Anxiety can be a big effect of grief - its only natural really when the reality of how life can be taken hits then you get about those loved ones who remain in particular, or that not being at home means you will not be there "when" something else happens - and we do get into a state of thinking "when" something else happens not "if" something happens -we almost get to the point of subconsciously thinking if we do our routine - go home do the same chores watch the same tv programs then we can pretend it didn't happen or that nothing else like that will happen - so it becomes like a safety blanket -
I am not sure where the social anxiety comes from - perhaps it starts when in the early days we don't know what to say and people dont know how to react too us - whether we want others to be sympathetic so we end up having a public meltdown -and on the other hand life is anything but normal for us it is for them can we bear to see that and if they say nothing then we start to think they don't care about us or we think we are an embarrassment or even a burden we might spoil the party - which makes it difficult to even go out at all -
Its also a natural instinct certainly initially to go into a lair to hide away - sentient animals do that as well and we are not so removed from them as we might like to think.
I think i always had social anxiety to some level it just didn't have a name before - but since my husband died it has got so much worse - he was the social one i was happy standing in his shadow when it came so social things - but whether it is grief or something else - there are ways you can learn to live and cope with it, props you can use -when i was having panic attacks just doing day to day things i carried a pebble i picked up on a beach with me all the time - so holding the pebble in my hand reminded me of the beach and the tranquility of hearing the the rhythm of waves coming in and out helped me breath too that rhythm.
Another thing i do is carry a camera - i set myself a task - to take a series of photos - silly things but very focused things - car radiators at a vintage steam fair - building gable ends when i had a few hours to wait in Manchester city centre - in my mind it gives my presence validity - and takes my mind away from other people - i know everyone isn't looking at me and thinking i don't belong somewhere so i shouldn't be there, but what i know and what i feel in some situations are very different.
I also check for an escape route - whether that's literally a building exit or the ladies room in the building or getting somewhere early then walking round looking for a space - maybe a tree with a bench under or something - (in my case the natural world is the greatest healer and always where i have run too) but somewhere not far from where i am staying, so i know where it is and where to head for if things get too much.
The biggest weapon is finding which dragons you need to slay and which you can just avoid - so for example i can travel to Africa but i cant walk into a coffee shop on my own not even in my own town - but i have a lot of incentive to go to Africa and none to walk into the coffee shop for others doing that is important so that's their dragon - for me i,m not a foodie i don't want to eat out - if i need to eat there are plenty of sandwich shops - so i can walk round that dragon it isn't standing in the way of something i really need to do -
To get to Africa i have to take on a lot of dragons but i really want to go so it goes something like this
"stand in an airport queue - on my own surrounded by strangers" feel anxious "what if i haven't checked my passport and tickets and they are not exactly where i put them in my hand luggage" -stomach churning "what if i don't have the right things all in my plastic bag for security and something is in my hand luggage that is a liquid " anxiety ratchets up "what if i get in a panic - and they will all be looking at me" and up it goes again "maybe i will get hauled out of the queue and searched or arrested if i have a panic attack " - and by this point the chances are i have got so anxious there is a bigger chance i will - those thought processes still go on - but now i have a strategy so as soon as one arises i know exactly where everything is in my luggage,which rules apply in which transition countrys,as soon as i get there i find the gate - no matter how many hours i have to do it in they will be anxious hours if i don't know where to go - then work back from it to loos lounge etc so everytime one of those anxiety provoking thoughts arises i can quickly answer it and stop the anxiety going up and up to melting point.
I can go all modern and get an e-ticket on my phone - "but what if the machine isnt working at the airport what if that little airport doesn't even have the machines - what if my phone dies" - well there will be at least two printed copies with me just in case -so i might look confident - and just looking confident helps - so here i am like looking like mrs cool, well seasoned traveler when i am i am far from it - because so much prep has gone into it -and i wont have slept for a couple of weeks before - and now i look around sometimes and think maybe other people who look the same way are also far less confident than they seem maybe social anxiety is something far more people have than we know so maybe it doesn't make me different or odd or mad at all.
So my point is - go for the things that give you the most incentive - the things you really want to do, and work out how to overcome the issues you think you might find drive increased anxiety to get there and don't worry about the things you don't want or need to do.
Would going back to where she lived help - i don't know maybe things will have changed to the point it upsets you what if some-one trashed the garden she spent hours making nice - but maybe there was a place in the area she used to take you -somewhere the memory's cant be ruined in quite the same way by the passage of time or new ownership - a park maybe or a picnic spot somewhere with happy memory s.
I had to leave our home i couldn't afford to stay and it broke my heart even more - and i haven't been back i know it has changed i know the pond we built got filled in and the hedge ripped out it doesn't belong to us and i want to remember it as it was not as it is now - and the village - well that will be the same mostly - but i cant be part of it any more -which is also heartbreaking.
But i have been back to places we went on holiday or for days out and even though it feels like a difficult thing to do at first - one of those was the place we headed too every chance we got, to watch dolphins it was the place we were going to retire too -i thought going back would be too cruel -but we both loved the place it made no sense for me to stop loving it and watching the dolphins was my thing - he enjoyed it, but it was my passion i lost him i lost our home and my community - what more was is supposed to give up so i went back i will never retire there now but when i do go i feel closer to him there than anywhere.
We are all different - you will have your own things that you want to do and need to overcome -and your own places for healing -and maybe counseling would be a starting point, but if you develop some kind of strategy, you can move forward living with grief keeping them in your heart and taking them forward with you and living with social anxiety so it doesn't stop you living your life how you want too.
