Author Topic: Hello  (Read 4950 times)

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Offline Kelly89

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Hello
« on: May 25, 2019, 02:13:49 PM »
Hi Everyone,

My name is Kelly. My husband, Danny, died a little over a week ago. He was having a hard time at work, but I just didn’t know how bad he was feeling. He left early for work last Wednesday and never came home. This was 3 days before his 30th birthday.

People are being supportive and checking in on me, but I’m really struggling. I feel like a massive burden on everyone. My natural default is to try to look after everyone. When people are around I feel guilty, but being alone feels bad as well.

We were 2 days away from buying our first home, so I’m now having to pack everything up as I’ll be moving in with family for a bit until I can find somewhere to rent that’ll also accept our dog. It’s meaning I’m having to go through all his things before I’m really ready to. We got married in August, and now looking at anything to do with the wedding is making me so sad.

I’ve joined because I thought it might help to meet people in a similar position. Being widowed at 29 makes me feel like such an odd one out and like there’s something wrong with me. He was my best friend and the one person I truly felt comfortable with, so I’m having a really tough time getting my head around the fact he’s gone.


Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2019, 10:23:07 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug   :hug:  you're amongst people who understand here.  Its early days, be gentle with yourself  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Kelly89

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2019, 12:13:48 AM »
Thank you for the lovely welcome.

I feel like people back away any time I try to talk about all of the practical things - there’s going to be an inquest, so nothing is straightforward. I don’t want to go into details with people obviously, but it makes me feel like it’s all my stuff to deal with alone and that’s definitely adding to me feeling lonely.


Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2019, 01:28:00 AM »
Oh Kelly, I'm so sorry. This must be terribly hard for you in so many ways.

I think with this amount of shock, sudden change and all the stress that goes with all that, you must be feeling like you are living in some kind of nightmare right now. All I would suggest is that you try to take care of the basics for the moment, literally just the basics. You need to ensure the necessary things are done - money sorted, etc - but otherwise just eating and drinking enough and trying to get some rest.

I'm glad you have a dog. Pets are a great comfort when you are going through something terrible. They seem to sense it and try to be there for you, in my experience. I'm glad you have your family to support you also. Try and talk about what has happened and try writing it all down and keeping a journal of how you feel and what you are thinking about each day. You will find this gives some release to your feelings and you need that too.

You can always talk to us here too. We are all here after suffering a loss too, so much of what you are feeling and have already expressed will be very familiar to us, so I am sure you will find support here too. You are not alone and we are here for as long as you need us.

Sending you a welcome hug and strength..xx  :hug:

Offline green dragon

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2019, 11:11:41 AM »
My condolences, Kelly. It is terrible what you are going through. Try not feel like such a burden, though. It is most likely you that makes you feel this way, since you say your default setting is putting everyone at ease. Sure, some people will act as if you are a burden but others will surprise you pleasantly. Those are the ones you can open up to, they will listen. Death of a loved one is one of the things that most people can relate to and most will be nicer to you than usual. Soon enough, though, most people will start expecting you to move on, even though it is not how we function. Give yourself at least three months to deal with your deepest grief without beating yourself up. I have to say I did not feel like I should allow myself that amount of time (I know, I am acting like it was years, not months) and I was wrong. It takes a good while (longer than that) and you have to focus on yourself. If ever there was a time to think about yourself, this is it.

On the other hand, dealing with the practical stuff, even if it is not straight forward (is usually is not), can be better than inactivity. If you have no one else to talk to, you can always unload here. You should also consider grief counselling, especially if you really have no one you can talk to.

From one animal lover to another, I will let you in on my dirty secret: I have always been able to get my cats into anywhere I moved because - I always denied I had pets when questioned. I know it is lying but it is also hard enough to get a decent place to rent and I am game to pay for/fix the damages, so...

