Hi Kitty
Red is my favourite colour too!
What you have written really resonates with me as I lost my Mum in December. I too had already lost my Dad and I'm only 44. I feel exactly how you do. There are days I literally cannot function and nor do I want to. I've contemplated suicide because the pain is just too great, but I know she wouldn't want me to do that.
I managed to get through the funerals of both my parents but I honestly think we go on to autopilot. You do look back and think 'how did I do that?' I do remember thinking I couldn't go to either, or find the strength to prepare for either (the arrangements). But I did it.
My Mum's favourite colour was lime green. She had lovely green eyes (I don't know anyone with the same colour), so I wore green to her service. A lot of other people honoured her with bright colours as this was encouraged. Even the funeral director and the staff wore green ties which was a lovely touch, she would have liked that.
I don't know how to keep going either. I think what is making it worse is this Coronavirus is really depressing in an already very depressing time.
I'm not sure I'm much help to you but wanted to let you know I'm feeling the same way as my Mum was my best friend and I would give just about anything to have her back. Sending you lots of love.