempted - especially as it means a clean break -but please get some legal advice over it -CAB is free and its a starting point they can at least give you some advice.

What is he actually offering - is that half the current value of the house or half the value when you bought it -is this his estimate of the current value, or has it actually been valued.
Its not actually going to cost him anything in real term present day cash, to sign it over except potentially some admin fees of some sort.
 
As for child maintainance i dont know what the current system is but under the old one - if you had to give up work or lost your job for any reason - income support was cut by almost a third  if you refused to go through the CSA - who then took money from the absent parent but didnt give it direct to you, it went into the system and you got the full income support rate (one suspects the CS were taking a big cut) .
 As i said the system has changed and i dont know how it works now - but you need to know -because your circumstances could also easilly change, you have a lot of years ahead with your daughter being your dependant - something for which he apparently thinks he should not make any contribution towards - and with owning your house things like buildings insurance and building maintainance costs have to be considered as well unlike with a rental .

It feels to me, a bit like he could be making it up as he goes along - does he know the legal situation with child maintainance - is he even allowed to not pay any - will there be repurcussions for you by agreeing too accept his terms now.

I dont know the answers, but please be very careful, and as i say arm yourself with some legal advice before you agree . I totally get that a clean break would be so very tempting right now and i have no doubt you are more than capable of making a good life for yourselves without him - but be careful not to think purely short term as we none of us know whats round the corner, so even if its just for back up, the more you know about your position if certain conditions arise the better prepared you will be in case they do.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on April 11, 2019, 09:33:31 PM
I absolutely agree with Karena, Sarah. I don't think a father is probably allowed not to contribute to his child's upkeep. I am sure your divorce settlement lawyers will have something to say about that too.

A clean break would be lovely, but I too, would pause to think before taking any offer he made. He is the one with a good wage from what you say. You need to be very careful if you don't have such a good income. Everything is very expensive these days and especially when you have a child. Children don't understand the cost of things and have high expectations nowadays, from trainers that cost upwards of £65.00 to schools asking you for a contribution towards the cost of books! You will need money. Your daughter will need money. The house and the bills will cost money. If you want to run a car, that will cost money. Your husband is a parent to your daughter too. He does not have the right to walk away and leave you both out in the cold to fend for yourselves! Having a house or a share in a house is no good if you can't afford to stay there and keep it in good repair!

As Karena urges, please, please go and get some proper advice. You are looking at years of struggle ahead of you without proper financial support and the clean break you think your husband is offering now may not remain so clean a break either. As time goes on, he may want contact with his daughter. It is best to get whatever the law may deem due to you now than to let him walk away with nothing legally set in place to forearm you against all the problems you may find coming your way in the future and better to let this be done by lawful process now, than have to find yourself having to deal with him without that legal footing to support you at a later date.

Take care and be cautious, Sarah. Wishing you well.. :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on April 13, 2019, 04:49:46 PM
Hi guys, I definitely agree with some of the cautions you have flagged up, I too have thought about all those things.  What I have been thinking about though is the future my Husband is looking to live.  At the moment he is self employed so immediately hinders the amount of Child maintenance I would be getting.  Also he wants to open a shop, now going on past experience my H is useless when it comes to how the world works, computers, keeping accounts etc, I did all of it.  I would probably end up in a situation where at worse he would end up bankrupt or at least a sudden drop in payments and I would probably have to fight for it each month.  I thought if he just signed over the house he would just be guaranteeing those payments.  Effectively 13 years of the current level of CM would equal his half of the equity. I would then suggest he paid and agreed amount into savings each month for her and also he would have to contribute towards non everyday payments like school trips etc.  He loves his daughter so I do think he would help her, also he has her 2 days a week. It would probably have to be an agreement between ourselves tho as no court would agree to it.

Oh I don't know, a lot of my thinking is just on speculation.  I think I would probably be put in a situation by the court of having a charge against the house where I would have to sell when our daughter reached 16 to give him his money, this is what usually happens and I don't want to be in that situation of doing it up, spending money just to sell it. By then also it could go up in value and he would get it without paying into it.

