Six months

[Hubby]

Thanks Julie.

It does seem to be new. I don't know if it's just part of grieving, coming to terms with things, reality sinking in or just the weather but I know I don't like it.

Last night was pretty bad and I phoned the Samaritans for the first time in weeks. I was on the phone over an hour. It did settle my head but I've spent today alternating between dealing with the council and breaking down crying. At one point I was doing both at the same time (it's quite funny observing the lost look on council employees faces when a 55 year old man suddenly bursts into tears in front of them). I managed to sort out the council thing eventually after a lot of messing around.

I phoned a tattoo parlour about having Margarets name and a angel tattood on my wedding ring finger but they tild me that it would become blurred pretty quickly so I'm going to have to rethink that one.

Hope you've all had s better day so far.

[Julie Magson]

I love the tattoo idea. I have 3 one of which is a tree of life, the roots signify all my ancestors, the trunk the main body of the family, and there are branches which signify certain people and little swirls for our new additions. The whole thing has lotus blossoms blowing through it. Try ringing other tattoo parlours Hubby and see what they think, or choose another area of your body- a tattoo feels wonderful to have them near us forever.

[Karena]

I think partly its the realisation that this is forever,in the early days even though we know that ,it doesn't quite sink in or we con ourselves into thinking something else happened. I distinctly remember when I was moving house,hanging his dressing gown up and telling myself a little story of him working abroad with no set date to return.Also mix that with an impatience with ourselves,because others start assuming were OK now,we almost think because they expect it we should be OK,the reality is it isn't and we arnt,To me acceptance is not about accepting they'd gone but accepting that grief can come back and punch you in the face over and over again.
Hubby I was not really into gardening except in a general sense of keeping it tidy until I lost my mum.One of her only pleasures towards the end of her life was watching birds from the window,so I put bird feeders where she could see them.After she died I created a memorial area,with the feeders,bird bath and her favourite plants.Then Keith built me a shelter so I could sit surrounded by what she loved,then we built a pond and it grew into a passion for both of us.When I lost him too,I was forced to move and this garden hadn't been touched for years so it was a major job,but I was determined I would build what we had shared and loved as a tribute too them both.It has become like a sanctuary over the years.The physical work an initial outlet for grief maybe even anger, digging a huge pond with a mattock is a great outlet and very tiring, but the place itself has become somewhere I feel closer to them than anywhere else,and because its wildlife orientated I,m never actually alone there.Its just a thought but maybe somewhere to spend those leave weeks and do something along those lines with yours.Even just planning can be an occupation and a distraction from the empty house.

[angela33]

Dear Karena, I so recognised what you were describing in the first paragraph of your reply it felt so similar to my experience and because of that, it brought me a deep comfort - both your points about the realisation (and struggle with acceptance) of the situation being forever and the temptation to play to others' expectations of how you 'should' be at any given stage have been recent struggles and conflicts for me. I feel companionship and support from what you wrote so thank you.

PS I also enjoyed your description of how your outdoor life developed and the way that being in nature helps you. All strength to you as you keep moving into your future

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I had really set my heart on the finger tattoo but looking on the internet they do blur and wear off fairly quickly. It wouldn't really be a permanent statement. I may go for one on my wrist of forearm.

I don't know if it is the realisation that it is forever. I don't think I have even reached that point yet. When I am at my lowest I find myself thinking that it is alla nightmare and that Margaret will wake me from it. I even shout out for her to wake me. I suppose that deep down I know it's not going to happen but that doesn't stop me clinging to the hope.

I had another sobfest this afternoon. My youngest came in with my grandson to cheer me up and it did the trick. My eldest has now returned home so I am no longer in an empty house.

If it's nice tomorrow I am going to try and burn some of the rubbish in the garden and plant a few shrubs. If not I'm going to visit a friend who had a stroke last year and had to move away from the area to be near his family. Either way I have a plan and that's a start.

[Karena]

A plan is always good hubby. :hug:for both you and you too Angela.
My avatar picture is the tatoo I designed,for myself unfortunately it never got further than a design.maybe one day but I can't decide where to put it.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I've put the tattoo on hold until I take another week off work. I might go down and get them to design one for me and have it on my wrist. I stil want something on my ring finger but will go for something simpler.

My plans never came to fruition. It was a bit wet this morning but I couldn't get through to my friend on his phone. By the time I did it was too late to go over to see him as it takes a few hours to get there.

I did a few jobs around the house, tidying in places that havn't been touched in months. Margaret was everywhere today jumping out and surprising me. I found a DVD under the player and put it on. It was a silly thing me and Margaret had made in Blackpool a few years ago with our heads superimposed on cartoon bodies dancing to La Vida Loca. I had completely forgotten it. Margaret was laughing and pulling all kinds of faces and I burst out laughing when it came on. Then I burst out sobbing. I think that's one for my memory box.

Later on I found a pen drive by the computer and didn't know what was on it. It turned out to be photos. The first five I clicked on we're of Margaret and that had me going again.

I'm really pleased I found the video and photos even though they are upsetting to look at. I think my Grandson will particularly like the DVD. Strangely I don't feel sad at all now.

I've a few rough days coming up. I've got counselling tomorrow and my counsellor has learned how to press my buttons now. I've already had a rough week and a bit and I'm not expecting it to be easy. On Thursday I'm going into work even though I am off. I need to use the PC there to do my Timesheet and print off some stuff for Friday when I meet with the bigwigs at the health trust over Margarets time in A&E.

[Hubby]

I got quite busy today.

