Lost my soulmate nearly 3 weeks go.

[Widowed at 45]

HI,
I lost my soulmate of 13 years on the 11th at 3:30am. She was only 40. I am so destroyed. My friends and fam are amazing but its not the same. It never could be. Laura fell ill with a cold which developed into a nasty chest infection and passed away after over two weeks in ICU on a ventilator. Horrifically, the very afternoon before, she had been given a tracheostomy and we were told they were starting to wake her up and we might be able to talk to her in 2-3 days. So I forwent sitting by her side reading to her that evening to spend some quality time with my son. Got THE call at 3:19am... ... It was too late when we got there. She had an anaphylactic reaction to one of the medications she was given and they couldn't save her.
I am told I am doing really well, getting Laura's affairs in order would have been a nightmare if i was happy but... In this state? Not sure what I even want out of this site, but I'm struggling with the loneliness. I have my son and I love him dearly but its not the same as adult company. On a really bad day I even signed up to some stupid dating site.. idiot. Deleted. That shocked me.
So I'm sat here crying my eyes out wondering how I'm going to do this life without her. I don't even want to. How to people survive this much pain?
Sorry about the stream of consciousness, I need something but no idea what.
Thanks.

[kerrysmith]

im sorry for your loss. im new too lost my mum stepdad dog dad and my boyfriend left in 2.5 years..lonely isn't it from kerry

[Incomplete]

So sorry about your loss. I am in same boat and suddenly find myself a single parent to a lovely 8 yr old daughter at age 45 some part of me still struggles to take it in

[kerrysmith]

oh im sorry to hear that it must be tough especially with the schools being closed.

feel free to message me anytime

Kerry x

[Widowed at 45]

So sorry for YOUR loss. Same age as me too. How long were you together if you don't mind me asking? We had 13 years.

It wont sink in my dear, not yet. My sweet Laura passed on 11th Feb and I'm still saying to myself countless times a day"She cant be dead... How can she be dead? She was only 40?" I'm only 7 weeks in myself and have no idea how long that will last. Seems to come in waves, just like the rest of the grieving. One hour at a time, one day at a time. I know everyone says this and I'm in a calm (rare) moment right now so I can be rational about it. It's true. All you can do really. Just keep talking if you have people that will just let you talk about him and let you just cry your eyes out if you need too. You will need to at some point.

My friends are amazing like that but I had to explain a few things as some didn't know how to deal with me and obv breaks their heart to see me in so much pain. Tell them what you need from them if you can. Not easy ofc. PM me if you want. There is an amazing post somewhere on here called " letter to a friend" I cant seem to find it myself but I posted in on FB and have a copy if you would like it. Its a dark, harrowing read but it was very accurate to how I felt, what I am going through and explained what not to say, what to say and to let you talk about him and cry in front of them and more besides. Once you feel its ok to do that, it helps a little and you don't feel guilty about laying this on them.  My friends understood what I was going through better as a result. Reading it upset them obv and I felt a little guilty for that but you will be helping them do SOMETHING to help you when there is nothing they can do to fix this for you.
Let me know if you would like a copy.

This could not be the worst time for us to lose our soulmates what with covid and being locked down. Do please try and stay in touch with as many friends/family as you can. Video calling really helps i find. Happy to chat if it helps.
I have been talking to the Cruse Bereavement charity every Friday and although i wanted the group session,(impossible now) it still helped. Early days but when you are ready, I'd definitely recommend seeking help of some kind.
This is the main site address.:     https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Good luck in this horrible journey we are on my friend... Just survive... for now. x
Jason x

[Incomplete]

I feel your pain. On 20th March lost my wife of 18 years to a bleed on the brain. I have been amazed at the amount of people that have offered help and sympathy.

Only advice I can give you is take the help when you need it as it's going to be a very tough few months. For me I have a beautiful 7 yr old whose world was her mum so I am just focusing on making her feel better.

Hope it gets easier for you eventually

[Sandra61]

I think what you need is time and to know that others care and understand and to know that you are not alone. We who have found our way here do understand and do care and you are not alone. Sending you sympathy and a hug. 

There is no easy way to find your way through such a trauma and tragedy. All you can do it cherish the memories she left with you and the time you had with her. There are some things that might help. Some people find it helps to write a letter to the person they lost and write down all the things they would have liked to be able to say to them. Others put together a memory box and fill it with items that remind them of the person they have lost and yet others will plant a tree or a plant in their garden, if they have one, to create a place to go and sit in to remember the person they have lost. Those with children sometimes find it helpful to create a memory book or jar that they can turn to to remind them of better times they shared with their lost loved one when they are missing them. The idea is that you write down your memories of things you did with the person you have lost or character traits that you loved about them or that made you laugh or smile and, if using a jar, you can pull one out at random and relive that memory. A photo album of favourite photos can help too.

Cherish your memories and the time you had together and know that she will never leave you, because you will carry her in your heart and your memories for as long as you live. You will hear her voice in your head when you are unsure what to do about something and wonder what she might have advised. You will always love her and wherever she is now, I am sure she will always love both of you as well.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time and patience and just get through one day at a time.