Oh god I wish my dad was here to help me, but if I really thought about it he would probably tell me to get shot of him and have no need of his money as its so unreliable.  I'm very lucky in that my dad worked hard and left my mum in a good financial position and she does and will continue to help me a great deal. To be honest if my dad was here he would probably pay off the mortgage once it had all gone through and were divorced.  Maybe my mum would but I'm not relying on that as you can only rely on yourself.

I've been feeling these really heavy feelings again lately about dad.  I had a few good days and now the last couple of nights I could feel my body starting to panic again.  I am trying so hard not to let it get me but I can feel the waves coming up.  I just so badly want all of this over so I can feel some peace.  I think also maybe my dad is not at peace because of me and my situation.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on April 15, 2019, 11:10:38 AM
 I am sending you a private message with some links you might find useful.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: green dragon on April 24, 2019, 12:43:35 PM
My dad would have probably not been so sympathetic about the situation as he like I said didn’t like the way my husband treated me.

I went to see my dad today to ask him what he thinks I should do but no reply☹️

Sarah, sorry to chime in like this, especially since I am new here.

Anyway, what I wanted to share was this thing a friend of mine told me when I was lamenting something similar (fear of no more advice). She said this: your relationship with your mother was so close, you have internalised her message, and that means you already know what she would say at any given moment. So listen to what you KNOW your father would have to say about all these difficult questions you're asking yourself.

From my part, if you'll allow me, I will just advise you not to rush into selling anything if that's not what you want. I have been going through both being advised - even urged! - to sell and not to sell, at the same time, by parties that shouldn't, frankly, have any say in what I am going to decide. So make it your decision, don't allow anyone to bully you into anything. The house obviously holds dear memories for you.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on June 09, 2019, 07:20:05 PM
Hello, I thought that I would just come back and say hello and tell you what I’ve been up to as you have all been so helpful.

Nothing has changed on the husband front, I am now having to apply to go through the courts as his head is completely in the sand. I only speak to him about our daughter now as I can’t cope with him emotionally anymore.

I’m an no further down the line in grieving for my lovely dad, I miss him terribly and get through the days ignoring completely that he died.
 
I have been struggling a great deal the last few years and quite a long time before my dad got sick also. The tiredness and the aches and pains have been getting worse and finally this week I have been diagnosed with ME. I am 36 and feel like I’m 80 years old. The stress of my dad and dysfunctional relationship with my husband has caused me to completely fold. I am a bit scared but at least I know what I’m dealing with now. Leaving my husband should hopefully lessen the stress when we eventually sort things out, if he ever wants to grow up. As for my dad, I just can’t go there right now, I don’t have the energy. I need to get better, I have a 3 year old and my mum with MS to look after. What will happen to them if I end up not being able to get up in the morning. 

I feel a tremendous about of pressure to be well but I’m so so tired all the time. The more I kick myself the worse i feel. I’m desperately trying to hide if from people, especially my mum as she needs me but it’s getting hard. I find myself getting snappy and it’s not me. I just hope that all the things they said they can help with like counselling and anti depressants once I get my hospital appointment will start to lift me up again. I hate anti depressants and have tried them 4 times over the years but never got on with them. Perhaps now with the ME diagnosis they will give me more suitable ones.

