Author Topic: Hi all :/  (Read 1267 times)

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Offline Paulsky

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Hi all :/
« on: March 03, 2020, 09:39:48 PM »
Hey there,

Im Paul, recently (1st Feb) I lost my best friend of 16 years, he was a brother to me and I considered his friendship a vital part of my life, I would of protected his life with mine and he is the only one who could get me laughing for 30 minutes straight and I him. But cancer made me watch him deteriorate over 7 months and eventually he lost his life just 2 days before my next visit. The loss is really hard, I've never had it this hard with a death before, I miss him deeply


Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hi all :/
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2020, 11:40:54 AM »
So sorry to hear of your recent loss. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug:

Offline Knightingale

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Re: Hi all :/
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2020, 07:19:08 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, I lost my friend last year and am absolutely devasted. Like you I have experienced other deaths, my mum and dad, but I never felt like this. It's so difficult because people think "it's only a friend”, there seems to be a “pecking order“ for grief and when it's a friend you're at the bottom of the pile. I've tried to get bereavement counselling and when you explain that it's your friend and not a partner, parent, sibling etc, they relegate you to the end of the queue. I can't even find out why he died because I'm not family, even though he didn't have any. I hope you have someone to talk to, I don't have anyone who knew him, so that makes it more difficult. Your friend was important to you and what you shared was unique to you. Cherish the memories and hold on.
There is a light that never goes out.

Offline Paulsky

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Re: Hi all :/
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2020, 09:30:03 PM »
Thanks Knightingale, I have some people to talk to, and while its getting better, the heartache is still hard, I know what your going through as my memory is rubbish, I get nothing but glimpses of the past.

Some friends become family and my friend made me and my friends a family, that meant that we all took it hard, im still waiting for a psychologist for depression (3 years now) and I have some counselling from college for anxiety/ depression, but I feel like its hard to want to go on, im not suicidal, but i did nearly "give up" after he died and I felt like I was going to die through that alone. Luckily I have my girlfriend to give me a reason to live but its still hard, he was so hopeful and happy till the moment he left us.

I know what you mean when you say that family doesnt hit as hard most of the time, ive lost a couple of grandparents in my life, but their deaths didnt leave me grieving for more than a week or two. I miss him...

im sad to hear that your still devastated, makes me worry if I can ever get over this pain. I hope things get easier for you mate. It must be difficult for you not knowing how he died, I cant imagine the level of shock you must of felt when you heard the news.

Also, thanks a lot Sandra  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi all :/
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2020, 11:28:37 AM »
On here no grief is more or less valid than another there isnt a pecking order - because life shows us things are not that straight forward and grief cant be put into boxes and compartments.

I think with a friend we maybe open up more - with family there are always dynamics - you cant easily talk about what a sibling has done to upset you too a parent the same way you can to a friend  because the parental instinct is always to defend all their children and to sort it out, because they have the same loyalty to both of you -but with a friend they don't have the same loyalty  - they are primarily your friend - not your mum and dads or siblings -or partners friend  if that makes sense - you can talk to them without starting a family row - you probably have other things in common -you don't have with siblings or parents - they are around your age they went to school with you -you have the same social time in the same space interests in common -or maybe work together -many of us spend more time with friends than family as we grow up - move out of home and maybe move some distance away as well.

Also maybe age plays a part at some level - much as you love your grandparents and miss them there is is also what we have been programmed to think of as a natural world order - and when the expected order is suddenly out of whack its a shock - it also makes you more aware of your own mortality.
With a partner - there is a different kind of love - but a massive part of that love is based on friendship and a lot of what you miss is that friendship -  someone you go places  with, do things together talk too about anything  spend more time with than your original family.

But its not always the case - you cant stereotype based on anything that can be measured by ticking boxes or labeling people in some kind of priority order   -  for some their gran /mum/ husband  was their best friend as well.
Each person you lose is a different person and each relationship between you and them  is different - so how their loss affects you is valid no matter what kind of label is put on the relationship - family /partner/friend because they are your emotions and they cant be lessened because some-one else decides the validity of them based on a one size fits all -system.

Both of you will always miss your friends - in different ways  sometimes something will hit hard - and the bad memory's the end of their lives, the way  you feel now - some of those triggers we expect - an anniversary or doing something you used to do with them without them others hit you out of the blue  maybe a song, or something some-one says or watching kids who are friends playing together -But other times you will smile at something funny you shared - and sometimes you smile and cry at the same time -  grief is something we learn to live with rather than get over or move on or any of those cliched things people say - we can move forward - moving on -is a different thing.

If it was a physical injury - say you broke a leg badly  - you would expect healing to take time you know you wont be running up any mountains for a long time and people would treat you differently because they can see the plaster and the crutches, They cant see grief or depression or anxiety or anything which goes with grief as easily and so you tend to treat yourself less kindly as well -and be less accepting of the time and process of healing.
Over time with the physical  you would learn to walk again but during that time you will fall over - there will be days when you are in agony and others when its better - and eventually you might end up with a limp or an ache every time it rains - but if you want to want to get up that mountain you wont let the ache or the limp stop you from doing it, you will find a way - take a break - or just walk up with a stick to help -  trying to do it before most of the healing is done wouldn't be possible and grief is the same -start with the plains then the foothills and be kind too yourselves. :hug: