Sam and Jane

[samjane999]

Hello,
my name is Sam and I have decided to join this group cos I think I m getting mental, I dont care too much if I don`t wake up tomorrow, to be honest I dont care about anything right now.
They say, writing all your pain and emotions can help, so here I m.

My partner of 6 years, Jane, has died suddenly a month ago. She was a diabetic, she had many health issues and that weekend when she passed way, she was very physically and mentally worn out. Jane was looking after me cos I had a knee surgery and could hardly move, so everything was down to her. Work, cooking, cleaning, walking dog etc, etc...that weekend she was totally knackered. Also she started to get runny nose and cough too. Plus argument with her daughter about not helping in the house didnt help her at all.
Jane passed away peacefully in her bed. Unfortunately, I wasnt there, I slept in spare bedroom cos of my knee. She was only 48 years old! :-(

And this where all my anger, sadness, helplesness, depression, emptiness, loneliness and mostly that unbearable pain in my heart, all this started.
There is no day, when I dont cry. When I dont question myself why I didnt do that or that.
I hate myself, that I didnt check her sugar more often. I hate myself, that I didnt wake her up to have dinner. But I was so pleased that she finally had some rest in afternoon, that I didnt even dare to wake her up.
I question myself all the time, why I didnt do that, why I didnt do that...  I just feel so quilty, that I might have saved her, but I didnt do enough for her.
I m angry with her daughter, that she didnt help enough her mum, when she was ill.
I have been thinking about Jane every single day. I write her texts every day. And I go to see her grave and talk to her there almost every day.
Mentally, I m totally done. I m empty , depressed, sad, angry. I want to go back in time and do so many things. I want to tell her how much I love her, how I adore her and appreciate her! I want to say all those nice words, that I probably didnt say enough to her. I want to change so many things. I just want her back so much. I miss her so much! It is so painful, she is not here with me anymore.

Jane was my rock, my soulmate, my everything. Of course, we had our differencies, she loved her soups on TV, I hated them. I loved sport, Jane was totally antisport..but we somehow clicked and over those years, we grown into each other and we were very good couple. Yes, we had our ups and downs, as any other couple, but we always made up and carried on.
We were happy. We had everything what we needed. We could not afford everything, but we managed ok. We had many plans for future. Finally we booked our first holiday together this year!
And then suddenly, everything stopped. Everything was gone. I have found Jane in morning and my life turned upside down!  Life is so not fair! I have lost everything that moment!
I have lost love of my life! I have lost my partner! I have lost a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! And my son lost the best step mum in the world!
Life is so cruel and unfair!
And it looks like I have lost everything. Not just my Jane. I have lost my future.
We lived together over 5 years, but we never got married. We talked about that, I think Jane would love to get married, but we just talk about that and I never actually asked the question. After a while, we thought, whats the point, it is just a piece of paper. We love each other and that`s it. Big mistake. By the law, as a partner I have got no rights. There was no will, everything goes to next to kin, her daughter.
And me, who spent money, time, energy on the house (it was Jane`s house), i m left with nothing and facing being homeless soon.
That`s when I get angry and depressed with myself for not being a proper man and didnt take our relationship to next level, a marriage. Now, me and my son are left with nothing, penniless and will need to start somewhere from scratch again. And I m scared. Very scared to start all over again without my Jane.

I cant stop thinking about her. I cry. I grieve. I want her back so badly. My friends say, I should go to see GP, to get help and pills. They think I m getting mental.
There is still so much I would like to write, but I dont want to be boring.
I know nothing can help me, all depends on me. But it is nice to put all my feelings down here and talk about that.
Losing my partner, is really the worst thing that ever happened to me. I m not sure how I m going to cope with that, how my life is going to be from now. To be honest, I just want to sleep and never wake up ever again. If I still didnt have my son and parents here, I m sure I would call it a day and I would follow my Jane. That's how I feel right now

[Emz2014]

You're not going mental, this is grief. Sending you a welcome hug  You are amongst people who understand here, it's a rough journey, hold on in there.   A month is not long at all. Talking will help, take it one day at a time, hour by hour if need be xx

[green dragon]

very sorry to hear about your sudden loss and the situation you are in.

I just wanted to say that expressing yourself here is not boring at all. We have all gone through loss and are here specifically because this is a place where we can talk about loss and our feelings. So write as much as you feel helps you.

going to the GP can help, too. Some of the surgeries offer good counselling services, so you could try that and see how it goes. You also need to see what can be done about the living conditions as I am sure that puts a lot of pressure on you.

[Sandra61]

Hello Sam,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and all the shock, pain and disruption you are going through. 

You are right, writing and talking help a lot. I was never a diary writer before I lost my mum in 2017, but now I write down my feelings and all that I am going through every day. I do find it helps get it out of your system and helps you understand those feelings somehow, so I would recommend you do that.