Anyway, sorry I feel like I’ve just have one big Moan!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Emz2014 on June 09, 2019, 08:53:05 PM
Your mind and body are calling out for gentle self care, being harder on yourself is just going to be like kicking yourself whilst you're down on the floor  :hearts:  you're dealing with alot, whenever you can be kind to yourself. Think of self care - it will all help towards your healing, do your best to eat as well as you can - think veg and fruit, fuel your body as best as you can during this stress.  On days it feels too hard, add a shop bought smoothie or something easy like that

See if there is any very gentle movements you can try - look into tai chi perhaps if you feel at all able. When you can, stop and rest - do something nice for yourself, paint your nails, soak in the bath, watch a film, read a book, make a den with your daughter and rest in it together - anything you can think of to give your mind a rest from the current worries just for a bit  All those little acts add up. If it helps write down all those little achievements of self care - acknowledge your progress (on a really hard day, just getting dressed or having a shower can be a big positive step) 

You can do this, break it all down into little steps.  :hearts: Just like a tall staircase you only go up it by taking one step at a time.   Some days it will feel overwhelming and those days be gentle with yourself.  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on June 09, 2019, 09:26:09 PM
When I rest, watch a film is when I feel my most anxious. My heart starts to beat and I get these strange feeling come over me. I feel like I need to breath more but I can’t catch my breath, it’s a horrible feeling.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Emz2014 on June 09, 2019, 10:55:02 PM
Have you tried anything like adult colouring in? That often helps to focus the mind when you start to concentrate on it so it can ease anxiety feelings. I find that helps me - as you concentrate on the details it helps xx
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on June 10, 2019, 07:54:02 AM
I actually bought one the other day,  my little girl cried because I said it was just mummies book!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on June 10, 2019, 09:46:04 AM
Hi Sarah i think part of feeling more anxious when you are resting is in part due to that feeling that you should be doing something, dashing around after a 3 year old and looking after your mum and all the worry of your ex,s behaviour and your dad,s loss  keeps you in a state of alert so that when you do sit down you are still in that state and it increases because of the feeling that you shouldnt be sitting there, you should be doing something -also if your mum has MS i can see why your ME wuld cause even more anxiety whilst you were waiting for diagnosis so hope fully that will dissipate a little, now that as you say you have a diagnosis -  i agree with Emz mindfulness might help.If the colouring book doesnt help - and it didnt for me, because i still felt like i was not doing something "productive" i solved it by learning to crochet instead - so there is a "useful" end product but when i am doing it my mind is focussed on it.
Also my daughter got me a recipe book called the cake the buddah ate, it was written by chefs at a retreat but is more than just recipes - it sugests  mindfulness practice while doing something as basic as peeling spuds, and odly that worked - not just scraping them as soon as possible but slowing down and focussing on it.I have now got to a stage where i can do things that dont have to be useful - and started drawing occasionally.Maybe that something you could share with your daughter - get the paints out make a mess it doesnt matter what it ends up looking like, might actually be fun to put both on the fridge and get people to guess which is which. (if your drawing level is like mine anyway)

