Hello Kitty, I am so sorry for your loss.
What you describe sounds like a perfectly normal way of grieving. We do all experience most of what you describe at some point after a loss. I remember vividly not feeling that life had any point anymore and wondering if my own life had any value anymore, but I assure you it does. Two years into this new life, I am still here, still battling on and you do at least have your family to live for.
Loss is just such a massive thing to go through and it isn't like it lasts for a bit and then you feel better. It makes a different person of you that you have to learn to live with. Your world is forever changed and your outlook on life with it, so you not only have the loss of your loved one to deal with, but a new you, a new reality and an altered future. No wonder it feels like a complete catastrophe that has ripped your world from under your feet.
It does get better, but it's a slow journey and once you are a grieving person, you will always be that, even though you will have days when things are better.
Your friend will never really be gone from you because they will always be present in the love you go on feeling for them and in the gift of the memories they left with you and the little treasure of the time you had with them in your life. You will hear their advice or their laughter as you go forward in your life and wonder what they would have said in response to a question or request for advice or see something that makes you laugh. You will remember the good times you had when you revisit places you went together. They are part of you because you loved and treasured them, so they can never be gone from you entirely; you just can''t see them anymore.
I find grief is something you have to work to stop from overwhelming you and to do that you have to find things that help. For me, that is walking in the park and having flowers around, finding new interests to explore and distract me from it for a while. Living with grief is draining and you do need things to distract you for a while from it and help you look towards the future and see that you do indeed have one.
You can move forward from this Kitty, but you have to find the little things in life that help you do that and work at it. Grief doesn't just stop at some point. Sadness will be part of us as a result of loss on and off for the future, so you have to accept that, but also realise that there will still be better days and better to some extent, because of the good times you had with the person you lost that makes you sad. The good friend you had was a treasure to hold in your heart forever, not a reason to give up on life. Life is a thing that is ever changing and we have to hold on to the good things and count our blessings to give us the strength and optimism to be able to move forward with it and make it as good as it can be.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does. We who have known loss, know what you are going through and can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey is rough and painful, but there are better days ahead. Stay strong. Sending you an understanding hug.