First the counselling. I arrived early and had revised my plans for the week to include dropping in at work today to do the paperwork and printing to free up Thursday. I had the letter from the health trust in my pocket detailing Margarets stay in A&E which I had been avoiding reading so I read it while I was waiting. This had the effect of having me in tears before the counsellor got a chance to.

During the session she mentioned that it sounded like I was beginning to accept the loss which makes sense to me. I've certainly reached a new point in grieving and at times it is every bit as bad as, if not worse than, the early days.

Even so it is not as debilitating or all consuming as those days. There are still parts of the day that are bearable, even 'normal', although the low points tend to overshadow them.

After the counselling I went to see my friend and had quite a pleasant afternoon with him. We watched quiz programs, had a few cups of tea and I even managed to get home to go for a short walk to get him out of the house ( He has difficulty walking since his stroke)

I then went to the depot to do he printing. As I typed up a timeline of Margarets treatment, or rather lack of it, in A&E the tears flowed freely and it took me a few hours to get down enough on paper to give those who will be st the meeting in Friday a starting point for discussion. I printed it off and went home not getting in till nearly 10pm.

Reading the paperwork again there's a few spelling mistakes but I think they are up to the job.

Hopefully I can get a few jobs around the houses done tomorrow but I might take another trip to the depot to add to the paperwork if my daughters think I've missed anything out.

Take care everyone.

[Brian71]

Your up quite late Hubby, as am I...lol..I'm packing my cases ready for off in the morning.

Hope that meeting goes well on Friday,  you may find it's quite a formal meeting, ie. proper agenda with minutes of the meeting taken. 
I had a phone call myself yesterday morning from the hospital, and our official meeting with the Trusts CEO and other staff will be on October 10th,  they are sending me a copy of their 5mth investigation before hand hopefully it should arrive while I'm away, so I'm looking forward to reading what it has to say,  but after the last meeting I came away with the impression it is not being contested,  but we'll have to see, it will likely end-up being the usual platitudes.

I look forward to seeing you at the Leeds meetup if you decide to go Hubby.   I only decided at the last minute myself as it coincided with a holiday I had booked, but missing one day and staying overnight is no big deal, and it will be nice to meet some of our friends on here.

You take care my friend,  AIS hope all goes well on Friday....

[Hubby]

Cheers Brian. I was up pretty late last night just going through things in my head. The meeting does seem to be quite formal. I've been told that it will be recorded and I will be given a copy when it finishes. Talk about a backside covering exercise. 

This morning I went through the stuff I typed up with my youngest who was also there in A&E. It was very upsetting to me as she can remember everything that went on but I have huge gaps that I have blocked out. She is coming with me which is a good thing as I suspect I will probably break down and not be able to talk.

After we went through that both my daughters and my grandson went with me to Dunelm to buy a couple of bits and pieces. My grandson really cheered me up babbling away in his pram. We had coffee and mince pies (MINCE PIES? It's only September!)

I took the dog for a walk then drove to my depot, ostensibly to do my Timesheet but it also gave me an excuse to use the works van to pick up some shopping.

Other than the cry this morning the day has been pretty bearable but I haven't got much done.

At present I'm all set for the Leeds meet but the final decision will probably be on the morning itself and dependant on how well I handle tomorrow's meeting. Wish me luck.

Hope you all have a good day on Friday.

[angela33]

Good luck Hubby. Will be thinking of you x

[Norma]

Just to let you know Hubby thoughts will be with you today, yes its going to be a hard day for you, but think about it hun, youve already gone through the worst time if your life. Xx

 

[BT]

Hi, I it is just over 5 months since I lost my best friend the person who was my rock.  The 23rd September was the day she died.   I had the day off work and I was fine until later in the afternoon there was a film on that was one of our favourite films we watched together when I lived at home.   I cried a lot that day.    hubby

[BT]

Hi Norma, i agree with 'you have just lived through the worst time of your life' as I believe that I have lived through my worst fear the night I watched mum on a ventilator.    With each Month that passes by I learn something  new about grief and something new about myself not always good or bad.

[Hubby]

Thanks for all the thoughts.

As is often the case the buildup was a lot worse than the event. I couldn't sleep last night eventually dropping off at 5:30. I was up at 8 and was absolutely knackered when the time came for the meeting.

My youngest daughter and myself were shown to a meeting room where we met the head consultant and matron in charge of the A&E along with someone from the complaints department. Nobody from senior management attended.

We made our introductions and I handed over the papers I had prepared and they all read through hem before the discussion proper commenced. I think I managed to get through what I would expect to have happened in an ideal world, what I think went wrong and a few suggestions as to things that could be improved and only had a few minor wobbles in my voice along the way.

As I expected there were a lot of excuses and platitudes by the bucketload but they did admit that the care Margaret got that day was well below what should be provided and genuinely appear to listen and take on board my concerns. They actually appeared gobsmacked when I pointed out to them that for the final hours of her stay Margaret was in a bed waiting for an ambulance that couldn't take her because it's crew were out in the corridor with another patient waiting for a bed.

They were quite impressed with my paperwork, complete with a picture of Margaret and my grandson to humanise the incident, and asked my permission to be allowed to distribute it among the A&E staff to bring to their attention how delays can build up and have knock on effects in the department.

I came away with the impression that little, if anything, would change but at least I tried.

Afte that I did a bit of shopping with my daughter and then went home and had a sleep. I then went to my daughters and bought us all a chippy tea.

I have been feeling a bit subdued all day but, so far, no tears.

All being well I'm hoping to take a trip to Leeds tomorrow