Finally its going to rain for the next few days, grab your wellies and your daughter and go puddle paddling - you wont have the excuse of a 3 year old forever,the day will come when she rolls her eyes and walk off when you do it, so make the most of it - Give yourself permission to have some fun. :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on June 10, 2019, 08:31:23 PM
Daughter is with daddy for a couple of days so just catching up on a few things for when I see a lawyer on Thursday. I have to utilise the days when I don’t feel like a zombie! I feel a little bit of relief that there is actually something medically wrong with me so I can stop beating myself up thinking that I am lazy. I have to try and get through this for my little girl and mum as they need me. I just don’t feel like anyone has got my back anymore😕 My brother has his family and has not stepped up at all since dad died, my mum is very upset. He lives 2hrs away and always uses that as an excuse to not come down and help. He doesn’t realise all the stress I have to deal with. It’s not just helping with all the things that come with a house it’s that if my mum wants to clear out dads clothes she gets me to help. I’m not ready for all of this but there is nobody else to help her. He is lucky, goes on holiday all the time, enjoying his life and has forgotten us here. All I tell myself is that at least I’m doing my best and that if my dad is watching he would hopefully be proud of me!
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on June 11, 2019, 10:10:14 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: I am 100 % certain your dad would be proud of you, and that in some way he is giving you strength to cope with everything that is being thrown at you, but also even when you have time to get on with things that need doing, try to build some time in for yourself.He might have said sit down and have a cup of tea for ten minutes, or get yourself to bed early - only you know what he would have said, but listen too that message, because only by taking care of yourself can you take care of others.At a practical level if your mum has decided she wants to sort his clothes and you are not ready to part with all of them, then ask her if you can take some special ones - maybe a favourite sweater or shirt.
You can also get them made into a memory quilt or a memory bear, which is something people do, there are specialist makers of them, or with a quilt something you could do or a freind who is into sewing could, it is maybe something for your daughter too, so thats another option you and your mum might like to consider in the future, so keeping some back, even if you stash them out of sight for now,might be a good idea. :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on October 08, 2019, 09:48:15 PM
It’s been a while since I posted. To be honest I’m not doing very well at all. It’s been 18 months now since I lost my dad and I miss his just as much as ever. I feel like a can’t move on. I’ve been told I have M.E, I don’t dispute this but I feel like something else is also going on. I feel very effected by the memory of watching my dad die. Any small amount of stress or emotion that I have makes me physically ill. I feel like I have post traumatic stress, I can’t take anything at all. The divorce is still with the lawyers as my husband is just being awkward, I wish I could just walk away from it all but I need the house for me and my daughter. When I think about this I get physically and emotionally sick. I feel like life is pretty meaningless without my dad. I don’t know if this is all tied up with the stress of the divorce. I’m really struggling with my mental and physical health, I’m worried I’m going to break. Waves of electricity go through me when a slightly stressful thought passes into my mind, it’s really horrible. Is any of this normal?
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Buttercup on October 08, 2019, 10:59:16 PM
Hi Sarah,
I am new here myself, I'm sure someone else, more helpful will be along soon with far better help and support, but I saw your new update and wanted to reach out so you knew you weren't alone.
I am certain watching our parents suffer at the end is such an awful experience and it is sure to cause trauma and stress.
You have been incredibly brave so far, bringing up your daughter alone, whilst also caring for your poorly mum and your own health. Along with the stress of your pending divorce (which in itself is huge)
I wonder is your waves of electricity could be anxiety? I know my decision making skills or any last minute change of plans turns me into a useless wreck... Which is so not me at all... One thing I have found helps settle me and kind of grounds me is a mediation app I found online. I know it might sound weird... And each to their own... But once the kids are in bed I would spend 20mins or so with my phone and earphones and listen to this calming voice giving me positive affirmations about my day or my feelings.... I don't mean to waffle on! It worked for me so just wanted to share.
Sending you strength and hope 🤗 ♥
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on October 09, 2019, 10:33:45 AM
If you think about it the top three most stressful things listed are bereavement divorce and house moving - so it isnt at all suprising you are totally stressed out. I know with me i used to be bored with routine and welcome change -whereas after he died i longed for routine and now i l get bored with routine but at the same time terrified of doing anything that takes me out of that routine  and whereas i used to love spur of the moment things i have to have notice now.

One of the ways i deal with that is to be really well organised before the event if its travelling that doesnt stop me packing and unpacking or panicking several times over that i have forgotten my passport and tickets or that there is something in my hand luggage that should be in the plastic bag - but what it does do is it means when those moments of panic arrive i know which pocket my passport is in so a quick look means that moment of panic passes more quickly and doesnt esculate into something more traumatic.IF there is any plus side too that i am so stressed at the airport i no longer fear flying.

Its not just travel but other things that make this preparation helpful in reducing stress, i was always some-one who was colliding with a deadline and pushing it constantly - now i am prepared well ahead of it. In my job creating adverts - where i used to be more spontaneous and therefore more more creative i now have graphics in reserve ready to add text too - just in case - but just in case what - actually i have no idea what - and i dont like that it has changed me in that fundamental way but it is what i do to cope, if i need to fall back on them theyre there so i dont panic.

It can apply to the little things not just major ones - so something as simple as getting your daughter to nursery or play  - is her coat/shoes/packed lunch box all that stuff ready the night before no matter how tired you feel because if its ready to go then the next morning you wont be running around in a panic because the clock is ticking and those physical reactions wont be triggered so that day will be better. Maybe you do that already i am just using it as an example -so apply it to anything where your stress levels go up - you cant do anything about the big things that are going on but you can  the little ones and reducing them might help over-all. Think of it as a pile of stones you can actually physically do this with pebbles -  there are all sizes of stone - the big ones are the ones you cant change that you have no control over at the moment - so take them off the pile - the medium ones now look bigger but there are a lot of tiny ones too -take those away by developing coping stategys for those little things and you dont have a big pile of stones at all you have a handful of stones the medium ones which, because the little ones have all gone you can tackle one at a time when you feel strong enough.
   
Certainly physical fatigue goes with bereavement and stress - we are programmed to react to stress physically in a prehistoic way - to run or fight when a sabre toothed tiger comes into the cave -when we have got away from that danger those physical messages stop and our body returns to normal but it isnt as simple as that now, because now we have other stress factors which trigger those same physical reactions so they dont stop we keep on reacting even when there isnt that danger and of course that then has a physical effect as well,extreme fatigue being one of them.
You could go back too your gp and mention the ptsd - it doesnt just apply to soldiers or abusive childhoods but to any trauma we experience in life so maybe they can put you forward for counselling.   
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on October 09, 2019, 11:53:28 AM
Thanks for your reply. I really think I need to go back to the go. All they wanted to do in the past is put me on anti depressants. I don’t want them, I’ve had bad experiences on these. I just think I need to talk to somebody. I have nobody to talk to about what’s happening to me. I can’t speak to my mum, she has her own issues. I’ve no husband/partner . I’ve lost most of my close school friends during my relationship with my husband. My friend at work are nice but they don’t want to continue listening to me. I got called into the office last week and “kindly” asked to stop bringing my problems into work. I really don’t, but my manager is like a stone. I don’t know where to turn to and I’m loosing the battle I think. I can only deal with so much myself.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Buttercup on October 09, 2019, 01:21:03 PM
Please keep talking on here. You are not alone. I don't have any fancy words or answers but I am here and I will listen. You don't need to carry all of this on your own, off load your worries and feelings here and you will feel better for getting it out your system. Sending hugs ♥
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on October 09, 2019, 06:57:07 PM
Thanks. I need the one thing I can’t have, I need my dad. I want my daughter to have a positive male role model, my dad would have been perfect. Unfortunately she has has an angry little man for a father. She has started to act out, she gets very angry and hits out at me. I know she is finding everything really hard and I’m trying to be a strong mother and and father figure to her. I’m failing at both those roles. I keep telling myself that my dads memory deserves better than what I’m giving it now. I feel like a failure to him. I’m ill, I’m tired all the time. I don’t sleep. I share a bed with my little girl, I do love it but she wriggles and jiggles all night and keeps me up. I just want to go home so she can have her own bed again. She needs to go home. I’m building up great resentment for my husband that he just won’t move out for the time being. I’ve a lot of hate and anger and grief and all sorts. I trying to keep everything pushed down and one day I feel it’s all going to come out.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Emz2014 on October 09, 2019, 09:05:53 PM
Pop back to the Dr and ask if you can be referred for counseling, and whether theres any other support available. Sometimes we need a helping hand
And you're not alone here  :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Buttercup on October 09, 2019, 09:43:59 PM
Oh that is such a lot to be carrying by yourself, I know you said your friends stopped asking or offering help (mine have too) but would there be one of them you could approach for a cuppa and a natter.?or even someone that could mind your little one for just a while so you could have some time out and maybe a nap by yourself?
You are doing an amazing job being a strong mummy and daddy to your daughter, please know that and I am sure your dad is around you every day and is so very proud of your courage and determination.
I am sorry you are having to also deal with your unreasonable ex. Divorce is so hard and heartbreaking, more so when there's a little one involved. Sometimes men can act like spoilt toddlers themselves!
I thank you for keep talking and sharing, I hope it's helping? I wish I could help more, but I am listening and am sending you virtual hugs and strength ♥
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on October 10, 2019, 01:07:59 AM
Hi Sarah, so sorry to hear that everything is still proving so trying for you. I agree with Karena, you are going through all the most stressful experiences we can suffer at once, so don't be so hard on yourself. You are coping really well considering the amount of pressure you are under. My thought was the same as Emz's. I would go back to the doctor and request referral for counselling. I think it is much more beneficial than anti-depressants. Also, how about going along to social services to see if they can help you out in some way? It might be worth asking to see if there are any practical ways you can get some help and relief.