A month is a very short time, so it is no wonder you feel the way you do. Sadly this is very typical of the effects of grief. We all go through everything that happened over and over in our heads, and asking ourselves all the 'what if' questions. It is easy to think that way with hindsight. 'If only' i'd done this or that, this might never have happened. The truth is that life just isn't like that. We can't see into the future - especially when the person you have lost was so young. You just don't expect it. This isn't your fault. It sounds from what you say as if you were trying your best to be as considerate as possible for your Jane. You are not to blame, however guilty you might feel. I know you can't accept that at present, but, in time, you will. You can't change things and when you begin to accept that and can begin to see things more objectively, you will come to see that. Counselling may help you process some of these feelings, so it may be worth going to your doctor to see if they can refer you for this.

Sadly the body is a fragile and complex thing and people do sometimes succumb to it's weaknesses, whatever their age and not even the professionals can see it coming. It was not your fault.

The despair and the guilt and the lack of interest in life that you describe are all things we, who have lost someone, recognise very well. That is grief. It is such a huge thing to happen to anyone that it is hard to see or want any way forward. I recall getting up in the morning, late, and just sitting in a chair without noticing the time passing until it was dark again and then realising it was time to go back to bed and I had not washed, dressed, eaten or drunk all day, nor even noticed the time going by and then I would go back to bed, unable to sleep for thinking about it all and just crying all the time. So no, you are not going mental; you are grieving.

It does very slowly get better, but there are no rules to grief; no set time till you will feel better; no set way of helping yourself feel better. You just have to find little things that help. I found having flowers around helped. They reminded me that there are still beautiful things in the world and their scent gave me something to enjoy and appreciate. I also found it really helped a lot to get out of the house. Walking and sitting on a bench in the park helped. I found it a calming place to sit and think and try to come to terms with all that had happened. You never really get over it though; grief and loss are things you just learn to live with. The painful memories do slowly recede so that the good ones become clearer again, but it is a long slow journey.

I hope you can talk to Jane's daughter and find a way forward with her. After all, you have all lost the same person you all loved, so you should be trying to support one another, not blame one another. It is not her fault either.

Come back and talk to us anytime. We understand what you are going through, as we have all sadly gone through it ourselves. You are not alone here.

Sending you strength and an understanding welcome hug. 

[Karena]

also sending you a warm welcome - i will repeat what the others have said it is not your fault and you are not going mad,but under all circumstances everyone here will have found a way to feel guilty and everyone here will have asked themselves those what if i had said/done something different.Idid both and the thoughts of going mad came from firstly suddenly out of no-where getting panic attacks at odd times and secondly setting off to walk to work and hesistating at the top of the street looking down through a mist and seeing people going about their every day routines and thinking to myself its ok after-all he didnt die, it was me that died and he is still there somewhere any minute i will see him walk across to the bakery.In a way it was me who had died because the person i thought was me was gone - and getting some of that perso back as well as finding the new person takes a really long time - sometimes you dont like either of them - the person you were who did something so bad they have to live with this guilt why have i turned into a person who will blame others when they were just being who they were and had no more idea than me that their actions might trigger this -then  the person you have become, sad, angry, out of control, scared (i also faced homelessness)

But over that time you find ways to live with the guilt and see that none of us have crystal balls and none of us ever acted with anything but good intent, you allowed her to rest because you recognised she needed to rest,and that was an act of love not an act of some-one who has anything but the other persons best interests at heart.
The new person will evolve you learn to deal with the anger - for me thats a march up the hill behind where i live now so i am too tired to have that angry energy, for others here it has been going somewhere in the middle of no-where and screaming,or just saving up bottles so you can smash them into a bottle bank.
Slowly you do take back some control of your life - any part of your life that you take back even a tiny bit of control of starts to make up for those things you cant contol - so as things stand the massive worries of homelessness will dominate your life but something as small and irrelevant as tidying your sock draw can give you the feeling that everything isnt as out of control as it seems.
I wonder whether her daughter will throw you out - surely not, and it will take time for the house to be hers, probate can take a while even when everything is clear cut.But also even though you blame her in part owning the house isnt the same as running it - can she pay for the council tax and the bills and the insurance and all those things that have to be paid for -does she even know how to go about paying bills let alone afford them - does she have any idea how lonely an empty house can be. (I had to move because i couldnt afford to stay where i was on one wage so different reasons but still the same questions)
But it isnt just that of course,  but whether you want to stay, will her messiness be a constant reminder of that day, will she take advantage but not take responsability for any of those things but expect you to still do everything and pay for everything, can you get on together,can she be a good sister for your son - you dont say how old either of them are so its difficult to tell.

On the other hand do you want to move somewhere new, where what about your sons school, what can you afford, can you get help with rent, can you get on the register for low cost housing, so many questions and right when you are at your most vulnerable,
Unles you and her daughter are badly estranged i think it might be an idea if you sat down and discussed it - both of you need some space to think about all these things, and you need to know what your options are, so maybe if she does want you to leave, she can agree to an interim period that you can stay, while you get all this sorted and look for somewhere.