Offline CarolineL

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2019, 10:02:16 AM »
Hi Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age and with your issue of finding a home etc. There is no good time for something like this to happen but you have been hit hard and for that I do sympathise and can only offer one small piece of advice. Look after yourself as best as you can, eat and sleep when you can. The financial stuff is a pain when you are in so much pain and unfortunately needs to be done so you can then get on with grieving. Good luck my dear and know that on this site there is all sort of people who are going through the same as yourself and who will offer support and advice for as long as you need it x  :hearts:

Offline Kelly89

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2019, 10:36:20 AM »
Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for being so welcoming, it’s really comforting to know that other people get through something like this - at the moment it feels insurmountable.

 It’s going to be a challenging week, as we have our viewing at the funeral home tomorrow. I need to see him to make it feel real - at the moment I keep going on auto pilot and thinking he’ll be home soon and then I remember that he won’t be and it’s so so sad. On the other hand, I’m scared of going because then it’ll hit me he’s really gone and I don’t think I can face that. If that makes any sense.

Last night his mother was texting me asking if I had no clue what was going to happen, and I got really angry. If I’d had the slightest inkling, I would have done anything to help him. I blame myself so much. I knew he was stressed about work but we were due to be on holiday from the Friday, and it just never occurred to me that this would happen. I thought we’d have 2 weeks off and he’d relax and forget about work and it would be ok. I had a missed call from him at 5:30 that last morning. I was asleep so I didn’t hear it. I keep thinking what would have happened if id answered and I feel so guilty.

Offline green dragon

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Re: Hello
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2019, 12:52:49 AM »
Don't let anyone guilt trip you about what happened. It's normal for people to start apportioning blame because that's how some people cope with situations like this, but still, let it wash over you, her methods of coping are honestly not your problem. Nobody ever knows everything about someone else, even about the closest ones.

I hope seeing him will be a positive experience for you. I found it a lot less creepy than I thought. It's still a bit hard to describe, the impact it had on me, but it was a positive one that I don't mind thinking back on from time to time.

Offline Kelly89

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Re: Hello
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2019, 09:01:38 AM »
Thank you. It’s good to get a perspective of someone who has been to a viewing.

The viewing is in a couple of hours. I was originally feeling like it was something I had to do and that I’d be ok doing, but the closer it gets the more scared I feel about seeing him. I think it’s because it’ll all be real then and I won’t be able to block out what’s happening anymore.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2019, 11:16:12 AM »
Hi Kelly -welcome to this site, even though such an awful thing brings you here.  :hug:

In terms of sorting stuff i had to move when my husband died and rather than sorting through his stuff i boxed it all up and left sorting through until i was better able to do that.

 I was with him when he died but still experienced that feeling of he will walk through the door so dont be suprised if that continues even after the viewing, and the guilt is something which all of us experience in some way - we all have said what if i had done or said something differently,with me it was if i hadnt called the ambulance he would have been able to go home -which was what he kept asking me to do - so i denied his last request but in reality i know if i hadnt called the ambulance i would always have felt guilty that maybe they could have saved him - there isnt a winning situation with these feeling

This wasnt the first time i was widowed. The first time he was only just thirty and died of cancer but i found out his brother was saying i must have given him cancer - we know thats not possible, and in the same way you know you had no idea from his behaviour, even knowing he was stressed doesnt mean you could have predicted what he would do.But when some-one else is saying it then that makes it even more painful, i think from her perspective she is also in so much pain that she didnt think about yours when she asked you that, grief can take away all  rational thought sometimes.

I lost a close friend to suicide, it was his third attempt all his friends knew and we all tried to help, and make sure one of us was with him as much as possible but in the end he went to great lengths to escape our vigilence - by booking train tickets then not using them and sending a timed e-mail to the police saying where he was - just behind his house, so that they would find him rather than a member of the public. While we were scouring Wales for him.  The thing is when some-one is determined, even when we know he is, they can hide their intentions and there is nothing we can do about that - had you answered the phone call he might very well still have not told you anything. But that doesnt take away the guilt all of us felt it was our fault, that we had let him down. Living with that guilt no matter its source is something that takes a long time to accept, because we can never have the certaintys we yearn for,but the pain of that guilt lessens as we learn to accept that we will never have all those answers.

Finally when i comes to being a "burden" i also felt that way,i had bereavement counselling and she said - if it was your friend/relation in the position you are in wouldnt you want to help them, or would you see them as a burden, because we are not so different from them and of course we would want to help them.
She also said if you see that love for you as a gift from those people and you give some-one a gift which they reject then you are going to feel hurt,so t is ok to accept that gift and not see yourself as a burden.

Keep coming here as it does help to write things down, it helps us make sense of our own emotional state,  it doesnt stop them but making sense of them makes a difference, and sometimes when you think you are going mad, or not grieving properly or a myriad of other things that can happen that we dont expect, some-one here will say, this happened to me too, and that helps because you realise you are not alone, and when we are treading a path like this one the people in front may have found ways to cope with the great big craters which work for you too. 

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Hello
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2019, 11:29:53 AM »
Oh Kelly when I read these things I try to imagine what you are going through and that's truly heartbreaking.

Your loss is one of the most mind tormenting situations that can happen, so I really sympathise very much indeed as I'm sure it can be unbearable at times.

Many years ago a member posted the following letter, and for me helped understand a little more as I hope it will for you too.

<<What's to be said about suicide? What can be helpful to us when we lose a loved one in this way? There are, as for all the great mysteries of life, no definitive answers that dissolve all pain and questioning. But there are some important perspectives of which we must never lose sight.

First of all, at this time in our history, for all kinds of reasons,  is still perhaps the most misunderstood of all deaths. We still tend to think that because it is self-inflicted it is voluntary in a way that death through physical illness or accident is not. For most suicides, this is not true. A person dying of suicide, dies, as does the victim of physical illness or accident, against his or her will. People die from physical heart attacks, strokes, cancer, AIDS and accidents. Death by suicide is the same, except that we are dealing with an emotional heart attack, an emotional stroke, emotional AIDS, emotional cancer and an emotional fatality. This comparison is not an analogy. The two kinds of heart attacks, strokes, cancers and accidents are indeed identical. In neither case is the person responsible for his or her own death and in neither case does the person leave this world of his or her own will.>>
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2019, 08:19:27 PM »
Hope the viewing went ok. It is indeed a personal choice, there's no right or wrong, just what you feel is right for you at the time.  I went to a viewing and personally found it an opportunity to say goodbye
Sending a hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Kelly89

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Re: Hello
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2019, 10:23:49 PM »
Hi All,

Thank you for the continued words of experience. It’s helping me feel less alone.

Karena, I think I will just box everything and go through it later. I’ve made a start but it’s too hard. I gave some things to his family after the viewing today because I want to try and ease their pain and I thought having some of his things would help. I ended up giving up 2 things I didn’t want to part with, but then I felt awful for being selfish. And I’m so so sorry to hear youve been widowed twice - I can’t ever going through this again, it’s heartbreaking. You’re so strong.

I keep playing our last conversation over on my head and I feel so guilty. I was trying to help but because he was obviously feeling more fragile than I knew, what I said had the opposite effect. It’s as you said, I feel like I’ve let him down. I always wanted to protect him and I tried, but I failed him.

Dave, thank you for the wise words. I’ve been trying to remember that he was poorly, and that it’s no less real than a physical health problem. I’m just finding it so hard to understand why he’d leave.

 Emz, it was a lot less scary than I thought it would be. It made me really crushingly sad but I’m glad I went. I got to say all the things that have been going round and round in my head and although It was hard leaving him there, seeing him has helped me start to accept that’s just not him anymore, which I just wasn’t getting my head around before.

I wish so much that I believed in something after. The idea that I’ll never see him again is so painful. His mum has faith in that kind of thing, but I just don’t. I really want to, but I don’t.