The other thing is to keep reminding yourself that your current situation will not go on forever and things will get better. Once your divorce comes through and your life settles down abit and things are sorted out, the pressure will ease. Until then, you can at least always talk to us here. Buttercup is right. You are not alone.

Sending you a big hug, Sarah.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on October 10, 2019, 07:35:50 AM
Thanks guys. I will go back to the gp and ask for counselling. I know I’m still stuck in watching my dad die, I can’t process what’s happened . I can’t deal with what else is happening because I’m stuck there. The M.E consultant I saw said if I don’t change then I could end up house bound in the future, which terrified me, but don’t know how to stop these symptoms. 
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on October 10, 2019, 07:39:27 AM
People often say but at least you had warning he was going to die.. But I didn't, I switched off from his cancer. I always said to myself, don’t show your emotions, keep it in, be strong so I never acknowledged what was happening.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Karena on October 10, 2019, 12:50:46 PM
I know with your illness its difficult but if you can find a way to let out that anger without harming yourself or anyone else it does help - for me thats walking up the hill behind me so fast i am too tired to be angry - before that though i used to find smashing bottles in a bottle bank helped - -my go to option with familly seemed to be washing up - bizare as that sounds - vigourous washing up - but i never actually broke anything.YOu need something more gentle though - maybe listening to music or meditation -or mindfulness - even a few minutes a day to do something that takes you away from the problems and the anger - maybe even watching - actually watching cbeebies with your little girl - that kind of innocent story telling can be quite therapeutic - al actually follow bing and the clangers on fb - no excuse whatsoe-ever other than theyre a calm in the storm that fb can be.
art is another thing you could consider again it can be quite therapeutic you dont have to be good at it you are doing it for yourself and again something you could do along side her.
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sandra61 on October 11, 2019, 01:58:45 AM
Not sure if this might help, Sarah, but there is a support organisation for M.E. sufferers. If you haven't found it yet, this is the link https://www.meassociation.org.uk/information-and-support-line/ It might help to visit the website to see if they can offer anything to help you with this illness. I have a friend who has had it for some time and does find it helpful. I believe there are local support groups you can go along to as well. Just a thought. Keep your spirits up if you can. You really are in a terribly stressful situation, so don't be too inclined to judge yourself. You need to be kind to yourself at this time.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Sarah83 on October 12, 2019, 07:39:26 PM
Thank you all so much. I do belong to my local M.E support group and have signed up to some M.E forums also. I have had a letter today to say my divorce is proceeding, so that will be sorted by the end  of this year (unless he decides to fight the settlement). I want to start next year fresh. I need to have some peace in my mind. Everything is making the weight of loosing my dad heavier, it’s making it apparent he isn’t here. I need to come to terms with the fact he has gone but can’t because I need his help. I spent everything I have in me trying to bring up my daughter. Obviously I love her with all my heart, but I have nothing for myself and I feel empty in myself. It’s just dawning on me that I will never get over loosing my dad. I’m waiting for when I feel better but it will never be better. My life will mould around a big fat hole. Hopefully and I pray that there is something good ahead. I can’t live the next 50 years (I’m hopeful) feeling like this.