Finally never say sorry for writing down your feelings here and never think you are being boring -there is no point in us being here if you cant do those things, and yes we are more than that as you will see from having an everyday chat section - when i first came here i never imagined i would use that laughing emoji up there, i was quite shocked it was here i never imagined i would laugh again in any way but i have found over the years i do use it and i do laugh as well as cry, and i use everyday chat for everyday conversation because i am tired of talking to the wall -  but principally this is a bereavement site and no-one ever has to say sorry for long posts.     

[samjane999]

Thank you for your reply and advice guys.
I understand it will take a long time to get through all the emotions. It is exactly 1 month now since Jane gone. The pain in heart and brain on overdrive is unbelievable. Thinking of her every minute. Missing her texts, her calls, her happy voice. Missing everything of her.
But I m sure, each of us here, know the feelings. I just need to find a way how to live with that for the rest of my life. I dont know how tho, cos the hole in my heart and soul is so big. Not sure I will ever heal.

Her daughter is 22, with boyfriend and she cant wait to move into the house. I know she lost her mum, she misses her, but on the other hand, she was just given a fully furnished and decorated house. And I need to leave. And that`s another pain and grief that I really dont need. Waiting for solicitor letter to find out when I need to pack up and go.
My son is 11, I see him every 2 weeks. Will probably move closer to him, so we dont need to travel as much as now when is our weekend. But as I cant afford to rent a flat or house on one income only, I will need to go for a share accomodation only, which is far from perfect for me and my son. And coming from a lovely house to a single room in a share house will be shock and big unjustice on me. Single and lonely. Life really showed its nasty face to me. One day I got everything, wife, house, happy family life, next minute I got nothing and I need to start all over again. At the age of 46, i m really not up for it. All I want is to close my eyes and sleep for ever.

[Karena]

 :hug:I agree not ideal at all - maybe the daughter would let you rent a room off her, but emotionally that would probably be more difficult than leaving in reality and she probably at this point has no idea about the implications of running her own house so wont see the sense in doing that either.
I guess it depends a lot on where you are as regards affordability but sometimes air bnb has long term room or studio lets, so that might be one place to look that others also looking might not think of - but also look into universal credit as there is a standard payment but also a top up for private rentals it is based on income rather than on you being on other benefits and if you are still not able to work because of you knee then there may be some extra until its better, you might be able to get some towards your own place,i think the must be in shared accomodation is for younger people, if not even a one bed place where you have the room to yourself maybe a sofa bed might make it more comfortable for your son to still stay over.MAybe if you are the outdoor type the two of you could spend some weekends camping over the summer months - most lads that age i know love camping and it would give you both some breathing space from a shared house.
 
Not suprising you feel so awful having to deal with all this and your grief, it is grossly unfair and picking up the pieces is not going to be easy it can only really be done one small piece at a time sometime you can feel like you dropped them all again on ths journey its a massive roller coaster that you never wanted to get on but eventually those big slopes and drops will get less steep.

[samjane999]

I just feel all injustice of the world. I m in a desperate situation. I didn't get into this cos of my fault (except, that I should have called ambulance for her or check her sugar etc) but here I m, my happy life through out of window like that.
And all the sorrow and sadness turns into anger. I so want to shout, how the world is cruel, nasty. Why am I being punished? Isnt it enough that my love , my lovely Jane is gone and I will stay on my own till I die, but also I can become a homeless?
Sorry for ranting. I just find it totally unfair.
Anyway, I need to man up. That`s what I would advice to anybody else. Man up. You are still alive, you got son, you need to man up and carry on whether you like it or not.
How sad it is, that when this has happened to me, I dont feel like man up. I dont feel like carry on living. I see future in very black colours right now. I m so tired and empty inside. Can hardly function.
But hey ho - I will carry on, cos I have to. I dont want to, but I have to. We will see how many days, months or years I will be here. Idea of suicide is still on my mind and makes me feel calm and happy.

[Karena]

Dont apologise for ranting you are absolutely right its not fair. As for man up - if you think hiding all this is man -ing up then dont - you dont have to "man up" you have been and are going through something horrendousm and all your feelings are understandable - they dont make you less of a man you are a human in pain and its ok to express that pain.
 As for your feelings about suicide i replied at length on that thread, i hope some things i have said might be useful. Keep talking,keep writing,take tiny steps forward,and be kind too yourself None of it is your fault. 

[Sav]

I lost my one in a million and like you I truly don’t care if I don’t wake up tomorrow, my two dogs have been what get me up every morning and the loss of my beautiful partner has made me now think seriously and want to put into place the only thing that’s important to me, that in the event of anything happening to me my dogs will be together and safe as I have learnt the pain and mess left when a love one passes , bless you and although it is unbearable, you are not alone x