Offline green dragon

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Re: Hello
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2019, 02:51:41 PM »
I really want to, but I don’t.

why not? Think about what is stopping you. Is it logic? Is logic real-real, or is it just something our minds have constructed to make sense of the physical world but is quite poor when applied to things we have no clear concept about? Also, do beliefs have to be set in stone (ie, once you decided you believe, there is no changing your mind)? Who or what would you be failing if you used belief vs logic to help you get through this difficult time? I offer these questions as someone who is a very logical person and who has returned to a more logical mindset (but not entirely as rigid as before) once the period of most intense pain has passed.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2019, 04:35:40 PM »
 :hug: whether you have faith or not, he is still and always will be part of you, and i know that "he is in your heart" is one of those glib things people will say to you and will probably eventually irritate you - because you dont want him just in your heart you want him physically here,  but it does have more meaning than a glib comment meant to sooth you,and the first way in which that is the case is that over time you will find yourself thinking more of his whole life with you rather than focussing entirely on the end of it.
Some times you will cry at a reminder and other times smile through those tears as you take the part of that memory that maybe made you smile at the time, or maybe was something he said or did that was typical of him , even something irritating  that becomes part of him that you love, and that state grows, even without that  item or that song or whatever triggered it being present, and you find yourself still talking too him, thinking what would he have said and done about anything you have a dilemma over, even at a practical level what would his solution have been, what would he have wanted for you, - for me with Mark it was to go back to college and finish what i started before he got ill, i did that and  much more than that original simple course, because i wanted to make him proud of me even though he wasnt here.

You never stop loving them and the bond between you changes when they are not physically here, but it doesnt break, it becomes something different.
If you imagine a bond not as something fragile but as something strong that is also elastic and moves in different directions, and through out our lives we form bonds with different people,and all those bonds are different in some way, but each one is woven into a net and so each one is equally important and doesnt become less so or disapear because we cant see it. 

The second time, with Keith i was anything but strong to be honest, it was a massive struggle and i couldnt find any incentives for a long time, the Kids were grown up with their own lives and didnt live nearby,my friends were also scattered and i had only a couple here,  and it felt like there was no point in my existance because there was no -one who needed me around, so i decided if i couldnt live life for myself i would do it for him, carry on doing the things he loved to do, do some of the things we said we would but didnt get round too, and a couple of things he would have liked to do and frankly terrified me, that i would not have done had he been here, but sat and watched him do but that was no longer a possability and i had to do them myself.
So even though he isnt here it still feels like he is still guiding me, not just guiding but pushing me forward, but it doesnt mean the bond with Mark isnt also still there or the bond with my mum and dad and everyone else i have lost.


When it comes to faith,
I didnt have any either but i did want to find something to believe in, so i looked for something but i didnt find it in any single cultural belief system, each one had  flaws that i couldnt get past.so i found myself looking in the last place i wanted too because i thought it would trash any hope of finding a faith, science.

You might be too exhausted to think about this in detail now  so i wont go into the finer details,
 
So we know we are made up of particles which create energy and we know energy cannot leave the planet but takes a different form, be it light,heat, kinetic movement, or by being joined with another form to create something else, which in short  covers ghosts orbs tree spirits, re-incarnation angels etc - all of that can be explained by physics, the ghost being simply a collection of electrons covered in dust which take on the form of a human, etc etc  - but it doesnt necessarilly explain it in the way which debunks those faiths any more, and between quantum physics and the science of consciousness it makes them more likely and it filled some of those gaps i couldnt fill just by looking at the faiths.
 
   
So my faith now is to always accept that something is a possability, and that when i feel him around me. he is not in the form he was when he was the physical person standing next to me , maybe not in the form he was last time i felt him around me, because there is a constant change of the way energy moves and changes form , but i recognise him as different from other changes in energy around me, because of that need after quantum changes for electrons to come back together to re -establish physical patterns and interactions and because of the subconscious part of us that hasnt needed to change but can have moved with us into the new form so we retain a level of awareness of each other.

And so if i dismiss that feeling as silly then maybe it is more silly to dismiss it than to just accept and cherish it . - and if i am wrong then there is nothing to lose,but there was a huge amount to gain from starting believing in something and  not being comiited to one faith system alone and therefore confined within the parameters which are set by societal rules of those faiths.